Did your ex break up with you and make you think he or she is keeping you around as an option in case things fall apart?
Oftentimes, dumpers hold on to their ex-partners after the breakup. They act friendly with them – as if nothing happened and send them mixed signals. They make them think they may still feel something for them and that they want to keep them around as a backup for when they run out of dating options.
Fortunately for dumpees, this is usually not the case. Most dumpers just want to keep their exes around as occasional friends. They like the attention and convenience of talking to people they’re familiar with and have no intention of getting back together with. Usually, they reach out, ask private things such as “Are you dating anyone,” and act as if they didn’t break up.
Their behavior confuses dumpees and makes them wonder if they’re being strung along on purpose.
From what I see, most dumpers don’t intend to complicate their ex’s life. They just want to focus on themselves and occasionally talk to their ex about their problems, interests, and feelings. Sometimes they also get curious and nostalgic about their ex and want to know how their ex is doing, assuage their guilt, and receive certain benefits from their ex—benefits such as support, validation, and entertainment.
These things all make dumpees feel useful to their ex and cause them to have even more intrusive thoughts, hope, anxiety, and confusion.
If you want to know if your ex is keeping you as an option, you have to look at your ex’s dating life. Is your ex dating you and someone else at the same time? Is he or she uncertain about someone new and keeps coming to you to fulfill certain needs?
If your ex is sleeping with you, kissing you, flirting with you, and asking you relationship questions while seeing someone else, your ex is obviously keeping you as an option. Your ex is giving you something to hold on to while he or she determines if the new person is the right romantic partner for him or her.
It could take your ex a few weeks to decide whether to move on with the new person, go back to you, or talk to you temporarily until he or she finds a more compatible person to commit to. Most dumpers don’t choose their ex. They find the new person more attractive, get serious with him or her, and eventually stop spending time with their ex.
Fortunately, many dumpees don’t let themselves get strung along for weeks. They slowly lose their patience and either make their ex choose who to be with or just call it quits. They realize their ex is wasting their time and that they deserve someone who’s 100% certain about them.
Needless to say, an ex who’s torn between you and someone else doesn’t deserve you. He or she doesn’t deserve the new person either. As long as he or she has doubts and feels unsure about who to pick, he or she shouldn’t be dating and giving people false hope. The man or woman should be letting go of the previous relationship and working on his or her shortcomings.
But what if your ex isn’t dating anyone? Could he or she be keeping you as an option?
It’s possible.
But what’s even more possible is that your ex is afraid of letting go of the friendship and the connection he or she had established with you. Your ex may be scared of being alone or think it’d be a shame to fall out of touch and forget about each other. Some dumpers don’t want to lose their ex even as friends. They don’t have a lot of good friends to bond with and think friendship with an ex is possible.
They forget that dumpees can’t be friends. If they try, dumpers’ behavior and presence give them false hope and open their wounds. Dumpees become forced to obsess over their ex when they should be recovering from the breakup and learning to enjoy their life.
You need to know that very few dumpers stay friends with an ex to keep their ex around as a romantic option. If they only talk to their ex when they’re bored, sad, curious, or out of cash, they don’t intend to keep their ex around for a rainy day. They don’t think that far ahead and only want to talk to their ex about their thoughts and feelings in the present moment.
If your ex wanted to keep you as an option, your ex would have given you something to work with. He or she would have complimented you, slept with you, tried to ruin your new relationship, told you that you’ll get back together, or done anything to prevent you from moving on with your life and finding someone else to date.
Your ex would basically have tried to slow down your detachment and self-dependence.
Don’t mistake breakup excuses for wanting to string you along. If your ex said something along the lines of “I need some time to think, the future is uncertain, anything could happen,” your ex did it to reduce your pain, avoid binging a negative reaction out of you, and ease his or her guilt.
He or she didn’t give you false hope with the intention to get back together. It’s quite the opposite, really. Your ex did it to make you feel good and get you off his or her back.
Breakup excuses indicate that dumpers feel overwhelmed and that they’re willing to lie and make their ex feel false emotions just to be left alone and feel positive emotions.
In today’s article, we shed some light on how to tell if your ex is keeping you as an option.
Is my ex keeping me as an option?
For your ex to keep you around as an option, your ex must continuously invest in you. He or she must keep giving you something to keep you emotionally invested and interested in working things out with him or her. This can be words such as ‘I love you’ or actions like holding hands, hugging, kissing, and things that are exclusive to couples.
Of course, an ‘I love you’ from a dumper typically doesn’t mean what it means in a relationship. Many dumpers use ‘I love you’ interchangeably with ‘I like you’ or ‘I care about you.’ They don’t understand that such words are meant for couples with romantic feelings and that using them outside of the relationship can confuse dumpees.
It can make dumpees think they’re special and that they may be able to get back together.
So if your ex casually throws around words of affection, bear in mind that your ex doesn’t really love you and want to keep you as an option. Your ex just hasn’t had enough time to discard the habit of using terms of endearment and needs to be reminded about the dangers of using them. He or she must be told that you’re an ex-couple now and that he or she must act like one.
Your ex’s sweet words don’t mean that your ex is keeping you as an option but that your ex doesn’t respect breakup etiquette and your boundaries. Your ex thinks he or she can treat the breakup like a really good/close friendship and that you’ll be okay with it.
Your ex considers you a backup option only if your ex keeps you emotionally hooked and doesn’t let you move on with your life. That would suggest that your ex doesn’t want to let you go due to the fear of regretting breaking up with you.
All in all, your ex may be giving you false hope intentionally or unintentionally. If it’s intentional, your ex is either a selfish person who doesn’t want you to be happy or wants to have a safe cushion to land on in case he or she fails to find love elsewhere.
However, if it’s unintentional, your ex doesn’t understand and respect breakup boundaries. Your ex merely does what is necessary to alleviate his or her guilty conscience and keep you around for convenience. Your ex likes you as a friend and hopes to stay close and be on good terms.
What your ex doesn’t know is that friendship is impossible for you and that it gives you more problems and pain than positive feelings.
So how to tell if your ex is intentionally keeping you as an option?
You can tell your ex is keeping you as an option when you’re just an option rather than a priority. If your ex usually talks to other people and reaches out only when everyone else is busy, your ex doesn’t value you very much. He or she considers you a time filler – someone to talk to when he or she feels bored or lonely. That makes you your ex’s last choice.
You’re a decent person to talk to when life slows down and lacks excitement.
Minimal effort from an ex shows that your ex doesn’t feel the need to work on the relationship and get on your good side. Your ex is okay with how things currently are because your ex doesn’t love you, nor need your recognition.
You need to understand that your ex can keep you around as a romantic and non-romantic option.
If your ex wants you around romantically, your ex will keep investing in you and making you feel desired and needed. He or she will want to know that you’re interested in him or her and that you’re going to wait for him or her while he or she explores other (romantic) options.
Your ex will keep talking to you almost like a lover and may even (offer to) sleep with you. The connection will feel like a relationship as your ex will make it look like you’re still together or that you could get back together in the near future. Your ex will give you hope by continuing to check up on you and show interest in your life and feelings.
Keep in mind that an ex who wants to keep you in his or her life as a romantic option will express or show gratitude and try to convince you that his/her intentions are legit. The dumper will try to stop you from doubting him or her and distancing yourself too much. Distance will make the dumper afraid of losing you as a backup option and force him or her to give you something to keep you interested.
Likewise, the dumper will prevent you from getting too close.
If your ex senses that you’re becoming needy and clingy, he or she will increase the emotional distance between you and him/her and get closer to other people. The dumper won’t tolerate demanding behavior that makes him or her feel overprioritized, pressured, and uncomfortable. When the dumper notices an increase in your romantic expectations, the dumper will take a few steps away from you and focus on people who don’t suffocate him or her.
You’ll likely notice unhealthy push-pull dynamics. Your ex will be hot and receptive when you show little or no interest, but turn cold and distant when your expectations exceed his or her emotional capacity. Your ex’s behavior and emotions will fluctuate, depending on how expressive and caring you are and what his or her life is like.
If your ex struggles to connect with someone else or argues with that person, your ex will probably be kinder and closer to you. But if your ex gets along with another dating prospect, your ex will probably put minimal effort into maintaining the relationship with you. It will be emotionally draining for your ex to invest in two people at the same time, especially when one of those people feels neglected.
Moerover, if your ex considers you a non-romantic option, your ex will treat you like a friend or occasional friend. He or she will reach out when it’s convenient for him or her and try to benefit from you. Your ex will make you feel important, but only as a friend as you won’t feel romantically satisfied and needed by your ex.
When your ex keeps you around as a non-romantic option, your ex just wants to talk about non-romantic matters. This could be anything that lets your ex distance him/herself from your romantic expectations and gives your ex the space to focus on other people and things.
Typically, dumpers with no romantic intentions reach out when they’re bored, lonely, guilty, ashamed, nostalgic, or curious about their ex. They want to know how their ex is coping with the breakup or if their ex can help them with whatever issue they’re facing. They will talk with excitement and have no regrets.
Having said that, here’s how to tell if your ex is keeping you around as a romantic or non-romantic option.
What to do when your ex treats you like an option?
Whether your ex treats you as a romantic or a non-romantic option, you must understand that you’re still just an option. You’re someone your ex talks to when he or she is bored, nostalgic, or uncertain about someone else. We could say you’re one of your ex’s options rather than the main option.
And as long as you’re just an option, you’re at your ex’s mercy, dependent on your ex for happiness and recognition.
You shouldn’t be okay with that. As a dumpee, your job is to regain your emotional independence and do everything in your power to stand on your own two feet and live a joyful and purposeful life. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to do that when you become your ex’s option. Instead of moving on, you’ll keep waiting for your ex to return and acknowledge your romantic worth.
Your life will continue to revolve around your ex and slow down your healing and growth.
That’s why it’s extremely important to stand up for yourself and cut your ex off. Get rid of your ex and show your ex you’re nobody’s backup plan. You’re either their top priority or an ex from the past. There is no middle option. If they want you to be, you won’t agree to it. You shouldn’t because you want them to respect you and you to respect yourself.
If you know your worth, you should demand respect rather than tolerate breadcrumbs and confusing behavior.
It’s obvious what you should do when your ex treats you like a backup plan. You should remove yourself from being a backup plan and focus on people who deserve your attention and feelings. This can be anyone ready to give you what you want. Whether it’s friendship or relationship, surround yourself with people who consider you an equal, worthy of their time and investment.
As for your ex, he or she lost feelings and interest. Until your ex regains them and is certain you’re the right person for him or her, keep your ex away from you. Don’t let your ex send you mixed signals and delay your recovery. Instead of giving your ex so much power, let your ex know you don’t want to stay in touch and wish him or her well.
Your ex may not like losing you as a backup option, but your ex will respect you for it. That’s because your ex will see that he or she no longer has control over you and that he or she must work hard for your attention.
Do you think your ex is keeping you as an option? What’s your ex doing that is stringing you along? Comment below the post.
And lastly, if you’d like to chat with us about your breakup situation, get in touch by purchasing breakup coaching. We offer both email and phone services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
