It goes without saying that no contact is hard—so very, very hard. Dumpees that find themselves heartbroken, depressed and more infatuated with their ex than ever before, start looking for answers to get their ex back.
Soon, they come across the no contact rule and begin to wonder how hard it can possibly be to stay away from their ex.
Some dumpees get blocked by their ex before they find this rule, and others find out very early on.
But no matter when you found out about this self-imposed restriction, you should always start following no contact as soon as possible.
It’s truly the one and only way for you to start feeling better and increase your chances with your ex.
Please note that throughout this article, we are only going to discuss the indefinite no-contact rule.
Any other rule is not a rule. 30, 45, 60 or any measurable number of days is not no contact.
Those “rules” should instead be called “hold on for x amount of days before you get hurt again.”
How hard is no contact?
If you’re new to no contact and you’re wondering how hard no contact actually is, you’ve come to the right place.
First of all, welcome aboard on your personal journey of healing, self-discovery, self-respect, and perseverance.
No contact is incredibly difficult when you first start implementing this rule. It consists of three stages that vary depending on how fresh your breakup is.
The first stage is the hardest as it appears right at the beginning of the breakup or the time when the dumpee is forced to follow this rule.
The second stage takes place once the dumpee is past the initial powerful emotions of heartbreak. is able to function independently, and live his or her life much more carefree.
And the third and last stage of no contact occurs when the dumpee is finally thinking about himself or herself more than the dumper and focuses strongly inwardly.
A friend of mine says, “No contact is like pushing a burning iron ingot into your skin over and over and over and over again.”
He’s definitely right about that.
It’s unquestionably difficult to start no contact as the emotional temptations of talking to our ex can easily outweigh our rational thinking.
Doubt and uncertainty caused by conflicting information on the internet don’t make our iron will any stronger.
Friends and family are also guilty of this as the advice they give can often be counterproductive. That’s why it’s important to stick to no contact indefinitely from the day we start following this rule to the day we hear from our ex.
Possibly even after that.
No contact can be tricky at times because emotions can make our hearts vulnerable and our minds fragile. In times of depression, no contact can be especially hard.
Since we wish to have contact with our exes many, many times more when we’re feeling down, our self-control is greatly at risk.
Because we are struggling immensely, we could say our strength and perseverance are being tested on a daily basis.
This internal battle of emotions is difficult because we are essentially going against our natural inclinations. Staying completely silent is exactly the opposite of what we truly want.
We aren’t in no contact because we love it (not at first anyway). But rather because our negative emotions are so out of control, it’s the only way to control our behavior, emotions, thoughts, actions—and prevent our dumpers from slipping even further away.
The no contact period is no piece of cake.
It’s one of the hardest things to do on this planet. Although I’m no drug expert, I’m very certain that the beginning of no contact can be compared to drug withdrawal—with the only difference that aftereffects last much, much longer.
Perhaps people detoxing from drug abuse suffer more in the actual moment, but not so much or so long in the following days, weeks or months.
How much pain should I be experiencing in no contact?
The indefinite no contact period of silence is the hardest to stick to in the first 7 days. As far as anxiety levels goe, no contact is the most difficult at the beginning and gets easier with each passing day.
This makes perfect sense, right?
As days go by, you might start asking yourself, “Should I be feeling this way in no contact? X number of days have passed and I still feel terrible. Why is no contact so painful?”
Anyone that has been in no contact will tell you that it gets easier. How much easier it gets depends on your self-esteem, receptiveness to pain, confidence and positive outlook, positive affirmations, emotional support, dating options, how you distribute your free time, and the information you receive about your ex.
There are probably hundreds of factors related to your healing, but that’s not the point. The idea of no contact is to be selfish.
Doing what it takes to make yourself happy should be your #1 priority.
The lessons people learn in no contact stick with them throughout their whole life.
Not only do they learn to combat stress and anxiety better than ever before, but they also learn to love themselves first in a healthy manner.
Relationship skills, healthy habits, and personal development follow right after.
If you’re feeling a lot of pain, try to find the silver lining in this horrible ordeal.
Without realizing, most dumpees are presented with the golden opportunity to evolve and improve massively.
Anxiety and pain are the best incentives for personal growth as they allow dumpees to grow in just about any field they lack in.
Accomplishments and goals that would normally take people months or years to achieve, most dumpees accomplish in a twentieth of a time. Sometimes even sooner.
Some of the things people achieve in no contact are:
- loss of weight and gain of muscle
- improvements of bad behavioral patterns
- quitting bad habits
- resuming school, getting a promotion, finding a better partner, making more friends, becoming genuinely happy with themselves
In no contact, the impossible becomes possible.
When human beings are faced with adversities and they get over the hurdle, their old best become their new worst.
The things they couldn’t do before, they easily overcome after they’ve worked on themselves.
And that’s what no contact is all about.
Pain in no contact is your friend. The more difficult it is, the more you will progress.
There is not one person in this world that didn’t learn through pain. Everybody goes through some sort of mental suffering or hard work to achieve anything positive in life.
In the book, Earl Nightingale’s Greatest Discovery, the author writes about succeeding and suffering.
He says; “There is no success without suffering. If you succeed without suffering, it is because someone has suffered for you. If you suffer without succeeding, it is so someone may succeed after you, but there is no success without suffering.”
Consider Earl Nightingale’s words of wisdom for a minute an use his brilliant realization to your encouragement.
As you already know, the old adage goes, “No pain, no gain.”
Only in your case, it’s massive pain which means massive gain.
Anxiety levels in no contact
If you’re in no contact or are tempted to give it a try, I would strongly encourage you to stick to it.
You probably already know that it won’t be easy to begin following this rule, but it’s definitely the best way to face your inner reconciliation demons.
No contact is hard but gets easier with each passing day.
I’ve asked around and conducted a quick research on how much anxiety you should or rather, could be experiencing in no contact.
Needless to point out, it differs for each individual. Some move on much quicker than others. Here’s an estimate of anxiety levels for the dumpees and the time it takes to get over the breakup.
The percentages in this graph display the levels of anxiety dumpees experience. The months, on the other hand, show the time it takes to ease it.
As you may notice from the graph, anxiety is overwhelmingly high during the first month or two.
and after that, the difficulty of no contact slowly subsides in the following months up until the 8th month.
That’s presumably the time when dumpees are more or less over their breakup. We could also say that the percentages in this graph depict the amount of time we think about our exes.
And when we think about our exes, anxiety surges through our systems.
What makes NC even harder?
No contact is hard to do because of overwhelming anxiety. What makes this indefinite period even harder is:
- conflicting no contact information
- over-boosted feelings of nostalgia
- reminders of your ex
- keeping photos, songs and videos of your ex
- refusing to follow all aspects of no contact
- reading love quotes and poems
- listening to sad breakup songs
- receiving false hope
- doubting no contact
- refusing to move on
- staying put in life
No contact is so hard because people don’t take it seriously and do nothing to work on themselves.
I know everybody isn’t crazy about bettering themselves and that’s okay. You should, however, go out of your house, stay active and explore the world.
No contact period doesn’t necessarily have to be just about improving yourself each and every day.
Doing something or anything you like keeps your mind off your ex and helps you feel better in the process.
There is no better medicine after the breakup than keeping busy. If you can’t do that right and just sit and cry, it will make no contact extremely difficult.
No contact VS contact
The only thing harder than no contact is contact.
You probably already know how difficult and painful it is to try to stay in contact with your ex and hope things would change for the better.
More often than not, dumpers will just string you along and use you to feel better about themselves. Their ruthless behavior—such as talking about their dates and the people they spend time with only hurts poor dumpees.
Hearing how great your ex is doing without you is not something you need in life.
So if you think staying in contact is easier than not staying in one, you are mistaken.
In my opinion, it’s best you protect your heart, self-esteem, health and anything internal you can protect—and cut your ex off.
Thinking you can crawl back into your ex’s life when he or she is bitter, angry and disinterested in you is mission impossible.
When you’re on your best behavior and you try your best for days and weeks and your ex is still bitter, it’s probably for the best that you distance yourself and do what’s best for you—and go no contact.
It won’t be easy to leave this person behind, but it will definitely be the best choice you’ve ever made. This is especially true when you’re the one doing all the contacting and chasing and your ex replies in a cold, disinterested way.
Staying in contact with your ex could:
- get you blocked
- reduce your value
- push him/her away
- show you have low self-esteem and low confidence
- make you act on impulse
- mark you as the crazy ex
- slow down your healing
Some dumpees believe they must showcase change to their ex by staying in contact. They think they need to sacrifice their own happiness for their exes.
But quite frankly, this kind of thinking is wrong on every level.
Nobody has the right to take happiness away from you and neither does your ex—no matter how much you’ve hurt him or her.
No contact is hard—but it’s the best thing you can do when your ex isn’t moving an inch.
Being kind and caring annoys your ex while being angry solidifies his or her decision for breaking up with you.
Getting even with your ex by getting on his/her level of bitterness causes arguments while begging for another chance pushes your ex further away.
There usually isn’t a way to directly get back into someone’s heart—especially if this person is young and immature and portrays extremely negative/toxic traits.
It will be difficult not to have your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in your life, but it’s definitely better than seeing him or her unhappy happy.
Not only does listening to your ex talk about his or her happiness ruin yours but it also prevents you from improving as a person.
As you may know, real growth happens behind the curtains. This means that as long as you experience inconsistent ups and downs, you can never focus fully on yourself.
And as long as you focus on your ex, you can’t improve as successfully as you otherwise could.
You can only grow as a person when you focus entirely on yourself and your shortcomings.
Honestly, there are no benefits to staying friends with your ex. Not a single one.
You may feel as if you’ve lost your best friend or someone important to you, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than what you’re prepared to bargain for.
Accepting this bad offer is a very desperate move. It feels like you’re being offered a piece of chocolate for the new iPhone.
That said, it’s an unfair trade to you because you know you’re worth more than what your ex is willing to give you.
Just because you aren’t close friends with your ex and you don’t feel connected to him or her anymore doesn’t mean you can’t be friends in the future.
You definitely can—and many people are good friends.
However, before you offer or accept your ex’s friendship, please get over the breakup first.
The best thing to do is to politely accept your ex’s friendship and go straight to no contact—as difficult as it seems.
If you pretend you’re besties with your ex, it could backfire at you, causing you more pain and sorrow.
Your ex will probably leave you alone for a while right after the breakup—which is what you need anyway.
No contact isn’t working for me!
No contact always works when you believe it does. This doesn’t only apply to your ex, but to you as well.
If you do this for yourself with the intention to move on, I can almost guarantee positive results.
Let’s take a look at what no contact recovery looks like in the chart below.
If we examine the happiness levels on the left and compare them to the days, we will notice how our happiness levels in no contact increase over time.
As we can see from the chart, our healing in NC is on an upward curve. Although we don’t often notice improvements, every day we feel a tiny bit better.
You may have noticed the big declines on the graph. Those are the setback days.
They are the worst thing dumpees have to battle when they remain in no contact.
Birthdays, anniversaries, common places, reminders and dreams are common triggers for setbacks. Sometimes, they also appear out of nowhere and dumpees have no choice but to face them.
The interesting thing about setback days is that every time a setback occurs, the broken-hearted dumpee’s lowest point increases a little bit. The lowest low becomes slightly better after each downfall and becomes almost parallel with his or her recovery (the highest high).
If you’re in no contact and find it difficult to cope because of setback days, keep in mind that you will feel better every time.
You may have days when you feel absolutely hopeless and devastated.
So when you find yourself in such situations, know that the time you stay devastated will decrease each and every time you suffer.
Just how your ex will get tired of his or her new life, you will become immune or more resistant to pain.
Consider this a blessing in disguise.
No contact is for you
By no means is pain good for you health-wise. It’s by far the worst experience you can put your body through.
Prolonged anxiety in no contact can be difficult to deal with. Depending on your stress-management techniques and abilities to battle pain, no contact can either be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do in life or just difficult.
Here’s how difficult dumpees say no contact is.
As you can see from the chart above, the majority of the dumpees interviewed 48 out of 63 (76.19%) find no contact extremely difficult by rating it 8-10.
The other 23.81% of dumpees gave no contact a difficulty rating between 3-7. A nd not a single dumpee gave it a 1 or 2.
Everyone deals with stress differently. Depending on the type of breakup you had, your attachment style and how you view yourself, it can take you a while before you start feeling better.
Don’t let that discourage you though. Everything in this world always takes time to improve and complete. And no contact is definitely not an exception.
If you can’t stop feeling better and you find no contact extremely hard and painful, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
No contact is about you, after all. So the sooner you get help, the faster you will recover.
Every day creates new challenges
Many dumpees wake up with overwhelming anxiety and check their phones and emails for messages of their ex. Afterward, they spend the next few minutes or hours easing their anxiety by focusing on their pain.
It’s very easy to allow anxiety and depression to get to you, so try not to succumb to its temptations.
If you are the happiest when you sleep and you wake up with overwhelming anxiety, please remember to do your best to distract yourself.
No contact is incredibly difficult, but it’s the only way to start feeling better.
Think of each passing day as a way to detox and detach from your ex.
NC takes time and effort
No contact is so hard to do because we repeatedly feel down, day after day, week after week.
Even though we always win against our worries, stress always comes at a price.
It affects our health, mood, energy, and motivation. No contact can feel as if someone is piercing or arm with a spear and is waiting for it to heal just to stab it again.
Emotional pain is not fun at all. Many people would prefer physical pain to emotional in a heartbeat.
Unfortunately, they don’t get to choose, so they must work with what they’ve got.
If you are struggling in no contact and wish the pain would end already, remind yourself why you started no contact in the first place.
Do what you can to get your mind off your ex by distracting yourself and keeping busy. No contact is difficult, but you can make it a bit less painful if you really, really try.
But for you to do that, you must sometimes force yourself to get out of the house and engage in both physical and mental activities.
Are you in no contact? If you are, how are you coping? Do you find no contact hard? What month are you in? Comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Was with my ex for 2 and half years. She dumped me due to our differences two months ago and it has been no contact since. Her birthday recently passed and I still didn’t break no contact but after I didn’t wish her happy birthday, I noticed she limited her Facebook profile to me. I can’t see much anymore. We had a semi long distance relationship and then I moved to make us closer. I’ve reflected on why our relationship failed, would love to share and would like to reach out but I was attempting to see if no contact would work. It has become incredibly difficult to stay in no contact. I am not sure what to do.
Hi John.
It’s normal to have good and bad days. Despite the ups and downs, stay committed to no contact and healing. Let her do what she wants online while you focus on getting the most out of the breakup. You don’t need to do anything but heal and self-improve.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
First and foremost I find your articles very informative. They give me a lot of hope for the future. My ex and I were in a relationship for 8 months. We broke up for multiple reasons. The main one being that he would always prioritize work over our relationship. He would go days without speaking to me & weeks without seeing me which left me feeling like I was the only person putting forth real effort despite trying to find multiple ways to compromise with him. . He is a business owner and I even volunteered to visit him at work but unfortunately that would be the only time I would see him.
Initially when we first started dating he made time for dates and intimate moments outside of work but after month 5, he just seemed to always have an excuse as to why things couldn’t happen or why he couldn’t spend time outside of work. Anyway the last straw for me was being ghosted for 7 days. I came across this article and decided to just go straight to no contact without saying anything to him. I blocked him on everything. (Social media, phone, etc)
In the past I have constantly asked him to spend more time or told him that I found it unacceptable to not hear from him at least once a day being that we are in a relationship. He agreed that it was doable and that he wanted the same, however his actions never aligned with his words. This time I decided to walk away without explanation because I had been expressing myself (& being called annoying for doing so) for the last 3 months to no avail. My question is, when does the lingering feeling of wanting him to see the light and come back ever go away ? I feel I made the correct decision by just going ghost as well, but a huge part of me still wishes that he will see the light and have a change of heart .
Hi Diane.
Your ex prioritized work over you. At first, things were new and he felt a strong desire to make time for you. But when he got to know you, he got comfortable with you and showed you who he really was. He showed you that he’s not relationship-focused and that he doesn’t intend to change.
You’ll detach when you’ve accepted the breakup and that he’s not coming back. I can’t say when that will be, but the more you focus on yourself and the fewer breakup mistakes you make, the quicker you’ll recover. So in other words, you’ll get yourself back when you let go of the hope of him coming back.
Sincerely,
Zan
Zan,
after my divorce i met wonderful woman, we fell in love, travelled and simply had great time. We planned to move in, buy a flat, even change surnames together…
But her kids neve accepted me.
Our agreement was that she will try to talk to them as they are grown up now (15 and 23), their father have new partner etc.
We took month apart so she can do it in peace and finally she called me to say she did that talk and that we should meet.
She sounded normal and when we met she described their talk and finished with – they say no. We can still be friends though.
I simply fall apart, tried to talk to her further but i could see it is over.
After few days of frantic massages and calls i simply went to no contact, and honestly, i died as a person i was before that.
Its only few days now, and it is hard.
Hi Bojan.
I know it’s hard, but imagine what it’d be like if you stayed together when her kids don’t like you. It’d be torture for everyone, so perhaps this is for the best. You have to get yourself back, Bojan. When you do, you’ll get attracted to other women again.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you, your response mean do much to me.
I’m glad it helped, Bojan.
Hang in there!
Zan
Met someone just 2 months after losing my husband. He was wonderful and even moved in with me due to Covid limiting rentals. The first nine months were really fun and we traveled and he helped me through my grief immensely and became my best friend. However, as he got closer to me it made me push him away and ultimately I damaged his heart big time. I said mean things I broke up with him multiple times and I crushed him. I’m not going to blame myself because my grief was immense and I was going through my own stuff. However, once he walked away I realized how great he was for me and I have wanted him back ever cents. We have gone back-and-forth but it’s never the same and he shows me very little attention and just his doing his own thing. I went into no contact and I made it about 60 days and then I broke it and he was ghosting me. However I had some mail of his and he ended up reaching out saying that we should meet up to do the exchange and bought tickets to a comedy show. I was so nervous and sat there feeling very awkward and it was just a friendly meet up right after the show he was quick to go. I have text a couple of times and he responds now without ghosting but they are breadcrumbs. My question is since a very small friendship is rekindling can there be an attraction to start again?
Hi Misty.
It’s hard to say if there’s room for attraction because if this relationship was short-term (6 months or less), he probably thinks he supported you a lot and got so little in return. He may not want to return to a relationship in which he felt victimized. The best thing you can do is work on yourself so that if he ever becomes curious about you and wants to rekindle the relationship that you look happier and more stable than before.
Even though you messed up here and there, this isn’t the time for you to apologize and prove your worth. This person has shut down emotionally and needs time and other things to become interested in speaking as friends or more.
Kind regards,
Zan
I met the love of my life 3 years ago, she has 3 boys and her last partner had committed suicide, we split up just after Christmas to give as both a break as affection from her was not great and I was struggling to get time from her on her own. So I thought I would go 6 mounths on a break and at the start of this mounth I tried and begged for her back which she said no as we just don’t work I am absolutely heartbroken and wished I’d maybe reached out to her before the 6 mounths. I also got told she is meeting up with someone who is a lesbian that she met at our friends wedding and I’m in total shock. I went round to her house after work with flowers to try and rekindle but got told no as we don’t work and she doesn’t see a future with me. I see a future with her and always have done and its breaking my heart she feels like this.
I’m now on day 10 no contact
Hi Tony.
Try not to take her rejection to heart. For some reason, she fell out of love with you and it probably doesn’t have much to do with you. I think your emotional needs due to different relationship expectations weren’t matching.
Go no contact. You’ll feel better soon!
Zan