How To Respond To An Ex Who Says They Miss You?

When an ex says they miss you, your ex isn’t thinking about getting back with you and having a happy ever after with you. Most of the time, he or she is having a hard time detaching from you and forgiving himself or herself for the way he or she acted during or after the breakup.

That’s why your ex is saying all sorts of things that intend to empower him and make him stop missing the friendship aspect of the relationship. You were his partner, but also his best friend, which is why your ex is struggling to cut you out of his life completely.

Your ex wishes that there was a way to keep you in his life without actually committing to you romantically and investing in you.

You see, “I miss yous” and “I love yous” after the breakup don’t mean the same as they do in a relationship.

After the breakup, they translate into “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and the way I handled the situation. I wish I didn’t behave the way I did and that you didn’t have to get your hopes and dreams crushed. But despite my regrets, I think the breakup needed to happen and that it’s for the best.”

By telling you that he misses you, your ex intended to obtain a reassuring response from you and alleviate guilt. He wanted to know that you’re okay and that you don’t have any hard feelings for him.

If you had hard feelings, your ex would have a difficult time forgiving himself and would need to find a different way to obtain forgiveness and move on from the past.

Keep this in mind so that you don’t mistake your ex’s emotional comment for him or her having romantic feelings for you and wanting you back.

Sometimes a guilt-ridden ex would say he misses you, but other times, she would cry and post heartbreak quotes on social media and talk to your friends and family about it. Every person deals with guilt and nostalgia differently.

But whatever you do, don’t get confused by an ex who says they miss you.

The “I miss you” from an ex can be very hope-instilling and harmful to you as it can make you feel valuable and desirable—and because of that, increase your anxiety and delay your recovery.

And that’s something you don’t want. What you want is to avoid false hope and setbacks and heal as quickly and painlessly as possible. You won’t be able to do that if your ex keeps professing love for you.

So if your ex told you that he or she misses you, don’t take your ex’s words literally. Your ex may have meant that romantically during the relationship but now that you’re broken up, your ex said it for different reasons.

For reasons that have nothing to do with your romantic worth, but everything with your ex’s concerns, conscience, and losing a confidant.

The topic of today’s post is how to respond to an ex who says they miss you.

Why did my ex say they miss me?

An “I miss you” from an ex can be considered a breadcrumb – an unimportant message as it indicates that your ex is negatively affected by the breakup and that he or she has been pondering about you.

Your ex has been evaluating his breakup actions and contemplating whether you’re handling the breakup well and moving on.

In other words, your ex is curious about you. But he’s not curious and emotional enough to have romantic feelings for you and want you back before someone else takes his place.

You need to understand that if your ex wanted you back that your ex would have expressed that to you already. Your ex would have said that he wants you back and that he’s sorry for taking you for granted. A regretful ex wouldn’t just say he misses you and let you do the rest of the work.

That’s not what dumpers do when they truly miss you and want you back. When they’re serious about you, they prove what you mean to them through actions.

Actions are the only gestures that show interest whereas words only express sympathy and hurt feelings.

That’s why an “I miss you” on its own, sadly, doesn’t mean much. It’s a non-romantic gesture that shows your ex misses you as a person, but not as a lover.

All in all, there are many reasons why an ex would say they miss you after the breakup. You can find those reasons in the infographic below.

Of course, some dumpers also say they miss you when they rebound with someone they aren’t compatible with. But they do that only because they’re in pain and want you back to patch their wounds.

How do you know if your ex truly misses you?

There’s a big difference between missing a person as a friend and missing him as a romantic partner.

The first kind of missing means that you’re used to having this person in your life and that you’d prefer to stay in touch with him. If you don’t stay in touch, you’ll miss the connection and fun times you had or could have with him, but you won’t suffer from anxiety and feel that you’ve lost an irreplaceable person. At least not for long.

If you miss someone romantically, however, you’ll suffer immensely. You’ll feel that you’re not just losing a connection, but also a person you had plans and hopes for.

Separation anxiety will make you obsessed with your ex as your body will go through hormonal withdrawal and react as if you were suffering from heroin addiction.

You’ll feel that not being with the person you love is detrimental to your health and that the only way to make the pain stop is to reconnect with your ex.

I’m not saying that pain is the only way to differentiate love from friendship, but pain is usually a good indicator as it shows that you’re attached to someone and that separating from him or her would be a big emotional inconvenience for you.

Many dumpers say they miss their ex, but very few actually mean what they say. Most just feel bad for putting their ex through hell, so they try to make their ex (and themselves) feel better by saying some strong words. Little do they know that telling their ex “I miss you” tends to have the opposite effect on their ex.

Instead of helping their ex detach, “I miss yous, I love yous, and I’m thinking about yous” make their ex believe that the dumper is finally coming back around and that there may be hope for reconciliation after all.

And hope, unfortunately, isn’t good. It’s one of the worst things the dumpee can have after the breakup as it makes him feel so good that he becomes attached to the outcome.

So how do you know that your ex truly misses you and loves you? How do you know he or she isn’t just playing with your feelings?

You pay attention to the actions that follow his/her words. A man or woman who misses you romantically will take the initiative and make plans to see you.

He or she will prove time after time that you’re valuable and that losing you is something he or she cannot afford.

How to respond to an ex who says they miss you?

Now that you know that an ex may not mean what he says, you should try to figure out whether your ex is serious about you.

Instead of jumping into your ex’s arms and telling your ex how happy you are that he came back, respond in a way that doesn’t empower your ex.

You can do that simply by telling your ex you’re surprised to hear from him and that you hope he’s doing well.

You needn’t reciprocate your ex’s feelings with a matching response because your ex doesn’t need nor deserve to know how you feel about him.

All your ex should know is that you’re doing fine and that you’re not spending every waking moment worrying about him. That will make your ex intrigued by you and possibly, increase his love and respect for you.

So don’t immediately say “I miss you too.” It’s better if you don’t give your ex words of affirmation unless he earns them and deserves them. And you can be certain your ex doesn’t deserve them when he tells you that he loves you or misses you out of the blue weeks or months after the breakup.

The only time you should reciprocate your ex’s feelings is when your ex makes it crystal clear that he wants you back and that he hopes that you feel the same way about him.

That’s when you can say that you missed him too, but that you’re taking him back on a trial period and that you want him to improve certain things about himself.

If you say “I miss you” too early, you could empower, smother, or scare your ex and give your ex what he wants without getting anything other than false hope in return.

So be careful not to fall for your ex’s breadcrumb. You’ll likely feel used and discarded if you do.

5 examples of how to respond to an ex who says they miss you

You can respond to your ex’s “I miss you” in any way you want. Just don’t get your hopes up too much and think it’s time to invite your ex out to get back with him.

It has to be your ex who does the heavy lifting. He was the one who left, so he has to be the one to apologize and come back.

Until that happens, respond to your ex’s “I miss yous” in a way that makes you strong and in control of your feelings. You don’t want your ex to hurt you when your guard is down and you’re the most vulnerable. You want him to get serious about you or stay out of your way and let you heal.

It’s that black and white.

Don’t think that your ex is slowly on his way back to you and that you need to guide your ex. This is a mistake many dumpees make.

They’re afraid of standing up for themselves, so they appear desperate and highly receptive and make their ex even less interested and eager to come back.

You need to understand that your ex can find his way back to you on his own. He doesn’t need you to exchange “I love yous and miss yous” to discover your worth and fall back in love with you.

Ex-couples already know each other intimately. They’re familiar with who they are and what to expect, which is why they need to find reasons to be with each other in each other’s absence, not presence.

This is true even if you messed up with your ex big time. You just don’t convince your ex that you’ve changed or that you’re capable of changing. What’s done is done and you need to accept the outcome.

So if you’re still wondering how to respond to an ex who says they miss you, here are five ways you can do that.

1. Hey, it’s been a while. What’s up?
2. I was thinking about you the other day. What made you reach out?
3. Hi. What made you say that?
4. Hi, it’s okay to miss an ex, but the breakup needed to happen.
5. Hey, what exactly do you miss?

Know your worth and don’t settle for less than you deserve

If your ex doesn’t want you back and keeps bugging you with confusing texts and calls, you need to be brave and put an end to your ex’s breadcrumbing. You need to tell your ex to stop reaching out to you because you need time to yourself.

If your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex will understand that you’re trying to move on and leave you alone. But if your ex is hurting and wants you back, your ex won’t let go of the opportunity to be with you. He’ll refuse to let you go because letting go would give him more pain than if he were to risk getting rejected.

So don’t be afraid to ask for space after the breakup. Space is good as it puts your ex’s intentions to the test and allows you to take control of your life.

Many if not most dumpees don’t ask for space right away. They initially hope that their ex still feels something for them and that he or she will come back to them.

But after some time (a few months later usually), they detach and get tired of hearing hope-instilling things from their ex. That’s why they tell their ex to stop messaging them and sometimes even block their ex.

It’s up to you if you want your ex to remain in your life. Just make sure you know how to respond to an ex who says they miss you so that you can avoid feeling hopeful and hung up on your ex longer than necessary.

How do you think you should respond to an ex who says they miss you? Are you afraid your ex will move on if you don’t give your ex an “I miss you too” response? As always, post your opinions below the post.

And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 personal guidance regarding your relationship or breakup, have a look at our coaching options here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.