I Can’t Let Go Of My Ex No Matter How Hard I Try!

Letting go of an ex is no easy task. If it were, you probably wouldn’t be here, looking for ways to move on.

First of all, let me assure you that letting go of your ex doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t ever get back together.

Letting go means you accept your breakup and become okay with whatever happens afterward. For example; if your ex starts dating someone else, a detached version of you simply won’t care much. Not enough to get hurt anyway.

You might be thinking, “But if I let go of my ex, I won’t need her back! I will just find someone else and so will she!”

This is precisely the point. Right now, you likely feel that you need your ex to survive.

Your body is constantly in a fight or flight mode, begging you for some sort of improvement or some kind of a sign that your ex still loves you.

Depending on how long it’s been since your breakup, your mind is shifting from needing to wanting to not wanting your ex back.

These kinds of mood swings are common—especially when you are going through the 3 painful stages of no contact. Just when you finally think you’re doing better, you get hit by a setback and your wound opens again.

Normally, these setbacks are caused by external forces that are out of your control.

For example, when you’re having a bad day, you feel that you absolutely need your ex to be happy. And contrarily, when you’re busy with your life and haven’t given much thought to your ex, you only desire your ex, or perhaps don’t at all.

Changing from one type of emotion to another is a sign of healing and moving on. So consider it a blessing and use it as an indicator of your emotional improvement.

In this article, we’ll discuss how you can let go of your ex completely so that you can once again be happy on your own or with someone else.

If I let go, will I still want my ex back?

Let’s first clarify something that needs clarifying more than anything. Most dumpees will want their ex back even after they’ve been treated horribly.

To be completely honest, those who get treated like dirt usually want their exes back even more!

And that’s because of a single 4 letter word – PAIN.

Pain is the reason why we want our exes back. It’s the quickest explanation to anyone’s desire for reconciliation. At least at first—right after the breakup.

As long as we are still in the early stages of a breakup for the dumpee, we feel incredibly pulled toward the person who’s hurt us badly. The more damage our exes cause and the more they destroy our lives, the higher the levels of pain.

This is especially true for those dumpees who:

• suffer from depression
• have low confidence and self-esteem
• had over-relied on their partners for emotional support
• have very few friends
• dedicated their lives to their exes

People can be selfishly brutal

Since most people don’t understand the severity of the breakups, they leave their partners selfishly and cause unbelievable pain. It’s their lack of caring, ignoring, rejecting, blaming, belittling, cheating that causes dumpees to suffer the most.

And your case is no different.

The more your ex shows that he or she doesn’t care about you, the more you will suffer.

If your ex was one of those people who has hurt you badly and you’re thinking to yourself “My ex has changed. It’s not who my ex really is,” allow me to say that this isn’t true.

Your ex has always been the same—with the only exception that he or she cared about you.

This, of course, changed some time before the breakup and that’s what’s so difficult to comprehend for you as a dumpee.

So because your ex doesn’t care much, you feel pain mainly due to:

• low self-esteem
• hurt ego and confidence
• lack of happy hormones,
• withdrawals
• separation anxiety

If you were treated badly (especially post-breakup), then letting go of your ex is not such a bad thing after all. You deserve better and you will find better sooner than later.

It’s practically impossible not to as long as you know you can.

No matter how old you are or how unskilled you are at dating, you will eventually find another person.

But for now, you must, unfortunately, get past your unpleasant situation and leave it all behind you. There is no other way.

My ex was one of its kind!

Let’s say your ex is a saint—one of its kind—the last of the species which must be preserved at all cost so that it doesn’t become extinct.

For some reason, most dumpees believe they have caught themselves a fairy and that they can’t do better.

That is—until they actually find better half a year or a year later and regret ever shedding a single tear for their ex.

Anyway, in an unlikely event that you’ve had a fairy, you will likely still want your ex back even when you are over him or her.

The reason for that is because people want the best for themselves. Combine that with the fact that you can’t have your ex because he or she is not available to you, and you will want your ex even years later.

The good thing about wanting your ex when you are over the breakup is that you will no longer feel like it’s something you need to be happy or validated.

Instead, it will come from your inner desire to be with this person.

And if the opportunity presents itself in the future, you will most likely take it even if you’re dating someone else. Unless you’ve found someone better, of course.

In that case, why would you even want your ex back? Is it because of the familiarity, hurt ego and the feelings you feel because you got broken up with?

Getting back together with an ex only because you feel hurt shouldn’t be an option. But unfortunately, many people leave good partners to go back to their ex when their partner finally gets to the regret phase.

The history and the time spent together doesn’t matter when it comes to exes. This is especially true if you’re dating someone else.

What does matter, on the other hand, are the positive emotions the new partner makes you feel.

So if an opportunity presents itself and your ex comes crying back, professing his or her love, please think twice before leaving your new partner that has made you feel nothing but joy.

Is it true love?

Please, don’t mistake true love for the way you feel towards your ex post-breakup. Due to your breakup pain as a dumpee, your wants became needs. The feelings you feel toward your ex got intensified and multiplied by x10.

Since you were abandoned, you feel a lack of validation and therefore, need love more than food and air.

But the problem with that is that you need it from the person who isn’t giving it to you. And this is why your deep, obsessive desire for love originates from the damage your ex has caused.

You need to understand that right after the breakup, you become obsessively dependent on your ex to reciprocate his or her love to you, so you started to hurt as a result.

So if love is but a wish to be loved, then breakups are the worst enemy of this quote. It hurts so much more because you still love your ex like crazy, but he or she stopped returning your love.

Now that you’re starved for love, you are suffering from a lack of security, validation, and self-esteem that your relationship provided to you on a consistent basis.

The reason why breakups are so hard is that we live in the past—craving the emotions we experienced whilst we were still in a relationship.

Most of them, we took for granted and now that they’re gone, we suffer from their absence.

So no matter why your ex broke up with you, don’t blame yourself for it. You may have taken your ex for granted, but he or she should have expressed his or her wants and needs better—so that love could blossom.

Since breakup ensued instead, we can safely say that your relationship wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. It wasn’t “true love” either because real love would never collapse.

Will it be true love if we get back together?

True love is often exaggerated in a way that makes it seem innocent. People write things like:

• true love knows no boundaries
• if it’s meant to be, it will be
• sometimes time apart can help the love grow
• people who love each other will find their way back together

It’s way more sophisticated than just letting the universe take care of things. The real reasons why exes come back are usually very selfish.

If something as simple as waking up one day and suddenly realizing your worth were all it took for your ex to come back, then I would wholeheartedly support all reconciliations.

Since this is not the case, exes have to realize our abilities to make them happy the hard way. Once they’ve had an epiphany, they will, of course, come running back, professing their “true love.”

Guys especially, say things like, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I realized you’re the one for me because I never loved anyone like you.”

Does this remind you of anything or anyone? Does it remind you of how you sounded on the day of the breakup? Or maybe you didn’t beg, but likely wanted to express yourself in a similar fashion.

If your ex comes running back, you can bet something went south on your ex’s end when he or she starts a conversation with you in such a manner half a year after you got abandoned cold-heartedly.

People are usually way to stubborn to admit their wrongdoings unless something/someone destroys their self-esteem, self-love, and validation.

Why can’t I let go of my ex?

You can’t let go of your ex because you believe that you need your ex to breathe. Furthermore, pain is what deceives you and hope is what reinforces your recently (self-created beliefs of pure love).

The love you feel is not really “love” anyway. It’s mostly just an over-infatuated desire to be loved.

You probably didn’t love your ex like a maniac when you were still with him or her. If you remember what we discussed earlier, you will realize that it’s merely your pain speaking.

If you could have a conversation with your pain which stems from the heart, it would look like this.

Heart: I’m in pain! I need my ex to feel better!

Brain: My ex treated me horribly. I don’t want my ex back.

Heart: Yeah but it hurts so much.

Brain: True. I wish the breakup didn’t happen. We were a good match.

Heart: My ex could really make me feel good. I felt so safe.

Brain: You’re right. I wouldn’t feel this hurt if our love wasn’t real.

Emotions are many times stronger than our thoughts and will always prevail unless we learn how to control them.

Failing to control emotions is people’s biggest drawback. Because of emotions, we make bad decisions every day.

Here’s a harmless example. Did you know that going hungry or thirsty to the convenience store will usually result in you buying way more than you need?

The same principle applies to your ex. When you’re hungry for your ex, you risk making bad emotional decisions. These decisions are normally begging and pleading, and in some cases, leaving the new partner for your ex when he or she comes back.

Here’s a tip from me. Whilst you’re single, develop a mind over matter mentality where your brain is able to overcome your impulsiveness. You can start by becoming self-aware of your thoughts and making conscious decisions.

Hope is what makes us weak

In breakups, the hope of reconciliation is a killer—a destroyer of your health and a postponer of recuperation.

If you’re sitting at home crying and praying for your ex to make a dramatic return, you need to stop hoping so that you can heal. Moreover, when you keep obsessing over your ex’s return, your well-being is going to stay exactly as it is or possibly—even worse.

You could end up seriously mentally and physically ill, so put a stop-loss on how much health you are prepared to sacrifice. If you’re wise, you will soon come to the conclusion that none is the answer.

Not a single tear or a touch of physical pain is worth torturing yourself over your ex.

But only it was as simple as telling yourself that, right?

Luckily there is a way to help reduce the pain—and that is by ditching all hope.

The first step is to accept the breakup and forgive your ex for what he or she has done.

There is no skipping this part as it’s of extreme importance because it tells your mind and body that you are prepared to accept the worst.

The next thing you have to do is to delete all the pictures, birthday wishes and anything that still reminds you of your ex.

And last but not least are the actual affirmations to let go of your ex.

Affirmations to let go of your ex

Your words carry a lot of strength when you cast a magic spell on them. And we’re not referring to actual magic.

You can make your beliefs stronger by putting positive emotions to them. As long as you think positively, affirmations will for work you like a charm.

If you put hope and sadness into affirmations, on the other hand, then it won’t work.

As a matter of fact, it will only prolong your pain.

So if you increase your good mood to the point where you feel ecstatic, you can then practice various affirmations to move on from your ex.

Here are 10 affirmations to let go of your ex:

1. I am happy with myself and by myself.
2. My ex was just an addition to my life and not the main attraction.
3. People come and go. My ex was one of them.
4. I feel myself detaching and getting better and stronger every minute.
5. My ex wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t either so I’m improving myself.
6. I am well aware of my true value and what I bring to the table.
7. Another person will appreciate me for who I am. That person will be someone I appreciate in return.
8. I’m happy to focus on myself now that my ex is gone.
9. From now on, I will only pay attention to people that want me in their lives.
10. My life is improving and getting better without my ex in it. I’m truly happy to be alive.

Napoleon Hill, best known for Think and Grow Rich, recommends using positive affirmations in the following way.

He says that we should practice affirmations five minutes before bed and first thing in the morning. These are the times when our heart listens to us the most.

For maximum effect, we should verbally express our wishes throughout the day as well. The more often we do it, the better the results.

The importance of affirmations with an ex

Verbally expressing affirmations shouldn’t be neglected when you’re trying to move on. Instead of telling yourself, “I can’t let go of my ex,” practice optimistic affirmations instead.

Whenever you say “can’t, won’t, unable, never,” you are in essence affirming yourself. You’re telling yourself that you will not move on from your ex and will, therefore, hold on to him or her.

This occurs on a subliminal level. Whatever you tell your brain, it quietly listens. It doesn’t complain or give you any feedback in return.

It simply agrees with what you tell it.

Here’s an example.

You: “I can’t let go of my ex!”

Brain: “Acknowledged. Can’t let go!”

You: “I need my ex so bad! I feel so miserable!”

Brain: “Need my ex, miserable. Got it!”

Your brain is writing down what you tell it. And guess what? When you feel devastated and you tell your brain things, such as “I can’t let go of my ex,” you are putting emotions to your thoughts.

A lot of negative emotions which enhance your belief and make you feel horrible for longer.

Don’t just speak affirmations to yourself, feel them!

Affirmations to get your ex back or to move on don’t work in the way you might have imagined. Since you’re often feeling down, merely thinking about letting go of your ex won’t solve your problem. You need to feel detaching from your ex too!

First, I’d like you to do the experiment I had mentioned in the “My ex is happy and I’m miserable” article. Once you’ve “forced yourself“ to feel better, you are then ready to attempt affirmations.

If you attempt affirmations from a miserable state of mind, you are not going to convince anyone, let alone yourself.

That’s why it’s of crucial importance to practice affirmations when you are happy.

When you are happy or happier, you will feel strong and independent. That is when you will be in a receptive state to believe what you tell yourself.

The reason why you will believe yourself is no secret. It’s simply because you will feel it. And when your heart gets it, your brain will too.

So keep repeating affirmations, like it’s your personal mantra.

Please remember that there is only one way to let go of your ex. And that way is the happy way.

I reiterate. You will let go of your ex once you no longer need your ex to be happy.

So become happy in whichever way you can so that new love opportunities can come your way.

Were you able to let go of your ex or are you still working on it? Comment below and let me know!

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.