Falling out of love with someone is way harder than falling in love.
Falling in love often feels effortless, as it’s fueled by chemistry, curiosity, validation, and the thrill of discovery. It happens naturally when you find a person you connect with and see yourself getting close to. On the other hand, falling out of love requires conscious effort. You have to love yourself more than your ex, rewrite the narrative you built around your ex, and come to terms with the fact that your hopes and dreams for the future no longer include your favorite person.
It concludes only you and your support system.
Post-breakup detachment is essentially a grieving process without a funeral, where you must rely on yourself to process difficult emotions and convince yourself why the breakup is good for you, especially in the long run. You must accept that your ex no longer loves you and that he or she left you no option but to physically and emotionally distance yourself from him or her.
Distance allows you to think clearly, see your ex for the person he/she is, and get rid of feelings that no longer serve you. If you were to hold on to your ex and allow yourself to feel hopeful about your ex coming back, you wouldn’t just waste your time, but also make yourself feel obsessed, weak, and miserable.
You’d stay emotionally dependent on your ex and scare your ex off the moment he or she checked up on you.
Whether you want your ex back or move on with your life, it’s important to stop loving your ex. You can do this by focusing on your wants and needs and deepening your love for yourself. Healthy self-esteem will prevent you from analyzing everything your ex said and did, reduce the number of breakup mistakes you make, and allow you to see your ex’s mistakes, flaws, and incompatibilities. The higher your self-love and the stronger you feel emotionally, the less you’ll love your ex, think about your ex, and need your ex to validate your broken heart.
Therefore, the solution to stop loving your ex lies in understanding that you love your ex so much because your ex stopped loving you and triggered your insecurities and cravings. Your ex reduced your supply of happy hormones, making you think that you love your ex and can’t live without him/her. In reality, you’re going through emotional withdrawal and struggle to love yourself. You can’t love yourself because you’re attached to your ex and haven’t forgotten all the nice things your ex has said, promised, and done for you when the relationship was at its peak.
Due to the shock of the breakup and lack of happiness, you now analyze the breakup, fantasize about getting back together with your ex, and wonder what you can do to feel loved and secure again.
I know it’s hard to have one-sided feelings for someone you planned on staying with for the rest of your life. I’ve been rejected by my ex too, so I remember how badly I needed my ex to come back and say she loved me. I felt hurt, so I obsessed over us getting back together and refused to delete our pictures and conversations. Rationally, I knew she didn’t deserve me, but emotionally, I wasn’t able to let go. I was her prisoner as I couldn’t shake off my feelings for her and regain my emotional independence.
Initially, I analyzed the breakup in and out and dreamed about her nearly every night. She was on my mind all day, every day, and made me feel emotionally exhausted. That was my lowest point in life, as I couldn’t perform even the simplest tasks. It took me about a month of no contact to clear my head and realize my ex was no angel, and that I needed to focus on her bad personality traits and deeds. By focusing on what she did wrong rather than right, I was able to take her off the pedestal inch by inch, until she eventually stopped mattering to me.
It took months for me to stop seeing her romantic value and detach, so don’t think you’ll be able to stop loving her in a matter of days. Some people get over their exes quicker than others, but that’s because they’re partially detached, have been through a breakup before, or love themselves more. They have healthy or high self-esteem and know that exes belong in the past, not the present or future.
How you talk to yourself and whether you believe what you’re saying is super important. Your internal dialogue determines how you perceive yourself and your ex and whether you’re committed to moving on without your ex. If you’re set on moving forward rather than backward, you’re on the right track, even if it doesn’t feel that way. That’s because you’re teaching yourself to resist acting on temptations to talk to your ex and try to make your ex love you.
As a dumpee, it’s necessary to give up on changing how your ex thinks, feels, and acts toward you. You may want your ex to like you and respect you, but this won’t happen when your ex needs space and feels like a victim. Your ex might ask for friendship, but probably not while he or she is still in the process of enjoying freedom and finding him/herself. Your ex will first need to do the things he or she has been meaning to do and realize you’d make a decent friend.
So if you want to know how to stop loving your ex, start by changing how you view your ex and yourself. Improve your perception of yourself and worsen your perception of your ex. It will help you stop idealizing your ex and wean off your ex.
Also, get busy with things you enjoy and stay active. You don’t want to stay at home and do nothing. If you do nothing, chances are your thoughts will drift back to your ex and intensify your feelings and obsession. You’ll want your ex to reach out very badly and admit that leaving you was the worst decision of his or her life.
You’ll crave your ex’s reassurance less if you have less idle time. That’s why it’s extremely important to have a purpose outside of your relationship with your ex. A meaningful life will significantly lower the amount of time spent analyzing breakup matters and show you that your ex isn’t the only reason to live for. You have plenty of other things to enjoy and look forward to.
So think about ways to keep yourself busy. Socialize with friends and family, learn new things, take up new hobbies, travel, excel at work, focus on studies, get in shape, or do anything that prevents you from thinking about your ex, even for a minute. It will be difficult not to obsess about your ex at first, but the busier you are, the more you’ll get used to not having your ex around, and the longer you’ll go without experiencing intrusive thoughts.
It’s okay to think about your ex 24/7. Most dumpees feel invalidated, develop an obsession with their ex, and idealize their ex. They confuse their separation anxiety with love and compatibility and wish for things to go back to normal. On average, they need about 8 months to get through the breakup and stop wanting their ex back. They may need longer when they’re codependent, lack self-love, crave closure, beg for attention, or have unrealistic expectations.
In this article, we break down practical ways to stop loving your ex.
Why do I still love my ex?
If it’s been just a few weeks or months since the breakup, it’s normal to still be hung up on your ex. The breakup triggered your worst fears and made you extremely anxious. You can’t process the rejection as quickly as you’d like to, so you remain attached to your ex and crave your ex’s attention and love.
You wish your ex would come back to empower you and ease your suffering.
It’s normal to be infatuated with your ex months after the breakup. Most dumpees feel rejected and desperate for recognition. They want their ex to make them feel important and give their life joy and meaning. Because they’re attached and hurt, they hope their ex will take mercy on them, take them back, and make them happy.
Little do they know that their ex is going through completely different stages – the dumper stages, and that he or she needs to enjoy life and fail to consider coming back.
The reason you still love your ex is that you haven’t been able to detach yet. You still crave your ex’s affection and hope to reconcile with your ex. You need more time to regain control of your emotions and devalue your ex in your eyes. I can’t say how long you need because it depends on what you’re doing and not doing.
If you’re constantly stalking your ex’s social media, talking to your ex, and doing your ex favors, you probably need quite some time and only have yourself to blame. You lack breakup boundaries, so you’re forcing yourself to stay close to your ex and delaying your recovery.
Your job is to figure out if you’re making breakup mistakes and making healing difficult for yourself. Ensure that you’re promoting your detachment rather than crawling closer and closer to your ex.
Also, ask yourself if you have the support you need to get through the breakup. Breakups take longer to process when dumpees keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Those who hold their pain inside and ignore their need to express themselves often stay hurt and prevent themselves from letting go.
If you have no one to talk to about your problems and feelings, or the people you talk to don’t help much, find a professional to confide in. A professional will encourage you to express yourself and work on things that help you regain your emotional independence.
Just make sure to give yourself time to stop loving your ex. Setting deadlines for healing can lead to frustration and disappointment.
That said, here’s why I think you might still love your ex.
How to stop loving your ex?
To heal and get over your ex, you must keep your ex far away from you. The farther away you keep your ex, the fewer emotional setbacks you’ll encounter and the quicker you’ll fall out of love with your ex.
Everyone can fall out of love with the dumper, including you. But to do that, you must understand that certain actions and inactions keep you attached and obsessed with your ex.
The most important thing is to detach emotionally and focus on doing what needs to be done. Don’t expect to leave your ex behind if you constantly pester your ex and try to get close to your ex. Needy, unsolicited behaviors overwhelm your ex and get you rejected.
Rejection then reopens your wounds and makes you even more desperate for love.
So learn more about healthy breakup behavior and determine if you’re handling the breakup wrong. If you are, you should change your approach from actively engaging to calmly stepping back and allowing yourself to detach and move on.
Moreover, if friends give you false hope by saying your ex will definitely come back, that’s not a good thing. They may be trying to help you feel better in the moment, but it’s not helping you in the long run. It’s better to face honest advice than to keep chasing the hit of validation you’re still craving from your ex.
If you want to stop loving your ex, you must accept your feelings and start no contact. Stop idealizing the past and blaming yourself for your mistakes. The key to getting over your ex is to forgive yourself and your ex and eliminate the reasons for feeling angry and hurt.
Share your feelings with your friends and people who listen. If that doesn’t work for you, you can always start journaling or seek professional help. Expressing your thoughts and feelings will allow you to feel heard and reduce your anxiety.
Make sure to also avoid dating new people. Getting involved with new dating prospects too quickly will make you miss your ex more and cause you to rebound in the end. Always remember that you’ll heal quicker if you focus on yourself instead of others.
Did you learn how to stop loving your ex? Do you have any tips of your own to share? Post them in the comments below and help other dumpees going through a difficult breakup.
However, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 advice on dealing with breakup feelings, reach out to us. We’ll analyze your situation and provide personalized guidance to help you move forward.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
