Dumpees always want to know what their exes are thinking after they have had no choice but to go no contact.
They want to know whether their ex is thinking about them, misses them, secretly wants to talk to them, forgot about them or anything related to them at all.
In this article, I will share my observations, as well as my personal experiences with you.
I hope it helps you with your situation.
Relief stage
Right after the breakup, your ex feels extreme relief. It’s the first of the 5 stages of a breakup. In this stage, your ex wants absolutely nothing to do with you.
He or she is the happiest when you are not on his or her mind. People asking your ex questions, such as “how is your ex and have you spoken to her recently”, are extremely off-putting to him.
During this phase of great relief, your ex doesn’t want any reminders of you.
He or she will delete pictures of you off his Facebook, put gifts and photo albums in the bottom drawer (if not in the bin), and avoid anything that reminds him of you, such as people, locations, hobbies, etc.
Because your ex feels remarkably relieved after the breakup, he will do anything to avoid you like the plague.
This is an act of self-defense. In this way, he doesn’t have to deal with constant reminders of you wherever he goes or whomever he speaks to.
He doesn’t want any of that. Instead, he will often make new friends and create a new environment for him to feel safe in.
Your ex is choosing to stay in the comfort zone, where he doesn’t feel threatened and forced to be reminded of you.
Since thinking about you creates powerful emotions of repulsion, it’s both best for the dumper and the dumpee not to
As I often say, it’s best that your ex forgets about you for a while so that he doesn’t attach too many negative attributes to your post-breakup persona.
Your ex will do anything and everything in his power to avoid thinking and talking about you.
Because exes feel the need to leave their old life behind, it’s not uncommon for dumpers to do things we aren’t used to them doing.
Things, such as drinking and partying, hanging out with untrustworthy people, and anything out of character are very common.
Your ex isn’t just thinking “I have to do something new so I’m not reminded of my ex.” Your ex is actually feeling the need to shake things up and forget about you completely.
The easiest way to forget someone is to get busy with new and interesting activities. This works both for you and your ex.
Loss of identity
When your ex broke up with you, his identity broke as well. On the inside, he is still the same person as he were prior to the
By breaking up with you, your ex lost the identity he had developed throughout the relationship. Now that he is single, he no longer knows who he is, so he goes out and does crazy things you would never agree and approve of.
You are probably thinking this is not the person you fell in love with. If that’s what you’re
He or she resembles a descendant of hell itself – somebody completely unknown to you.
As I mentioned before, the devil your ex is portraying as at the moment is the person he was before you got in a relationship with him.
“Hold on a minute. My ex was a nice, loving and caring boyfriend/girlfriend, and would never hurt me.”
Unless you’re telling me your ex magically went from being a saint to a devil, changed the whole personality and characteristics in a couple of days, we have a lot to talk about.
See, your ex loved and cared for you at that time. He was on his best behavior, wanted to impress you and faithfully be the person you deserve to be with.
“So why isn’t he being that kind-hearted person now?” That’s pretty simple. If you consider his words and actions for a minute, you will discern that he no longer cares. He is treating you like a stranger – a person with no value to him.
That’s the reason why he has no respect for you. Your ex is thinking he no longer needs you and treats you exactly how he would treat any other stranger that he doesn’t care about. He is cold, apathetic, rude and insensitive.
He is feeling the need to stay away from you even if you haven’t done anything wrong. If you beg your ex to take you back during his relief stage, you could see a real demon come to the surface.
When you want to extort something from your ex by force — which is simply by talking to him, he is going to put up a “barrier of disinterest” so high, anything you say and do is going to come flying right back at you.
Because you are in a more vulnerable state than ever, it’s going to hurt you tenfold. If you allow him, his lack of care is going to damage your self-esteem to the point of severe depression.
You deserve better than this, so don’t let him diminish your value!
If this person you are dealing with cared enough, he wouldn’t want you to suffer. It’s up to you to decide what you want to think about him, but to me, a person who doesn’t care about my health and well-being is as good as dead to me.
What is my ex thinking in no contact during relief stage?
- I am so done with the relationship
- please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.
- she messaged me again.
Will she ever take the hint? - I don’t like her personality, friends, the way her family treats me, personal hygiene…
- our future would be so dark and miserable. I’m glad I broke up with her
- I feel so relieved. I can’t believe I waited this long to pull the plug
- she was horrible to me all the time. It feels so great to be single again
Elation stage
When your ex stops feeling like the weight’s dropped off her shoulders, she will both rationally and emotionally convince herself that she’s made the right decision. She now feels ecstatic and her life is full of new adventures.
Shaking things up clearly worked for her as she is happier than ever before. She feels content from the attention she is receiving elsewhere, and may even start dating again.
This is the stage where your ex seems like she’s on cloud nine. She will go to great lengths to explain to people how amazing her new life is, and mention all the little details that spice her life up.
No longer does she act in a horrific, condescending manner towards her dumpee, and instead talks more about her ideal life.
She goes from pointing fingers at the dumpee to focusing on her own happiness.
Because she is so content, she continues to post happy, exaggerated selfies on social media to further prove her point.
She won’t stop until the whole world acknowledges her new-found happiness. It’s almost as if this person is on a mission to show everyone how great she is doing.
Some of the things your ex is thinking in the elation stage:
- I feel so euphoric as if I won the lottery
- I hope my ex sees how well I’m doing
- life seems so much better now
- I really like the attention I’m receiving from those guys
- I wish I would always feel so alive!
NOSTALGIA AND COMPARISONS
After your ex’s rush of happiness runs off, the newness of his new life runs off with it. If he’s made any new friends since the breakup, they no longer feel that much fun.
Suddenly, things have slowed down, and your ex no longer feels euphoric. If he dated another person, it probably didn’t end well. Rebound relationships don’t have a tendency to last as your ex enters one for all the wrong reasons.
If he is with another person, he is now comparing the two of you on a regular basis. He is counting the positives and the negatives, and look for a reason to stay in a relationship.
If your ex is not dating, he is instead making comparisons between you and his single life. It happens all the time – especially when you are following a strict indefinite no contact regimen.
Now that he has the space to see what he’s lost, he can rationally discern your good points. Finally, he sees you for who you truly are and the value you brought to the table.
If you left cool as ice and let him do as he wishes after he’s broken up with you, he is going to reach his conclusion that much easier.
Here’s what he’s thinking in nostalgia and comparisons stage.
- My ex was better at preserving money than my new partner
- it wasn’t that bad when we actually agreed on things together
- I wonder if my ex has found someone else
- we had a lot of fun that day when we went to the beach
NEUTRALITY
In this stage, exes’ lives come to a complete halt. Dumpers no longer feel empowered by any post-breakup mistakes, such as begging and pleading.
New activities become less exciting, friends become just people to spend free time with, excessive partying and drinking gets boring, and the reality of what life is like without you starts to seep in.
In the neutrality stage, dumpers start tackling new problems that life is throwing at them.
Whether it’s finances, school, friends, kids, dating, family or anything people ordinarily struggle with.
These issues suddenly feel much bigger than they did when dumpers felt elated. Back then, they could easily sweep all their problems under the rug. In the neutrality stage, the reality catches up to the dumpers.
They have now run out of energy to ignore and avoid their problems and have no choice but to face them.
As long as a person is exuberantly happy, he or she feels as if all problems can be solved by giving them little attention and importance. Once a person returns back to his/her neutral state, that person now lacks the
Zandrive, and is forced to solve both past and present issues – sort of like drugs effects wearing off.
I often say that dumpers, just like dumpees, must also forget about their exes for a little while. This happens in the neutral state.
Dumpers are moving on without having their ex dumpees on their thoughts very frequently, and instead, focus on themselves.
They battle life problems on their own or with someone else and tend to forget about their past. It’s all a part of the moving on process. If our minds weren’t able to let go of the past, we’d all be in mental agony from burdens and the stress they cause.
In the neutral state, dumpers tend to think more about themselves and their own lives. Because they finally feel “normal,” life becomes difficult and challenging again.
They start experiencing stress to a higher degree, just like any normal human being. In some cases, stress comes back worse because they’ve been having so much entertainment and joy for the past months.
The idiom “too much of a good thing” definitely applies here. Unfortunately, most nice things eventually come to an end, and so does your ex’s euphoric mood.
When the “drug effect” runs off, he or she will now experience a wide array of old, as well as new challenging predicaments.
SADNESS AND REGRET
The last stage normally befalls once the dumper has completely isolated himself from the dumpee and stopped thinking about him or her.
The best way for your ex dumper to get to this stage is by going no contact and start moving on immediately after the breakup. In this way, you retain your dignity which is the only thing your ex can’t take from you.
When you keep your pride and show him or her that the breakup doesn’t affect you, your ex’s ego is eventually going to take a toll.
His self-esteem is going to plummet when he has been broken up with or couldn’t handle all the goodies life has to offer. This is the real reason why exes come back.
They come back when they are sad and miserable and you’re happy and vigorous. So when he is feeling down, and you remained a person of high value in his eyes, guess who suddenly looks like a crutch, meant for him to lean on for emotional support.
Mind over matter
Sending your ex love letters and calling her 50 times a day is never going to help her reach this state. It’s going to manifest quite the opposite.
Even if you only message her that you’re as happy as a clam and that you wish her all the best, it still empowers her.
The truth is that she’s on your mind, and you’re sitting at home writing letters to someone who isn’t worthy of your love. And what does that do? It prevents her from reaching this final stage.
This is why reaching out to your ex first is wrong in every way imaginable. It doesn’t plant any short or long-term seeds as some suggest. Your ex isn’t waiting for you to convince her that you are doing great.
What you are really waiting for is your ex to tell you she’s not doing well.
When your ex is sad and depressed, he will regret every bad decision he’s ever made. Breaking up with you could be one of them.
In this desperate state, he will do anything to help himself with his anxiety and issues at hand.
When people are depressed they blame themselves and express regret – regret to live a fulfilling life.
Zan
Some of the things your ex could be thinking :
- I’ll contact my ex and see if she still loves me
- I wonder how she remained so strong and independent
- she looks so happy on Instagram
- she was always there for me when I felt down
Conclusion
What your ex is thinking in no contact is strongly dependent on the emotional state he’s in.
Remember, people are emotional beings, and their actions are therefore controlled by what they are feeling in the present moment.
Thoughts and emotions are parallel to each other and are the deciding factor for your ex’s actions.
Just because he is feeling happy now, doesn’t mean it’s always going to stay that way.
I hope this article has helped you understand what your ex is thinking in no contact. Leave your thoughts in the commens section.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Dear,Zan May I ask you if you don’t mind you where talking allot about the mistakes post break up however in my case I contact him after he wished me happy birthday ,then we start talking and he push back like start blaming me and telling me there it’s not any chance he was nice then cold I could nt understand his reaction.I did the mistake to beg him for few months to give a chance because we were about to get maried and I even change my religion for him and his family for this to happen I am sorry I been so clingy but I was in a shock and depressed as well.After texting long chapters and doing this mistakes I finally give up because I got tired .I don’t need him anymore theu was he treated me I understood I did nt mean anything for him but do you think it was very wrong from my side to bother him for few months with text and few calls ? Actually I know the answer :)) thank u anyway God blesses you
So my girlfriend broke up with me three weeks ago. It seemed like your classic case of loss of attraction. But by her own admission, it only happened over the course of a week. I think these feelings were triggered by an extreme depressive low she has started to enter. I have always been patient and understanding. We were together for 8 months and I got her out of a really bad situation when we started. But when I offered some advice, she blocked my number and my social media and everything. I went into no contact immediately after that and have not seen her since. Based on this information, do I still have a chance.
Hey Zan,
This whole breakup has been a complete and utter nightmare!! I have 12 years clean but used to be an addict and this affected me mentally stronger than that did!! I was with my ex GF for 3 years, we were very much in love and best friends also until Nov 2019. I had health issues and after we discussed it we both decided it would be a tough year but I needed to quit my job to take care of my health. As a man sitting around all day with my GF paying for everything was Hell!! I got depressed, lost weight and the confident man I was got needy. Daily life started getting repetitive. She never lead on anything was wrong, still intimate, I love you, sleeping on my chest nightly but then dumped me in late Oct this year over a text. Gave me little to no reason, I was in shock since we had future plans, a life together so I begged and tried to reason with her. She proceeded to have me move and then the fun started. Bashing me all over social media, Im a narcissist, Im toxic, even Im Satan and not human? Started comparing notes with my son’s mother who she hated to reinforce her decision. I never said anything bad, I treated her very good but her reasons were I owe her rent money and since I couldn’t work all year she lost respect for me. I instantly put on 20 pounds in gym, got a new good job and started paying her money. Her dad broke his neck 3 days after split and had to move in and our dog died on Xmas eve, and she totaled her car. I was the whipping boy for all these things but I supported her, gave her $2800 for new car down payment, bought her a giant portrait of her with the dog. She started acting nicer but confused, kept my photos on social media, never changed status to single and no rebound almost 3 months later. Last weekend I pushed too far, got blocked on everything, had her family block me also so I started no contact. I still have house keys, her lingerie, a lot of stuff there. She won’t just finalize this one way or another, I ask for my stuff back and if I should move on and if she wants her keys back but she reads it and ignores it? Still stalks my social media. She is a L.C.S.W and almost a psych nurse practitioner in a local dual diagnosis unit. She has lost a parent and brother to mental health, substance abuse, suicide in the past. WTF does all this mean, my sweet caring loving GF turned into a monster, is so mad about money but knew I couldn’t work and is acting so far out of character. How do I either get unblocked, get closure or fix this with her and rebuild. I treated her very good, cooked for her every evening and this is our 1st breakup and 1st fight ever!!
have you considered she is the narcassitic person if so research it and whats called discard phase.
I am the dumper and initially I told her breaking up wasn’t the reaction I wanted this did not change her mind much, I stayed in contact with her on and off for about six months mostly on me trying to make matters right I know she is hurt and all of a sudden she blocked me from her phone I confronted her about it and have let It at that with no contact from me or her.
Ι love your blog and find almost everything that you write extremely insightful and helpful. However, I have a question. During the first phase that you mention, my ex presented a mania with my circle of friends. He dumped me. In the worse possible manner and after that he started liking, hearting and sending birthday wishes to all MY friends on social media. He even wished me a happy nameday. He still keeps our common photos and everything. I am really wondering why he does that. Is it some kind of effort to keep a good profile? I really don’t know. He even liked two of my posts… (is been only 1.5 months since we broke up and due to the really sudden way it happened plus some other clues, I tend to believe there is another woman involved).
I am in no contact from day 1. Really struggling through but I do prefer keeping my self esteem intact than reaching out.
Thanks for reading – waiting for your insight!
Hi Lilium.
Yes, I believe your ex is trying to portray himself in the best light possible in his circle of friends. By showing others he doesn’t despise you, he indirectly gains their recognition. And that’s good enough for him because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Especially not after dropping you in a cold manner.
Keep your self-esteem and stay strong, Lilium.
It’s the fastest way for you to recover.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I love your reaction!
Was right what i needed at that moment.
At the moment i am looking for different options for my dog. Would you suggest i put my dog there once in a while or keep it away during the full no contact period? I can fix it with her parents and stay in NC this way.
The dog is part of me after all.
I’m having a rough time today since it was her birthday yesterday. She kept open doors all the time ( Maybe out of fear of losing the dog, maybe to preserve a plan b when her gigs wear off, but mind reading is impossible and irrelevant i know that much)
I have not sent her a happy birthday, thanks to your article. Yet i feel very Rude today because i did not, i get the idea that i’m closing the last open doors myself out of fear of getting hurth even more.
She did indeed mention losing attraction to me.
Your articles help me through some anxiety, thank you for these.
Kind regards,
Tony
Hey Zan!
I love your content!
I see your comments are worthfull and helping people out.
I’d love to bring you my story, and see how you look upon this :
So me and my girlfriend broke up 2months ago after a 7y and 3month relationship (of which we lived together for 3years.)
Before the actual breakup i did some begging and pleading. At the day of the breakup i wrote her a hand written letter saying that i’d do anything for her.
Worthless to say this did not affect her at all.. So we broke up and she gave it all kinds of reasons. We took eachother for granted and she had been with me since her 17th birthday. She has mentioned this alot thinking she missed out on her youth. Also the fact that i did not do anything special with her anymore , and quit working on myself.
I directly went no contact after but through deep introspection. I gave her a fixable reason why she broke up with me (Being my weed addiction). I made the mistake of constantly hanging around her mother during this no contact period.. so after 1month and a week i gave her a message stating that my weed addiction is the reason why everything went wrong.. did not want to bring her defaults in cause i was afraid to lose her. The message was very balanced and said i quit smoking weed and stating all the positive changes i made. Hoping we could build up a new foundation to give our relationship a new start, no pressure on her. I still felt An emotional connection that day. So i was very confused. Went another 3weeks of no contact after that and asked her to go walk with the dog together. I’ve been working on myself to grow in every possible way since day 1 she left. Quit smoking weed since day 1 she left and been climbing, swimming and going to the gym.. thought i could show her my progress so i tried. Just to hear her say : i’m enjoying single live. I love the freedom i have now.. i can do whatever i want whenever i want. Which i replied to: i never kept you inside or was never jalous if you went out Alone..
A bit after she Starts talking about a friend of mine who keeps texting her late at night.. And after that she said : I was so drunk at carnaval in town, some boy just followed me to the restrooms and tried to kiss me.. but he was ugly.. Here i replied. Tbh i’m not interested in these kind of stories.. she directly replied as if you did nothing yet? So because she said all this i noticed i had a relapse of the breakup and my anxiety went through the roof after the walk..
We did have some laughs together tho but it was like talking to another person that day.. She used the reason of my weed addiction to friends and family but to me it seemed as if she had more of the GIGS since she had been together with me since 17y old.
One detail i forgot to share : i kept sharing my dog those 2 months bringing it to her place when i went to work ( i work 12h day or nightshifts) and picking her up after.. My reaction to the walk was the day after i went to get my dog and key from my house which they still had. Decided that it was better for my mental health to stop sharing the dog since it is my dog. Her response was to immediatly text me about the key followed by what we were going to do with the household stuff i still had. We worked out a price for that stuff without any discussion. I did not want to fight over materialistic things. But after that i sent her i’d like you to change your adress as Well . Wish you the best and I respect the freedom you clearly want. She replied and I wish you the best and the dog also..
Now i’m planning to go full no contact. Do you think i ruined my chances? It’s been a week and I feel guilty for cutting those last strings myself 😪
Anyways thank you for taking the time reading this. I wanted to give you a full view of the situation.
Kind regards!
Hi Tony.
Thank you for sharing with me.
It always hurts to see a good relationship come to an end. It’s definitely one of those GIGS situations where exes first start playing with the idea what single life would be like until it becomes more than just a thought. Soon, it turns into more than just a fancy idea and then they actually start feeling repelled by your presence. You were likely just being yourself, minding your own business until she had enough and exploded. By no means was it your fault. Far from that. I doubt you were needy, controlling or suffocating in any way from what you’ve told me.
Smoking weed is most likely just an excuse to give to her friends. If one of my friends told me she broke up with her boyfriend because of weed, I’d give her a long, confused look.
It’s possible she lost attraction towards you. Maybe other boys have been pursuing her for a while and she fancies the idea of being desirable by someone else again. She clearly isn’t aware of your feelings and will say and do whatever is on her mind. For that reason alone, I think staying in no-contact is your best option. Not only will you prevent her from hurting you further, but you will also allow her to get on with her GIGS. If she thinks she can do better, you must allow her to explore. And if she comes back, it’s up to you to decide if she’s worthy of you.
Normally, the sooner you go NC, the better. In your case, you haven’t pushed her away, so at the very worst, you mentally kept her right where she was on the day of the break-up. Only time will tell how your story unfolds.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Tony,
Thanks for sharing with us. I feel like I’m in same boat wherein my ex girlfriend was not able to mention any reason for the breakup and would come up with new reason everytime I would reach out. It was more like she was trying to convince herself about the decision she took.
I kept reaching out once in two weeks for 2 months. The last time I reached out, she said that she is not going to reply anymore out of pity but I did not beg or talked about the relationship. So that’s when I stopped reaching out. It’s been 2 months since that.
Would it be possible for you to share if there has been any update from end since your NC implementation.
Hassan i have a similar story like yours and it happened in October…i would want to know how your situation is faring on…