Dealing With An Ex Who Won’t Let Go

If you’re dealing with an ex who won’t let go, you’ve got to know that blocking your ex and getting a restraining order against your ex are the last things you should think about. In fact, if you treat your ex with sympathy and respect you may not have to think about those options at all.

All you’ll have to do is be consistent and patient and give your ex enough time to detach.

And that’s because your ex will see that you’re mature and patient enough to support a person who’s struggling to let go. Your ex will see that you care about him or her not as a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but as a compassionate human being.

This alone will probably be enough to help your brokenhearted ex cope with anxiety.

Compassion might not be enough only if your ex lacks emotional strength due to a mental illness (depression, bipolar/borderline disorder, etc). But in that case, you need to be even more understanding and patient with your ex because your ex is having a difficult time accepting the unfortunate circumstances.

You must understand that a mentally ill ex is in no shape to fight for himself or herself, which is why your ex needs your understanding as well as professional help, medication, and time to detach. Your ex basically needs help and since you’re the main cause of the pain, you’re the person who can and should help your ex the most.

The thing dumpers forget or don’t understand is that letting go of a significant other takes time. How long it takes usually depends on how emotionally invested the dumpee is and on the length and the intensity of the relationship. If the relationship lasted 10 years for example and it was very serious or even codependent, it’s going to take the dumpee a long time before he or she can go through all the stages of grief and gather the strength to pull away.

It’s going to take weeks, months, or maybe even years. It greatly depends on the dumpee’s coping mechanism and the things the dumper says and does or doesn’t say and do.

Yes, your actions and inactions are going to play a big role in your ex’s detachment process as your ex currently lacks control over his or her emotions. Your ex is responsible for them, but your ex can’t control them due to the shock, pain, and grief that he or she is going through.

That’s why you need to be mindful of your ex’s emotional struggle and be on your best behavior. The kinder you are to your ex, the quicker your ex will heal, and the sooner you’ll free yourself from the responsibility of dealing with an ex who won’t let go.

Do keep in mind that you don’t need to pamper your ex, meet up with your ex, kiss your ex, or sleep with him or her. But you do have to assure your ex whenever reassurance is needed and help your ex feel that he or she is worthy of love and recognition as much as you are.

When your ex understands that you view him or her as an equal, your ex will have fewer reasons to get hurt and more reasons to heal and become independent. So before you expect your ex to feel the way you feel (detached and done with the relationship), remind yourself that your ex hasn’t had as much time as you to detach.

Your ex didn’t expect you to leave and is as a result, now forced to deal with rejection, separation anxiety, fears, and grief the only way that he or she can – by obsessing about you.

As a person who left, you have to be wary of your ex’s emotional health and make sure not to cause your ex any more pain.

You have to look past your smothering feelings and talk to your ex, reassure your ex, support your ex, and be there for your ex as long as your ex’s emotional health and well-being are directly connected to you. The only time you should let your ex deal with the breakup on his or her own is when you, your friends’, or your family’s health are in jeopardy.

The topic of this post is how to deal with an ex who won’t let go. We’ll discuss how to calm an ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend or ex-husband/ex-wife in a moral way without giving your ex false hope or making him or her feel worse.

Dealing with an ex who won’t let go

First of all, dealing with an ex who won’t let go can be very challenging. Not only do you have to be patient with your ex when you’re completely out of patience, but you must also reject your feelings of suffocation and repulsion and assist your clingy ex even though it’s the last thing you want to do.

Every fiber in your body is telling you to distance yourself from your ex so you can focus on your own wants and needs. But if you’re a mature, self-aware human being with strong morals, your thoughts and concerns don’t let you do that. They constantly warn you that you must help your struggling ex and by doing so, trap you in an uncomfortable position.

They make you feel that you have to help someone even though you yourself are struggling in different emotional ways. You feel smothered and angry (or depressed if that’s your reason for leaving the relationship).

No matter what you feel, you’re struggling in your own way, so you have to worry about yourself as your emotional health is extremely important. But you also have to make sure that your ex feels cared for and supported because your ex is dealing with a different kind of pain.

Unlike you who are in a position of power and in total control of the situation, your ex is at your mercy and needs you to give him or her some of your power back. Your ex wants to feel in control of his or her emotions and requires your cooperation in order to return to his or her usual self.

The easiest way you can give your ex what your ex desperately needs is to reassure your ex and provide closure (calmly tell your ex why you’ve decided to break up). Telling your ex the truth even if it’s a bit hard to hear won’t instantaneously heal your ex, but it will give your ex the information he or she needs to accept the breakup quicker.

It will also give your ex something to think about and improve (if it’s in your ex’s interest and ability to improve). So be honest with your ex from the start and answer any questions truthfully and patiently no matter how many times your ex asks them.

Bear in mind that your ex is asking them not to catch you in a lie, but to ease his or her analytical brain.

Once you’ve shared your thoughts with your ex, you also need to explain how you feel about your ex’s persistent behavior. You need to say that you appreciate his or her commitment to you but that you can’t reciprocate your ex’s feelings and that every time your ex tries to force you to reciprocate that it makes you feel even more repulsed.

This will tell your ex that it’s best not to talk about the breakup and your feelings and that he or she needs to be mindful of your emotions just how you need to be mindful of his or hers.

Here are 7 key points to remember when you’re dealing with an ex who won’t let go.

Tell your ex it’s best not to communicate for a while

When an ex can’t let go and keeps messaging you, your ex will most likely become emotionally reliant on you and constantly expect something from you. Your ex will want you back very badly and won’t be shy to let you know.

And that just won’t work for either of you as constant communication will keep your ex attached to you and make you want to talk to your ex even less.

So if your ex isn’t familiar with the no contact rule yet, tell your ex why it’s important not to communicate for a while. Tell your ex that the breakup has caused you to crave space and your ex the opposite—and that the only way you can communicate on equal terms again is if you get some space from each other and get through the negative emotions caused by the breakup.

You can also explain that desperation coming from your ex is extremely unattractive – repulsive and that you’re having a difficult time valuing your ex when he or she is treating you like a god and himself or herself as a person who lacks faith in his or her strength and capabilities.

Tell your ex that it’s okay to reach out to you if he or she is struggling with the breakup but that he or she shouldn’t reach out to you and beg and plead with you for another chance. That would smother you further, make you unreceptive, less willing to communicate, and ultimately, force even more anxiety and pain into your ex’s system.

So make sure your ex knows about the rules of no contact and is aware of the consequences of breaking no contact.

And also, just how your ex must know about no contact and stick to it at all cost, you must know what NC entails and avoid breaking it as well. You must stay in it and let your ex heal no matter what happens during no contact and how bad you feel for breaking your ex’s heart.

Don’t reach out to your ex when:

• it’s your ex’s birthday
• you feel guilty, sad, anxious, nostalgic, doubtful, worried
• you got promoted or accepted into a school
• something bad happened to someone you know
• your ex started dating again or got married
• you need a favor

If you’re not speaking to each other, you must let your ex rest so that he or she can heal once and for all. Reach out to your ex only if you have something extremely important to discuss or if want your ex back and you’re ready to put in the work.

Don’t give your ex hope

When I say tell your ex why it’s important not to speak to each other for a while, I don’t mean that you should say things like:

• We’ll see how we feel about each other in a few months
• I need some time to think about the breakup and decide what I want.
• I still love you.
• You’re the best bf/gf I’ve ever had

Saying things like that may get your ex off your back for a while, but it won’t help your ex get over you and feel better because your ex will think that there’s still hope for the relationship and that all he or she needs to do is wait patiently for you to magically open up your heart to him or her.

So don’t say anything that will keep your ex hopeful for reconciliation. Don’t give your ex hope by kissing, hugging, or having sex with your ex. That would make your ex think that you still have feelings for him or her and that it’s only a matter of time before you change your mind and come running.

Instead, be a man (or a strong woman) and tell your ex the truth right away. Say that you fell out of love because {insert your excuse here} and that you’d like some time to yourself to process the negative associations you’d developed during the relationship.

Tell your ex that you need time to yourself so that you can recover from the breakup in your own way—and that if your ex is ever in pain and needs answers that he or she is always welcome to message you.

But no matter how guilty you feel or how difficult the breakup is for you, don’t string your ex along. Don’t do it because lying to your ex, refusing to tell the truth, meeting up with your ex, and sleeping with him or her is going to empower your ex with hope and push back his or her recovery.

Here are a few things that will give your ex hope:

• liking your ex’s pictures and posts
• keeping your ex’s pictures on social media
• telling your friends how great your ex is
• giving your ex cowardly breakup excuses such as “it’s not you, it’s me”
• communicating with your ex
• saying you don’t know what the future holds
• calling and texting your ex
• meeting up with your ex
• being intimate or emotional around your ex

Moreover, don’t kill your ex’s hope either. Don’t say things like “there’s someone better for you out there” or “I’ll never forgive you and get back with you.” You shouldn’t give hope or conversely, crush your ex’s hope. All you should give to a person you left is space, sympathy, and support.

Be patient

Remaining calm and patient is going to be challenging, but you have to understand that your ex can’t and won’t feel better if you impulsively react to the pressure your ex is putting on you. Your reactive behavior is most likely going to make your ex feel unappreciated and disrespected and force him or her to crave your love and attention even more.

So keep in mind that dealing with an ex who won’t let go requires a lot of patience and maturity and that it puts your character to the test. It reveals who you are at the core—which is why only those who are self-aware and patient and have good impulse control can treat their dumpees with dignity and respect.

Such people know that their ex is in a lot of pain and that they are responsible for helping their ex deal with that pain. They know it’s the right thing to do.

As I said before, it’s not easy to deal with an ex who won’t let go, but dumpers need to understand that their ex isn’t desperate by choice. Their ex is desperate due to overwhelming fear and anxiety and shattered self-esteem.

So be patient with your ex and support your ex during one of his or her most difficult times. You would want the same if you were dumped and had no idea what to do next.

Don’t date anyone for a while

Your ex will most likely be watching your every move, so don’t immediately move onto the next person and expect an ex who’s in denial to take it well. The truth is that he or she won’t. Your ex will get very hurt by your self-centered behavior and as a result, doubt if you ever even loved him or her.

So instead of moving on to someone new while your ex is still in pieces, take some time to yourself and don’t date anyone. Don’t get involved with someone new because if you do, your ex will eventually find out about it and get hurt.

That’s when your ex will suffer a powerful emotional setback and possibly even blame himself or herself for your lack of patience, respect, and morals.

If you want to properly deal with an ex who has trouble letting go of you, remember that your ex can’t handle false hope, rejections, and seeing you date someone new. Your ex needs much more time to slowly accept the breakup, process the loss of hope, and redevelop self-esteem.

What if my ex won’t accept the breakup?

If your ex has a hard time accepting the breakup and insists on communicating and being with him or her, it’s of utmost importance that you remain resolute and unswerving. Keep reminding your ex that you care about him or her and that it hurts you a lot when your ex ignores your feelings and requests to get back with you.

That should explain that you want to help your ex feel better but that you’re also in a lot of pain and that your ex may not even be aware of it.

If your ex cares about your feelings, your ex will hear you and allow you to explain how you feel and why you feel that way. But if your ex is in too much pain to care about that, then it’s possible that your ex will keep insisting on getting back with you even if you keep your composure.

A highly emotional ex like this will need more patience and time before he or she gets out of denial and heals to a point where pleading no longer seems like a good idea. Your job as a dumper, therefore, is to provide reassurance until your ex has detached and made the emotional progress that will allow your ex to be independent.

You may not like it, but that’s what you have to do when you break up with your ex and cause him or her the worst kind of anxiety. You basically have to respond to your ex, reassure your ex, encourage your ex not to be afraid, and do anything within reason that can help your ex during his or her darkest hour.

The reason why breakups are so difficult for dumpers is not just because their ex keeps bothering them after the breakup. That is indeed part of the problem, but the biggest problem is that they lack maturity, self-awareness, sympathy, empathy, and patience.

They have no idea how their ex feels after the rejection. Or if they do know, they don’t care about it because they’re emotionally exhausted from the relationship and often even blame their ex for the way they feel.

Fortunately, though, you and your ex won’t always feel the way you do right now. If you treat your ex with dignity and care, your ex will eventually get used to a life without you and rebuild himself or herself emotionally. That’s when your duty as an ex-partner will come to an end and you’ll finally be free to do whatever you want.

As for your reward for properly dealing with an ex who wouldn’t let go of you, you’ll develop or improve your moral values, self-awareness, self-control, self-respect, patience, emotional intelligence, and karma.

What more could you ask for?

Are you dealing with an ex who won’t let go? What are some of the things you’ve tried so far? Share them with us below the post.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.