Is He Avoiding Me Because He Feels Guilty?

Boyfriends and ex-boyfriends sometimes feel guilty and avoid their (ex)partners. They have a fear of confrontation and don’t know how to deal with difficult emotions, so they avoid their partners or ex-partners and focus on feeling good.

By prioritizing their positive emotions, they ignore the bad ones and by doing so avoid fixing the issues that need fixing. In other words, they continue to stay avoidant and distant. They don’t understand or care that they’re letting their fears and negative emotions in general control their behavior and that they’re making things worse for everybody.

They’re making their partners feel unworthy and themselves feel and look spineless.

In relationships, people who cheat or do something they shouldn’t do avoid their partners because they don’t want to tell the truth and be reminded about what they’ve done. They think that by avoiding important conversations, they can avoid seeing their partners get hurt and angry.

Sadly, this doesn’t fix anything as it often leads to poor communication and a loss of feelings. Couples need to be honest about their mistakes and emotions. By opening up about them, they can discuss causes and solutions to problems and begin the healing process.

After the breakup, on the other hand, dumpers avoid greeting and talking to their exes because they feel smothered and uncomfortable.

They may also feel bad for hurting their partners, but the main reason they deliberately avoid their exes is that running into them forces them to re-experience their pent-up resentment/repulsion and reminds them they treated their exes worse than they should have treated them.

This produces guilt and/or makes it tempting for them to run away from problems and avoid dealing with them altogether. In their minds, they think there’s no need to explain why they did what they did if there’s no more relationship to talk about.

They and their exes have a new life, so discussing relationship matters feels pressuring and unnecessary.

Always remember that dumpers leave relationships to avoid feeling unwanted emotions. They are masters of avoidance and would rather not reminisce about the past and speak about relationship and breakup matters with their exes.

This is especially true if they treated their exes badly, if their exes still love them (have romantic expectations and pressure them), or if they’ve been happy and their exes haven’t (makes them feel guilty).

Such circumstances may tell them they’ve caused a lot of problems for their exes and that they’ve prioritized their happiness over their exes’ anxiety, pain, or depression.

Initially, dumpers may or may not feel much or any guilt. Most of them don’t see or care they’ve hurt their exes because they were unhappy for a long time and think it’s time to put their health and happiness first. They’re convinced that they must move forward on their own or with someone else.

But when they get some space from their exes and stop feeling relieved, they normally slow down a bit and may even reflect on their actions.

Suddenly, they realize they’ve denied their exes closure, forcibly pushed their exes away, or said/did something disrespectful. Such realizations then make dumpers regret hurting their exes, trigger their guilt, and perhaps even make them reach out and check up on their exes.

They ask questions like:

• How have you been?
• Are you mad at me?
• Are you happy?
• How’s your mom?
• Where are you staying now?
• Are you dating anyone?

They often ask personal questions to determine if their exes are still hurt and if they can forgive themselves for causing their exes pain. If they feel that they can forgive themselves, they sometimes ask for friendship, apologize, or just stay away from their exes.

What they do depends on how guilty they feel and whether they’re capable of forgiving themselves and moving forward.

So if a guy you like is acting avoidant and you’re wondering if he’s avoiding you because he feels guilty, know that he could be. He could be on a quest to obtain your forgiveness directly or to forgive himself indirectly by seeing that you’re doing okay.

Just keep in mind that your ex’s guilt isn’t something you should care about. If he feels guilty and reaches out strictly because of guilt, he would likely use you for self-forgiveness and confuse you in the process.

And that’s not something you need now that you’re healing.

The things he talks about with you could make it seem like he’s into you when in reality, he’s just helping himself feel better. So keep in mind that guilt is his problem and that you have different (more important) things to deal with.

You don’t need to worry about his guilty conscience while you’re trying to make sense of what happened and get back on your feet.

In this post, we answer the question of whether he’s avoiding you because he feels guilty or if something else is going on.

Is my boyfriend avoiding me because he feels guilty?

If your boyfriend or someone you’re with is avoiding you, I have to say that this isn’t a good sign. Avoidance typically indicates that he runs away from problems and confrontations and that he could be done with the relationship.

He could be into someone or something else already but doesn’t want to officially break up.

You may be surprised to know that many people leave their partners hanging. They ghost their partners, propose “breaks,” lie, or avoid answering questions because they’re afraid their partners will react emotionally, figure out why they lost feelings, and perhaps even expose their secrets.

Due to the fear of the unknown, they choose not to tell their partners it’s over. They just keep it to themselves and hope that the person they faded out on gets the hint that the relationship has ended.

Ghosters may feel guilty about that, but guilt doesn’t stop them from ghosting and leaving the relationship.

If anything, it makes them want to avoid their partners and continue to run away from problems even more. Ghoster and avoidants in general have no reasons to learn and do better next time. They’ve been running away from problems all their life and think it’s the right thing to do.

There’s no denying that people who avoid others and difficult situations tend to keep doing that. They’re avoidant by nature, so they need to engage in some serious self-reflection before they can see the need to do something about their avoidant tendencies.

In relationships, people avoid their partners because they feel overwhelmed. Whether it’s because they kissed someone else, stopped investing in the relationship and lost feelings, or because they’re going through something difficult and need some alone time doesn’t matter nor excuse their behavior.

Avoidant behavior still shows they’re currently not ready to handle difficulties on their own or with their romantic partners and that they’ll continue to push people away when things get tough. That tells you they’re not ready for self-improvement and serious relationship conversations and compromise.

Their way of solving problems entails running away from problems and forgetting they exist.

So if your boyfriend or someone you dated is avoiding you, know that something’s not right. Something or someone may be more important than you right now. Your biggest hope is that he just needs some time (if you had a disagreement) or that he’s going through something difficult like financial stress or a loss of a loved one.

Such stressors could indicate that he’s currently processing something unfortunate and that he’ll soon return to his old self.

But then again, if your partner was merely dealing with stress and had worries unrelated to the relationship, he probably wouldn’t be avoiding you. He’d talk to you about his problems or at the very least be present but unreceptive.

You need to learn what his problem is.

If he’s avoiding you because of an argument, he probably feels hurt and is holding onto power. He wants you to respect yourself and let him come to you when he’s ready.

But if he’s dealing with stress at work, school, or problems at home, then the guy probably wants to take care of those problems before he focuses on you again. He thinks they should be addressed first – before he continues to feel happy with you.

It’s not the right way to handle difficulties, but if the relationship just started, he may not feel comfortable enough to include you in his personal life just yet. He may think his role as a man is to fix things and that he’s solely responsible for fixing his problems.

But regardless of what he thinks, he should still be honest and tell you what he’s focusing on and why he needs some time to himself. Throughout the whole process, he should respect your patience and commitment to him and update you and reassure you.

That’s what mature and expressive people do because they value their partners and care about their relationships.

They may be dealing with something challenging, but they know they mustn’t neglect other important things and people in the process.

Those who neglect their partners because of their problems put their partners on the back burner and think their partners will understand the predicament they’re facing. But, unfortunately, seldom do their partners understand their predicament as they suffer because of it.

They see it as a lack of their partners’ presence, interest, respect, initiation, and affection—and feel anxious.

They wouldn’t push their partners away if the same thing happened to them, so they feel baffled by their partners’ behavior.

That’s why if the guy in question is avoiding you, he may not be avoiding you because he feels guilty. He could be dealing with something difficult unrelated to the relationship or is having doubts and doesn’t know what to do about the relationship.

Doubts more often than not, keep getting worse (not better) over time, which means he needs to solve them quickly. If he doesn’t do anything about them, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship deteriorates and breaks apart.

So yes, he might have cheated, lied, or done something he wasn’t supposed to and is now having a difficult time accepting his behavior (feeling guilty). But it’s also possible that he’s detaching from the relationship and is avoiding you because doing so feels right for him.

Either way, most people (especially mature ones) don’t run away from feelings of guilt. Most people (those with morals) try to assuage their guilt because their guilty conscience is not letting them move forward.

With that said, a guy could feel guilty and avoid you by:

• ignoring your texts and calls
• walking past you
• staying out of the house (if you live together)
• pretending to be busy

Is my ex avoiding me because he feels guilty?

One of the reasons your ex is avoiding you could indeed be because he feels guilty, but it’s much more likely that your ex is tired of the relationship and has plans and goals that don’t involve you. Your ex probably wants to focus on other things and people because they make him feel happier emotions.

If he were to feel guilty, he would probably reach out to you and try to alleviate his guilt. He wouldn’t suffer alone and avoid you at all costs.

Of course, anything is possible, but a little bit of guilt usually doesn’t incentivize dumpers to reach out. Dumpers need to feel quite a bit of guilt for quite some time to finally decide to help themselves and reach out.

They can deal with a little bit of guilt on their own and don’t need their ex to forgive them for hurting their ex.

You’ve got to understand that your ex is avoiding you not because he feels bad for putting you through the breakup but because he’s your ex. He doesn’t see a reason to communicate with you and spend time with you anymore, so he chooses to stay away from you.

The thought of engaging in meaningless conversations smothers him and brings back his repressed feelings. These are the feelings that he’s been doing his best to avoid ever since he left.

And he’d like to keep avoiding them unless he can’t do it or doesn’t want to do it anymore.

That means he’d either want or need to talk to you when the topic of conversation is about guilt, kids, divorce, mortgage, belongings, or something important that can’t wait. That would make it okay for him not to avoid you anymore.

It’s also possible that your ex is avoiding you because he doesn’t want to hurt you. But that’s true only if he’s mature and genuinely wants to help you feel better. An ex who ignores your calls isn’t being that thoughtful. He’s ignoring you because he only cares about himself.

So if you still ask yourself, “Is he avoiding me because he feels guilty,” bear in mind that it probably depends on whether this person is your partner or your ex. If he’s your partner, he’s probably avoiding you because he’s focusing on something or someone he deems as more important.

And if he’s your ex, he’s most likely just your typical dumper who needs space and doesn’t want to talk to you.

Either way, he’s prioritizing his wants and needs and doesn’t see or care how he’s making you feel. You need to distance yourself from him and keep in mind that if he feels guilty and needs your help with it that he’ll reach out.

You don’t need to let him know it’s safe for him to open up to you and that you forgive him. That would be way completely unnecessary.

Do you think he’s avoiding you because he feels guilty? How does that make you feel? Share your feelings, questions, and concerns with us in the comments below.

And if you want to talk about the guy’s guilt and actions with us, click here to visit our coaching page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.