If you’ve broken up twice and still love your ex, you probably want to know if exes come back a third time. You want your ex to stop running away from problems, commit to you, reciprocate your feelings, and make you feel important and safe.
Rest assured that some exes indeed come back a third or even a fourth time. They return even if they blame their ex for everything. But such exes are emotionally driven and unpredictable.
Because they leave and come back numerous times (plural), their actions prove they lack the determination to work through relationship and personal issues and that they’re unreliable and dangerous.
The more times they leave, the less they value the relationship, and the more likely they are to find something they dislike and leave again.
So even though some exes come back a third time, keep in mind that not all exes come back multiple times. Those who do usually aren’t capable of taking care of their emotional or some other needs—so they come back to lean on their ex for support. They don’t value their ex for who he or she is but rather for what their ex can provide.
The relationship is highly transactional, which means it lacks basic relationship principles.
This includes:
- healthy communication
- trust
- respect
- love
- intimacy
- acceptance
- forgiveness
- a healthy method of solving problems
When someone leaves multiple times, it’s clear that he or she is bothered by you and/or doesn’t have what it takes to make the relationship work. He or she may have commitment issues or may simply lack the tools to appreciate the effort and time you’ve put into the relationship.
Either way, your ex broke up with you twice. Two breakups indicate that commitment and your presence tire him or her and that your ex feels better when he or she is away from you. Absence from the relationship relieves your ex and lets your ex feel in control of his or her decisions and emotions.
If you’ve been dumped twice by the same person, you’ve got to understand that although your ex could come back a third time, your ex would likely come back with an exhausting relationship mentality. It would be the third time your ex gave the relationship a chance.
2 failures and 3 tries are nothing to brag about. When it comes to relationships, the third time isn’t the charm.
Relationships aren’t luck-based. They’re based on couples’ understanding of themselves and each other. The more they understand who they are and what’s important to them, the bigger the chance of making their relationship work.
Now, your ex might learn some important lessons while he or she is away from you. Your ex might date someone incompatible with him or her and realize your worth through romantic failure.
But ask yourself, what are the odds of that happening after two consecutive failures with you? Your ex gave up on you twice, so it’s hard to say if your ex even has any fight left in him or her.
That’s something only your ex knows. If the relationship ended on bad terms, your ex probably feels tired and victimized and has no intention of coming back. No dumpers do. They come back when unpredictable and painful things happen to them.
That’s when they engage in reflection and come running back to their ex for all kinds of reasons.
Basically, your ex will have to get hurt immensely and think that the only way to eliminate pain and achieve his or her goals and happiness is to get back with you. Your ex will have to realize that he or she took you for granted not once but twice and that he or she needs you back to live a productive and successful life.
Don’t think your ex will come back just because of love. Love may indeed be a part of the reconciliation plan, but there won’t be any love unless your ex discovers your romantic value and needs you to fulfill his or her wants and needs.
Your ex can miss you and want you back the third or any time only if your ex respects you and has nothing and no one better to stop making him or her feel sad and miserable.
To come back, your ex must not resent you or must eventually stop feeling resentful and victimized.
This means your ex has a lot of internal work to do. Whether by choice or force, your ex has to let go of unhealthy perceptions of you and see the positives of getting back together with you.
Positives include positive feelings (love, safety, etc.) as well as help dealing with problems and unwanted emotions. A relationship with you would decrease your ex’s production of cortisol (a stress hormone) and let your ex live a more fulfilling life.
Your ex has to want to be happy and stop feeling unhappy. That’s the most important condition for starting a new relationship with you. It doesn’t matter how many times your ex left. If your ex believes he or she can deal with problems with your help and be happier in a relationship with you than without you, your ex will return and recommit.
You won’t have to ask for love and commitment because your ex will feel determined to make things work.
Dumpers usually are, especially those who understand they messed up badly. Only dumpers who return for themselves appear uncertain, cold, and distant. Such dumpers tend to leave a week or two after coming back as they lack the love and commitment necessary to stay in a committed relationship.
In today’s post, we shed some light on whether exes come back a third time and how you can make the relationship work after multiple breakups.
When do exes come back a third time?
Simply put, exes come back a third time when for the third time, they fail to find the happiness they seek. They return when they get tired of being hurt and running into dead ends. Due to a lack of ways to make themselves happy, they return to an ex a third, fourth, or fifth time, rely on their ex for their problems, and promise to do better.
Whether they do better depends on their gratitude and regret, but usually, relationships after multiple breakups aren’t the strongest. Couples tend to have difficulties trusting each other and communicating properly, so they often give up at the first sign of trouble.
They go their separate ways because they lack the patience, resolve, and appreciation needed for a romantic relationship to work.
Maybe your ex will appreciate you the third time around, but don’t forget that every reconciliation makes things harder. Your ex will have to discover his or her reason for quitting and do something about it.
I suppose you’ll deal with reconciliation problems and trust issues when you get to them. For now, you need to understand that your ex will come back a third time only if he or she can’t get the satisfaction he or she expects from life.
If your ex encounters issues unrelated to you, your ex could realize you weren’t entirely responsible for his or her unhappiness back then either and that your ex lost a lot of benefits by breaking up with you.
Benefits that made your ex’s life much better and that your ex took for granted by focusing on your negative traits.
Anyway, you must understand that it will take serious reflection for your ex to consider returning to a relationship he or she abandoned twice. Even if the breakup happened “only” once, your ex would have to think that life got much worse as a result of the breakup and that you’re the person he or she wants to be with long-term.
The thing is though that your ex won’t magically think you’re the best person for him or her. Something or someone will have to show your ex that the life he or she chose is unfulfilling and unable to provide him or her the satisfaction he or she craves.
This could be another partner, a new failed relationship, a fallout with a friend or a family member, or a financial crisis. Typically, the dumper must feel scared, undesired, or unloved to consider getting back with an ex. The dumper’s self-esteem must plummet and tell him or her that life used to be much better in the past.
This kind of thinking can trigger contemplations and longings for an ex from the past, provided the dumper is capable of reflecting and feeling nostalgic.
Mind you, not every dumper copes with problems and difficult emotions the same way. Some dumpers have good coping mechanisms and support systems and don’t return to their ex just because they feel down. They return when their life turns upside down and leaves them with no choice but to reconnect with someone they used to feel safe with.
If you want to get back with an ex who left you, you must remember that the breakup relieved your ex of pressure and pain caused by the relationship. Your ex now feels free and is doing everything in his or her power to stay happy without you.
Your ex will stay happy as long as things go according to his or her expectations. As long as your ex feels in control of his or her emotions, your ex will keep distancing himself or herself from you and not worry about a thing.
Things will change for the worse only if your ex’s emotions spiral out of control and cause your ex to seek comfort and stability with another person.
That’s when your ex might decide to contact you and:
- see how you’re doing
- apologize for leaving
- ask for forgiveness
- rely on you for emotional support
- or get back together with you
Unfortunately, many dumpers don’t redevelop feelings. They merely feel guilty or lonely and want their ex back as a friend or occasional texting buddy. Such dumpers talk about non-relationship matters and disappear for days or weeks after reaching out and getting what they want.
You must keep that in mind so you don’t get your hopes up when you hear from your ex. Remember that your ex may just be checking up on you and that he or she probably hasn’t found a reason to redevelop romantic feelings. Romantic feelings require a strong emotional incentive.
They need dumpers to understand their happiness is at stake and that they need to act fast if they want to feel safe and purposeful.
A sense of urgency is one of the most important elements of getting back with an ex. It shows that dumpers are aware of the possibility that they could lose their ex permanently if they don’t lower their pride, get back in touch, and do what they need to reconnect.
So keep in mind that exes come back a third time when they encounter a problem they can’t overcome without their ex. Some irreversible problem hurts them and urges them to look for help from people that used to help them in the past.
Those people are their exes as they had a good connection with them until they decided to pursue happiness elsewhere.
Having said that, here’s when exes come back a third time.
Don’t look for signs that your ex wants you back a third time as you won’t find any. You’ll just stay hopeful and obsessed with your ex.
Always remember that dumpers come back when they’re ready and that your ex isn’t waiting for you to make the first move. Your ex is okay with how things are for now and will show you that he or she wants you back when he or she contacts you and shows interest in getting back together.
How to make a relationship work the third time?
To make a relationship work the third time, you’ll both need to learn from your mistakes before you get back together. You’ll need to understand why the breakup happened (twice) and what it requires from you to not break up again.
When you understand your mistakes and flaws, you’ll have to work on yourselves diligently and enter the new relationship with a healthier – “no breaking up” mindset. You’ll essentially have to value each other and remember the consequences of breaking up.
The new relationship will have to function differently. It will have to be based on healthy communication, honesty, openness, respect, and goals. You’ll have to be open to changes and growth and be understanding of each other’s differences (in opinion).
There’s no magic cure to making the relationship work the third time around. But you will have to try much harder than before. Harder means more effort and time spent bonding and resolving personal and relationship problems.
You’ll have to improve your relationship skills and deal with any doubts or temptations to leave and be with someone else.
You can do it, but you’ll have to want to stop breaking up. Long-term happiness won’t come on its own. You’ll have to earn it by investing time into parts of the relationship that need work.
I suggest you read a few books on how to maintain a romantic relationship. Even if you don’t learn anything (which is unlikely), you’ll become more self-aware and interested in making the relationship work.
You should also consider couples therapy. It may help you express yourselves (better) and make each other feel understood and loved. Therapy is great for couples with communication issues and a lack of self-understanding.
It enables them to establish healthy boundaries and become better partners.
So if your ex expresses the wish to be with you, make sure your ex is also prepared to invest in him/herself and the relationship. If you take your ex back on a whim, your ex will probably take you for granted again. It happened the previous two times, so there’s no reason for it not to happen again.
Your ex must learn a thing or two about gratitude and break the pattern of breaking up when things get tough. Only then will your ex stay with you when the relationship experiences issues.
I hope you’ve learned when and why exes come back a third time. If you have, share your thoughts below the post. Do so also if you have any questions or stories of your own to share.
However, if you’d like to talk to us privately, subscribe to breakup coaching. We’ll analyze your breakup and look for solutions together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
