Are you wondering why your ex would lie to you about seeing someone else? Why go to the trouble to be dishonest and risk getting caught lying?
If you are, I believe I have the answers you’re looking for.
Your ex lied about seeing someone else for one or both reasons:
- To protect you from getting hurt.
- To protect himself or herself from getting hurt, feeling embarrassed, or from being viewed as a person who moved on quickly.
This lying principle doesn’t apply just to exes. It applies to single people, married people, and all occasional liars of different sexes, ages, colors, and cultures who find themselves in an uncomfortable situation.
Anyone but pathological liars, of course. Those belong in a different category.
The truth about lying is that lying is extremely frowned upon. People take lies very seriously and consider them to be ultimate deal-breakers. Especially in romantic relationships because who would want their significant other to lie to them?
I know I wouldn’t.
Luckily though, all lies aren’t bad lies. Some lies are white lies, meaning that they have good intentions.
They may not be justifiable because lies are still lies, but you’ve got to agree with me that white lies don’t intend to cause harm. Their purpose is to pacify, heal, and avoid problems.
Most people, including the people I consider to be very righteous lie every now and then about insignificant and very private things.
Now that I think about it, I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t lie. Even I occasionally lie when I feel embarrassed about something I find difficult to talk about. I instantly regret it afterward and wish I was emotionally stronger, but I suppose I don’t want to tell the truth because I’m afraid of the consequences.
I’m perfectly aware that fears and insecurities are not a good reason to lie, but sometimes I don’t want to answer personal questions. It’s as if my mind wants the most vulnerable parts of my life to remain a secret.
I’m not saying this to defend your ex’s lies or anything your ex did for his or her own selfish gains. I’d just like you to know that people lie when they’re put on the spotâforced to deal with a situation they aren’t emotionally and mentally ready for.
So if your ex lied to you about seeing someone else and you don’t understand why your ex lied, look at it from your ex’s perspective. Turn your empathic abilities on and try to understand how you would feel if you left your ex and your ex asked you if you’re dating someone new.
If your ex is a good person and you care about him or her, you would most likely feel guilty and have a really hard time answering this question.
On one hand, you’d want to tell your ex the truth and get it over with. But on the other, you’d want to stop your ex from hurting himself/herself and try not to get told off for getting involved with someone new while your ex is still hurting.
You’d likely feel torn between doing the right thing and keeping the situation peaceful and under control.
And that’s basically it. This is the most common reason why exes lie about dating someone else.
You have to understand that exes (dumpers) aren’t by default bad people who care only about themselves (even though many are downright cruel and selfish). Some dumpers actually handle breakups quite well as they try their best to support their struggling ex-partners.
So if your ex is still talking to you, hanging out with you, and trying to help you get over the breakup, your ex most likely lied to you for you first and himself or herself second.
Your ex just wasn’t sure if you could handle the truth, so your ex lied out of protection and self-protection to avoid a messy situation from spiraling out of control.
Why did my ex lie to me about seeing someone else?
In the previous chapter, we mentioned that your ex lied to you for you, for himself/herself, or for both.
Finding out why your ex lied about seeing someone else could help you discover your ex’s true nature. It could you understand if your ex was considerate of your feelings and if your ex can make a decent friend one day.
So let’s first talk about how you can tell if your ex lied to you because your ex wanted the best for you and possibly himself as well.
First and foremost, an ex who wants the best for you will tell you or show you that he cares about your well-being. He’ll often ask you things like, “How are you, did you get enough rest, what can I do to help” and express sympathy by encouraging you to reach out whenever you’d like.
By handling the breakup delicately, a caring ex will prove time after time that the breakup is not all about him and that your health and well-being are his biggest concerns. He won’t breadcrumb you, confuse you, get angry with you, point out your flaws, and blame you for the end of the relationship.
Instead, he’ll support you when you need him and give you space when you’re doing fine.
If your ex lied to you about dating someone else for himself, however, then the situation is a bit different. Your ex lied out of self-protection because he thought you’d get angry or sadâand feared you’d do something impulsive.
Something like calling his new partner and warning her about him.
Bear in mind that an ex who’d lie just for himself would most likely stop talking to you and avoid you like the plague. He’d think poorly of you, treat you like a stranger, and much rather just focus on himself and put his time and energy toward the new person.
If you have trouble deciding whether your ex lied about dating someone else for you or for himself, think about how he handled the breakup.
Was he always there for you when you needed him? Was he kind, supportive, and always treated you with dignity?
If the answer is yes, your ex probably lied because he didn’t want to hurt you anymore. He wanted you to keep healing and moving on with your life.
But if he didn’t help you get over the breakup and instead made things much worse, then it’s safe to say that your ex didn’t have your best interests at heart. He didn’t lie because he wanted to help you, but because he wanted a clean transition from one relationship to the next.
To make it simple for you, judge your ex for the person he was on the day of the breakup and the person he continued to be after. Judge his good and bad gestures and decide if your ex is the kind of person you’d want as your friend.
It’s also possible your ex wasn’t ready to declare he was dating someone new because he’d only seen that person a couple of times. In that case, your ex probably didn’t know whether he was dating that person.
Your ex may have found the new person attractive, but that doesn’t mean he knew where the new person stood with him. They may have been just friends at that time.
When people are dating, they don’t always agree that they’re dating. Most of the time, dating is self-explanatory, so they just naturally get closer over time and much later, agree to be exclusive.
I don’t want my ex to date other people
If you learned that your ex lied about dating another man or woman, you probably feel abandoned, replaced, and lied to. You feel betrayed and disrespected.
Before you act on your emotions and get back at your ex for hiding his or her relationship from you, try to understand that your ex is allowed to date other people. He or she broke the commitment to you and can now as a result, talk to others, date them, and even sleep with them.
Your ex is a free spirit.
It may not be noble of your ex to pursue a new relationship if the breakup just transpired, but that’s a part of life you can’t control. You can’t control what your ex does and who he or she dates now that the relationship is over.
It’d be nice if you could so that you wouldn’t get hurt and compare yourself to your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend, but if your ex doesn’t want to wait a few months for you to weather the storm, there’s not much you can do about it.
All you can do is prevent your ex from hurting you by shutting your ex out of your life and focusing on yourself.
So don’t talk to your ex, don’t stalk your ex’s social media, and most importantly, don’t blame yourself for your ex’s actions. It’s not your fault your ex jumped straight into a new relationship and lied to you about it.
Your ex was impatient (impulsive) and at the same time, afraid of telling you the truth because he or she was afraid of your reaction. So do yourself a favor, gather your strength, and distance yourself from your ex.
Terminate your friendship with your ex immediately and ask your ex to stop reaching out to you.
You can be friends with your ex later on if you still want to. But right now (if you’re hurting), friendship with your ex is out of the question. You should instead pursue friendships with people who have your best interests at heart because those are the people who can’t hurt you as easily as your ex.
Should I confront my ex about lying?
Unfortunately, confronting your ex about his or her lying won’t make you feel any better. It may give you an opportunity to vent, but ultimately, your ex will still date that person and want to get to know him or her better.
If you unleash your anger on your ex and guilt-trip your ex, know that your negative behavior won’t stop your ex from dating another person. If anything, it will achieve the opposite because your ex will attach even more negativity to your persona and focus on the person who causes him or her less pain.
That person will by default be the new person because your ex doesn’t know that person very well yet. Everything is still fresh and exciting for your ex. So don’t say anything your ex doesn’t need to know.
There are better ways to get your lost power back. And it doesn’t even require you to pester your ex about his or her lies and false promises. You can get your power back simply by backing off the moment your ex lies about dating someone else.
It’s that simple because every second you spend away from your ex, you spend recovering from the breakup.
I get that talking to your ex about his dating life could somehow help you process his deceitful behavior and help you deal with overwhelming anxiety. But confronting your ex about it is not the right way to go about it.
Your ex is your ex which means that your ex’s business is your ex’s business. You don’t want to make it your business because you already have enough on your plate.
You have a breakup to get over, shortcomings to improve, self-esteem to develop, and your life to improve.
There’s no way you have enough time on your hands to worry about your ex’s behavior too. So let your ex get away with lies and keep moving on. Your life should be about you.
Make sure to keep it that way.
Did your ex lie to you about seeing someone else? How did you respond to it? Share your experience below the article.
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My situation is a little worse and idk how to handle it.
My ex and I still live together with our daughter. He is dating someone new already, they started up about 2 weeks after he broke up with me (after 11 years together, wtf).
More recently, heâs been going to her house every night and comes home at like 4 or 5 AM. My issue is Iâm feeling used and disrespected and idk how to approach him or if I even should.
I donât want to be his personal babysitter so he can act like a teenage boy again. It seems unbelievably unfair that heâs using the fact that Iâm home anyways to just do whatever he wants. If we could move out, heâd have to stay home with his daughter when she was with him.
What do I do? Should I confront him about him crossing the line and using me? Iâm worried this is only going to get worse, because his behavior has been escalating very quickly.
Hi Kay.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex is disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings. His new relationship seems way too early. He probably established a connection with that person before breaking up with you. That’s how it is for most dumpers.
You shouldn’t confront him about seeing someone else. If you do, he’ll feel attacked and might react negatively (which would hurt you more). Try to find a way to move out and separate physically. There’s no point in staying under the same roof. If you feel the need to vent, you can comment here/on blogs or sign up for therapy. Just don’t talk to him (especially if he seems unreceptive, moody, angry, or strange).
Kind regards,
Zan
Is there any way to recover a if you have confronted your ex?
Hi Daisy.
Go back to no contact. Time might make things better. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s your best bet.
Sincerely,
Zan
All these articles about why he lied about him actually doing it or being caught but not one where he may have lied and really didnât do it.
I think my ex lied when he said he DID sleep with two other people. When I asked him that day, He said he did (proudly) and really quick. His exact words after seeing each other after a long time and I asked if he had been with anyone, were, âyeah, sure, whatever you want to hearâ I said how many? And he quickly said 2 and then moved on from the subject but something inside me says he lied to make himself look like he wasnât a loser. He was never a party cheating flirty loose kinda guy. He actually doesnât know how to talk to girls and was never the aggressor even with me. He has major social anxieties. He never liked to admit that I was his 3 sexual partner even though it was true. Like he was embarrassed to not be promiscuous.
(Side note he was not visiting for sex that day. Just said he missed me. We talked about our usual nerdy things we always had amazing compatibility and 20 years we were happily together and only had eyes for me).
He doesnât flaunt it or act like he won or bring it up to piss me off or whatever guys do when they are trying to look bigger than they are.
And even still 3 years later when I bring it up or ask (because we still occasionally have sex still and I want to be safe) he will immediately answer that he has NOT been with anyone since we have been intimate again (last 6 months) but he still wonât give me an clear answer about the ones he âclaimsâ he DID sleep with. He just avoids and ignores the question even though I say itâs ok if he did.
One time recently I brought it up in a funny way while we were being intimate and his response was, in a cocky proud kinda way was, âoh-yeah!â And laughed.
Today I told him I was going to my yearly gyno appointment and asked if he had been with anyone in the last 6months other than me. He responded immediately with a âNo I have notâ but when I asked about the other âtwoâ his reply was âdonât worry Iâm okâ. What the hell does that even mean? lol. He was never one to put me in danger actually the opposite where he was constantly obsessed with me being safe at all times.
??? Did he actually do it? Or is he trying to feed his ego or make me jealous or just seem like he is when he really didnât. Idk. But it doesnât seem right. Iâm so confused on how to read him. It just doesnât add up. Is he lying about actually sleeping with other people when he possibly actually didnât? Do guys do that? Iâve done it to look more experienced than I was in the past and honestly can say I did it to him after we broke up to try to get a reaction from him⌠do exâs do the same?
Thoughts???
Also forgot to mention that he was having problems with E.D. due to substance abuse after our breakup. He would confide in me about it and even when we were intimate he said I was the only one he âcould get ___ withâ and even still had some problems with me. He was ashamed and embarrassed to even be open about that. He is also very obsessed with being clean (diseases and germs) and hated going out with the guys to strip clubs because they were gross and demeaning. I just canât see him randomly being with girls like that even when drunk and horny. Idk??
But maybe I just donât know him at all anymore maybe âfreedomâ turned him into a scumbag đ¤ˇđźââď¸
Hi Jenna.
Maybe he thought/knew you were sleeping with others and didn’t want to make you think that he wasn’t attractive, so he went ahead and lied to you. It may be that he felt insecure. It’s hard for me to say if he lied, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not together anymore, so try to let it go. You won’t get him to tell the truth. Not if he lied. he’ll probably take it to the grave.
Kind regards,
Zan
Definitely going through this right now, last night my ex gf lied too me about doing something so I went to pass by her house cus I noticed it was a lie she was not even online n checked to see if she was with someone and she was, I couldn’t believe it as she was just with me 30 min before and noticed that it was the same van as before when I accused her of being in that van with someone as they drove off, which ofc she denied a month earlier. When again she was just with me the day prior. The thing I hated the most is she would have the audacity to get mad at me for accusing her and assuming that she was with someone all the time when in fact she was. I just don’t understand what type of girl would do this move on after a 5yr relationship within just a month or less of being broken up, yet still have me around to get intimate, hang out and be there for her. Yet as soon as I have my back turned she’s with someone else
Hi Unknown.
Your ex isn’t being honest with you or herself. She’s just focusing on herself and doing what feels right. I suggest that you end your “friendship” with her immediately. She’s going to keep seeing this person (or other people) and keep hurting you and confusing you if you don’t. I know it’s hard, but you have to look after yourself now.
Best regards,
Zan
It happened to me just 4 days ago. The hardest part was he actually said he wants to get back together, so we’ve been seeing and talking for a month in hopes that we can somehow rebuild our relationship, and then, four days ago, he posted a girl in his IG story (we unfollowed each other when we broke up, and haven’t followed each other back again when we decided to start over, so I guess he might have forgotten that although we don’t follow each other, his IG story is in public view setting) I saw the girl and he even put some hearts and all. It literally broke my heart. I just don’t understand why he would pursue me for the second time just to lie or cheat on me. Does he not realize that I am human too? that I get hurt, and I get traumatized. I can never understand why he did this to me. When I confronted him, he gave me a dismissive response and he basically ghosted me when I asked questions. He didn’t talk to me at all and then after three days he just said that she’s just a “friend”. Bullshit.
Hi Angel.
Your ex lied to you about many things. But the worst thing he did is that he deceived you about wanting to get back together. It’s obvious that he didn’t want that. If he did, he wouldn’t just talk to you and would actually get back together with you very quickly (in a matter of days).
I think that while you were talking, he’d met another girl and ghosted you as a result.
He’s not worth your time, Angel.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thanks for the article. I needed this 2 months ago when I found out my ex lied to me. He didn’t even have the balls to tell me (even though he said he would, should have known better, shame on me) instead he posted about his new girl on his IG feed for me to see. When I reached out asked if he had moved on he ghosted me. Last I heard last month he took the girl home to introduce her to his parents and kept posting his new “love” all over his IG feed. I have since gone radio silence. Don’t need that toxicity in my life. Been working on me for the last two months. I don’t want a coward or a lair back. Best to move on and improve me.
Hi V.
It’s best you unfollow your ex and move on. As he is right now, he’s no good to you as he’s ashamed of himself for what he did.
Stay strong!
Zan
Ahhh wish I could see this article 2 years ago… my ex lied about seeing someone else for second reason I guess… for himself, donât you think?
He didnât help me get over the breakup and instead made things much worst.
The worst part is that I confronted my ex about it and would be better just to walk away… I know it now :/
Hi Linda.
Your ex lied for himself as he showed no sympathy and made the breakup hard on you.
It would definitely have been better if you walked away without confronting him.
Stay healthy,
Zan
I’ve just binge read this and “should I leave my gf for another girl”.
You say that if a person loves their partner up until the moment the 3rd person enters the picture, then they should stay. Well my ex and I kept evaluating our relationship every once in a while and she kept saying she was happier in our last year than the previous ones. I said the same and I know I didn’t lie. Did she?
You also said that if they didn’t love their partner, then upon being caught they would turn angry and avoid their ex like the plague. Well she did get angry and immediately handled me like a total stranger and demanded I don’t call her for at least 9 months. (Where did that number even come from?)
Did this happen, because she cheated on me for a month, or did she not love me even before that?
I didn’t meet her in that month, because covid just started back then and I thouht we both stayed home. Apparently she didn’t. I keep wondering if this would’ve happened without covid. I keep wondering if she only fell out of love with me, because we couldn’t meet while that bastard met her. For a month.
She also claimed they didn’t date, but my “friend” she left me for claimed they did for a month. That’s how she got caught. The guy basically betrayed her trust by telling me. Anyways, I thought she was just lying, but you say she might not have known they were dating. That smells to me. If she genuinely didn’t think she cheated on me, then why did she get so furious when I confronted her? She even had the excuse she would’ve told me a few weeks later. That means she knew what this was. Doesn’t it? I don’t buy it that she was innocent in her mind.
Hi Andreas.
Your ex was probably happier in the last year than in the years before. I don’t think she had a reason to lie about that. But she did get angry when you confronted her about her new partner because she felt victimized. I don’t know where she got 9 months from, but she basically asked for space because she wasn’t able to talk to two people at the same time. She wanted to focus on the new person.
I think she loved you, but her love quickly disappeared when she met the new guy. She knew what she was doing, but she liked it and didn’t want to do the right thing.
Best,
Zan