When An Ex Reaches Out To Apologize

When an ex reaches out to apologize, his or her goal isn’t to persuade the dumpee to get back together. It’s to obtain forgiveness and alleviate feelings of guilt. By doing so, the dumper can get some difficult emotions off his or her chest and move on with a clear conscience.

A clear conscience is usually the last thing the dumper needs the dumpee for before he or she can start/continue dating someone else and enjoy life without shame and fear of hurting the dumpee.

So bear in mind that when an ex reaches out to apologize, the dumper merely does what’s best for his or her letting go process. The dumper wishes to help the dumpee feel cared for and receive help in return.

It’s a sneaky give-take technique that sadly, most dumpees fall for. They still have feelings for their ex and crave an apology from the ex who broke their heart, so they forgive their ex on the spot, reassure their ex that what’s done is done, and make it easier for their ex not to engage in self-blame and feel bad at the turn of events.

Dumpees are often so nice and forgiving because they want to hear that they weren’t solely responsible for the breakup and that they’re worthy of love and commitment. Dumpers, on the other hand, want their ex to understand that the pain they’ve caused wasn’t intentional or that it was caused in the heat of the moment.

Without expressing it clearly, dumpers’ goal is to be viewed as virtuous, caring people. This is important for their understanding of who they are and the people they want to be.

Dumpers who apologize during the breakup or days after normally do so while they’re still upset/crave space and don’t want any bad blood. They want their ex to understand that they’re fundamentally different and that the breakup needed to happen for the good of everyone.

An early apology is an out-of-principle apology given to the dumpee for crossing the line and acting out of character.

Dumpers who apologize months after breaking up, on the other hand, tend to process the breakup a bit. They get out of the relief and elation stage of a breakup and feel much calmer and think more rationally.

As a result, they sometimes think about their behavior and actions and remember that how they behaved during the breakup was inappropriate and that they’ve caused their ex a lot of suffering. This makes them want to check up on their ex and make sure their ex is okay.

If he or she is, they can continue enjoying their life and moving on. And if their ex is not very well, they often pity their ex, stop seeing value in their ex, get overwhelmed, and find it even harder to deal with their ex and their emotions.

Dumpers may feel bad for hurting their ex, but all they can offer their ex is a heartfelt apology. An apology helps them let go whereas actual help makes them feel responsible for helping their ex and binds them to their ex. It makes them talk to someone they don’t really want to talk to.

Not when they have issues of their own and/or happier things to focus on.

Hardly ever do dumpers commit to helping their ex get over them. Dumpers usually don’t reach out, apologize, and take on the role of a therapist. That would be very difficult for them as they’re emotionally too close to their ex to offer constructive criticism, feedback, healthy advice, and support.

They can’t say things like, “You need to work on your codependence and stay away from me because I’m not good for you. Every time we talk, you get more attached and obsessed with me.” That’s something their actual therapist and friends can say.

If dumpers say it, their ex will likely consider it to be criticism and take it personally.

But the reason dumpers contact their ex and apologize selfishly is that they don’t know what their ex is thinking and feeling. Their ex is in no contact (most of the time at least), which communicates to them that their ex is moving on and doing fine just like they are.

And lastly, dumpers who reach out years later to apologize normally do that because they get hit by karma and/or go through some bad/painful experience. They get hurt, so they start feeling sorry for themselves and reach out to an ex (or exes) they’ve hurt.

Their objective is very simple. They don’t like feeling miserable, so they wish to take accountability and do the morally right thing. By apologizing sincerely, they wish to be forgiven, improve their karma, and have a fresh start.

An apology is the quickest way for them to repay their debts and recover their mental health.

So if you want to know what it means when an ex reaches out to apologize, know that your ex is sorry for hurting you and wants your forgiveness. Your ex wants to see that you’re doing okay emotionally and that you don’t hold any grudges against him or her.

Your ex can probably get over the grudges, but if you’re hurt, sad, or depressed, your ex might feel overwhelmed and decide to leave.

What your ex will do probably depends on how long after the breakup your ex reached out to apologize and what made your ex apologize.

So figure out what your ex expects to gain from the apology and take it from there.

In this article, we talk about the reasons dumpers apologize after the breakup and what to do when an ex reaches out to apologize.

When an ex reaches out to apologize

When an ex reaches out to apologize, the dumper doesn’t know how you’ve been and what you’ve been up to. All the dumper knows is that you’ve been minding your own business and that he or she feels bad for saying or doing mean things before, during, or after the breakup.

The dumper needs you for something. And that something is your understanding and compassion and a release from guilt, punishment, or some kind of obligation.

By accepting your ex’s apology, your ex can feel that he or she can finally cut off the past and replace it with a brighter present and future.

An apology helps your ex be honest and humble and allows your ex to re-establish dignity and repair the emotional damage caused by the breakup and/or bad behaviors.

But what if your ex doesn’t apologize soon after reaching out? What if your ex talks about the things that happened after the breakup first and apologizes at the end of the conversation?

In that case, your ex might not be reaching out to apologize. Your ex might be bored or curious about you.

Either that or your ex is leaving serious topics for last. Some dumpers like to build rapport first and then talk about the things they’ve been wanting to talk about since the beginning.

Sort of like how people ask you how you are and what you’re up to before they ask for a favor.

Your ex’s sincerity depends on how your ex apologizes. The more apologetic your ex appears, the more likely it is that your ex is genuinely sorry for hurting you and wants to make things right.

Of course, not all dumpers are expressive. Especially guys.

But those who regret their behavior normally talk about the things that bother them. They express how sorry they are for behaving poorly and say they wish they could go back in past and do it right.

So if your ex reached out to apologize or apologized sometime later, your ex probably wanted to get back in touch just to let go of guilt and regrets. Your ex essentially relied on you for dealing with his or her problems and may not reach out for a while.

Lots of dumpers don’t because their main goal is to see how their ex thinks and feels. They have no intention of sticking around after they’ve been forgiven or forgiven themselves.

Dumpees frequently think that their ex reached out because he or she wanted an ego boost, but that’s seldom the case. Dumpers don’t need validation from the person they’ve dumped. They’re perfectly fine without it because they’re detached and happy to be free at last.

Dumpees are the ones who were rejected, so they shouldn’t assume their ex wants the same things as them. Their ex is in a completely different emotional state and most likely only needs to clear his or her conscience.

With that said, here’s why your ex reached out to apologize.

If your ex reached out to apologize months or years after breaking up with you, your ex likely figured that he or she made life difficult for you at the time of the breakup and that apologizing was the right thing to do.

What your ex didn’t know was that he or she got hit with guilt late and that you’ve most likely already accepted injustice and prevented it from hurting you.

That means that the dumper shouldn’t apologize months after the breakup for something he or she did or didn’t do.

Delayed apologies don’t speed up dumpees’ recovery because they’re following their own healing regimen and don’t need to hear from someone who abandoned them. Hearing from the dumper only reopens their wounds and confuses them.

What if the dumpee reaches out to apologize?

Dumpees shouldn’t reach out to someone who left them because they have nothing to apologize for. Everything they’re sorry for they already expressed when they had the breakup talk.

If they get ghosted or if there’s no breakup talk, however, then their ex isn’t a very empathetic person and doesn’t have the patience to talk about problems and feelings anyway. The dumper just wants out and should be left out.

In such cases, dumpees should restrain themselves from sending closure letters and reaching out because the person they wish to contact likely won’t give them closure even if they ask for it. He or she will probably ignore them or respond angrily/coldly.

If your dumpee ex reaches out to apologize, try to be patient with your ex. Tell your ex you accept his or her apology and that you’re also sorry for saying or doing certain things. Be specific about what you’re sorry for so it doesn’t seem like you’re just making an insincere broad statement.

After you’ve forgiven each other, tell your ex he or she is always welcome to reach out for closure/healing reasons. But unless it’s that or some kind of emergency, advise your ex that he or she shouldn’t talk to you.

It’s time for you both to spend some time away from each other, regain your identities, and heal.

Most dumpees have been through a breakup before and/or know that they must follow strict self-imposed rules of no contact. Those who don’t should be informed about them and encouraged to recover before they get back in touch.

As a dumper, you want to make sure that your ex doesn’t blame himself or herself for the breakup. Your ex is in a vulnerable state, so you must be careful about what you say and do. Putting the blame on your ex and moving on with someone else will likely cause your ex unimaginable pain and delay his or her healing.

So don’t date right away. Take this advice seriously out of respect for your ex as well as yourself.

What to do when an ex reaches out to apologize?

When your ex reaches out to apologize for leaving you or hurting you, the best thing you can do is to accept your ex’s apology. Say that you appreciate him/her expressing regrets for hurting you and that you’d also like to apologize for your mistakes, flaws, and vices that contributed to the breakup.

By saying that, your ex should see that you’re aware of your shortcomings and that you’ve started working on them.

After you’ve done that, figure out if your ex reached out just to apologize and get on talking terms. If you learn that this is the case, your ex merely wants to keep you around for convenience.

He or she wants to be friends or acquaintances.

Since you’re not ready nor willing to be less than a romantic partner, you should say that you’re not ready to be friends yet and that you need to focus on yourself and grow before you can be friends.

Your ex should understand where you’re coming from and let you heal. If your ex doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to understand, you should reiterate you need time to process everything that’s happened and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you’re ready to communicate again.

That should convince your ex to back off and let you heal.

Most dumpers leave their dumpees alone after dumpees have expressed their wish to be alone. Only vengeful, entitled, selfish, and narcissistic people keep reaching out to their ex and demanding replies from their ex.

You want to avoid such people at all costs as they plan to keep you close but not as close as you want to be.

Did your ex reach out to apologize? What did your ex apologize for? Share your breakup experience with us below.

And if you’re still trying to understand your ex’s behavior and need professional guidance, check out the services Magnet of Success provides.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.