Getting Back With An Ex After A Year

Getting back with an ex after a year is much easier than getting back together after a few weeks or months. This is because a year of time is normally enough for ex-couples to get some emotional distance, regain their identities, and improve their shortcomings.

It’s enough for them to reflect on their mistakes and admit that they were both responsible for the demise of the relationship.

The problem though is that not all ex-couples realize their flaws and work on themselves. Some people just blame their ex for the breakup. They think their ex is responsible for their actions and choices and that they are perfect the way they are.

Although they shouldn’t have to change for anyone, the truth is that they should change for themselves. If they want to be in a healthy long-lasting relationship with their ex or someone else, they have to identify their weaknesses and grow within.

That’s the only way they can make healthier decisions in the future.

From a psychological point of view, dumpees tend to do a lot more maturing than dumpers because dumpees are in pain and want to get their exes back. On average, they spend 2 – 3 months rewiring their beliefs and behaviors whereas dumpers spend their post-breakup time enjoying themselves.

They focus on enjoying the space their ex gives them and by doing so, don’t make many (or any) internal changes. They work on themselves much later when they get involved with other people and become dumpees themselves.

That’s when they find themselves in the same situation as their ex, and therefore, realize they had made mistakes too.

So if you’re thinking of getting back with an ex after a year, know that there’s nothing wrong with giving an ex-relationship another go. It takes courage and faith to open your heart to someone who had wounded you. Just make sure that enough time has passed for personal growth to occur and that you both want to be with each other equally.

If someone’s extremely excited and the other unsure, guarded, and resentful, mark my words that the relationship will fail before it even begins. It will collapse in on itself because someone will want the relationship for the wrong reasons.

For reasons inspired by:

• anxiety
• depression
• guilt
• shame
• pressure from the family
• rebound relationships

I suggest that you give it another go only if you and your ex have talked about getting back together and are certain you’ve resolved your shortcomings and differences. If you’re beyond doubt that you’ve grown and compromised your values/the things you want in life, you can get back together right away.

There’s no need to hold back emotionally and delay getting back together.

But if someone hasn’t done much self-development and merely enjoyed your post-breakup freedom, then getting back together may not be such a good idea. It doesn’t matter if a year or ten years have passed as time doesn’t change people much. It’s thoughts, realizations, experiences, decisions, and persistence that does that.

This means that as long as you think and behave the same way as before, agreeing with each other is going to be very difficult. It’s going to be so difficult you’re going to be miserable around each other. Only this time, your relationship won’t last as long as it did before because every time you break up, it gets easier to leave and makes the dumpee more anxious or more detached.

In today’s post, we’ll talk about when getting back with an ex after a year apart is a good idea and when it’s not. We’ll also discuss how you can make sure your relationship doesn’t go down the same road.

Getting back with an ex after a year

If you’re thinking of getting back with an ex after a year or so, you’ve probably got a lot of work to do. You’ve got to figure out if anything’s changed since the two of you split up and why you even want to get back together.

If you want to reconcile because you’re lonely, miserable, broke, or unhappy with your living situation, those aren’t good reasons for getting back with an ex. They’re selfish reasons that will likely lead to another separation once you, your ex, or both get what you need from each other.

To reconcile for the right reasons, you have to be both emotionally and rationally ready for reconciliation. You have to have love, but also the ability to maintain the romantic relationship by contributing to each other’s life rather than just taking from it.

I know this seems so basic, but many people don’t understand why they’re getting back with their ex. All they know is that their heart tells them to reconcile and that they must listen to their heart rather than their brain.

That’s the way people are. We tend to overprioritize our feelings and neglect rational thinking. Just look at new couples fresh in love. They’re not worried about how they’ll make their relationship work. They just focus on the present moment and ignore early warning signs of a bad relationship.

So whatever you do, don’t just act on your instincts and get back with your ex the moment an opportunity presents itself. You should first determine whether the issues that broke you up are gone forever and then figure out if it’s possible to keep the relationship strong and healthy.

As a dumpee, you must figure out why your ex wants you back. Does your ex realize your worth and like who you are or does your ex merely want you back because no one else wants him or her? If there’s a reason why dumpers break up with their partners, there’s also a reason why they come back.

And that reason often determines the success of the reconciliation.

As a dumper, however, the very first thing you must do is look within yourself and determine if your anger, bitterness, fears, depression, negative perceptions of your ex, or whatever the reason behind the breakup was is gone. Once you know it’s gone, you can then proceed to the next step.

Ask yourself, “Why do I want my ex back? What has changed since we broke up? Do I love my ex or do I just not love myself? Do I have the kind of commitment that is necessary for this romantic relationship to work?”

Oftentimes when dumpers come back they don’t have the willpower to invest in the relationship. They come back out of curiosity to see if things will change rather than to put in the effort to change. Such dumpers, of course, break up again.

They don’t have the determination and tools to push through the challenges they encounter.

So take your time and don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex just because a year has gone by. It’s essential that you and your ex have changed otherwise your relationship won’t be much different from before. It will merely continue from where it left off and fail before it even has a chance to bloom.

It’s possible that your ex dated someone else in your absence or that your ex will date someone if you don’t agree to get back with your ex. But don’t let your insecurities determine your ex’s worth. Anyone can find a person to date and commit to.

It’s maintaining relationships that not everyone excels at.

Having said that, here’s when to consider getting back with your ex after a year and when not to.

Discuss things first

Before you get back together with your ex, it’s of utmost importance that you have a lengthy conversation with your ex. Talk about the values, behaviors, plans, realizations, improvements, expectations, and the time, emotions, and money you’re prepared to invest in the relationship.

You need to be open and honest with your ex. The more honest you are and the more issues you address, the more serious and committed you will appear. You really can’t overdo this part because relationships are no joke.

They require steadfast loyalty and eagerness to change, evolve, adapt, and do whatever it takes to make them work.

Once you’ve expressed the desire to compromise, you must also state the things you’d like your ex to work on. This is important because you don’t want the same issues coming back to haunt you. If your ex was a bad communicator, for example, you want your ex to outgrow his or her old self and be more mature and ready to be with you.

As long as you don’t criticize your ex, there’s nothing wrong with telling your ex what to work on. In fact, it’s better to be a little frank than to pretend you’re okay with everything just to encounter the same problems later on.

So get things off your chest before you agree to be in a relationship with your ex. Tell your ex immediately what you’d like him or her to improve and be better at. If you don’t handle this part well and merely take your ex back on impulse, don’t expect your ex to know what to work on.

You especially shouldn’t expect your ex to know that if your ex is the dumper because dumpers are in control of the breakup and need to give the power they’ve stolen from the dumpee back to the dumpee. That’s how they can listen to their ex and make long-term changes that are good for them and the relationship.

Don’t bring up the past

This is super important. Holding grudges and bringing up the past is not only self-destructive but also destructive to the relationship. It makes it look like you’re stuck in the past, focusing on all the wrong things that don’t matter anymore.

If you need to talk about something difficult like infidelity, by all means, bring it up. Tell your partner you have something painful to talk about. Just don’t make it seem like you’re accusing your partner of being the same old person because that will prevent your partner from growing and being the person he or she is trying to be.

If you hold grudges from the past, you’ll throw rocks at your partner while your partner is trying to climb. So don’t do that. Instead of showing you have trust issues and that you find your partner responsible for them, work on your problems and leave your partner out of them.

Make your partner a part of your healing journey rather than the cause of your problems.

If you do this right, you’ll be able to let the past stay in the past and turn over a new leaf. Yes, it can be difficult to trust someone who betrayed you badly. But that’s why you have to be smart about it before you let your ex back into your heart.

Discern if your ex is capable of changing and reassuring you when you’re struggling with worries, doubts, and anxiety. A person who’s ready for a relationship will gladly support you for as long as it takes. He or she won’t say things like, “Get over it already, stop making me feel bad, and how much longer are you going to bring this up?”

Insecurities take a while to overcome. And people need to know that and be patient for as long as it takes – even if it takes years.

Develop determination and gratitude

The newness of the relationship initially gives couples hope for the relationship and makes them go through a little infatuation phase. But as you know, infatuation doesn’t last forever. It decreases slowly with time, leaving couples with only their relationship skills.

Because couples get out of the limerence stage, they need something else to stay in love. They need determination and gratitude. These two things are important because without them, couples are prone to taking each other for granted.

They’re prone to developing GIGS and falling in love with someone else.

To avoid that, you need to do what you can on your part. You may not be able to control your partner’s thoughts and feelings, but you can make sure your perceptions of your boyfriend or girlfriend are healthy and that you’re taking care of yourself.

There’s so much you need to pay attention to that could potentially affect the relationship.

But some of the most important things are:

• emotional health and self-esteem
• social life, family, and friendships
• work, finances
• hobbies, ambitions
• thinking patterns and perceptions
• emotional strength, willpower
• relaxation techniques
• relationship skills

Getting back with an ex after a year or even ten years is all about wanting to make a relationship work. If you care about your ex and your ex cares about you, rest assured that you’ll find ways to work together and grow your love.

You’ll just need to commit to the relationship, do your best to avoid arguments, and deal with any misunderstandings as soon as they arise.

Are you thinking of getting back with an ex after a year? What do you fear the most? Comment below the post.

And if you want to talk to us directly about your relationship or breakup, get in touch with us through the coaching page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.