There is no denying that breakups can teach us valuable lessons whether you are the dumper or the dumpee.
In this article, we will try to answer the question—how to tell if your ex has changed—and
You will also learn how to tell if your ex is merely pretending about becoming a better, improved person.
Indeliberate post-breakup change
The separation on its own can bring many daily changes into our lives, as we now have to adjust to a new style of living.
We take up old and new hobbies, start seeing new people, make new friends, do new activities, etc. All of these create new opportunities around us and change the dynamics of our lifestyle.
This is what I refer to as the indeliberate post-breakup change.
The breakup itself doesn’t play a big role when it comes to changing core values and personalities.
Hobbies and interests, people, the environment—can over time alter some of our personality traits, such as becoming more patient, cautious, open, etc.
Deliberate post-breakup change
To change our beliefs, shortcomings, values, deep-rooted habits, phobias—deliberate post-breakup change plans needs to be put in place.
Depending on the person and the ability to help oneself, the plan to change can be created and carried out by the individual wanting to change or with the help of a licensed professional.
In order to change intentionally after the breakup, the following conditions must be met:
- becoming aware of one’s shortcomings
- gathering the motivation or the desperation to change
- creating a solid plan to change
Do people learn from breakups?
Breakups can give us insight into what we want from a romantic relationship and also what we don’t want.
They can teach us a lot of valuable lessons as long as we are open to learning. The ability to change often depends on how receptive we are and how much personal growth matters to us.
Everyone learns at least something from the separation.
The lesson could be what to look for in the next romantic relationship, what behavior to tolerate, how to live independently and much more.
But unfortunately, whether the person learns anything is strongly dependent on their belief system and their sense of just.
Dumpers VS dumpees
Breakups are horrible, and no one likes going through one. “Luckily,” there’s a silver lining to them.
Because people are emotional beings, breakups bring out the very best and the very worst of them (usually the latter). Breakups leave different effects on dumpers as they do on dumpees. These differences are apparent like day and night.
When dumpers leave a relationship, they are full of relief and elation.
Since happiness is a deterrent for change, dumpers’ motivation is lower than ever.
They are in the “me mentality” and lack the capacity to self-evaluate.
And since their relationship didn’t work out, they blame it on the dumpee, holding on to post-breakup power.
Their strength and control are preventing dumpers from making any long-term inner changes, and they often instead resort to finding external happiness.
They put their attention elsewhere, such as enjoying their single life, dating, partying, etc.
Their relief stage of a breakup propels them towards new activities, new friends and a new life. Sometimes dumpers will quickly jump into a rebound relationship and try their best to force the
Dumpees, on the other hand, tend to focus inwardly by grieving the relationship.
They become curious in different ways to get their ex back and find the determination to become better.
Since dumpees are in a desperate state, their resolve to change their shortcomings is much bigger than ever.
They often become aware of their relationship killers, the post-breakup mistakes and develop an obsession for their ex. Because desperation is much more emotion-driven than happiness, dumpees are much more likely to grow as people.
To them, change is absolutely necessary as it would increase the odds of attracting their ex back.
Dumpees’ initial response to the breakup is, “I need to get better, I wasn’t good enough,” while dumpers think, “This isn’t working for me. I must become happy on my own.”
Based on the differences in emotional states, dumpees are many times more susceptible to change.
Dumpers’ change
If you were abandoned and believe your ex has instantaneously changed, allow me to explain why you may be wrong.
It’s possible your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend became unrecognizable to you or your friends by engaging in new activities, talking to new people and talking badly about you.
You might feel as if you don’t know this person at all despite spending months or years with him or her.
Is it possible to hide one’s true self for that long or to change instantly?
Allow me to answer that for you—no, it’s not. This person you are observing in disbelief is the same person he or she has been for years.
The only difference to your ex’s behavior is that while you were in a relationship, he or she never had to show you the ugly side.
Since the relationship is now officially over, you get to see some real demons come to the surface. Finally, you are presented with the real characteristics of the person you loved.
It’s a shame we get to see good and bad qualities in people in the worst situations.
Zan
You might have heard the idiom that you will meet the best people in the worst situations.
In my opinion, it’s true because a person who helps you when you are on your knees will also be of assistance to you when you are happy.
Sadly, it might not necessarily be true the other way around. An for that reason, relationships should really start inverted by getting to know the person’s bad qualities first, followed by the positive ones.
Dumpees’ change
Dumpees will often act on impulse right after the breakup by begging and pleading.
Because of their hurt self-esteem, they will push and push their dumper and bring out the worst in him or her.
No-contact is available to them to save face and do their best to get over the breakup. It’s the only way to regain their dignity and make the dumper happy in the process.
Unfortunately, many people believe they must prove change to their ex and do whatever they can to win their trust back.
Dumpees think they will be able to reconcile if they can just negotiate with their ex.
They aren’t aware that dumpers have been contemplating the breakup for weeks or months and that they now feel relieved to be single.
But soon they realize that dumpers can’t be reasoned with at this point and they have no choice but to leave their exes alone.
Do your best while you are in a relationship because when you get broken up with, there’s no excuse for negotiations.
Zan
After the breakup, dumpees will begin to change and evolve. They will make sure they don’t repeat the mistakes they have made in their previous relationship by overanalyzing the whole relationship, inside-out.
Thinking, crying and regretting their behavior in the state of depression allow people to change rapidly. People learn and change from their mistakes when they absolutely need to. Unfortunately, it’s one of the few ways.
Is it possible for your ex to change after the breakup?
Whether your ex was the dumper or the dumpee, it’s possible your ex has changed since the breakup.
The only way to make sure of that is to listen to him or her and pay close attention to the actions that follow.
Your ex may be trying to convince you that he is no longer the same person. He may go to great lengths to prove his point and become sad or angry.
Judge people by what they
Zansaydo.
Emotions, especially negative ones can be hard to control in difficult situations. A lot of people, unfortunately, rely on their emotions, which almost always leads to bad actions.
Impulsive behavior should be managed with different relaxation techniques and prevented at all cost.
For that reason, you must observe your ex’s actions and determine if it’s healthy and different from before. This is sometimes not easy to achieve when he or she is pretending to be on his/her best behavior.
You can test this person by putting him in a difficult situation and observe his behavior.
Remember one of the previous quotes—It’s a shame we get to see good and bad qualities in people in the worst situations. When your ex is forced to deal with a difficult situation, he will likely show his true colors.
If he passes the test, do another one.
Rinse and repeat until his words are consistent with his actions, and you will know for sure whether he’s changed.
Another thing I would like to point out is that exes often say “I have changed, I’m a different person now.”
What your ex is saying is that he has realized what he’s done wrong and not actually taken the time to work on it. Sometimes the realization alone can be enough, but in 99% of the cases, it’s not.
Getting out of your comfort zone takes time and effort and breaking a pattern can take up to 66 days before it becomes natural and a part of us. For your ex to actually change, he must actually intend to change.
Your ex may have started working on his shortcomings as a result of the breakup—which is a good motivator.
His chances of permanently changing for the better are definitely significantly increased as long as he has started putting conscious effort into becoming a better version of himself.
When can I believe my ex?
His chances of success are much higher when he is operating under the fear of loss because of a breakup. It can be the boost he needs to truly evolve into a more self-aware individual.
When he has reached that state (which would normally take months) is when he wouldn’t feel the need to reach out to you and say “Look, I have changed!”
During those few months apart, he would have developed the mental strength and confidence in himself and convince you through actions.
His way of interacting with you would be different and perhaps even his view on life. In simple terms, he would have changed the things he focused on.
Should you give your “changed ex” another chance?
This depends on a lot of things. Ask yourself these questions first:
- has enough time passed since the breakup for him to reflect?
- Will things be different this time?
- Am I prepared to put in the extra work to make sure it works?
- Has my ex evolved? Have I?
- Can we rebuild trust and love?
- Does my ex support me and allow me to grow?
If you have answered yes to all of these questions, then perhaps you could give this person another chance.
Things can be a lot better the second time around if both parties are willing to put in the extra work.
Sometimes couples get back together just to break up again a weeks later. That’s why it’s so important to address all the issues that plagued the relationship before attempting to reconcile.
Can I convince my ex to change?
The real question is why should you be the one convincing your ex to change? You can point out the things that bothered you about her, and she can take it from there.
Whether she decides to do anything about it, shouldn’t be any of your concern. If your ex really wants to get back together, she will move mountains and swim oceans to get back with you.
If she decides changing would go against her core beliefs or is simply too stubborn and egocentric, then it might be for the best to go separate ways.
You deserve to be with someone who is more compatible with you and be willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.
In the ideal world, if your ex decides to change, you can offer her support. Let her know you have her back on her journey of transformation and watch from the distance.
You must be aware that her journey is personal, and that you want to stay away as much as you can from her. If she becomes comfortable, she could give up and regress back to her old ways.
Perhaps you could point your ex in the right direction by suggesting some great relationship and self-development book. And remember, keep your distance until things have changed for the better.
Has your ex changed or promised to change? Post your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
