10 Ground Rules For Living With Your Ex

Ex-couples who live together must adhere to certain ground rules. They must ensure they don’t harm, annoy, and overwhelm each other and make the breakup more difficult for each other than it should be.

They must basically ensure they live together as happily as they can until the day the situation allows them to move out. 

And they can move out when:

• their lease is up
• the finances allow them
• they find a place to move

The person staying must give the person moving time. I can’t say how much time, but if his or her ex has no place to go, anything less than 2 weeks is probably unreasonable. If after 2 weeks, his or her ex is still searching for a new place, they should talk about the moving out progress and what the next step is.

The next step can be either staying with friends or family for a while or continuing to search for a place to stay.

If they decide the best option is to keep looking, they should probably not do that for longer than two months. 2 months of living together can be extremely challenging, especially if the person who abandoned the relationship is dating again and acting elated. 

That can cause arguments and/or unnecessary pain and suffering.

So if you and your ex are forced to live together for a while, know that you must establish ground rules for living with your ex. You must create boundaries to avoid saying or doing things that make you think and feel thoughts and emotions you don’t want and aren’t ready for.

Time and space after the breakup are essential. The sooner you distance yourselves physically, the sooner you can recover emotionally. 

Living with your ex isn’t easy because you’re constantly reminded of things you don’t want. You remember the bad times (as a dumper) and the good times (as a dumpee). This confuses you and causes you to crave opposite things from each other.

Dumpees want to get closer to their ex whereas dumpers want to increase the distance. 

If they act on their urges, they more often than not fail to give each other what they need to recover and complicate the breakup even more.

So instead of making no changes when living with your ex, set some ground rules. Discuss them with your ex so your ex knows what to expect and how to and not to behave as an ex. Maybe your ex already knows things can’t continue as if you were together, but it’s always best to discuss them and make sure you’re on the same page.

Talking about the ground rules for living with your ex will decrease the chances of stepping on the dumper’s nerves and hurting the dumpee’s reconciliation hope and self-esteem. It will almost guarantee that you keep things healthy and that your moving-out process is as smooth as it can be.

In this article, we discuss the ground rules for living with your ex. These rules include ways you and your ex should physically and verbally interact with each other in the household and beyond.

Ground rules for living with your ex

First of all, every ex-couple should establish some ground rules for living together after the breakup. They should set some healthy boundaries that would potentially prevent them from getting things they don’t need and give them things they do need.

The most important boundary for living with your ex is space. Despite living in the same home, you and your ex need it to disassociate from each other, feel free, and enjoy your lives.

Space, which is physical distance is absolutely necessary for you and your ex to naturally go through the stages of a breakup for the dumpee and the dumper. Space not only distracts the dumper and mends the dumpee’s heart, but also encourages autonomy and independence. 

It gives dumpers time to self-prioritize and dumpees a chance to reflect on the breakup and their mistakes. Dumpees work on themselves after the breakup whereas dumpers do it later when they get hurt by something/someone else and/or want their ex back.

If exes don’t treat the breakup as a breakup and try to be friends or friends with benefits, they more often than not get stuck in an awkward friend zone and stick with each other for the wrong reasons. They use each other for various benefits and feelings and prevent each other from moving on as quickly as they can.

To avoid falling into the friend zone and feeling used, propose a no contact rule, or in your case, a limited no contact rule. This rule encourages detachment by prohibiting deep, relationship, breakup, and non-essential communication.

By all means, say hello and bye as that’s polite when you enter and exit the room, but don’t talk about things you or your ex aren’t ready to talk about. Your interactions should be concise and pressure-free. They should be about shared responsibilities such as kids, pets, utilities, groceries, and bills.

The point of no contact is to avoid pain and prepare for a life without each other. Make sure to follow a strict no contact rule and to continue it after moving out. You don’t want to talk to each other now that you’re living together and make it seem like it’s normal and fine to interact as ex-partners.

If you convince yourselves that post-breakup communication is “the mature thing to do” and get into the habit of talking, you’ll stay somewhat reliant on each other and delay detachment. You’ll stress each other out unnecessarily and fail to move on efficiently.

Even if the dumper doesn’t need space and wants to be friends right away, the dumpee still needs to detach, rebuild his or her self-esteem, and lose hope. 

And the dumpee can’t do that if he or she stays in touch and ignores the rules of no contact. That’s why you should respect each other’s personal space and communicate about each other’s expectations early on. If possible, discuss your concerns regarding the living situation as soon as the breakup occurs.

The sooner you discuss the ground rules for living together, the smaller the chance that you’ll fail to meet each other’s expectations and needs. 

Another way to give each other space is to sleep in separate beds. I know the couch can be uncomfortable, but it’s not healthy for separated couples to share the same bed. Not only would it be uncomfortable for the dumper, but it would also hurt the dumpee and tempt him or her to try to be intimate.

The second thing you should discuss after breaking up is finances and shared expenses. If you’re both working, you should pay 50/50 or percentually (e.g. 70/30) if someone earns significantly more than the other. It’s up to you to decide what works best for you. Just make sure the financial arrangement is fair.

It probably wouldn’t be fair to expect a jobless or stay-at-home ex to fork out the money he or she doesn’t have.

Exes need to be understanding of each other’s financial capabilities and avoid taking the breakup personally. If they take it personally, they could compete against each other and intentionally make each other’s life difficult.

That wouldn’t help the dumpee or the dumper. It would just turn the person with the most money and power into a vengeful person.

So be reasonable when it comes to making financial arrangements. You don’t want your ex to get hurt and hurt you back. What you want is to handle the breakup maturely and allow both parties to move on as fast as possible.

Understandably, strong emotions may arise when dealing with breakup blues and finances, but it’s important to remain level-headed and approach financial matters with rationality and a willingness to work together.

If you don’t work together, you could become spiteful and end up in court over petty things.

You should also collaborate on shared tasks and responsibilities. Discuss who, how, and when will take care of the chores. If you decide nothing should change, that’s okay. The most important thing is to openly talk about it, let each other know what the plan is, and avoid bickering over it later.

Exes have less patience for each other than couples, so make sure that your household responsibilities are evenly distributed. This will simplify your living situation and make it more manageable.

Thirdly, discuss the rules for bringing guests and dating prospects into your shared home. You obviously shouldn’t invite people you crush on into the home you cohabit in. That would be extremely disrespectful to the rejected party and could increase tension.

It’s best to not date for a while and avoid making each other feel jealous, disrespected, and angry. Instead of monkey-branching into a relationship with someone else, give it at least a few months to move out and process things. 

You and your ex have difficult emotions to work through and shortcomings to work on. You shouldn’t be dating and bringing guests home. The thought of an ex dating someone else is difficult enough, which is why exes don’t need to take it a notch further and let each other know they’re having a good time with someone else. 

That could make them feel worthless and infuriate them. Something about hearing an ex being intimate often makes them misophonic. It irritates them and triggers their anger and contempt. They’d rather not hear their ex-partner having sex with someone else under the same roof.

So as mature and responsible adults, respect each other’s ears. Do this by not dating or at the very least keeping new romantic or sexual interests out of the house and determining quiet hours and noise levels.

Make certain your understanding of quiet is in accord with your ex’s and that you avoid making each other anxious and jealous.

The ground rules for living together with an ex include shared items. Intimate items you may have previously shared (toothbrushes, razors, deodorants, etc.) should no longer be shared. They should go back to their original owner and stay with him or her.

As for non-intimate items such as vehicles, shared computers, and tools, you can continue to share them for the time being. Just make sure not to overuse them and claim them as yours (if they weren’t yours to begin with). 

During a breakup (or right after), it’s important to have a conversation about what to do with shared belongings, such as furniture and appliances. The most straightforward answer is to divide the items you purchased together. You can either split everything 50/50 or reach an agreement to compensate each other financially.

It’s not the nicest conversation to have (especially if someone cheated and/or you don’t get along), but it’s a discussion you need to have. Don’t leave it till the last moment. Try to reach an agreement beforehand as it could save a lot of trouble later down the road.

Every broken couple who lives together, of course, also needs a plan on who and when will move out. If a couple shares a lease and the lease will run out soon (within a month or two), it may be financially prudent to make use of the lease and move out afterward.

However, if the lease has just been signed and you don’t have the financial means to move out right away, then you can either find a replacement tenant or pay the early termination fee. In some cases, you may even face a potential lawsuit.

But that’s why it’s important to sign a contract with a person you know is good to and for you and won’t be a pain in the butt to live with in a relationship and after the breakup.

To know he or she is a decent person, get to know him or her on a deeper level and discuss the consequences of breaking up as live-in partners before you sign a lease together. That way, you’ll reduce the risk of breaking up and breaking up under difficult circumstances.

Another change you should make as live-in ex-partners is to do things separately. If you used to dance and go to the gym together, do it alone from now on. You’re not in love and together anymore. You’re ex-partners who decided to break up and must live separately.

Failure to do so will likely result in complications that end up delaying your recovery.

Some things ex-couples shouldn’t do anymore are:

• keep old routines
• tell each other “I love you”
• act like they’re still together
• rely on each other for emotional support

Bear in mind that helping around the house with chores and small problems is okay and praiseworthy. But being your ex’s confidant and doing indecent things with your ex such as brushing your ex’s hair, showering together, and staying intimately close out of habit or convenience is strongly inadvisable.

If you want to process the breakup quickly, you should break relationship habits, not hold on to them.

Also, avoid engaging in revenge and petty behavior. It doesn’t matter who moves on first and finds a new partner. Breakups are about how much you learn and improve from your mistakes.

Typically, dumpees get the most out of breakups as they’re forced to reflect and grow. Only those who aren’t used to lacking control and have poor self-control take revenge on their ex and invite their ex to do the same.

So take the breakup seriously, act maturely, and prepare for what comes next. 

That being said, here are 10 ground rules for living with your ex.

Don’t live with your ex longer than you need to

If your ex dumped you, don’t think that living with your ex and being on your best behavior will make your ex realize what a fool he or she was for letting you go. It’s unlikely that the breakup itself and all the boundaries in this article will make your ex realize your worth and become regretful.

Your ex will need to have an epiphany in some other (external) way. Something or someone will have to wound your ex and force your ex to discover your worth the hard way. This could be another person (most likely) or some difficult life experience that teaches your ex a painful lesson.

Because you can’t foresee when or if your ex will want you back, you need to proceed with the plan and move out. You don’t have a choice because if you keep living together, you could put your life on hold for months in hopes of letting your ex get in trouble.

The truth is, even if you wait months for your ex to hit a snag, there’s no guarantee your ex will perceive you in the way you need him or her to. Not all people are capable of maturing and changing their deep-rooted opinion of their ex.

Many people like to hold on to the negative image of their ex as doing so victimizes them and gives them strength. Such people tend not to come back or come back many many years later.

On the other hand, if you dumped your ex, be fair to your ex and move out as quickly as you can. Avoid giving ambiguous statements and breakup excuses that confuse your ex and further complicate a complicated situation.

As a dumper, you need to know that the quicker you start living separately, the sooner your ex will let go of hope and recover emotionally. That’s because your ex will be forced to rely on himself or herself and stop seeing you as a celestial being.

Always remember that living with your ex is a bad idea unless it’s for financial reasons, an active lease, or other reasons outside of your control.

If at any point, your living situation gets out of hand, I encourage you to give up on living together and search for alternative housing options. You and your ex don’t have to live together and suffer unless finances, kids, lease, or some other obligation or problem forces you to.

You can avoid most if not all problems just by increasing the physical and emotional distance.

What ground rules for living with your ex did you learn today? Do you have any other rules you or people you know abide by? Post them in the comment section below and we’ll respond shortly.

However, if you want our help with setting some healthy post-breakup boundaries, feel free to get in touch with us on our coaching page. We’ll do our best to devise a healthy breakup plan that works best for you.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.