My Ex Keeps Coming Back And Leaving

If your ex keeps coming back and leaving, your ex temporarily keeps seeing something in the relationship that he or she can benefit from. Whether it’s recognition, support, security, company, love, or feelings that he or she confuses for love, your ex returns because your ex can’t get these benefits elsewhere.

Your ex can only find the desired benefits within the relationship with you.. The relationship empowers your ex with positive emotions and gives your ex hope, direction, and purpose.

Unfortunately for you, your ex doesn’t stick around for long. As soon as your ex encounters issues that require patience and work, your ex feels emotionally exhausted and detached and decides to run away to focus on things or people that aren’t so difficult to manage.

Your ex hopes that by running away, relationship issues will simply disappear and allow him or her to feel great.

And initially, they do. Your ex feels amazing as he or she no longer has to invest time and emotions in you. Your ex can just focus on him/herself and may even date other people. What your ex does and who he or she talks to is strictly your ex’s business.

No one can tell your ex what he or she can or can’t do.

But when your ex stops chasing happiness in the wrong places or runs into problems unrelated to the relationship with you, your ex starts to miss you again. He or she remembers all the good things you did for the relationship and instantly forgets the reasons for thinking negatively about you.

Your ex wants to be with you again because your absence tells your ex that he or she can be happier with you than without you. All your ex has to do is get back in touch and recommit to you before you lose feelings and interest.

If your ex left and came back multiple times, you’re both partially responsible for the mess you’re in. Your ex is responsible for hurting and confusing you, you’re responsible for taking your ex back quickly without thinking things through and setting your boundaries.

As a couple, you’re both responsible for not doing enough to break unhealthy patterns and give each other what you need to keep the relationship strong.

If someone keeps talking to other people and expecting the other person to be okay with it, you keep breaking up because you’re making the same mistakes over and over again. You’re expecting the relationship to work even though you’re not taking it seriously and doing your best to eliminate doubts.

However, if your ex abandons the relationship whenever he or she gets bored, meets someone else, or takes you for granted, it’s clear that your ex doesn’t have what it takes to maintain a long-term relationship.

Your ex is convinced a healthy relationship doesn’t require that much work and that it’s supposed to progress on its own. This kind of thinking causes your ex to detach when the relationship gets tough and needs the most work.

So bear in mind that your ex keeps leaving and coming back for one main reason; not being able to find happiness inside and outside of the relationship. Due to unmet expectations and needs, your ex either discards the relationship to be free or comes back to receive its benefits.

Your ex acts on his or her feelings and expects you to be okay with whatever he or she decides.

This shows your ex feels in charge and doesn’t respect your feelings and commitment to the relationship. If your ex cared, your ex wouldn’t have left so many times. He or she wouldn’t have left even once or would have quickly learned his or her lessons.

Lessons to value you and fix the things that need fixing.

When an ex keeps coming back and leaving, leaving becomes habitual and very easy for your ex. Each subsequent breakup allows your ex to leave more easily and quickly.

Since your ex has left before, your ex doesn’t have to feel bad and question his or her decision. Your ex can just walk away and let you deal with the consequences of his or her abandonment.

Your ex thinks that he or she can get away with anything and that you’ll always take him or her back. This is far from a healthy mindset. It’s extremely self-centered and unlikely to contribute to the development of the relationship.

More often than not, it leads to more breakups and eventually a final and permanent one. A final breakup is inevitable when an ex keeps breaking up and destroying trust, purpose, and innocence in the relationship.

In today’s post, we discuss why your ex keeps coming back and leaving over and over again. We’ll also help you stop your ex from changing his or her opinion of you all the time.

Why does my ex keep coming back and leaving?

First and foremost, you may not be able to stop your ex from leaving, but you must understand that you’re allowing your ex to come back whenever he or she pleases. You’re showing your ex that he or she is welcome to return anytime and that you love him or her more than yourself.

That’s not the kind of message you should be sending your dumper ex. You should be letting your ex know you always put yourself first and that he or she has to work hard to regain your trust, love, and commitment.

Breakups are no joking matter. If your ex thinks he or she can restore the relationship to how it was without any effort, it’s only a matter of time before your ex gets tired of being with you and leaves again.

It’s hard to value a person and stay in a relationship when the relationship requires no effort whatsoever.

So ask yourself two things:

1. Why didn’t you demand that your ex earn your forgiveness and prove his or her worth when your ex came back the first or second time? Was it because of pain and low self-esteem?
2. Did your ex deceive you? If your ex promised to do better but soon reverted to his or her usual self, you probably naively took your ex back and thought things would improve.

Seldom do things get better when the dumper only promises to do better. To not break up again, the dumper and the dumpee must see each other’s importance and work on themselves (this includes the reasons they broke up and their shortcomings).

They must understand that a breakup (especially multiple breakups) is a major warning sign that there are issues and that something needs to change.

If things don’t change, the breakup is bound to recur no matter how many times they get back together. It can take weeks or months, but eventually, the same issues tend to cause couples to break up and seek fulfillment outside of the relationship.

If they find what they’re looking for, they don’t come back. They think negatively of their ex and/or consider their ex incompatible.

But if they don’t find happiness, they come back and put their relationship skills to the test. They get another chance to prove who they are and how they deal with relationship and personal problems.

Therefore, the more they learn while they’re away from their ex, the less likely they are to gradually take their ex for granted again.

Many dumpers don’t learn things while they’re away from their ex. They feel relieved and elated, so they focus on their hobbies, friends, and things that give them purpose and keep them busy.

Most of the time, they learn things only when they hit a snag and become nostalgic and regretful. When that happens, they sit on their thoughts for a few days before they decide to run back to their ex for validation and comfort.

A few days of reflection aren’t enough for them to break relationship-destructive patterns and treat their partner differently long-term. They’re enough only to be on their best behavior for a week or so.

That’s why it’s super important not to take the dumper back on a whim and avoid letting the dumper take charge of the relationship. The dumpee must respect him/herself more than ever and force the dumper to work hard on regaining broken trust.

The dumper shouldn’t be in control after reconciliation. He or she should be at the mercy of the dumpee and give the dumpee his or her power back.

When that happens, the dumpee can slowly learn to trust the dumper again and avoid making mistakes and looking unattractive.

So bear in mind that dumpers often come back and leave when dumpees instantly forgive them and take them back. I’m not saying it’s their fault they get dumped, but they do make the mistake of thinking their ex will do better simply because he or she has returned.

Because they’re excited to be with their ex and feel loved, they handle the breakup passively and discourage their ex from respecting them and valuing the relationship.

Your ex may also keep coming back and leaving due to stress, anxiety, or depression. Personal issues may easily overwhelm your ex and tell your ex to look for safety elsewhere.

But since your ex doesn’t find the stability he or she seeks, your ex feels even worse without you and has no choice but to return. You’re your ex’s backup plan when your ex is out of options and people to rely on for his or her lackings and needs.

All reconciliations are backup plans. But an ex who leaves and comes back multiple times cares about him/herself much more than you. An ex like that thinks about ways to benefit from you rather than ways to make you happy, invest in you, and build a strong and meaningful relationship.

He or she sees the relationship with you as a means of receiving certain privileges and benefits.

That means your ex is committed when the relationship is going well and uncommitted when he or she can’t get what he or she expects and needs. Instead of doing his or her best to resolve relationship issues, your ex ignores the need to communicate and decides to look for greener pastures elsewhere.

It’s clear that your ex is very indecisive and doesn’t know whether to stay or leave. Your ex is considering both options. But because your ex has doubts, your ex listens to them and acts on them. Your ex chooses to be free of commitment and may even entertain the idea of dating someone else.

I don’t know what your ex thinks, but I do know that your ex’s relationship mentality isn’t good enough to deal with doubts, personal issues, and problems he or she encounters in the relationship.

Your ex lacks the knowledge and will to handle them, so your ex leaves when emotions overwhelm him or her. Likewise, your ex returns when emotions spiral out of control and tell your ex that he or she will remain miserable unless he or she gets back with you.

Both times, things don’t go according to plan, so your ex makes a U-turn and see if he or she is happier.

All in all, leaving and returning is a sign of unhappiness. Your ex keeps changing his or her mind in hopes of finding everlasting happiness and internal peace. Your ex has no idea that strong and fulfilling relationships take work and that things won’t change for the better unless he or she matures, puts the work in, and sticks with his or her decisions.

Your ex must either come back and work on the relationship or consider the relationship over and let you heal, move on, and find someone who can give you what you want.

Having said that, here’s why your ex keeps coming back and leaving.

What should I do when my ex keeps coming back and leaving?

Your main task as a dumpee is to protect yourself and deny your ex the possibility of stringing you along for his or her selfish gain. You must let your ex know what you need from him or her before you can trust him or her and give the relationship another chance.

The dumper must happily and willingly give you your lost power back and follow your lead. By doing so, the dumper can prove that he or she regrets leaving and that he or she is prepared to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

I strongly advise you not to take the dumper back unless the dumper is regretful, sad, and certain that leaving you was the worst decision of his or her life. If you take the dumper back even though the dumper isn’t apologetic, nostalgic, fearful, and desperate for forgiveness, you’ll show the dumper you’re willing to do anything just to be with him or her.

Your lack of self-respect will tell the dumper he or she is the prize and that you need to work hard for his or her recognition and commitment when it should be the other way around. When the dumper thinks that way, the relationship will start to decline again and tempt the dumper to leave when things get tough.

So start by loving yourself more and telling the dumper how you expect the relationship to work. If you want better communication and him or her not to talk to exes or other people, say it. Set your own boundaries and see what your ex does and is willing to do.

If your ex loves you and wants to be with you, getting rid of third parties, getting therapy, and making some adjustments won’t be a problem for your ex. Your ex will feel relieved that you’re willing to give him or her another chance.

But if your ex doesn’t respect you and wants only superficial things from you such as validation, sex, or money, your ex will consider your requests too demanding and hard to fulfill—and walk away. It’s better that your ex walks away than to use you and break up with you when you have nothing left to give.

Furthermore, tell your ex to take things slow until you’re ready to trust him or her. Say that you’re taking him or her back on a trial period to see if he or she truly regrets leaving—and that you’ll make your final decision after a while. This should keep your ex on his or her toes and prevent your ex from thinking you’ll always be in love and available to him or her.

Your ex needs to make a decision. He or she must either commit to you and learn to deal with doubts, fears, and personal issues maturely or leave you alone and let you move on with your life. To have the cake and eat it too is not an option.

It can’t be when you want to feel better.

Don’t be afraid of losing your ex. Be afraid of losing yourself by letting your ex treat you in any way he or she wants. If you give your ex control over your emotions and life, you’ll keep getting used or perhaps even abused.

Your life will get worse instead of better.

So put an end to the on-and-off one-sided relationship by expressing your relationship boundaries and expecting your ex to work on relationship issues with you or on his or her own. Things need to change fast. If they don’t or if you don’t see any improvements, you must let your ex go and find a more respectful, grateful, and mature individual.

Does your ex keep coming back and leaving? How does your ex justify his or her leaving and coming back Post your story and questions in the comment below.

And if you’re looking for guidance with your indecisive ex, feel free to get in touch with us directly. We’ll go through your breakup and devise a plan tailored to your wants and needs.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.