Engagement and marriage are two signs of detachment and happiness dumpees seem to be the most afraid of. They fear them because they think they might still have a shot with their ex as long as their ex stays single, unengaged, or unmarried. Their ex’s lack of exclusive commitment eases their worries and gives them hope and a sense of control.
That’s why they suffer immensely when they learn that their ex got engaged. The first thing they do is assume their ex found someone great and that they won’t get back with their ex anytime soon, if ever. Their separation pain and insecurities compel them to believe they aren’t important to their ex and worthy of another chance.
Because they don’t feel worthy, they often feel anxious, scared, or even depressed. They feel so low they think they’ll stay unhappy forever.
Many dumpees fear that engagement will make their ex forget about them and move on. They consider engagement and marriage a milestone in a relationship that indicates a point of no return. What they forget is that the majority of couples break up, even those who get engaged and married. Exclusive commitment doesn’t guarantee that they’ll stay loyal and determined to resolve personal and relationship problems.
You’d be surprised how many couples get engaged even though they have a lot of things to resolve and talk about. Some don’t even discuss important subjects such as kids, shared finances, relationship goals, places of settling down, and ways of resolving difficulties. They’re in a hurry to get engaged and married simply because they’re in love and feel amazing.
Couples who get engaged and married quickly don’t necessarily break up when they get out of the infatuation phase, but they are eventually forced to face problems and learn to deal with them. If they lack the tools and willpower to resolve difficulties, they break up very quickly. They don’t stay committed even if they get engaged or married.
A promise to stay together means nothing to them when they argue unhealthily, cheat, or do other relationship-destructive things. Couples stay together long-term when they know how to deal with relationship problems and non-relationship stressors.
But even such couples aren’t guaranteed to stay together forever. Many long-term couples take the relationship for granted, fall out of love, and get a divorce. In the US, about 50 percent of all marriages fail—and the number is not getting any better. It seems to be getting higher each year.
It’s not that couples are incompatible but that they fail to evolve over time and lose sight of what’s important. They focus too much on themselves and not enough on each other and things that deepen their bond.
I don’t want to dissuade you from getting married yourself, nor give you too much hope, but I do want you to know that engagement and marriage are meaningless oaths when a couple is unprepared to maintain a romantic relationship. Instead of getting engaged, they should grow individually and get ready for a long-term relationship.
A relationship requires much more than commitment and a desire to stay together. It requires two equally invested individuals who know what they’re doing and what’s good for them. When they understand this, they can work together on their relationship and perhaps even create something meaningful together.
Therefore, the main question you should be asking yourself is whether they’re ready for the responsibilities their relationship requires. You probably don’t know anything about your ex’s new partner, but you do know your ex. You know how your ex expresses himself or herself and works through problems and difficult emotions.
They must be emotionally compatible otherwise they probably wouldn’t be getting married (although some people get married despite that ). That doesn’t mean they’re a perfect match, though. There is no such thing as perfect. There are only couples who have work to do and couples who have a lot more work to do.
Relationships are constant work. Don’t expect your ex’s or anyone else’s relationship to be easy and super fulfilling. These words don’t mix.
When it seems too easy, it’s because:
- There are deep (often undiscovered) issues to address. Some couples avoid issues due to the fear of conflict.
- The relationship is new and doesn’t require much effort – the relationship is practically self-maintained and brings the best out of the couple.
So bear in mind that your ex getting engaged doesn’t guarantee everlasting happiness and commitment. Only time will tell how they deal with unpredictable and difficult problems. When they lower their guard and learn how they work together under pressure and stress, they’ll know what to expect from the relationship and how compatible they are long-term.
Don’t let your ex’s engagement bring you down. They may appear to be doing well, but that may change when they get to know each other and/or encounter unprecedented problems they lack the skills or willpower to resolve. Even if they stay happy, it shouldn’t change how you feel (especially about yourself). Remember that the relationship is between them and that what you see from your perspective is only one side of their story.
They probably don’t post their problems on social media for the world to see. Most couples don’t. They want their family and friends only to see the positive things and think they’re doing great.
In this post, we help you figure out what to do if your ex got engaged and made you feel insecure.
Is it over if my ex got engaged?
The relationship was over when your ex broke up with you. He or she didn’t have to find another person and get engaged to him or her to be fully done with you. Things officially ended when your ex abandoned the relationship and showed you that he or she no longer had any romantic feelings and expectations.
The engagement doesn’t change anything between you and your ex. Even if your ex didn’t get engaged, he or she would still be dating other people and staying away from you. Your ex’s actions would show that your ex’s focus is on people or things that make him or her happy.
So don’t think that your ex’s engagement somehow changes the dynamics of the breakup and the things you must do if you still have feelings for your ex. As a dumpee, you must still keep your distance from your ex, avoid seeking new information about your ex, and focus on letting go of hope and feeling better.
What your ex thinks, feels, and does is irrelevant. It doesn’t change your life for the better. It just gives you hope or takes your hope away. Your ex can’t give you what you want until your ex wants to give you what you want (a relationship). Until then, your ex is bad for your health and happiness and causes more problems than he or she solves.
Hence, it’s necessary to stop keeping track of everything happening in your ex’s life. If you stop obsessing over your ex and his/her new partner, you’ll stop worrying that the things happening to and around your ex affect your chances of getting back together with your ex. Although engagement and marriage indicate a desire to take the relationship to a new level and make it difficult if not impossible to get back with your ex in the short term, you don’t need to know that.
You should be blocking out all information regarding your ex by unfollowing/muting your ex and asking your family and mutual friends not to update you on your ex. I get that you want to know what your ex is up to and whether your ex is happy, but if you can’t handle bad news, it’s better not to receive it.
Remind yourself that you must keep your distance from your ex and that the relationship between you and your ex isn’t any different now that your ex got engaged. The relationship has been over since the moment your ex broke up with you.
If your ex didn’t officially break up with you but rather asked for a break or started seeing someone else right away, the relationship ended unofficially. It ended with your ex prioritizing his or her fear of confrontation over your right to know how your ex feels or doesn’t feel. That means your ex is a coward who does what’s best for him or her even if it’s not good for you.
Anyway, what’s best for you is to accept the breakup and your ex’s engagement. You shouldn’t have found out that your ex’s relationship is progressing (or seems to be progressing), but since you have, it’s best not to obsess over it. Consider it a natural part of their relationship. It’s unnatural only if it happened within weeks or months of knowing each other.
There’s no written rule that states when it’s too early to get engaged, but typically, it’s too early before couples discover each other’s negative traits and learn to work with them. If the relationship is new and they live in a lalaland, they should be getting to know each other rather than thinking they’ll stay elated or avoid all their problems by getting engaged or married.
Marriage is for people who’ve figured most things out. If they get engaged or married before they’ve talked about their relationship expectations, they’ll have to figure them out later. And they may not see eye to eye about all of them. They could experience problems and break up if they don’t find healthy solutions fast enough.
So if your ex got engaged, especially soon after breaking up with you and starting a relationship with someone else, remember that your ex’s journey is far from over. It’s just begun because your ex will have to figure out how to work on the relationship with his or her partner.
It’s hard to hear that someone you love got engaged, but perhaps now’s the time to let go of your ex. Go no contact with your ex and process the breakup once and for all. Space will help you avoid unwanted information and difficult reminders of your ex.
Having said that, here’s what to do if your ex got engaged.
On the other hand, if it was your dumpee ex who got engaged, then there’s a chance that your ex’s new relationship is a rebound. This depends on when the breakup happened and how your ex feels about you. If your ex has feelings for you, your ex’s relationship will likely run out of steam and become exhausting and difficult to maintain.
Should I congratulate my ex for getting engaged?
If your ex told you he or she got engaged, by all means, congratulate your ex. Tell your ex you’re happy to hear the good news (even if you’re not) and that you want the best for him or her. Wishing your ex happiness with someone else may not be what you want, but it’s the right thing to do when your ex is your friend and wants you to know about his or her relationship.
However, if you learned from someone else (indirectly) that your ex got engaged, don’t reach out just to congratulate your ex. Don’t put your ex in a tight spot and force your ex to respond. Instead, remember that your ex will tell you tell you about the engagement if he or she wants you to know and is brave enough to tell you.
You don’t need to tell your ex you’ve heard about the engagement and that you wish to express your support. Your ex won’t blame you if you don’t reach out and mention the engagement. Your ex will probably appreciate it.
It’s up to your ex to decide who to tell and when. If your ex chooses not to tell you, it’s okay. It likely means that he or she is scared of hurting you and seeing your reaction. So refrain from congratulating your ex if your ex doesn’t willingly tell you about it. Keep it to yourself and figure out the fastest way to stop interacting with your ex.
You’ll heal much quicker and feel much better if you keep yourself in the dark about your ex and obtain information that aligns with your wants and needs.
So don’t bother congratulating your ex if you’re not even friends or on talking terms with your ex. Let your silence convey the message that you don’t care and that you’ve got better things to think about.
Did your ex get engaged? How old is your ex’s relationship? Post your relationship story below.
And if you want to discuss your ex’s engagement and the details surrounding it, consider subscribing to our coaching. We’ll work through it together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
