My Ex-husband Wants Me Back

Married ex-couples reconcile for the same reasons as non-married ones. Normally, they date around for a while and try to be happy without their ex. At first, they are happy as the breakup frees them of obligations and helps them feel important to other people.

But when they chase highs for a while and run out of momentum, they tend to run into problems and realize they aren’t happy and that they can’t be happy without their ex. That’s when they finally understand they took each other for granted and that they need to apologize and secure a spot in the relationship.

Most of the time, there’s only one person who chases highs after the breakup and has an epiphany. That person is the dumper (the one who decided to end the relationship).

The dumper thinks life can only get better without the dumpee and, therefore, needs to fail miserably and reflect on his or her decisions and mistakes to see that his or her previous relationship or marriage has potential.

It’s only through failure and self-reflection that the dumper can become nostalgic, compare the present to the past, and want his or her ex-partner back.

So if your ex-husband wants you back after leaving or divorcing you, know that something went wrong on his end. For some reason, his ideas and plans failed to manifest, so he ran back to the person who’d always been there for him (you).

By doing so, he tried to rely on you for safety, validation, and support and skip out on pain, inconveniences, and healing.

Unlike you who had to deal with the post-breakup blues, the guy chose not to. He hoped you’d take him back and instantly make him feel loved, cared for, and important.

Basically, he considered you a backup plan and came back to you to secure his happiness in the present and the future.

That’s what reconciliations are. They’re backup plans for dumpers when reality doesn’t don’t match their expectations.

That doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t love you. But it does indicate they failed in some important way and that they may be back for themselves rather than you. You could be their pit stop – someone they use to get back on their feet and continue their journey.

I don’t want to scare you, but it happens from time to time. It happens to those dumpees whose ex lacks self-awareness, gratitude, and commitment. 

Now that your ex-husband wants you back, you need to understand that the reconciliation is the beginning of the journey, not the end of it. You’ll both need to work hard to forgive each other, restore trust, and overcome fears and uncertainties.

The new relationship will need healing and lots of communication and bonding.

Expect things to require much more effort than before. Although you may feel relieved and reassured for a while, the relationship won’t immediately go back to normal and won’t be as strong as it used to be.

To strengthen it, you’ll both need to express yourselves properly and show each other you’ve fixed your shortcomings and learned to value each other.

Once you’ve done that, you’ll be able to say “We did it, we beat the odds.”

I suppose the real question is whether you want to beat the odds. Is getting back with your ex-husband even worth it? Your relationship or marriage already failed once, so would another attempt bring different results?

That I don’t know. I don’t see how regretful your ex is and how committed he is to working on himself and being a better partner. You’re the only one who can tell whether your ex has worked on himself and/or is committed to learning the importance of dealing with problems.

If your ex is hogging all the power, blames you for the breakup, and is still the same person who left you, you obviously shouldn’t take him back. You should put yourself first and stay away from him by remembering you can be much happier on your own and eventually with someone else.

No one says you should be with your ex forever. If your ex did horrible things to you and lost all your trust and respect, it may be better to close that chapter of your life permanently and focus on loving yourself.

That way, you’ll get yourself back and allow yourself to meet someone better.

Today, we discuss what you can do when your ex-husband wants you back. We explain why your ex had an epiphany and what you must do if you want the relationship to work next time around.

Why does my ex-husband want me back?

First of all, your ex-husband doesn’t want you back just because you’re a great person. He wants you back because he discovered your worth (the positive ways in which you contribute to his life). He did this by comparing you to the people he dated or to his personal failures and unhappiness.

The life he had when he was with you was much better, so he decided to return and experience it with you again.

I don’t know if he’s serious about you based on him wanting you back, but at the moment, he thinks he can be happier with you than he can be on his own and with other people.

That means you’re the only person who makes him feel valued right now.

If he hadn’t failed, the chances of him coming back would have been close to zero as dumpers who don’t get their expectations crushed seldom engage in introspection and self-reflection. Most of the time, they move forward (with someone else) and don’t look back.

99% of the time, only those who get hurt and are capable of reflecting come back as such people often regret making stupid decisions and want someone familiar to help them deal with their problems. That familiar person is usually their ex because their ex already knows them, craves them, and is willing to communicate and reconcile.

So if you’re wondering why your ex-husband wants you back all of a sudden, know that his life didn’t turn out the way he expected it to and that he sees you as a backup option. You’re the safety cushion that allows him to pick himself back up after not finding happiness and realizing that life isn’t going to be as peachy without you as he’d thought.

Whether your ex got dumped, lost a job, or got sick, he lost the so-called plateau of security and came running back faster than greased lightning. He did that because emotions overwhelmed him and made him stop remembering your negative traits and behaviors.

Suddenly, he remembered only the things you were good at and could help him with as such were the things he needed from you.

It’s comical that reconciliations are the exact opposite of breakups. During breakups, dumpers don’t care about the things you excelled at and did for them.

They only care about your mistakes and flaws as such things empower them, victimize them, and justify their decisions to leave.

When problems arise and anxiety hits them hard, though, they immediately forget about their problems with you and focus on their own hardships. We could say they become selfish and want you to love them, commit to them, and help them.

That said, here are 7 reasons why your ex-husband wants you back.

Now that your ex-husband is hurt, you need to figure out if he just regrets getting hurt or if he also regrets hurting you, loves you, and understands what he needs to work on. If he just wants you back to not feel abandoned, lonely, anxious, or depressed, he doesn’t care about you as a person and a partner.

He cares about himself and will most likely leave once you’ve given him unconditional love, boosted his ego, and helped him recover.

As a dumpee, you need to understand why exes come back and what they want from you. When you understand that, you’ll see your ex wants to get something and feel a certain way.

He wants to get rid of unwanted emotions such as anxiety and pain and replace those emotions with positive ones. Your ex basically discerned that the way he’s been living is dangerous or unfulfilling and that he needs to get back on the path that made him feel optimistic.

Fortunately for him, the quickest way to do that is to return to you, obtain reassurance, and with your help, deal with regrets, fears, anxiety, or whatever problem he’s facing.

I’m not saying your ex doesn’t love you. All I’m saying is that some problem unknown to you allowed him to realize his inability to be happy without you and made him reflect and want you back.

Whether he’s come back for you (as well as himself) is something you’ll need to figure out by observing his level of regret, commitment, and attitude toward you and life in general. The reason his attitude toward life is important is that an ex who values you and regrets leaving you won’t want you to leave him.

He’ll do whatever it takes to impress you and prevent you from giving up on him. That’s one way to tell your ex is serious about you and wants to make things work.

Does my ex-husband want me back for the right reasons?

When an ex leaves, he often shows his true colors. He demonstrates how much your feelings and commitment mean to him and how he treats people he doesn’t want romantically or even as a friend.

If he shows he doesn’t care about your commitment and feelings, you shouldn’t rush back into a relationship with him the moment you can as he could come back just for a brief moment to take what he can from you.

Of course, you don’t want to get your hopes up just to get your heart crushed again. You want to make sure that the ex you let back into your life has learned his lessons and is committed to growing as a person and a partner.

If he’s grown or committed to growing, you have at least some degree of certainty that he wants you for you, not just for what he gets from you and what problems you help him resolve.

So first things first, figure out what or who inspired your ex-husband to go back rather than move forward. If it’s some kind of romantic rejection, you need to be a bit more careful as he could still have feelings for that person.

In other words, he could rebound with you after he’s used you to numb his pain.

The best way to learn why your ex came back is to have a conversation with him and encourage him to tell you the full story. Ask him what he did while he was gone and why he came back. If he regrets leaving you and loves you, he’ll soon tell you everything you need to know.

He’ll do this because.

1. He’ll want to be honest with you.
2. He’ll fear you’ll reject him if he’s not honest.

The guy will likely start by telling you things like, “I realized I still loved you.” He probably won’t go into detail right away and tell you why he realized he loved you.

In this case, try to patiently get to the bottom of things by asking him further questions such as, “When did you realize you still have feelings for me? Did you date anyone while we were broken up? Why did that relationship fail?”

Watch your tone and be patient as he needs to feel safe to open up. Once he’s told you what you need to hear, discern if he’s grown or is prepared to grow. This is important because an ex who wants you back for the right reasons will do anything to make the relationship work.

He’ll give you back the power he stole from you and show you he’s learned his lessons and that he’s prepared to gain your trust back. He won’t rush you to make a decision right away as he won’t expect you to forgive him and trust him immediately.

Trust can take months to rebuild. He needs to understand that and be willing to work with you for as long as it takes.

That being said, here are some signs to look out for if you’re wondering if your ex-husband wants you back for the right reasons.

• He’s honest, open, communicative, and easy to work with
• He’s regretful, sad, anxious, and worried about you and his future
• He’s willing to wait for you to trust him again
• He gives you your power back
• He understands your pain and sympathizes with you
• He’s afraid of your rejection and another breakup

A guy who truly regrets leaving you and feels sorry for putting you through hell won’t just apologize for breaking your heart and act as if nothing happened. The guy will prove his worth with actions and consistency.

He’ll avoid making mistakes you warned him about before breaking up and ask you to communicate your feelings and problems after getting back together. The guy will walk on eggshells for a while.

So if you want to know if he wants you back for the right reasons, look at his behavior and attitude. They’ll tell you how the guy feels about you and how eager he is to be with you and fix things.

Mind you, he won’t express doubts and act cold when he wants you back. If he starts acting distant and uncertain, you can be certain the relationship is over as a regretful guy wouldn’t have any reservations.

Should I take my ex-husband back?

Obviously, I can’t decide for you, so I can’t tell you what to do and not to do. All can do is advise you and tell you what I would do. And what I would do is study my ex’s intentions and decide whether my ex is capable of learning from her mistakes and willing to work on herself and regain my trust.

If the relationship was unhealthy, I probably wouldn’t take her back as unhealthy cycles tend to repeat themselves. I’d tell her the relationship wasn’t working and that it needs to end permanently so we can both evolve and process things.

I also wouldn’t take her back if I detached and/or stopped loving her. That’s because I’d see things realistically—from a rational standpoint and wouldn’t want to risk getting hurt again.

It’d be much easier for me to start a new relationship with someone new who hasn’t shown me how little I meant to her and how easily replaceable I was.

Ultimately, what you do is up to you. But if you’re seriously contemplating taking your ex-husband back, make sure the guy has changed or is willing to change.

If things merely continue from where they left off, the guy will probably leave again and make you feel stupid for trusting him. So make sure he’s come back for genuine reasons and that he’s prepared to put the work in and raise relationship standards.

Does your ex-husband want you back? What’s his reason for returning? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Or if you prefer to discuss your relationship and breakup privately, sign up for 1-on-1 breakup coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.