How To Respond To An Ex Asking How You Are?

When an ex asks how you are, the last thing you want is to show that you’re sad, desperate, and obsessed. Misery isn’t going to impress your ex, nor make your ex come running back to you.

All it’ll do is tell your ex that he or she is causing you a lot of pain and that he or she needs to stop feeling guilty and get some space.

You may think that your ex will stay by your side when you’re going through the most excruciating pain of your life, but that is highly unlikely because your ex is no longer your boyfriend or girlfriend. He or she is your ex, which means that instinctually, your ex craves space and a break from guilt. Your ex needs alone time and doesn’t want any reminders that he or she has hurt you and failed to make your moving on easier.

This is because dumpers absolutely despise being told or shown that they’re at fault. They hate being reminded of the past and feeling guilty because in their minds, they’re the victims. They gave up, so imagine how disappointed they must feel when someone they’ve been meaning to break up with for weeks makes it hard for them to enjoy their new lives.

I can tell you that their struggling ex makes them feel a lot of guilt, maybe even shame—and that they want to run away from such heavy emotions as fast as their legs would carry them.

That’s why as a dumpee who wants his or her ex back, you mustn’t give your ex the impression that you’re barely holding on. Instead, you must show your ex that you’re doing just fine and attract him or her with positivity and confidence—and not with sadness, depression, or guilt.

In this post, we’ll learn how to respond to an ex asking how you are. We’ll also talk about how to preserve your worth, what mistakes to avoid, how to get your power back, and how to increase your chances of reconciliation.

How to respond to an ex asking how you are?

The best way to respond to an ex asking how you are is to respond with the same emotional intensity as your ex. For example, if your ex calls you and nonchalantly asks how you are, reply the same way you would reply if a stranger at the bus stop asked you this question.

Simply say that you’ve been well and busy—and make sure that your tone matches your ex’s.

Don’t suddenly get excited or pretend that you’re happy to be single. If you aren’t happy, you don’t need to do that. You’ll be lying to yourself, feel strange, and appear out of character.

I’m telling you this because I’ve made this mistake. I wanted to show my ex I was doing great (and I was), but because I felt rejected and wanted to leave a good impression, I ended up sounding way too excited.

I sounded so fake to myself that I thought to myself, “Really? Why did I make it seem like everything was fine between us? Why did I make it look like we’re best friends?” The truth is that we weren’t friends. There was no animosity between us but there definitely wasn’t any friendship either.

We hadn’t spoken for months prior to this conversation, so there was no need for me to sound so elated.

I’d made this rookie mistake because I felt a rush of adrenaline and just went with the flow. But now that I think back, I know I could have handled it way better. So much better in fact that I’d mimic her monotone demeanor and keep my emotions to myself.

I didn’t need to share my excitement with a person who wasn’t excited to share hers with me.

I’ve learned that coming on too enthusiastically overwhelms the dumper and tells him or her that you’re okay with his or her choices and behavior.

Although you shouldn’t condemn your ex and oppose your ex’s choices, you shouldn’t promote them and pretend you don’t mind them either. You shouldn’t give your ex the idea that what he or she did was acceptable and fine with you. Especially not if your ex treated you unfairly during and after the breakup.

So if you’re wondering how to respond to an ex asking how you are, respond politely and concisely. Respond in a way that is true to your personality and with an attitude that depicts positivity, confidence, high self-esteem, goals, and independence.

Why is your ex asking you how you are all of a sudden?

Dumpers often reach out after the breakup and ask their dumpee how he or she is. They want to know what emotional state their ex is in and what their ex thinks of them.

But sometimes, they have different plans in mind. Sometimes they think it’s polite to ask “how are you” before they start talking about other subjects. Subjects like what to do with shared furniture and who gets to keep the dog.

The “how are you” for such dumpers merely serves as a means of getting on their ex’s good side before they talk about more important matters.

So if your ex asked you how you are and proceeded by talking about unfinished business, keep in mind that your well-being isn’t your ex’s biggest concern. Your ex probably cares about you as a person, but he or she most likely wanted to discuss something else. Something much more important to him/her.

Another possible explanation why your ex asked how you’re doing is that your ex got curious about you. He or she saw that you’re focusing on yourself and wanted to say hello to you to find out more about your new life. The easiest way to do that was to break the ice by asking some generic questions like, “How are you, what have you been up to, how’s the dog?”

Your ex could have a hidden agenda or your ex could genuinely be concerned about you. You’ll see what your ex’s objective is when you see what he or she does after the “how are you.”

If your ex apologizes, your ex probably feels bad and wants your forgiveness. If your ex reaches out and gets in an argument with you, your ex probably needs something from you. And if your ex reaches out and offers help, he or she may want to support you and help you feel better.

Watch your ex’s words and actions and you’ll know what your ex is up to.

The following picture explains why your ex asked you how you are.

What to say when your ex asks how you are?

If you want to know the exact thing to say to an ex who’s concerned about your well-being, you can use one of my suggested replies. But feel free to modify them a bit if they don’t sound like you.

Here are 4 ways you can reply to an ex asking how you are:

1. I’m okay. I’ve been very busy with work recently. What about you? This is a very concise reply. It shows you’re busy with something other than the breakup and that you have no expectations of your ex. It’s also very polite as it asks your ex how he or she is.
2. Hey. I’m pretty good. I’m hanging out with my friends right now. Is it okay if we chat later? You can use this reply if you’re busy and want to talk to your ex later. As a reminder, bear in mind that you needn’t display unavailability on purpose. I used to think being unavailable is very important, but the truth is that it’s not. If your ex wants you back, your ex will want you back whether you reply in 10 minutes or the next day. Delaying replies is unnecessary and a tiny bit manipulative. 🤏
3. Pretty good. I wish I didn’t have so many things to do, but that’s life. This is an indirect way of saying you’re being a responsible person and moving on. It’s what your ex needs to hear. Especially if he or she feels guilty for dumping you and wants to make sure you’ve accepted the breakup and moved on. Many dumpers reach out just to assuage their guilt. If this is your ex’s intent, he or she will disappear soon after you’ve replied.
4. I’m good, thanks! I hope you’re well too! This is the response I suggest to dumpees who receive breadcrumbs from their ex. I also suggest it to those who have been hurt by their ex and to those who want to move on. That’s because this response doesn’t show much care or interest in continuing the conversation. It shows disinterest which proves that you’re not going to talk to your ex for a reason that doesn’t help you in any way.

If you’re wondering why all these replies are so short and uncaring (or rather passive), you need to understand that there’s no need to talk to your ex if you’re not over your ex and ready to talk. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Heck, don’t make the same mistake most people reading this are going to make.

Talking to your ex won’t make your ex miss you. It won’t make him or her indulge in sentimental memories and realize your worth either. All talking to your ex will do is relieve your ex’s guilt and increase your anxiety and cravings for a connection with your ex.

So don’t make the breakup harder on yourself than it already is and keep in mind that your ex will miss you and think about you way more if you leave your ex to his or her own devices and enjoy your life as much as you possibly can.

It’s your happiness, independence, and personal success that can pique your ex’s interest—and not meaningless conversations.

So once more, don’t brag about your new life and look for opportunities to impress your ex. You won’t find any because you won’t be able to impress your ex until he or she is ready to be impressed.

Remember that so that you don’t get too hopeful when your ex reaches out and starts asking about your well-being.

Is it ok to ask how your ex is doing?

It’s okay to ask your ex how he or she is doing, but bear in mind that talking about these things won’t help you get over your ex. It won’t help your ex see what a nice person you are either because your ex already knows who you are.

His or her image of you is fully formed and unlikely to change this easily. So give up on being the most fun and polite interlocutor your ex can have. You won’t be that person until your ex’s opinion of you changes for the better.

If you still think you should ask your ex questions, look at it this way. How would knowing that your ex is having the time of his or her life help you? Would it make you feel important or give you an advantage in getting back with your ex?

Something tells me it wouldn’t. And if it wouldn’t, you may as well avoid asking questions that hurt you and mess up your healing. It’s much better to know as little as possible about your ex.

Especially if your ex cheated on you and/or is dating someone else already.

In that case, you may want to avoid asking questions altogether and stay away from your ex.

Tips for responding to an ex who asks you how you are

Even though replying to your ex won’t make a big difference when it comes to your ex’s lost feelings, bear in mind that replying is a must. You can’t gain your ex’s respect (or love later down the line) if you ignore him or her, act cold, hurt, vengeful, angry, or treat your ex in a way that you wouldn’t want your ex to treat you.

When it comes to responding to an ex who asks you how you are, you need to aim for a healthy balance between respecting your ex and respecting yourself. By balancing out the post-breakup dynamics, you’ll show your ex that you’re a nice person, but not so nice that you’ll let your ex use you and string you along.

Respect is earned by respecting yourself and love by possessing something your ex desires.

So if you want to know how to respond to an ex asking how you are, follow these 5 simple tips.

Every time your ex asks questions (even questions like how are you), your ex triggers your unprocessed anxiety, increases your hopes for reconciliation, and forces you to think about him or her. Your ex sets you back big time.

So make sure not to discuss things that could keep you awake at night.

How to make a good impression on an ex?

If you want to impress your ex when the time is right (when your ex becomes receptive to you), do it by portraying high confidence. Instead of replying to your ex and talking to him or her like a friend for hours, ask for space and prove that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

This alone may not be enough to bring your ex back, but it will be enough to tell your ex that you respect yourself a lot more than your ex may think.

Your ex secretly wants to know that you value yourself more than any other man or woman and that he or she has lost you. Losing you essentially makes you into a person your ex can’t have whereas constant communication makes you into a backup plan.

And backup plans just aren’t that attractive. They’re something people fall back on after they’ve tried every other option.

So strive for happiness and self-sufficiency and your chances of reconciliation will be as high as they can be.

Did you learn how to respond to an ex asking how you are? Is there anything you’re not sure about? Ask your questions below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.