How Long Should I Wait For My Ex To Come Back?

“How long should I wait for my ex to come back” is a frequently asked question. It’s something many dumpees ask despite having very little control over the time it will take them to stop waiting for their ex.

Most dumpees are too emotionally hooked on their ex and scared to let go of post-breakup hope. That’s why they hold on to their ex for as long as their anxious brain forces them to.

For some people, it’s a few weeks or months and for others, a year, 2, or ever 3. I’ve seen dumpees that haven’t gotten over their ex even after 5 years and dumpees that stayed friends with their ex and continued to have some cravings for their ex for 20 years.

Every dumpee processes the breakup differently. But the time it takes the dumpee to let go of the dumper depends strongly on his or her emotional health, self-esteem, support system, coping mechanism, post-breakup mistakes, the length of the relationship, and the things going on in the dumpee’s life.

Generally speaking, the busier, healthier, and emotionally strong the dumpee is, the sooner he or she stops waiting for the dumpee to come back. This is because the dumpee has plenty of other things to look forward to and knows that everything will be alright with or without the dumper in his or her life.

With healthy thinking and a diverse lifestyle, most people eventually get over their ex. They stop analyzing, crying, kicking, and screaming and just let the universe take care of them. Once they make some emotional progress, they see that staying hung up on their ex is a huge waste of time, so they start repeating mantras like, “If it’s meant to be, it will be, but if not, I’ll be alright!”

That’s when they transition into the last stage of a breakup and process the breakup.

And that’s where you want to be, too. When you understand that breakups happen for a reason and that there wasn’t much you could have done to avoid yours, you’ll also understand that you’ve wasted a lot of time thinking about your ex and waiting for your ex to come back.

Of course, you won’t completely waste your time because thinking about your ex will help you cope with anxiety, but you will spend a lot of time thinking about someone who doesn’t deserve to live in your head rent-free.

So if you haven’t started letting go of your ex, yet, start doing that today. It will be difficult at first, but if you take your breakup seriously, rest assured that you won’t hold on to your ex forever. You’ll soon get your ex out of the system and stop emotionally depending on your ex for happiness and self-love. You’ll simply have better things to do and people such as your friends and family to spend time with.

And that’s what you’ll do. You’ll distract yourself with things that are good for you, and as a result, think about your ex and crave your ex less every day. If you stay away from your ex, you’ll eventually detach completely. And that’s when you’ll realize that you’ve stopped waiting for your ex to come back because it’s not worth obsessing over someone who abandoned yet.

Today’s post is for dumpees who want to know how long they should wait for their ex to come back before it’s time to move on.

How long should I wait for my ex to come back?

If you’re broken-hearted and want to know how long you should wait for your ex to come back, know that asking this question serves no purpose. It’s like asking how long you should stay addicted to heroin.

If you don’t know the answer to this question, the answer is that you shouldn’t stay addicted at all. You should do whatever it takes to break your addiction and regain control over your emotional health and well-being. To do that, it will, of course, take time.

But as you know, all addictions take time. It’s why they’re called addictions.

Scientists say that when we get broken up, our brain goes through a withdrawal similar to heroin addiction. It makes us think we need the daily dose of the dumper because it’s good for us.

The reality is just the opposite, though. During some time throughout the relationship, we’ve become extremely close to our partner (possibly let ourselves go), so we need to distance ourselves from the person making our obsession worse and get ourselves back.

We need to invest more in ourselves despite every cell in our body telling us that our ex is what we need to be happy. It’s bloody hard to pull away from the bringer of pain who also happens to be the solution to our problems.

But as hard as it is, separation anxiety and pain aren’t reasons for not distancing yourself. They are reasons to be brave and break your pattern so you can strengthen yourself emotionally and become fully self-sufficient.

That means you should not wait for your ex to come back at all. You should just go no contact from day 1 and stay in no contact until your ex wants you back (not just when your ex reaches out). As long as you’re desperate to get back with your ex, you need to respect yourself and treat the breakup for what it is – a romantic rejection.

I know it’s difficult to walk away with your head held high, but if you don’t walk away with confidence, you shouldn’t expect to heal and your ex to respect you. You should expect your ex to think you’re open to friendship and breadcrumbing 24/7.

Here are 9 instances where you should not wait for your ex to come back.

As you can probably tell, you should never wait for someone who lost feelings for you. You shouldn’t do it even if your ex promised you the world and said you’re the best partner he or she ever had. Even if you were the best, this doesn’t mean that your ex was happy with you or his/her perception of you.

Your ex may have taken the relationship for granted and ignored the issues that badly needed fixing.

So keep in mind that the future is uncertain and that it’s healthier, safer, and more productive for you to focus on the present moment. If you’re hurting and struggling to love yourself, you shouldn’t focus on your ex and rely on your ex for closure and healing.

You should look within yourself and figure out where your pain is coming from. If it’s coming from a place of low self-esteem, your ex obviously won’t be able to help you with that. He or she will likely make it worse. Especially if your ex gets upset and says the breakup is all your fault.

Almost all dumpees want their ex back initially. They think they can’t do better than their ex, so they idolize their ex like crazy and raise their ex’s value in their eyes. It’s usually much later (when they get some emotional distance) that they take their rose-colored glasses off and realize their ex isn’t very special at all.

They are the special ones because they tolerated certain behaviors and stayed committed until the very end.

This might be a bit irrelevant, but society sometimes gives credit to people who don’t deserve it.

For example, talkative, loud, and frank people often appear to be more trustworthy, intelligent, and reliable than quiet and reserved ones.

Good-looking, well-presented people tend to have an advantage over less good-looking when it comes to getting hired for certain jobs.

And dumpers appear to be extremely valuable to dumpees because they have power and control. They hurt dumpees’ feelings, so they drive dumpees insane (affect them emotionally) and cause them to chase.

The point is that your ex is mortal like you and is worth no more and no less than you or anyone else. It doesn’t matter what your ex does for a living, how many people find your ex attractive, how rich your ex’s family is, and how much your ex wants you or doesn’t want you.

If your ex was born human, he or she doesn’t deserve to be treated better than you treat yourself and others. You need to keep that in mind so you don’t start worshipping your ex and thinking your ex is the best person in the world for you.

You may have gotten comfortable and attached to your ex, but if your ex broke up with you, something’s not right. Whether you’re responsible for the breakup or not, your ex felt you weren’t good enough and pushed you away to focus on himself or herself.

People who do that don’t value you as much as you value them. They may be depressed or really stressed about something, but it’s evident they aren’t scared of letting you go. They’ve detached already and can probably handle seeing you with someone else.

So what does that tell you?

It tells you that if your ex isn’t afraid of losing you, you shouldn’t be afraid of losing your ex either. Love requires reciprocation—and if there is none, your ex doesn’t deserve the luxury of your time and emotions. Your ex deserves exactly what he or she asked for – complete emotional and physical separation followed by an indefinite period of no contact.

How you handle the breakup is up to you. But know that if you stop interacting with your ex and focus on your healing that you’ll stop waiting for your ex to come back. You’ll love yourself and find inner peace too valuable to put your life on hold for your ex.

Is it worth waiting for your ex to come back?

Waiting for an ex to have an epiphany is just not worth your time. While you’re waiting, you could be improving yourself, meeting new people, moving on, and enjoying yourself. You could be doing so many things that fulfill you and give meaning to your existence.

But instead, you’re stuck in the past with someone who isn’t obsessing like a junkie. Your ex is focusing on the present and the future—and is probably having a decent time. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if your ex is on cloud 9 or miserable. The point is that you shouldn’t be waiting and praying to get another chance with “the love of your life.”

You should be working on severing the bond with your ex and finding something else to be excited about. Doing that will take away your reasons for waiting for your ex to come back and improve your life in many shapes and forms.

If you don’t know what to work on, this is the time to engage in introspection. What are some of the things you neglected or forgot about while you were with your ex? Did you pay less attention to your friends and family? Did you change your diet and get out of shape? What about your finances and mental health? Are they looking good?

Waiting for your ex to come back may not be worth it, but improving your flaws and growing as a person is. Your life will go on with or without your ex, so don’t waste it by obsessing and waiting. You don’t need to date anyone if you don’t want to, but do get to know some new people.

Doing so will keep you busy for a while and help you detach.

How do I stop waiting for my ex to come back?

You can stop waiting for your ex to come back by letting go of hope. Hope is your double-edged sword as it’s making you feel in control of the breakup but also delaying your detachment and healing.

Losing too much hope all of a sudden could be detrimental to your health and could make you fall into depression whereas holding on to it for too long could keep you waiting for your ex for a very long time.

So what do you do?

You strive for a healthy balance between remaining hopeful and losing hope. You can do that by talking about your ex to friends when you’re anxious and distracting yourself from your ex when you’re doing fine.

To remain in control and prevent yourself from breaking down, sign up for therapy, discuss the breakup with your friends and family, journal your thoughts and feelings, and look for closure if your ex hasn’t given it to you.

But to let go of control, spend as much time as possible doing the things you love. Pick up some new hobbies, socialize, focus on work, and implement exercise into your daily routine. Do that which keeps you busy and makes you happy because such things will take your ex off your mind and help you detox from your ex.

Why is my ex taking so long to come back?

The reason why it’s taking your ex so long to come back is that your ex doesn’t see a reason to come back. Your ex is still enjoying post-breakup relief and is convinced that the breakup is better for his or her health than the relationship was.

Time’s got nothing to do with your ex coming back. Sure, it’s allowing your ex to cool off and be more rational, but it’s not making his or her feelings come back. Feelings require something much more complicated than time.

They require failure, unhappiness, nostalgia, shattered self-esteem, reflection, and heck, oftentimes even self-pity (which is a desire for love and understanding). It’s highly unlikely for your ex to walk back into a relationship with you just because you were a good person.

No, you need to be a good person and a reliable partner in contrast to something or someone else. Only then will your ex compare life before the breakup to life after and determine whether breaking up was the right thing to do.

So don’t look at time as something that makes exes come back. The fact that your ex hasn’t come back yet means that your ex hasn’t reflected because he or she is not doing that bad emotionally, financially, or in whichever way your ex needed you before.

Don’t take it personally, but whatever your ex is doing isn’t much worse than it was before. It seems to be working (or about the same) for now otherwise your ex would have come running back by now.

You’ve got to give your ex more time (forever if it may be) so your ex can explore the new life and see if it’s possible to improve his or her negative perceptions of you.

Did you learn how long you should wait for your ex to come back? When do you think it’s time to give up? Comment below.

However, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup coaching and want help from Magnet of Success, visit our coaching page and select a package that fits your needs.

See you next time!

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.