No contact can be a daunting and uncertain experience because it leaves you unsure of what the other person is thinking or feeling. You don’t know if the other person is talking about you, missing you, and having difficulty focusing like you. All you know is that your ex needs time and that the more time you give your ex, the more your ex will process the breakup and reconnect with him/herself.
No contact is not a magic cure to get your ex back. It’s a cure to get yourselves back after you invested in each other for months or years and mixed/lost your identities. No contact can teach you to live without each other and show your ex that you’ve got priorities and purpose outside of the relationship.
This on its own won’t bring your ex back, but it will prevent your ex from thinking negatively (or more negatively) about you. In other words, it will preserve your value as an ex and allow your ex to live on his or her terms. If your ex doesn’t like how life goes and feels, your ex could have an epiphany and want you back to re-obtain what he or she lost by dumping you.
Just keep in mind that something major would have to go wrong for your ex. Something or someone would have to hurt your ex deeply and trigger a powerful emotional response. Unwanted emotions could cause your ex to reflect deeply on his or her actions and convince your ex that he or she has made a poor/impulsive decision.
Before your ex becomes nostalgic and regretful though, you’ll probably have to leave your ex alone for a while. It could take months, years, or even decades for your ex to fully process everything, face challenges, and reflect on the better times. It’s impossible to predict when or if your ex will run out of options and realize that his or her life was better when he or she was with you.
And that’s what makes no contact so difficult. You generally don’t see your ex’s failures, pain, and regret coming. You see it when your ex decides to reach out and ask for another chance. Most dumpers don’t come back slowly. Due to pain and fear of losing a safety net, they come running back at lightning speed, hoping to secure a place in the relationship before someone else captures their ex’s heart.
Dumpers know that they have a limited time to get their ex back. They’re aware of the fact that their ex may not take them back if they take their sweet time. Despite that, they keep their distance until they’re certain they love their ex. Only insecure exes and those who want friendship or various relationship perks hoover around their ex.
Such dumpers must be warned that it’s too soon to talk and that they should respect the dumpee’s need for space.
Anyway, it will take some time to go through the whole no-contact experience. At first, you’ll likely question no contact and feel tempted to break it. Separation anxiety, fear, and uncertainty will tempt you to check up on your ex online and in person. You’ll want to do obsessive things just to obtain some information about your ex.
Information will empower you as it will give you hope. That is unless you discover something you don’t like. Then it will disempower you and give you tons of anxiety and pain. If you want to heal as fast as possible, you must stick with the rules of no contact. This includes no stalking your ex’s social media profiles.
Every time you check up on your ex directly or indirectly, you become a little more obsessed with your ex – even if you don’t learn anything new. That’s because you form a pattern of relying on your ex for feelings of sadness, anxiety, confusion, uncertainty, and loss of direction and hope.
So try not to see your ex as a source of empowerment. See your ex as someone who will keep you obsessed for ages and for the wrong reasons. Always remember that knowing what your ex is up to won’t aid you in getting back with your ex. It will actually make it harder because you’ll stay anxious and make breakup mistakes during no contact or after.
Speaking about no contact, it’s meant to last until your ex reaches out and wants you back, not just for 30, 45, or 60 days—as often suggested. The duration of no contact can’t be determined in advance as no one—not you, me, or anyone else knows how much time your ex will need to think and feel differently.
It might take your ex days or years to abandon unhealthy beliefs, perceptions, and attitudes. While you’re waiting for your ex to break the current thinking patterns, work on letting go of your ex and going through the no-contact challenges.
No contact is likely to bring its fair share of unpleasant surprises. There will be times when you feel abandoned and worthless and doubt its effectiveness. You’ll worry that no contact isn’t affecting your ex how you want it to and that you should reason with your ex instead.
When you feel anxious and desperate for recognition, try not to act on your feelings. Remind yourself that no contact is your best bet as it’s the only technique that will help you detach from your ex and find joy in life.
Breaking no contact is dangerous and is not an option. Not only will communication with your ex get your hopes up and get you rejected, but it will also push your ex further away. When your ex sees that you need him or her way more than your ex needs you, your ex will get scared and lose remaining interest and/or respect.
In this post, we cover ways to approach the no-contact rule with confidence and strength.
How to get through no contact?
When you start no contact, remember that no contact is a journey, not a race. It’s a long process that requires immense dedication and willpower. You’ll need to learn how to navigate its challenges so that you don’t give up on it whenever you become emotional and doubtful.
You’ll have to persevere and listen to your logic rather than emotions.
One way to get through no contact is to get closure (learn why your ex broke up with you). You can learn this not by contacting your ex but by reflecting on your ex’s breakup and post-breakup words and actions. Think about your ex’s behavior and treatment. If your ex treated you badly, your ex probably felt angry due to the stress he or she associated with you.
Your ex may have developed a victim mentality and as a result, now blames you for everything. This is very common. It happens when dumpers focus on the things that aren’t working, meet someone else, and want to exit the relationship. Such matters cause them to appear very impatient, irritated, angry, and bitter.
You can avoid seeing your ex’s bad side and blaming yourself for your ex’s stress and unhappiness by reminding yourself that most dumpers feel pressured and annoyed. They consider themselves victims, so they look very detached and relieved. They want nothing more than to distance themselves from their ex and enjoy their newfound space and happiness.
They don’t act that way because you weren’t a good partner but because they focused on your worst traits and felt trapped. The breakup freed them of their misery and showed them they could be happy on their own or with someone else.
I know you’re struggling with no contact as most dumpees are. To make things less stressful, I encourage you to find someone to vent about your problems and feelings. This can be a friend, family member, or a therapist. It would be very helpful if you could find someone who understands and cares about you, preferably someone who went or better yet, is going through a similar experience.
If you can both talk about your breakup problems, you’ll feel understood as you’ll both share your breakup challenges and concerns. You can join our Discord community if you want to chat with a dumpee committed to no contact. Dumpees who made it through no contact may share some of their tips with you.
As for dumpees who are in the process of recovering, they’ll make you feel less alone.
If talking to other dumpees isn’t your thing, consider talking to a mental health expert. He or she might give professional advice and/or prescribe you medication. Antidepressants might help ease your anxiety and make you feel more productive.
As always, the hardest part of a change is the beginning. Once you get through the first or second week of no contact, you’ll feel much better. Especially if you initiate no contact soon after the breakup. If you start it right away, you’ll begin your healing process and feel better a couple of weeks into no contact.
I’m not saying you can expect to get over your ex within weeks, but you should be able to think clearer and depend less on your ex. Even though you may not notice it right away, each day without interaction with your ex helps to heal your emotional wounds. It shows you that you’re attached to the person your ex was when the relationship was at its peak and the person you want your ex to be.
When you learn that you’re holding on to your ex for the wrong reasons and that you can and will find love again, you’ll have an easier time letting go of your ex and loving yourself. You won’t see your ex as your savior but rather as the person who put you in the place you’re in.
I encourage you to work on changing your perception of your ex. Take a pen and paper and write down your ex’s bad behaviors and traits. Read them often to remind yourself that the current version of your ex exists only in your head. In reality, your ex is a completely different person.
He or she is someone who left you with no choice but to detach, self-prioritize, and self-improve.
Remember that your ex can’t help you unless he or she takes you back and that until that happens, your goal is to gain clarity, heal, and improve your confidence and self-esteem. You may have started no contact to reconnect with your ex, but that won’t remain your priority forever.
When you recover emotionally, you’ll probably get tired of waiting for your ex and forget about your ex altogether. You’ll discover better people and things to focus your brainpower on.
I can’t tell you when that will be, but it will likely take months. It depends on your ability to keep your emotions under control and what you do to keep yourself busy. If you lie in bed and look at your phone all day in anticipation of receiving texts and calls from your ex, you’ll need longer to heal than someone with an active social life who works on himself diligently.
Keep in mind you can do a lot to speed up your recovery. You can surround yourself with helpful empathetic people who give positive and realistic advice. A healthy social life will reduce the time you spend obsessing over your ex and analyzing your chances of getting back together.
Journaling will also help. It will show you that you can deal with difficult breakup emotions effectively if you choose to do so. Journal whenever you feel rejected, hurt, hopeful, or hopeless. It will help you express yourself and blame yourself less.
Don’t forget to exercise frequently. Regular exercise is an essential part of the letting go process as it will release happy hormones into your brain and help you sleep.
So take a proactive approach in your breakup. Get the most out of it by engaging in hobbies and activities that interest you and give your life purpose. Right now, you likely don’t feel excited about most things. You feel as if your life has no purpose and that you won’t be happy without your ex.
Although you feel that way, it isn’t true. You can and will be happy again. But to be happy, you’ll need to learn how to get through no contact. You’ll need to learn that healing takes time and be prepared to face numerous ups and downs along the way. Consider the setbacks a part of regaining your strength, purpose, and identity.
Soon, you’ll see that you don’t miss your ex as much as you did and that life improves with time.
With that said, here are my tips on how to get through no contact.
Think of no contact as a means to heal
No contact’s main purpose is to help you heal and improve your self-love. It’s not meant to impress your ex and get another chance with your ex. That may be your intention (and may actually happen, although indirectly), but you shouldn’t keep your hopes up.
If you do no contact just to reconnect with your ex, you could stay dependent on your ex and waste a lot of your time. You could keep waiting for your ex to reach out and say no to better romantic opportunities.
By all means, rely on no contact at first (for a few months or while you’re hurt). But when you do no contact for a while and get through the storm, try to accept the possibility that your ex might not come back.
If you do that, no contact will get significantly easier as you won’t love your ex more than yourself. You’ll see that there’s more to life than an ex who left and showed no interest in getting back together.
At some point, no contact will start to feel really good. It will feel liberating as you’ll feel safer and happier in no contact than out of it. This is especially true if your ex communicates with you and gives you false hope. In that case, no contact will become your haven, a place you won’t want to leave.
You might consider leaving it when you’re fully over your ex and don’t feel scared to learn that your ex has moved on.
So even though you’re following the rules of no contact to give your ex space and reconnect romantically, remember that you should heal before you get back with your ex. If you get back with your ex when you’re still highly emotional, you’ll overwhelm your ex with needs and expectations and ruin the development of the relationship.
You need to recover emotionally before you consider having any kind of contact with your ex. Whether it’s a relationship or friendship, you need to be okay on your own before you bring your ex or another romantic partner into your life.
Follow the advice in this article and you’ll see that no contact always works in terms of healing and enjoying your life.
Did you learn how to get through no contact? How do you intend to get through it? Share your breakup experiences and lessons below the post. We’ll get back to you shortly.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
