How To Act When You See Your Ex?

Many dumpees wonder how to act when they see their ex. They want to know if they should greet their ex, ask their ex questions, invite their ex out, and appear super excited to see their ex.

If you’re one of those dumpees, the best way to act when you see your ex is to be your usual self. Act how you would act if you saw a person you forgot about and hadn’t seen in years.

You probably wouldn’t be overly excited to see that person, would you? You’d probably have to get to feel that person out, see how he or she thinks, and if everything seems okay, initiate various topics.

It’s not any different with your ex. When you run into your ex, you need to keep your composure and remember that the past is the past. Your ex doesn’t want to be reminded of everything you went through as a couple and answer questions about the relationship or the breakup.

Your ex just wants to catch up by talking about surface-level topics. Surface-level means that your ex doesn’t want to go into depth about his/her new life – especially about things that don’t concern you as an ex.

You must make sure to converse strictly about things your ex is comfortable with. And the things your ex is comfortable with depend on your ex. You’ll discover what those things are when you read your ex’s receptiveness, behavior, and attitude.

I can’t tell you to talk only about some specific topic because some dumpers are more open than others. But in general, most dumpees dread breakup topics and topics about their new romantic life.

They would rather not discuss such matters as it infringes their privacy, pressures them, and makes them even less eager to open up.

So even though you’re curious about your ex, know that asking certain questions may not be the right thing to do. There’s a place and time to delve deeply into your ex’s life. And that time is not the first time you see your ex.

Not unless your ex is an open book who shares every detail of his or her life.

In that case, you can probably ask and say anything you want. Just keep in mind that the answers you receive will likely hurt you and make you regret asking them. I suppose this depends on whether you’ve processed the breakup and got over your ex already.

If you’re still recovering from the post-breakup blues, knowing what your ex has been up to is a bad thing as it will likely give you anxiety. That’s why you need to be careful about the things you learn about your ex. If possible, learn only things that don’t make you anxious and force you to analyze your ex’s life like a crazy person.

There’s a lot more to discuss when it comes to your behavior when you see your ex. Let’s talk about it in more detail.

How to act when you see your ex?

Whether you run into your ex or agree to meet up with your ex, you should keep in mind that your ex most likely doesn’t want you back. Your ex probably just misses the friendship aspect of the relationship and doesn’t want to lose you completely.

It’s possible that your ex still feels a bit connected to you and would rather stay in touch with you to process guilt than cut you off completely.

By bearing that in mind, you should act in ways that show you’ve accepted the breakup and no longer love your ex. This is important so that you don’t overwhelm/guilt trip your ex and cause your ex to say or do something that rejects you and injures you.

An appropriate way to act when you see your ex would be to take it easy at first. Learn if your ex even likes you as a person and wants to speak with you. If your ex is looking in a different direction or looked at you and averted his or her eyes, it’s obvious that your ex doesn’t want to engage in conversation and wants to be left alone.

Your ex probably feels uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to act around someone he or she has dumped and feels uncomfortable around.

But if your ex looks at you, waves, smiles, or does anything welcoming, it should be safe for you to reciprocate your ex’s actions and have a quick conversation with your ex. A quick conversation is a conversation that lasts a few minutes from start to finish and avoids making plans with your ex.

The purpose of that conversation should be to show you’re:

• over the breakup (not missing your ex)
• happy with your life
• staying busy
• and ready for new romantic opportunities

If you show your ex that you’re doing well and enjoying your life, your ex will see that you’re focusing on the present rather than the past. That will make it easier for your ex to relax around you and engage in meaningless conversation.

Of course, your goal shouldn’t be to make your ex want to talk to you because that would string you along, but you should try to make your ex see that it’s safe to communicate with you if something important happens.

So bear in mind that the best way to act when you see your ex is to show you’re thriving and have no expectations of your ex. That won’t make your ex come running, but it will make your ex respect you and perhaps even think about being with you if something goes horribly wrong.

The key to making a good impression on your ex is to appear confident, strong, secure, and in control of your emotions and life. High self-esteem could show your ex that you’re not thinking about your ex obsessively and that you’re a valuable person.

With that said, here’s how to act when you see your ex.

If you end up talking to your ex, don’t talk with your ex longer than necessary. The more things you talk about, the bigger the chance that you’ll hear something you’re not ready to hear. Something like your ex dating someone else and getting serious with him or her.

You should try to avoid obtaining undesirable information by talking only about superficial matters.

Ask your ex things like:

• What are you doing here?
• How have you been?
• Are your parents doing okay??
• How’s work/school?
• What are your plans after college?

You can tell your ex you’ve been busy and looking forward to achieving your goals, but don’t ask things like:

• Are you glad we broke up?
• What’s your favorite memory of us
• Do you miss me?
• Did you ever even love me?
• Do you regret hurting me?
• Is your new partner better than me?

It may seem obvious not to ask these questions, but some dumpees are so anxious that they ask them anyway. Such dumpees guilt-trip your ex and put their ex in a tight spot. By doing so, they make their ex feel uncomfortable and complicate things for themselves as well as their ex.

That’s why I can tell you that you and your ex will both be happier if you avoid bringing up the past.

Your ex will be happier because your ex won’t feel smothered and you’ll be happier because you’ll avoid bringing a bad reaction out of your ex and getting hurt as a result.

Be calm and positive, but not too friendly

If you want to portray yourself in just the right kind of way, you’ll need to find a balance between being polite and respecting yourself. You’ll have to show interest in your ex, but also exude confidence and high self-esteem.

This might not be the easiest thing to do if you have feelings for your ex and want your ex back, but you need to give it a try anyway. You need to converse without expectation and respect the breakup boundaries.

If you instantly drop what you’re doing and focus completely on your ex, you’ll probably appear too available, forgiving, and powerless.

You won’t exhibit strength because you’ll give your ex more attention than he or she deserves.

But on the other hand, if you appear cold, disinterested, sarcastic, mean, or resentful, you’ll show you’re not over your ex or what your ex has done to you, which will instantly create a bad atmosphere and repel your ex.

So don’t treat your ex as a friend or a complete stranger. Treat your ex as an ex, which is someone you need to keep your distance from.

By intentionally acting as less than a friend and more than a stranger, you’ll show you understand your relationship has changed and that you need to respect your ex’s decision and take care of your emotional well-being.

Let your ex talk to you first

You always want your ex to initiate the conversation first. You want your ex to lower his or her pride because the person who initiates shows interest in conversing and gives the other person power.

As a dumpee, you could use some of the power your ex forcefully took from you by breaking up with you. You could use it to boost your self-esteem and stop blaming yourself for the breakup.

If you naively walk up to your ex and talk to your ex of your own accord, you could put your ex under immense pressure and receive an unwanted response from your ex. One that harms your perception of yourself and the work you’ve done on yourself.

So don’t act like you’ve been dying to talk to your ex since the breakup.

It’s okay to want to talk to your ex, but you don’t want your ex to know that. Your ex needs to let go of power and ego rather than feel desired and gain more control over your life.

This is why no contact is so important after the breakup. It allows your ex to come to you when he or she is ready to talk, be friends, or want you back.

While the dumper is indirectly looking for reasons to communicate, the dumpee needs to focus on healing and moving on. That’s the only way the dumper can respect the dumpee and talk on equal terms again.

So if you’re wondering how to act when you see your ex, try to let your ex take the initiative with you. Let your ex greet you and start a conversation because that way, you’ll know your ex is ready to chat and perhaps even be friends.

If you aren’t ready to chat or be friends, though, make sure to let your ex know that. Tell your ex you’d like to be friends one day but that you aren’t ready for friendship just yet and that you need more time to focus on yourself.

Your ex should understand where you’re coming from and allow you to focus on yourself.

My only advice is not to be afraid of telling your ex you’re not ready to talk. You’re not a bad person for standing up for yourself and expressing that. You’re a person who knows his or her worth and is strong enough to do what is necessary.

Focus on other people

If you’re around friends, family, or your new partner, you should focus on them rather than your ex. They are there for you and the ones who matter, so you should talk to them 99% of the time. The only time you should talk to your ex is when it’s polite to do so.

And it’s polite to do so when your ex is speaking with you or when you’re certain your ex wants to have a quick chat.

That’s when you can talk to your ex for a few minutes about all the unimportant things you can think of.

You have to remember that talking with your ex about important matters (especially shortly after the breakup) is counterproductive as it hinders everything you’ve been able to accomplish since the breakup.

It disrupts your healing, confuses you, destroys your growth, makes you crave your ex, and increases your hope for reconciliation.

So don’t abandon the people that are with you/around you. Instead, use them as an excuse to gracefully exit the conversation and go back to focusing on them.

Did you learn how to act when you see your ex? Do you have any tips for readers in similar situations or questions for us? Post them below.

And if you prefer to privately talk about how to act around your ex, click here to learn about our private coaching programs.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.