Things not to do after a breakup
When you get dumped by a person you love, there are things you should and shouldn’t do. For example, you shouldn’t get too emotional and tell your ex he’s making a huge mistake. Telling him he’s not thinking clearly and that he’ll regret it in the future will contradict his beliefs and feelings and make him want to prove that he can be happy without you.
Every time you tell him you disagree with his decisions or behavior, you show him your possessive side and tell him that your happiness matters more than his. If you don’t stop opposing him quickly, chances are he’ll get overwhelmed and aggravated by your desperation and run for the hills. He may be your ex, but he probably won’t tolerate behavior that traps him and makes him focus on you rather than himself.
You basically shouldn’t make the breakup about you. Even though you’re in pain, you must understand that it took him a while to muster the courage to leave and that the last thing he wants from you is to be told he can be happier with you. If he thought he could be happier alongside you, he would have stayed with you and looked for solutions to his problems.
He wouldn’t have left the relationship and directly or indirectly asked for space. That’s something emotionally drained dumpers do when they exhaust all options and consider the breakup the only solution to their problems.
So if you’re open to learning about the things not to do after a breakup, remember that your ex has made his decision and needs space. Begging, guilt-tripping, talking about the good times, or even threatening won’t make your ex feel any better. On the contrary, it will show your ex that you don’t care about his problems and that you have no idea how he feels.
Any behavior that forces your ex to think, feel, or act differently than he currently does is a mistake because it reminds your ex of the past, brings back unwanted feelings, and prevents your ex from focusing on things he actually wants to focus on. Things like his hobbies, friends, or perhaps even new dating prospects.
If you try to prevent your ex from having fun and moving on with his new life, you won’t only create resentment but also reduce your chances of reconciliation. That’s because your involvement and unwillingness to let go will disrupt your ex’s peace, give your ex additional reasons to dislike you, and make you look unattractive.
Dumpers (male or female) don’t respect dumpees who lack respect for themselves. They respect people who accept the breakup, let them move forward, and prevent them from triggering unwanted emotions. Such people let their silence demonstrate their self-esteem and ability to let go of people who don’t want them anymore. That’s much more attractive than desperately holding onto partners for self-love and control.
I know it’s hard to let go of someone you love and want to be with more than anything, but you mustn’t make your life all about your ex. If you dedicate your entire post-breakup life to re-attracting your ex, you’ll stay hooked on your ex and scare your ex away when your ex checks up on you. You’ll show your ex that you’re exactly where he left you and that you’re unworthy of his love and commitment.
Try to remember that your ex broke up with you because he stopped seeing your romantic value. Whether you argued, drifted apart, or broke up because of someone else, your ex associated relationship-destructive beliefs with your persona and left when he lost faith in the relationship.
If you try to make your ex fall back in love with you on your terms, you’ll completely disregard your ex’s feelings and destroy your ex’s remaining interest and attraction. That’s why it’s in your best interest to learn which things not to do after the breakup. Learning what triggers your ex and brings negative responses out of him might prevent you from annoying your ex, falling into depression, blaming yourself, staying hopeful, or losing too much hope at once.
As a dumpee, you must know that emotions and emotional responses don’t make the situation any better. Emotions and emotion-driven comments pressure your ex and tempt him to ignore or block you. The more emotional you appear and the more you want your ex to make you feel better, the bigger the chance that your ex will feel responsible for your pain and contemplate abandoning his moral responsibility.
The only thing that will allow your ex to think and feel more positively about you is your understanding and space. Space will encourage your ex to process the breakup and reach out when he feels like it. It might take your ex years to get back in touch, but at least your ex will reach out because HE wants to reach out. Your ex’s initiation will tell you that he’s dealt with negative breakup emotions and that he’s ready to talk on equal terms.
In this post, we talk about the things not to do after a breakup. It’s good to be aware of them because they significantly lower the dumper’s respect for the dumpee and reinforce his reasons for leaving.
Things not to do after a breakup
One of the most important things not to do after the breakup is to take the breakup personally. Your ex may have left you because the relationship wasn’t working for him, but feeling personally attacked and reacting to it will make things much worse. It will show your ex that your ego is bruised and that you can’t help but fight for what you believe in.
Fighting for a relationship that no longer exists will lead to more pain and resistance because your ex will feel unheard and disrespected, and think that you’re incapable of giving him the space he needs.
I can’t say exactly what your ex will do because every dumper responds differently to guilt, shame, and lack of space (pressure), but he probably won’t respond positively. Most dumpers lose their cool and push their ex further away by force. Some say they need space, whereas others stop responding and make their ex wonder where things went wrong.
Regardless of what your ex does, your ex’s negative responses can be avoided simply by understanding what not to do after a breakup. If you understand what your ex needs and doesn’t need (especially from you), you can let your ex stay in control of his life and avoid negative responses and associations.
One of the things not to do after a breakup is to think that you’re entirely responsible for the breakup and that you must fix it on your own. You may have said or done something that led to the breakup, but unless you cheated or did something equally bad, you’re no more responsible for the breakup than your ex. Your ex simply focused on the bad things and decided to quit.
That makes him the person responsible for returning and fixing the things that made him quit. If you’re the only one trying to fix the relationship, you’ll come across as overly eager to reconnect, almost as if you’re in denial and unable to let go. Your actions will show that you have difficulty accepting the breakup and letting go of control.
I can tell you from experience that exes don’t like to be controlled (told what to do and how to feel). They want to be emotionally independent and do what they want to do. Knowing they’re solely responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions gives them a sense of empowerment and allows them to lower their guilt, shame, and other unwanted feelings.
You’ll feel much better if you ignore your ex’s positive traits and force yourself to remember his bad ones. Think about all the times he disappointed and hurt you. This exercise will remind you that your ex is a flawed person who doesn’t deserve your adoration. He stopped deserving it when he lost feelings and broke up with you.
So don’t think of your ex as the best and only person for you. Instead of idolizing your ex and making your life about him, think negatively about him. It will remind you that he’s just a human with flaws and that you must take him off the pedestal for your own good.
Another thing not to do after a breakup is to treat him like a friend. Friendship, which consists of hanging out, talking, buying gifts, and being vulnerable is for friends, something your ex isn’t and likely won’t be for quite some time. If you befriend your ex, you won’t only get friend-zoned (settle for less than you deserve and crave your ex’s love), but you’ll also prevent yourself from detaching and moving on.
You’ll stay obsessed with your ex and wonder why your ex isn’t coming back to you.
So try not to make the breakup more difficult for yourself. Blowing up your ex’s phone, pleading, complaining, seeking revenge, and asking for closure may feel like the right thing to do, but it’s nothing but a highly emotional reaction.
If you need closure but your ex isn’t willing to give it to you, you can always get it without contact on your own or with the help of a friend or therapist.
The same goes for social media. Avoid stalking your ex and posting emotional, attention-seeking posts. Your ex doesn’t want to see you sulk. He wants to know you’re doing okay and that he needn’t feel bad for dumping you. If you’re going to post online, make sure it’s positive, infrequent, and unrelated to your ex and breakups.
You shouldn’t be dating or bragging about dating either. The breakup is your chance to figure out why the breakup happened and invest in parts that need investing. If you need to improve how you express your thoughts and emotions, work on that. Make sure the reasons that broke you up are gone, especially if you hope to get back together with your ex.
Also, don’t shut yourself in and deal with the breakup alone. The worst thing you can do is avoid people and go through the breakup alone. Dealing with it alone will increase your risk of mental health complications and delay the time it takes you to get over your ex.
You need to remain active both mentally and physically. Mental and physical activity will keep your brain distracted and fulfilled as much as possible. It won’t make you instantly forget about your ex, but it will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and encourage you to detach.
Try to spend as much time with friends and family as much as you can. They’ll keep you busy and give you the shoulder to lean on.
Having said that, here are 16 crazy things not to do after a breakup.
What to do if you’ve done any of those things?
If you’ve made some breakup mistakes, it’s never too late to stop and change your approach. You can’t change the past, but you can take control of the future and make better choices moving forward.
If you’ve done something really bad, you can apologize to your ex. Just make sure not to apologize with the intention to impress your ex and get another chance. If you’re going to apologize, do it once without expecting anything in return.
However, if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you or it’s been days or weeks since you said or did something you regret, then it may be better to leave things as they are. Leaving your ex to his own devices will give your ex the space he needs and encourage you to forgive and love yourself.
If you want your ex back, simply start/continue no contact as if nothing happened. Act as if you never hurt your ex and focus on yourself. Sooner than later, you’ll see that your ex made mistakes too—and that he brought out the worst in you.
Contacting your ex and apologizing are typical breakup mistakes. You don’t want to reach out to apologize for something like begging or calling your ex hurtful words. You especially don’t want to do that if you hurt your ex way before the breakup. It’s okay to recognize your mistakes, but sharing them with your ex after the breakup won’t make a difference.
It’s better to keep your feelings to yourself and work on them away from your ex. If your ex cared and wanted your explanations and apologies, your ex probably wouldn’t have put you in a difficult situation and caused you to make mistakes. Your ex would have been more understanding and empathetic.
So don’t worry about your mistakes. Most dumpees slip up a few times during or after the breakup. Despite that, they know that apologizing to an unreceptive ex is wrong and that it will make them look strange and cunning.
Do you agree with our list of things not to do after a breakup? If you have any thoughts or advice of your own, feel free to share them below. They might help other dumpees going through a tough time.
And lastly, if you need help figuring out what to do and not to do after a breakup, reach out to us after signing up for coaching. We’ll help you avoid making unnecessary mistakes, preserve your worth, and speed up your recovery.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
