When I was going through my breakup, I spent a lot of time on YouTube, looking for explanations and solutions for my angry and unreceptive ex. I wanted to believe that my ex still had some feelings for me and that she would eventually come back. Because I looked for hope, I found exactly what I was looking for.
I found Youtubers who claimed that anger was way better than indifference. I was in a lot of pain and didn’t know much about breakups at the time, so I let them convince me that my ex still had some feelings for me. She wouldn’t be so upset unless she still loved me.
So I thought…
It wasn’t until months later that I noticed that anger and romantic feelings have nothing to do with each other. They’re not connected because an angry ex is frustrated with the dumpee’s current or past behavior and/or a lack of space. The last time I checked, frustration and suffocation were not a good thing. They clearly show that the dumper doesn’t have enough respect, space, and time to focus on people and things that he or she wants to focus on.
Because the dumper keeps remembering the past and can’t self-prioritize and do what he or she wants, he or she becomes angry whenever the dumpee is around and/or tries to interact/ask for something. The dumper’s anger intensifies quickly and makes it much harder for the dumpee to get close to the dumper again.
So if you want to know whether an angry ex still has feelings for you, you have to understand that post-breakup anger and relationship anger are two separate things. In a relationship, your partner might get angry at you for something you did or didn’t do. He or she will express it but also get over it in a relatively short amount of time. The issue will be fixed and you’ll go back to normal as a couple.
In a breakup, however, your ex will hold on to anger for a long time. Every or almost every time you communicate, he or she will appear angry, cold, or distant. That’s what we call a defense mechanism. Your ex uses it to push you away and protect himself or herself from reciprocating emotions and doing things he or she doesn’t want.
If you’re receiving angry responses from your ex after the breakup, it means that you’re doing something you’re not supposed to. You’re initiating calls, texting or multiple texting, prolonging conversations, talking to your ex in public or at work, stalking your ex, threatening, involving your ex’s friends and family, begging for another chance, or simply showing your ex you still have expectations and feelings.
Whatever you’re doing, your ex wouldn’t be angry if you weren’t around. Your ex might feel victimized, but he or she wouldn’t feel the need to lash out at you. That means you must consider your ex’s anger a bad thing and respect your ex’s feelings, decisions, and boundaries. Show your ex that you accept the breakup and have healthy self-esteem.
Your ex will view you in a more positive light if you don’t give him or her a reason to get angry and treat you badly.
Don’t forget that your ex wants the opposite of what you want. You want to reconnect romantically and redevelop love while your ex wants space and time to take his or her mind off the relationship. Your ex doesn’t want to be reminded of you. This includes your presence, mistakes, and romantic expectations.
If your ex sees that you want things he or she doesn’t want to give, your ex may feel guilty and pressured. He or she might react angrily and demonstrate non-verbally that you crossed his or her boundaries and expectations. Anger would then worsen your ex’s perception of you and make it harder for your ex to respect you and love you.
If your goal is to reunite with your ex, you must avoid making your ex angry even more. Avoid hurting, guilt-tripping, pressuring, and saying or doing things that anger your ex and make him or her want even more space and time. It’s not a guarantee that your ex will want you back, but if your ex only feels a bit angry, your ex probably won’t become resentful.
Not unless your ex talks badly about you and intentionally devalues you.
Mature dumpers don’t do that. They may not have any feelings, but they don’t lose all respect for their ex. Somewhere deep inside, they feel grateful for their ex’s good deeds and commitment and also feel bad for hurting their ex.
They get angry only if their ex contacts them and asks to get back together. Demanding/unattractive behavior puts dumpees in a position of weakness, empowers dumpers, and allows dumpers to become angry and act mean. The angrier they become, the less they care about making dumpees’ lives difficult.
That’s why dumpees must consider their ex’s emotions and do their best to avoid angering their ex. They must find alternative ways to increase their self-esteem and feel in control. Their ex can’t help them; especially when he or she feels pressured and needs space.
The dumper can give closure and help the dumpee love him/herself better only when he or she has processed the breakup and feels respected by the dumpee.
In this post, we talk about angry exes and whether they still have feelings for their ex.
Does an angry ex still have feelings?
The only angry ex who has feelings is an ex who breaks up to force the dumpee to care more. Such an ex leaves and hurts the dumpee with the intention of receiving a caring response. A response that empowers the dumper and lets the dumper get his or her way.
So unless your ex left you to extort power from you, consider your ex’s feelings gone. It’s safer for you to do that than to lie to yourself and pretend that anger = love. Post-breakup anger is not anger. It’s a combination of stress, pressure, and hatred. You can’t change how your ex feels through communication, kindness, and love. Your ex has to see your romantic value on his or her own.
That’s the only way your ex will feel drawn toward you romantically and try to have a romantic relationship with you.
Don’t assume your ex still has feelings just because you were together for months or years. How your ex thought and felt before the breakup is irrelevant. What matters is how your ex perceives you now that the relationship has ended. If your ex’s perception of you is unhealthy or if he or she sees you as just a friend, your ex doesn’t have any feelings and won’t have them for a while.
Your ex will probably continue to blame you for your pre-breakup, breakup, and post-breakup behavior.
It’s important to not try to stop your ex from feeling what he or she feels. You may badly want your ex to reciprocate your feelings and be with you, but your ex currently isn’t able to do that. Your ex is going through the dumper stages of a breakup and needs time to let go of negative feelings and associations.
Once your ex has fully processed things, your ex will need a good incentive to fall back in love with you. This could be a romantic rejection, another breakup, or something painful and self-esteem-breaking. That’s when your ex will lower his or her ego and express the desire to be with you.
For now, you must remember that your angry ex lacks feelings and that he or she has to feel positive emotions for a while. Your ex has to do things that make him or her feel good. Your ex can do that by hanging out with friends, making new friends, focusing on work, and even signing up for Tinder and dating other people.
I know you don’t want your ex to connect with others, but this isn’t something you can prevent. If your ex wants to talk to others, he or she will do that. Your ex is likely emotionally ready to start a new relationship. Only depressed dumpers and dumpers who were forced to dump their ex need time to detach.
But even such dumpers recover quicker than ordinary dumpees as they’re the ones who made the decision to leave.
Dumpees don’t have much power. They’re forced to accept the breakup and let their ex feel anything he or she wants to feel. If the dumper wants to struggle financially, he or she must be allowed to struggle. Likewise, if the dumper wants to be angry, he or she must be allowed to be angry.
The dumpee must be okay with anything the dumper thinks, feels, and does. Anything that doesn’t cross his or her boundaries, of course. If the dumper reaches out to be friends and/or talk about random things, the dumpee shouldn’t tolerate it. He or she should deal with breadcrumbs quickly and confidently. That way, the dumper can see that he or she isn’t highly desirable and friendship-worthy.
The dumpee must make the dumper think that he or she has regained his or her composure and stopped obsessing about getting back together. When the dumper thinks that, he or she can redevelop respect, curiosity, and even love if circumstances allow it.
Until that happens, the dumper won’t feel the need to let go of anger and get close to you physically and emotionally. On the contrary, the dumper will keep his or her distance and hold you responsible.
So does an angry ex have feelings?
It’s extremely unlikely. It’s much more likely that your ex has developed feelings of deep-rooted resentment and doesn’t feel connected with you. Your ex feels disconnected and likes feeling that way because it gives him or her a sense of power and control. For the first time in a long while, your ex gets to be in complete control over his or her life.
Your ex doesn’t want to give up control unless he or she realizes that breaking up with you was a mistake or that you’re no longer a threat.
With that said, here’s why an angry ex likely doesn’t have feelings for you.
How to help your ex calm down and develop feelings?
You probably already know that you can’t help your ex by reaching out and offering to help your ex cool off. You can be most helpful by stepping away from your ex’s life and letting your ex process negative feelings naturally. Your ex will process them as long as he or she has enough space to self-prioritize and avoid interacting with you.
Slowly but surely, your ex will stop being angry with you. Your ex won’t have a reason to be angry because you won’t give your ex one.
You’ll mind your own business and wait for your ex to see that you’re not chasing, accusing, manipulating, or making your ex feel emotions he or she doesn’t want to feel. Instead of pressuring your ex to feel like you and do what you want, you’ll distance yourself and encourage your ex to breathe.
Initially, your ex won’t think about you much. He or she will be glad that you’ve stopped bothering him or her with your wants and needs. After a while, though (likely months later), your ex will process the breakup and become curious. He or she will want to know how you’re doing and what you’re up to.
That’s when your ex will consider reaching out and breadcrumbing you.
As a dumpee, you must understand that it’s not your job to help your ex stop feeling angry. Your ex is responsible for his or her feelings just like you’re responsible for yours. If your ex wanted your help, your ex would have told you so. He or she would have directly or indirectly asked for explanations, validation, or something only you can provide.
Since your ex didn’t do that, it’s fair to assume that your ex doesn’t want any help. He or she will be the happiest if you focus on your emotional well-being and put your ex in charge of his or hers.
As for romantic feelings, they won’t return on their own. Your ex will likely have to fail in some important way, engage in retrospection, and consider you a worthy investment. He or she will likely have to get hurt and change how he or she thinks about him/herself before feelings come back.
So don’t expect your ex to want you back before he or she discovers your worth and ways in which he or she can benefit by reconnecting with you. Expect your ex to stay away and be angry. Especially when your ex feels trapped, disrespected, unheard, used, or blamed. This is your ex’s cooling-off period. You mustn’t act on pain and disturb it.
As difficult as it is, you must let your ex take care of his or her emotions alone. That way, your ex will learn to respect you and perhaps even become curious and nostalgic.
Time is on your side. The longer you give your ex, the quicker you and your ex will process difficult breakup emotions.
In conclusion, work on letting go of hope. Do this by reminding yourself that an angry ex likely doesn’t have feelings for you at the moment and that he or she will let you know if those feelings ever resurface. This process could take years—or it might never happen at all.
While you wait, focus on detachment and self-improvement so that you don’t put your life on hold for someone who isn’t willing to do the same. Your ex can’t help you with your needs while he or she is angry. He or she will only make you blame yourself and crave validation and love. Hence, it’s in your best interest to leave your ex alone and focus on things you can control.
Things such as your emotions, friendships, and family.
Are you still wondering if an angry ex still has feelings? What’s your opinion? Share it in the comment below.
And if you’re looking for personal guidance with your relationship or breakup, visit our coaching page to schedule a session. We offer email, text, and voice coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
