If a guy you dated or wanted to date slept with you and then went back to his girlfriend, the guy clearly wasn’t ready for a relationship with you. He was still in love with his girlfriend and wanted to be with her.
It’s possible that you were his affair or rebound partner – someone he dated while they were having relationship problems and/or were broken up. He either wanted to be with his girlfriend all along but got dumped by her or went back to her after realizing he couldn’t get what he needed from you or other women.
Regardless of why he went back to his girlfriend, it’s evident that he currently has feelings for her and that he doesn’t deserve you. The guy practically prioritized his emotional gratifications over you, gave you false hope, used you for selfish gain, and left you when doing so became convenient for him.
He didn’t care about you in ways you wanted him to and left you to be with a person he already knew.
Dumpers go back to their exes when they can’t move forward in life. When they encounter problems and feel stuck, they think about their exes and run back to them for validation and support. They basically re-develop romantic feelings and rely on their ex.
As for dumpees, their goal is to reconcile with their ex until they move on and don’t want their ex back. Dumpees want their ex back mainly because they emotionally depend on their ex.
They may see other people and sleep with them, but doing so doesn’t give them the fulfillment they seek. That’s why they leave their new partners the moment their ex expresses regret and wants them back. They don’t waste any time because they waited a long time for their ex to change his or her mind and ask for another chance.
So if a guy slept with you and then went back to his girlfriend, know that the guy wasn’t emotionally ready for you. He was still hoping to reconcile with his ex, especially when he was with other people because that was when he realized other people weren’t anything like his ex.
They didn’t reach his expectations and as a result, reminded him of his ex and the benefits he lost.
You shouldn’t take it personally and blame yourself for this. A guy who goes back to an ex typically does so because he hasn’t processed the past yet. His mind still revolves around his ex, making him crave her validation and forgiveness.
I know that the guy left you shortly after sleeping with you and that you feel discarded and hurt, but try to see the positives in this ordeal. One of the positives is that he left before you could get attached (or attached a lot).
By revealing his true intentions and removing himself from your life, he made the job easier on you in the long run.
It’s better to break up sooner than later because the longer a person stays in your life, the more hurt you get.
My advice is to let him be with his girlfriend if that’s what he wants. They probably have quite a history together and have lots of things to work on. Besides their problems, he’ll have to confess to sleeping with at least one person while they were broken up.
This means his girlfriend will have to accept it and make adjustments. They may be back together, but things are just getting started for them. A relationship that gets a second chance needs much more work than a new relationship.
That’s because there’s less trust, patience, and willingness to tolerate pain and disrespect.
To succeed as a couple, they’ll have to outgrow their old selves, accept each other and the things they did post-breakup, and commit to dealing with stressors and problems differently.
You probably shouldn’t envy them because you wouldn’t want to be in their situation. You deserve a relationship without all the drama and betrayal.
So instead of remembering all the nice things he said and did, remember that he used you for sex while he was finding himself and/or waiting for his ex to return.
Tell yourself that you couldn’t stop him from going back to his ex and that accepting what happened to you is the best thing you can do right now. You feel hurt, but you shouldn’t fight for the guy’s love after he chose his ex and is in a relationship with her.
The guy wants to give his relationship another chance. You mustn’t meddle with it because it won’t make you look good, nor is it the right thing to do.
In today’s post, we discuss what to do when a guy sleeps with you and goes back to his girlfriend.
Why did he sleep with me in the first place?
If the guy got dumped by his ex-girlfriend, he slept with you because he was starving for validation and happiness. He was miserable and wanted to boost his shattered ego and self-esteem. Sadly, he chose to do this by getting intimate with you and possibly other people.
He lost faith in himself after his ex left him, so he thought that the quickest way to stop hurting was to get under the sheets with someone else. This led him straight to you and enabled him to obtain validation rather quickly.
He probably didn’t waste much time getting to know you and slept with you as soon as possible.
That’s how you can tell that a guy is into you for superficial reasons and that a relationship likely won’t develop past the infatuation stage. Once he sleeps with you and feels that he got the validation he craved, his interest in you is never going to be the same again.
Instead of continuing to see you, he’ll make excuses as to why he doesn’t have time and why thinks you’re not a good match.
On the other hand, if he left his ex, then the guy is probably in self-discovery mode. He didn’t want to settle down right away and wanted to make sure that he found the perfect person.
That person, of course, doesn’t exist, but because he couldn’t find what he was looking for (probably failed with multiple people), he realized that his ex gave him what he wanted and that he took it for granted.
This realization made him fall back in love with his ex (at least temporarily) and urged him to go back to her. You didn’t fascinate him that much because he never fully got to know you. He wasn’t interested in getting to know you because he just wanted to sleep with you and feel empowered.
Believe it or not, this says a lot about the guy. It says that he slept with you to get what he needed from you and that he wasn’t trying to be in a long-term relationship with you. He just wanted your recognition and things you could do for him.
A real relationship is based on giving and taking. It’s never 50/50, but at least a healthy couple strives for balance. The guy in question was mostly a taker because his main goal was to sleep with you and make himself feel good.
He felt empowered by the whole thing and wanted to have fun for a while.
His fun ended when he realized you wanted to spend more time together and were directly or indirectly asking for commitment. Your expectations essentially put him off. They told him he needed to do better.
Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a commitment from a person you’re seeing and sleeping with.
You’re not an insecure person for assuming the relationship is progressing and that you might become exclusive partners. You’re a person with healthy expectations who wants a serious relationship rather than a superficial one.
As long as you don’t rush and ask for commitment right away, you shouldn’t scare a guy off. You especially shouldn’t make him go back to his ex.
Most people who go back to their ex while they’re seeing someone else do so because they got dumped by their ex and received an opportunity to be with their ex. They couldn’t find happiness without their ex, so they immediately abandon the person they’re seeing and branch back to their ex.
This gives them a sense of validation and security and stops them from feeling rejected and unwanted.
If a guy you slept with went back to his girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend), he probably always wanted to get back with her. The only reason he didn’t get back with her is because his ex didn’t want him back.
She didn’t want to give the guy another chance after everything they went through as a couple.
You were his rebound, a person he used for distraction and validation. You made his ex’s abandonment less painful and decreased his longing for her.
You did that for as long as:
- he was recovering
- his ex-girlfriend didn’t want him back
When she changed her mind about the breakup, he immediately cut you off and gave her his undivided love and attention. His wish came true as he’d been dreaming about being with her for a long time.
However, if the guy left his ex and dated other people afterward, then it’s possible that he failed to connect with you and others and that he hurried back to his ex due to the fear of losing her (to someone else).
Usually, this happens when dumpers get the sexual fulfillment and validation they desire and learn they can’t be happier than they were when they were with their ex.
Having said that, here are 6 reasons why he slept with you and then went back to his girlfriend.
He slept with me, then ignored me
If a guy sleeps with you and then ignores you, it’s either because he doesn’t see long-term potential with you or because he found someone else. That someone can be a new person or his ex (someone who keeps him busy, entertained, validated, and needed).
In your case, it’s his ex. He doesn’t see the need to respond and talk to you because he got an opportunity to bond with someone better. Of course, she’s better only in his eyes because he already has a bond with her and needs her to be happy.
Many exes reconcile even though they’re severely undeveloped and unprepared for a romantic relationship. They get back together simply because they have unresolved feelings, traumas, low self-esteem, fears, or problems they need their ex to help them with.
That doesn’t mean they’re a great match but frankly quite the opposite. It’s a sign of codependence. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or financial, they see relationships as instruments to rely on and hide their problems. Such relationships are most likely to fail as they’re built on things couples can obtain from one another.
So bear in mind that when a guy ignores you after sleeping with you, he’s basically saying that he doesn’t need you anymore. He needed you before he got physical with you, but now that he got what he was after, he feels validated and contented.
He’s willing to ignore you and act as if sex was just a one-time thing.
If he wanted it to be that, he should have told you so in the first place. But because he felt lost and unsure what to do after the breakup, he didn’t tell you anything and made it look like he saw a future with you.
We can talk about could haves and should haves all day long, but that won’t change the present and the future. The truth is he doesn’t think romantically about you (anymore) as his focus is on his girlfriend.
You have every right to feel used and discarded. You can feel angry too. But whatever you do, don’t take it out on the guy. He’s not worth it no matter how badly he mistreated you.
Remember that he’ll eventually question his morals and that he and his girlfriend will have a lot to work on if they want to make things work.
From an outside perspective, they may look like a perfect couple, but they wouldn’t have broken up if that were true. They would have stayed together and not sleep with anyone else.
So don’t think the guy will have it easy all his life. When the infatuation fades, he’ll be forced to address relationship problems and remember how he treated you. Expect their relationship to not be a smooth ride and that they could break up again if they hadn’t made any significant changes and improvements.
As for you, you’ll be okay. Right now, you feel betrayed, sad, and probably even angry. But when you see that you’re not competing with anyone and that he was going to go back to his ex no matter what you did or didn’t do, you’ll stop thinking it was your fault.
You’ll basically hold him accountable for his actions and stop craving his validation.
Give it some time to get him out of your system. When he’s out, you’ll see things realistically and forget about him once and for all.
Did the guy you liked or dated sleep with you and then when back to his girlfriend? Why do you think he did that and how did it make you feel? We’d love to hear your story, so feel free to share it in the comments below.
And if you’d like to discuss things privately, sign up for personal coaching here.
Mark ā nothing is entirely your fault. Yes, you made mistakes like we all do. But as there was more than one person in your relationship, then there were some factors that were external, wholly out of your control. Zan encourages us to see the upside of things. You are mourning the possibilities that died with this relationship, and need to sit with grief for a while. Grief is an emotion we evolved as sentient beings to make us mentally tougher so we can cope. This experience will do just that.
Good luck ā hereās to a better 2024!
All I wanted to say was how much I admire the way Zan takes human emotions apart, and expands on our motivations and drivers. Why we behave the way we do isnāt clear to us sometimes. He takes the pain and guesswork out of relationships because heās speaking from experience and not just as a disinterested mental health counselor. He is far and away better than the latter because while unbiased and impartial, he has personally experienced breakup pain. Thatās why I admire the skill of his writing. Most people canāt put this stuff into coherent articles. Zan on the other hand, is willing to revisit his experiences in order to provide us with valuable perspective. I learned here, to not subject myself to another attempt at reconciliation, because that would have erased all the hard work Iād done getting over the first and second dumping. May I point to his logic in the context that a second attempt at reconciliation, and multiple attempts thereafter, only get progressively worse. Heās right as usual, this is a rational presentation of relationship attenuation. Makes total sense because in his writing, he speaks from experience both personally and as a clinician.
Hi Claire.
Thank you for your flattering comment. You are absolutely correct that any attempt at reconciliation carries inherent risks. It makes the dumpee look weak and unattractive and decreases his or her chances of having a balanced give and take relationship. Many dumpees continue to put their ex on a pedestal even after they’ve reconciled. This puts them at risk of breaking up.
Sincerely,
Zan
Just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year.
What an absolute year it has been, despite all the breakup pain I have learned so much through this blog (and some youtube coaches) about relationships, breakups, attachment and about myself. I have done what I can to manage my anxiety and not to think about my ex and her monkey branching. For the past 6 months I have each day read every new article as well as catching up on previous articles, starting from the absolute first one with the goal of reading everyone up until now. I have a long way to go and for the past week I haven’t read the blog, just been enjoying my xmas vacation with hobbies and workout.
The only thing I regret is that it had to come to this for me to learn this stuff.
But hopefully 2024 will be a better year thanks to the things I know now.
Thank you for your insight and I wish you a great 2024!
Hi Gordon.
Happy new year. I’m sure this year will be much more enjoyable for you. You won’t think so much about your ex and wonder what she’s doing. You’ll find your inner peace and stress much less. I don’t like putting it this way, but the breakup had to happen for you to improve. If it weren’t for the breakup, you’d still be the old you.
You’ve come a long way, Gordon.
Best regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
I still have troubles accepting the break-up, because I do feel that its entirely my fault. See, I do have struggles with emotional intimacy, which is why I was in therapy for couple of years now. I shared my experience with my ex-girlfriend, and I tried to explain to her, how she should “handle” me, how I need someone who is honest and who tells me when I go too far, as I have troubles regulating my emotions. I also told her, that I am really sorry about the way I am, but that I can’t help it, if I expect too much from my partner, or that I can feel slighted very easy. I know these are MY problems, and I was transparent about that. I expected acceptance and tolerance from my partner. However, she felt this was all “too much” for her, and she even told me, that it was very unattractive for her, to see me so needy and immature sometimes, when I lose my cool. At the end, she said, she doesn’t see a real man in me, when I am being emotional, and that she doesn’t want to deal with all this her whole life.
You can imagine, this devastated me. I know that I can be too much, but I tried to be open about that, to find a solution together. I know my emotional states can be overwhelming, and that I tend to do stuff that I later regret (calling names, belittling myself and others etc.), but I thought transparency about that would actually help us dealing with my problems together… the fact that she basically told me, I am “too much to handle” and that she doesn’t want to deal with my issues anymore was more than insulting to me. She basically threw me away like some trash. She broke up in the most demeaning way possible, stating that she feels sorry for me, that shes always there to help me, that she feels horrible for letting me down and that I shouldnt hurt myself… That girl literally thought I would utterly break down, when in reality I am a working in a prestigious position, have a PhD in Medical Sciences/Immunology. For 2 years, I tried to make it work. I hoped that when I expected too much from here, that she could limit me and provide something more realistic. However, she just lost feelings, insulted me as “unattractive” at the end, and pitied me throughout the break-up.
It just feels unbelieavably insulting to have someone just reject you, after you’ve been so transparent about your insecurities and bad sides… I know I can be a monster, but I really tried to make it work…
Hi Mark.
I know you’ve been transparent about some of your problems, but there’s only so much transparency means to the person you’re with. She may rationally understand the reasons behind your actions, but that doesn’t mean her patience is limitless. You needed to break these patterns of yours and show improvement. Because you didn’t grow fast enough, she got emotionally overwhelmed and attached some bad beliefs to your persona. This made her feel negatively and stopped thinking of you as equals.
The reason she reacted so strongly during the breakup is that she developed a defense mechanism to protect herself from your behavior. It seemed personal, but she just had enough and reacted to it.
Insecurities and honesty are one thing, but it seems that you’ve accepted them and wanted your partner to do the same. Maybe some other person would have done that (many people do), but your ex didn’t. She wanted her partner to be in control of his emotions and actions.
Make sure to resolve these things, Mark. You’re not a monster. We all have insecurities, but it’s not okay to project them onto our partner. Not in ways that hurt the person we love the most.
Sincerely,
Zan
Zan,
I love how you give voice to issues that are so elemental yet are hard for us to identify and put meaningfully. For example in my case, you advised that we would all keep forever putting up with bad behavior if the reasons behind it were someoneās untreated trauma. Everyone has had some type of trauma, so thatās not an excuse to take it out on others was your point. From todayās pieceāāA relationship that gets a second chance needs much more work than a new relationship. Thatās because thereās less trust, patience, and willingness to tolerate pain and disrespect.ā
Relationships shouldnāt be that hard to begin with if two people love each other. Iām not saying it should be effortless but it shouldnāt be that hard. So when thereās ābetrayal and dramaā the first time, then an already difficult relationship becomes irredeemable and shouldnāt be salvaged.
*Also, I noticed you using the word āwhilstā lately. This is just me, but Iām thinking āwhileā is the word that may serve you better. Your English is more fluent and correct than many native English speakers, donāt get me wrong, but āwhilstā sounds a little like Renaissance fair jargonāāMethinks whilst thee stand in line for ye olde joust thee have mustard on thine cloak, yea verily Milord!ā
Hi Claire.
Couples should do their best on their first try because there’s no guarantee that they’ll be successful the second or third time around. There’s no guarantee that they’ll even get another chance. Not everyone does. Many exes are not able to forgive each other and fall back in love. Those who do have old and new problems to resolve. And these problems may lead to their downfall.
Thanks for helping me grammatically, Claire! From now on, I’ll ditch the word whilst and replace it with while.š
Sincerely,
Zan
”Whilst” and ”While” are both grammatically correct depending on the sentence, whilst highlights the difference between 2 examples whereas while might be used in a time reference, that’s my understanding of it anyway.
Hi Jon.
Thanks for letting me know that. I thought whilst was commonly used in the UK and while in the US.
Sincerely,
Zan