One of the hardest things in life is to let go of someone you love. While your brain is trying to get out of denial and accept that the person you love is gone, your heart is strongly opposing that idea.
Your heart is working overtime, trying to convince you that you need to hold on and stay optimistic because things could someday get back to normal.
Whether things will get back to normal with the person you grieve, no relationship guru or fortuneteller can predict. But one thing that’s for certain is that YOU will get back to normal.
Your emotional well-being and your obsessive thinking will slowly but surely normalize and once again, let you live a healthy, abundant, and self-fulfilling lifestyle.
It could take a while before you get there, of course, but that’s the way life works. The greatest things in life take time and effort to build and rebuild. Especially the things that leave you disorientated, brokenhearted, miserable, and downright out of luck.
I don’t remember who wrote this, but he said that the people who are the least fortunate in life (especially if they’re young) tend to act on their strong desires for a change and “overdevelop” themselves in areas they wish to grow in.
Those who are financially poor, tend to turn their hunger for money into financial success.
Those who are overweight and wish to be healthier, focus their efforts on being healthy.
And those who have made mistakes and/or wish to let go of someone they love, eventually let go and transform themselves into stronger, smarter, and more self-aware individuals.
If you too would like to let go of someone you love, know that letting go takes time, patience, strength, and most of all, a self-forgiving, optimistic mindset. It takes courage, self-love, and a strong belief that everything will be okay with or without the person in question.
So give yourself time to grieve and prepare yourself to face any and all obstacles you encounter on your journey.
Life works in mysterious ways—and you never know how things will turn out. But if you gather your strength, accept the past, and embrace the future (which can seem a bit scary right now), you will once again find direction in life and live the way you deserve to live.
This article is for anyone who’s trying to let go of someone they love.
Letting go of someone who doesn’t love you
There’s no denying that letting go of someone who doesn’t love you is absolutely heart-crushing. It’s easily one of the worst experiences people have to learn to deal with and recover from.
Some say the lengthy experience resembles an ocean, full of alternating waves.
When the waves are high, people find themselves drowning in separation anxiety, obsessive ex-thoughts, and ex-dreams.
And when the waves lower, they have what they call “good days” as they enter a period of detachment, power, and control.
Unfortunately, most people experience both good and bad days. On good days, they feel happy and carefree whereas, on bad days, they struggle to focus on themselves and those around them.
If you’re having one of these difficult days, you need to understand that it’s perfectly normal and expected of you to have them.
Most dumpees face at least a few setbacks on their journey to recovery, so don’t think that you’re emotionally unhealthy if you have days when you feel like the whole world is against you.
That’s just one of the effects setbacks can have on you—as they have the ability to meddle with your thoughts and mess with your emotions.
Setbacks normally occur for two reasons.
- Because a person willingly or unwillingly stumbles across something nostalgic or painful.
- Or because the human body is still adjusting to the new high points in life and needs more time to get used to the self-correcting healing pattern.
Whatever the reason behind the setback is, every emotional setback should have a higher low point, meaning that as time goes on, each subsequent setback should be less painful and less frequent than the previous one.
Although the healing process is different for every person (everyone has a different coping mechanism), you can presume that your healing trajectory should look similar to the picture below.
As long as you avoid your emotional triggers, that is.
How to let go of someone who doesn’t love you?
If you’re wondering how to let go of someone you love who doesn’t love you, the first thing you’ll have to do is start reducing the above-mentioned emotional setbacks.
You’ll have to:
- vow to never contact your ex again unless it’s urgent (go indefinite no contact)
- unfollow your ex, delete your ex, or disable your social media accounts
- put away your ex’s gifts, belongings, and reminders that make you feel sentimental
- avoid bumping into your ex for a while (stop going to where your ex is going)
- avoid looking for information on your ex
- ask your friends/family/coworkers not to talk about your ex (especially if your ex is dating someone else already or doing something you don’t need to know about)
Once you’ve made sure to stop all direct and non-direct interactions with your ex, you’ll begin your true healing journey. You’ll still feel hurt, but the most important thing is that you’ll set your soul free and slowly start to enjoy your life again.
All you have to do after you’ve shut your ex out of your life is to fall back in love with yourself.
And you can do that by:
- spending time with family
- hanging out with friends
- taking care of your emotional and physical health
- practicing self-love affirmations
- talking to other people
- stretching your comfort zone
- practicing your favorite hobbies
- finding your passion
- improving your shortcomings
The key to letting go of someone you love is to start investing in yourself and loving yourself. The more you do that, the quicker you’ll let go of your ex and find your internal peace.
So get to work. Invest in the things that matter to you and distract yourself so that you can stop yourself from incessantly thinking about your ex.
Forgive yourself as well as the person who hurt you
If your ex left you and you still love him or her, my advice is to allow yourself to feel the breakup emotions. Welcome the sadness, anger, pain, frustration, and feelings of worthlessness with open hands and allow yourself to grieve.
It’ll be difficult to let go of someone you love if you hold your emotions inside you and expect them to disappear on their own. They likely won’t go anywhere if you reject them. At least not as fast as you’d like them to because people need to let unwanted emotions out of their system.
They need to journal them or talk about them and by doing so, recover from the harm that was done to them.
By no means should they at any point in time take the pain out on the person who caused the pain. That is not a very virtuous way to heal, nor is it very productive. It’s just impulsive and self-destructive.
Honestly, it still surprises me that people ask me “If I don’t vent/explode at my partner/ex, how will I feel better? I need to get emotions out of my system whenever I feel overwhelmed.”
I’m not sure why people think they need to unload their weight on another person in the most brutal way possible, but I think this misconception started many years ago when researchers first suggested that people need to express themselves and let their emotions out.
Ever since then, some people interpret this valuable message in a negative way and use it as an excuse to “express themselves” in a very reckless fashion. It’d be wise of you not to be one of those people.
Instead, express your wants, needs, and cravings in a much more respectable manner and become a fixer, not a destroyer.
And also, you probably shouldn’t even express anything to the person who left you and hurt you. Not if this person is cold, angry, mean, or unreceptive to you.
If possible, you should try to let go of your ex without your ex’s help because your ex isn’t your friend yet. He or she is probably incapable of being one right after the breakup, so you may as well “use” the people who are available and much more willing to help.
There will probably be times when you’ll feel angry with your ex, and might even consider taking revenge on your ex. Make sure you don’t act on your hatred and seek justice by retaliating with pain and destruction.
It’s okay to feel angry and have occasional bad thoughts about your ex (this is your self-defense mechanism protecting you from the pain and injustice your ex has put you through).
But whatever you do, don’t lose your self-contor and get back at your ex.
That’s not what mature people do. Mature people forgive, learn from their mistakes, and find a person who will treat them better.
From my understanding, people feel a need to take revenge when their ex leaves them for someone else, ignores them, humiliates them, uses them, or abuses them. I’ve probably left out a few other reasons, but the point I’m trying to make is that it’s okay to feel the way you do.
If you feel disrespected and angry, it’s okay to feel angry.
If you’re hurt and depressed, it’s okay to feel hurt.
Just make sure you don’t dwell on those emotions or they could consume you.
Don’t seek closure from your ex
Just how you shouldn’t unleash your fury on your ex, you also shouldn’t seek closure from your ex. Doing so will most likely smother your ex and bring a bad reaction out of your ex.
And that’s going to make moving on a lot more difficult than it has to be.
My advice is to rely on your ex only if your ex encourages you to reach out or if he or she appears to be receptive and willing to help.
If your ex doesn’t meet these conditions, breaking no contact could cause a lot of damage to you. It could reset your healing progress and trigger the aforementioned setbacks.
So be careful not to put your hopes on your ex unless it’s absolutely safe to do so.
If you don’t know whether it’s safe, keep in mind that most dumpees shouldn’t trust their ex for healing. They aren’t ready to reach out, so when they reach out prematurely, they put their hopes on their ex and expect their ex to make them feel better.
But instead of receiving a warm reply, their ex often tells them to move on and to find someone else.
Why do dumpers do that?
I believe they do it because they don’t know how it feels to be the dumpee. They don’t know that dumpees can’t handle rejections and comments like, “You’ll find someone who will love you.”
Dumpees are constantly on the lookout for hope. And anything that gives them too much hope or kills too much hope causes them excruciating anxiety.
Why is it so hard to let go of a person you love?
First of all, nothing is harder than letting go of someone you love who doesn’t love you. It’s even harder than letting go of someone who passes away because a person who dies doesn’t break your heart.
He or she leaves you unintentinally with love and admiration for you.
A person who dumps you, on the other hand, has no love for you. All he or she has is a strong conviction that you’re not the right person for him/her and that breaking up with you makes him or her happier than being with you.
Because you’re aware of this, it’s very hard for you to accept that you’re no longer wanted. In fact, you crave your ex’s affection even more because of it because now you want what you used to have and can no longer have.
Separation anxiety, the fear of the unknown, and pleasant memories also make it extremely difficult for you to let go. They hinder you from disconnecting emotionally, so you keep holding on, hoping the pain would ease and that things would get back to normal.
Lots of people have a hard time letting go of a person they love not just because breakups are hard but also because they make it hard on themselves by constantly breaking the rules of no contact.
They think they owe their ex friendship, explanations, attention, or some sort of a post-breakup truce—so they entertain their ex’s guilt, boredom, or unhappiness and neglect their own well-being.
This, in turn, makes their moving very difficult as they constantly fill their hearts with hope and become more and more emotionally dependent on their ex for validation and self-love.
Such dumpees need to realize that their ex is an ex (less than a friend) and that they need to stay away from their ex out of respect for their well-being.
It’s unfortunate, but dumpees who don’t avoid the typical post-breakup mistakes usually suffer the most and the longest. They think and feel they need their ex back when in reality, they need to get themselves and their happiness back.
I know how hard it can be to let go of someone you love who doesn’t love you back, but if you want to let go of that person, there are only three things you’ll need.
- Willpower.
- Perseverance.
- And lots of time.
If you wish to let go of your ex, a friend, or anyone who abandoned you, you have to want to let go of that person. Your desire to heal has to overshadow your pain, denial, hope, and cravings from the past.
When it does, you’ll still experience occasional bad days. But you’ll be able to bounce back from them quicker and stronger every time.
Eventually, you’ll realize that your bond with the person who left you is no longer there and that you’re finally able to start fresh.
So if you want to let go of someone you love, start by freeing yourself from the past. Tell yourself that it’s okay to let go – to not be afraid and that your life is far from over.
It’s just the beginning because an ending creates opportunities to start over and do things differently.
How to know it’s time to let go?
You can tell it’s time to let go the moment your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you and shows no signs of wanting you back.
Disinterest after the breakup indicates that the breakup is most likely permanent and that you mustn’t waste your time and health on someone who’s not into you anymore.
There’s no use in holding on because every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute you could spend on yourself.
You really need to forget about the promises your ex has made and see the reality that you’re living in.
When you take your rose-tinted glasses off and see things clearly, you’ll be able to gradually let go of your ex and create a life without your ex in it. You’ll feel your strength returning to you.
So if you haven’t already, start letting go of your ex right now so that you can live for yourself and enjoy your life in the near future.
If you have a difficult time doing that at the moment because you’re hurt, try again. And if you fail after that, try once more. Keep trying day after day until your thoughts and willpower create emotions of detachment and allow you to let go once and for all.
When I was going through my breakup, I kept trying and trying, but I kept failing. I couldn’t let go no matter what I did, so I almost gave up trying.
I don’t want you to give up on yourself. I want you to try to detach and let go even harder on your bad days.
It can feel scary to let go completely because you’re afraid you’ll lose that person completely. But if there’s one thing you need to know, it’s that letting go is exactly what you need to be happy.
You don’t need your ex. You need exactly the opposite – your ex out of your life for good.
There really is no use in holding on longer than your brain forces you to because your life is too short to wait for someone who doesn’t love you anymore.
There are better things waiting for you.
So to conclude, how fast you let go of someone you love depends on your willpower, perceptions, breakup mistakes, emotional strength, and the things that distract you and give meaning to your life.
Make sure you follow these 9 steps so that you can let go of someone you love as quickly as you can.
1.Start no contact. It’s important that you cut all the forms of communication with your ex and minimize the number of emotional setbacks.
2.Stop reminiscing about the past. It can be difficult not to obsess about your ex. But you can still stop yourself from indulging in nostalgia. You just need some willpower.
3.Allow yourself to grieve and express yourself. It’s okay to feel sad or angry. Just how your ex needs time to process the breakup, so do you. Focus on getting better.
4.Forgive yourself and your ex. You’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you forgive yourself for your mistakes and your ex for breaking up with you.
5. Find ways to be happy. Try to find joy even in simple things in life. Take up new and old hobbies and get busy with things you enjoy.
6.Talk to your friends. Rely on your friends for closure. They are the ones who will push you out of your comfort zone and distract you.
7.Spend time with your family. Your family will always have your back. So open up to them and ask them for help when you need it.
8. Improve your shortcomings. Nothing will distract you more than improving yourself. I suggest you do some reading and learn when and how you should have behaved throughout the relationship.
9. Live with purpose and ambition. The moment you detach from your ex and find something else to focus on, you’ll forget about your ex altogether and use the newly gained determination to invest in yourself.
And that’s it for this article. Are you working on letting go of someone you love who doesn’t love you? How are you coping with anxiety and constant setbacks? Share your experiences below this post.
And of course, if you prefer to talk about this privately, feel free to check out our coaching plans here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
@Ran-sounds like you need to figure out why you were so abusive and mean to a person who loved you. Do you think you’re unworthy of love? Was it your childhood? Were you abused verbally? Until you can fix what is wrong with you, you’re doomed to repeat your mistakes. Sounds like your ex got tired of your bs. His family and friends probably did not like you either. He is probably not coming back. You need to leave him alone and focus on you.He does not appear to be the bad guy in this situation. Good luck!
Hello, I just came across your blog and this article,
Me and my ex seperated after years of love . I know him since 2011 so we basically grew together and know everything about eachother, our families got involved too and everything was serious. the past 2 years I started changing and becoming a different person, I still don’t know the exact reason why I became like this but I learned alot from this breakup. I changed in a very bad way, I started nagging on him, being negative towards him, cussing him without any particular reason, I became agressive towards him, he was being patient with me for 2 years every now and then he gave me warnings to stop being like that and change otherwise our relationship wouldn’t work but I never listened to him, when I started making progress it was for about two weeks and then I go back to the bad habits again.
On March 17th, my life has basically turned around, we got into a fight for no reason (because of me) and I started cussing him. I wouldn’t understand why I’m being like that because I really love him and care for him and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, he was always so loving, so patient, so good with me but I took him for granted. he broke up with me later that night and I didn’t know that he actually was serious this time. he kept the contact for about a week and when I started begging and pleading him for another chance he blocked me on every social media and blocked my number so that he never receives my calls, I got into a very bad depression as I lost appetite , I became pale and physically weak. I tried to reach out to him many time , he replied sometimes but he said he doesn’t want me anymore and that the love is lost, he lost feelings. he told me to move on and focus on myself, I couldn’t see a life without him so I insisted and then came a time when he started being rude, it was the first time in the 9 years since I know him that he was rude to me, I let him go for two weeks and decided to give him his space, not gonna lie I was feeling death everyday away from him. it was getting worse. the two weeks have passed when it was finally my birthday, he didn’t contact me and it was the worst birthday of my life. I called him after that with a different number, he replied , I begged him to listen to me until I was shocked to the fact that he cussed me . he really cussed le for the first time since I know him ,he said fuck off two times. He was so gentle, so calm, so well manered, I never expected something like that from him. He never behaved like that. in the beginning I thought to myself well at least he game a reason to move on, but days after that, I started missing him all over again and I ‘m going through really hard times away from him.
it’s been two weeks now since I last heard his voice and a month since he broke up with me. what makes it harder for me is the fact that I was the one who hurt him and the reason why he left me.
Could he ever calm down and start to miss me again? after all the years, the memories and the chemistry we had together? this man really loved me and he made me feel it. I couldn’t love him right…
Hi, could you write an article about no-contact and short-term relationships?
Hi.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will in the near future.
Zan
Such an important article!
And yes one of the hardest things in my life was to let go of someone I loved.
But I when I see all this during 2 years of NC I see and understand that letting go takes time, patience, strength, and most of all, a self-forgiving, optimistic mindset. It takes courage, self-love, and a strong belief that everything will be okay with or without the person in question.
Your blog helped me tremendously and your reply.
I don’t know where I would be without your help! Forever grateful Zan :))
Hi Linda.
Thanks for commenting.
I think you’re more than ready to leave your ex behind and find someone you can connect with.
Great job on getting this far!
Zan
First, let me thank you for a really interesting blog.
Many posts have been total eye-openers for me, and many of the mistakes analyzed here, are definitely such mistakes that I have made.
My current situation is somewhat weird though. I keep thinking some of you examples fit my situation, but at the same time they don’t.
I lived with my girlfriend for several years, we had a relationship for almost 10 years all together. She is the loving step mother of my teenage kids and we have been the real deal during this time. However, we separated after a few years of living together since “everyday life” was killing us. Instead we moved to separate apartments, started fresh and got back to dating-phase and really started to enjoy each other again. It was brilliant, like we were falling in love again for the first time.
Suddenly everything turned upside down, when she called a morning and told me she had been with another man the night before. I know most guys don’t see these things coming, but in this case it really was out of the blue for me since our relationship really had been blossoming lately. So we got straight into crisis mode. Neither of us wanted to just break up but I was of course really on the defense, acting hurt and needy. She on the other hand apologized for hurting me but still didn’t really regret meeting this other guy, and she turned into hot and cold mode. At some times she would be really loving, but at other times she was really distancing herself, clearly stating she needed some space.
Well, we took things seriously and went to couples’ therapy, trying to figure out what to do with our relationship. We have a transparent dialogue which really is a good thing (remember, she told me immediately after the affair) but nevertheless my approach to this is difficult. We are still in a relationship but at the same time, we have allowed each other to see other people, so guess its kind of open at the moment. She has been meeting up with the same guy, and probably is on a GIGS-phase with him. I’ve been on a few dates myself, just to feel the temperature and its been fun, but nothing serious at all.
This has been going on for a couple of months now, and our deal is to see each other like 2 times a week, and then give each other space the rest of the time. I try not to contact her at any time in between our days and that’s been working quite well. I slowly feel my power getting back in the relationship, getting it more and more balanced after the initial shock phase. My sense of jealousy is also slowly going away, even though I know she is seeing other people. We started to have sex again and are really loving at times, but every now and then she falls back into cold mode which makes me question everything again.
In principle I’m ok with an open relationship, for many reasons it might even suit my own personality. But I really think it is of utmost importance that we found it on a deep, true love commitment. That the loyalty is always between me and her, and potentially other people are just at most “breath of fresh air ” and nothing else. This is really tricky and I’m not naive. At the moment I don’t have her loyalty at 100% , maybe 80%. I know this other guy might still be a factor, and also that me being a bit extra needy lately have made it even worse. Probably, the love balance is somewhat in the neighbourhood of 60/40 in her “favor”..:)
I am pretty sure that If I would break up with her, she would be back within the next 3-4 months. I’m a confident man with no problems in getting interest from other women, so its not that I’m afraid I will be alone or so. Still, the thought of breaking up with her is scary. I really want her in my life, but at the same time starting to realize that I will be fine without her. So what to do in this situation? Should I go first, ending it, going no contact, and then wait for her to come to me in a stronger way? Or should I continue building on the current relationship, It feels like its getting stronger and stronger again. I definitely do not want to risk being friend zoned though.
Hi Peter.
Your relationship no longer has any boundaries. You’re in an open-relationship with absolutely no plans for the future. I think that one of two things will happen. She’ll either get to know the guy and be with him or she’ll realize your worth and come back to you.
As things are, you’re her safety net. And as long as you’re around, things probably aren’t going to get much better. They could if the guy messes up a lot, of course, but if he’s somewhat decent, you could see her distance herself even more and slowly disappear.
I’m not sure what to tell you, Peter. If you think you deserve more, go NC and find someone who can commit to you. But if you’re okay with the way things are, then simply carry on. Anything could happen. It’s best you figure out what you want from someone who fell out of love with you.
Best regards,
Zan
Great article Zan! As you know, I’ve been following your blog for about a year now and it’s been incredibly helpful. I cannot thank you enough for what you bring to the table. Many times, I have contemplated how to pay you back but how do you put a price on something invaluable? Today, I figured I’d let you in on something. I’ve been very successful in the crypto verse and as such, I thought I’d share a tip on a token that I believe will be parabolic in the near future. UBX (ubix.networks). This isn’t financial advice obviously, it’s simply my recommendation and something I am obviously invested in as well. I genuinely believe it’s going to blow up in the near future. If you’re interested, check it out. If you need more info, by all means let me know. Thanks again for everything you do bro!
Hi bro , so i believe we get both dumped . For me it was 6/7 month ago but i didn’t make a lot of post break up mistakes ans started no contact when she dumped me (horrible manner, by TEXT). Im now feeling better even if i have some setbacks sometimes. So during this 6/7 months i invested in a lot business including crypto and unfortunately i was out of luck . I dont know why but im trusting u even if the UBX took -35% today . Pls could u tell me more abouty it . Thanks my dumped brother in arm
Hey Max,
Sorry for the late reply but things got very busy for me lately. Don’t worry too much about the price drop. The project is so good, it’s being manipulated at the moment by whales wanting to accumulate tons of it before it’s too late. Make sure you have over 1M UBX in order to benefit from the daily AirDrops and incoming 36% APY returns. This will become one of your most important passive income streams. Whatever you do, don’t panic sell. I recommend you join the Telegram UBIX Trading Room. Look me up in there. It’s an awesome community and almost all of us are never selling it. Email me at c_johnny67@yahoo.com if you need more info.
Hi DK.
Thanks for sticking around and, of course, for the crypto advice. I also do a bit of trading every now and then and have had moderate success thus far. The platform on which I trade doesn’t support UBX, but thank you for sharing your opinion with me. I’ll keep an eye on it.
Kind regards,
Zan
You can trade it on Kucoin. It’s an excellent exchange. UBX is coming to all of the big ones. Ideally, if you’re going to invest in it, do so before it gets listed everywhere as that’s when the price goes parabolic (when more people get access to it).
When my ex first broke up with me I had horrible anxiety that was almost too much to deal with, she cut me off completely, she was the most important thing in my life and completely disappeared overnight, she didn’t even want to be friends. It wasn’t until a month or two after the breakup that I started reading Magnet of Success and started no contact, I made basically every single post-breakup mistake before that point. My ex treated me terribly post-breakup, she wouldn’t respond to me at all, started hitting on and dating my friends (male and female) all while publicly shaming me for months on social media. I was completely enraged and held serious hatred for her for a long time, even though I was still in love with her and wanted her back. It has been about 6 months of no contact, she hasn’t reached out or tried to contact me, I broke no contact twice, I had the mindset that I needed to check up on her and ask if she was doing OK (Covid breakup) the pandemic has been difficult for everyone and I wanted her to know I cared despite how worthless she made me feel, she didn’t respond which only worsened my pain and set back my self progress. At first I needed her to respond then as time passed I needed just an apology and some recognition to move on but I gave her the opportunity to do the right thing and she didn’t, it’s too late for an apology and it’s too late for reconciliation. She isn’t a morally structured individual, she is young, arrogant, ignorant, immature and emotionally undeveloped and not someone that can add healthy value to my life and I’ve come to accept that. I care about her and I forgive her for the pain she’s caused me, some relationships just aren’t strong enough to persevere, especially when reciprocity is absent.
If it makes you feel better, know that age has very little to do with it. When a person is damaged, they’re damaged. My ex of 10 years was 48. You’d think that by then, she’d be a mature and developed person but no. She lied, cheated, and left just like every damaged public toilet out there. People like that belong to the streets. Trust me, the next person(s) she’s with are going to be of equal or lower value than she is. You’ve lost nothing of value even though if make not feel this way initially. The nostalgia and memories of the good times might remain but you won’t look at them in the same way anymore. Focus on yourself and make sure that YOUR life is un-fucking believable and the remember, ANY future woman you’re should be nothing more than a compliment to your life. Never, ever the main focus. Win win for everyone.
Exactly. Damaged is damaged. My ex also disappeared over night after a three year relationship and ran back to another ex that she had been with multiple times in the past. Now they are engaged…again. All this after she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Along with this site, which has helped me tremendously, I recommend reading about personality disorders. Borderlines and narcs are notorious for flipping on their partners and leaving them completely confused. They idealize, devalue and then discard the people they are with, and if they left for someone else and it doesn’t work out, they might try to come back and recycle like nothing ever happened. Go no contact and stay that way.
I just read the BPD article and it really put things into perspective for me. My ex was Bipolar 1 which was a constant challenge to our relationship, I really tried my best to be supportive and I know I made some mistakes but I was made to feel like a failure for not doing enough apparently, the mental illness was the priority and justification for everything negative in the relationship, it took me a long time to understand it was gaslighting and manipulative. It really makes more sense now why my ex wants nothing to do with me, it’s completely out of my control and I accept that.
My 2 cents that I’ve learned is that when a woman tells you that you’re the best thing in the world along with a million promises of happily forever after, know that she is saying that and meaning it “in that moment in time”. She’s saying it due to the emotions she is feeling. The minute those emotions change (for whatever reason), these words never existed. A mature woman will communicate and try and find a solution with you. Unfortunately, most women have no clue how to be in a relationship, let alone communicate properly, and as such, belong to the streets. Program your brain to always expect that from them, enjoy them for the moment, and be ready to walk instantly the minute she starts showing her damaged colours. You cannot lose. A woman that truly loves you and wants to be with you, will go out of her way to constantly prove it you. If she doesn’t, be ready to hold the door WIDE open for her when she decides to leave. Don’t forget to smile on her way out 🙂 YOUR life is what matters, you don’t need any woman’s approval. Like I always say, a woman is nothing more than a compliment to your already amazing life. The cherry on top. Never the main focus.
As a woman here, I’d like to point out that what DK has said applies to men as well. I got dumped by my ex a couple weeks ago. We were together 7 months or so, we didn’t fight, I tried to do nice things for him and express gratitude for him regularly. I knew he was afraid of commitment but I decided to give him whatever space he needed and respect any boundary he set but in the end he didn’t appreciate any of it and broke up with me saying “You like me more than I like you,” “I still regret all the time what I did” (breaking up with his previous gf 2 months before we started seeing each other), “I don’t see a future with you.” And he’s right that he never seemed madly in love with me after the first rush of the relationship wore off, but he had said plenty of things to express attachment to me. But then we were apart for one month because he was visiting his family he decided that it was too much for him and he wants to be friends or FWB if I’m up for it (which I’m not). And I bumped into him a week ago and he told me he’d text me later (not that I’d asked, it was literally the first and last things he said in a 30 second conversation) and of course I never heard from him.
All this is to say that women aren’t the only ones who can have feelings and want to be with you one minute and then the week you’re apart start feeling like there’s something better for them. I feel so used and I oscillate between missing him terribly and wanting nothing to do with him. So far I’m implementing NC but we frequent the same gym which is a source of community for me so I’m not going to switch gyms just to avoid him.
You make a valid point and I appreciate it, age really doesn’t have much bearing, some people go their whole lives treating other people badly without remorse. I’m in a good place now, still single and I have set backs emotionally but no contact is the name of the game for sure.