Why Is My Ex-girlfriend So Mean To Me?

Ex-girlfriends tend to be mean after the breakup. They feel victimized, detached, trapped, loveless, and expectationless, so they don’t care how they act and how their ex perceives them. The time to impress their ex has ended as they no longer see a future with their ex.

All they see is that it’s time to prioritize their well-being and that their ex needs to respect their decisions and feelings.

If their ex doesn’t give them the space and respect they need, they quickly lose their patience and turn into angry, mean, or perhaps even vengeful people. They don’t hesitate to react emotionally and punish their ex for not understanding them and crossing their boundaries.

Every dumper acts or reacts differently after the breakup. Some dumpers directly blame their ex for the breakup whereas others partially or fully take the blame for causing pain and strive to avoid hurting their ex.

Generally speaking, the less moral and emotionally mature the dumper is, the meaner and ruder he or she will be to the heartbroken dumpee.

For example, a dumper with anger issues lacks the ability to communicate emotions efficiently and will likely be extremely mean after the breakup. He or she will take his or her frustrations out on the dumpee and make the dumpee feel unworthy and miserable.  

Also, the dumper must feel pressured, annoyed, scared, or blamed in order to be mean to the dumpee. He or she must be backed into a corner and have no choice but to warn, reprimand, or hurt the dumpee.

The dumper usually doesn’t reach out to the dumpee and look for things to argue about. The dumper expresses pain and anger when the dumpee expects or demands things in a highly emotional manner.

That’s why the dumpee’s behavior matters as well. It doesn’t excuse the dumper’s mean comments, but it incentivizes the dumper to act instinctually.

If you don’t want your ex-girlfriend to be so mean to you, you must avoid putting the both of you in situations where she can be rude to you. Avoid asking her things she doesn’t want to answer, telling her things she doesn’t want or need to hear, and forcing yourself into her comfort zone.

As an ex, you shouldn’t keep interacting with your ex and being close to her. You should do no contact instead and let her be in charge of her thoughts and emotions. You should show her you accept the breakup and allow her to be emotionally independent.

Therefore, how mean the dumper is depends on the dumper’s maturity and the dumpee’s behavior and expectations. If the dumper has low EQ and sees that the dumpee expects love and support, the dumper will likely feel suffocated and be extremely mean and dangerous to be around.

He or she will say things that affect the dumpee’s self-esteem and complicate the dumpee’s recovery process.

The reason your ex-girlfriend is mean to you after the breakup is that she feels victimized and forced to deal with your emotions and problems. She expected her pain to end with the breakup and feel relieved, but instead, she feels that she needs to communicate with you and keep focusing on things that no longer matter to her.

Your ex wants to leave the past behind and look forward to a new beginning. The thought of a new start gives her hope because it allows her to live on her own terms.

So if you’re wondering why your ex-girlfriend is so mean to you, bear in mind that she doesn’t feel in full control of the breakup. She feels that you expect care, affection, answers, or something she doesn’t want to give and that she can’t be free as long as you pressure her and force her to feel bad for leaving and hurting you.

She’s probably space-deprived and resentful. Most dumpers are because they felt unhappy in the relationship and wanted to abandon it for a long time.

Because they couldn’t abandon it and kept tolerating unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, they got overwhelmed with their ex and their problems and thought they needed to cut their ex off to be happy.

When they cut their ex off, they felt a weight lifted off their shoulders and were happier than they’d been in a long time. The breakup essentially liberated them as it broke the commitment and the promises that came with it and made it okay for them to stop investing in their ex and feeling morally obligated to support their ex.

Support included responses that showed compassion, care, and commitment.

In this article, we’ll explore the underlying reasons behind your ex-girlfriend’s mean behavior toward you and give you some essential advice.

Why is my ex-girlfriend so mean to me?

Your ex-girlfriend could be mean to you for more than one reason. One of those reasons is that she could be resentful of the times you’ve hurt or disappointed her.

Now that she’s no longer with you, she doesn’t have to be on her best behavior and try to impress you anymore. She can be herself and reveal how she treats people she doesn’t love and need in her life.

People show us their true colors when they don’t need us anymore. That’s when they’re not afraid of being mean and teaching us who they are and what they’re capable of. Breakups truly bring out the worst in people. They turn dumpees into desperate beggars and give dumpers excessive power and control.

If they’re irresponsible and incapable of handling a sudden gain of power, they hog all the power and abuse their power by hurting exes who think highly of them and want something from them. 

Abraham Lincoln had it all figured out with his famous quote. he said, “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

Power puts a man in charge, makes him feel superior and stoppable, and prevents him from feeling responsible and dealing with the consequences of his actions.

Lincoln’s line, of course, applies to both genders. Both men and women can say and do mean things when they have power and understand they have nothing to lose. Their mental and moral qualities become evident when they face a situation they know they can escape without getting hit by instant karma.

Hence, you can test any person’s values by giving him or her power and observing his or her behavior. Will that person cheat, steal, lie, manipulate, revenge, express anger, and do bad things that benefit his or her life at others’ expense?

If the answer is yes, you can get an idea of what the person is like and how he or she could treat you if your relationship status changes.

Sadly, we tend to discover people’s dark side too late – when they already have power over us and did something mean to us. We learn how they treat people when they feel victimized and lack the tools to calm down and see things from a rational perspective.

Because their behavior takes us by surprise, we get shocked and feel hurt or betrayed.

If your ex-girlfriend is mean to you, she currently only sees the things she wants to see. She sees how she sacrificed her wants, needs, and happiness for the sake of the relationship—and got little in return.

Because she couldn’t make things work or because you didn’t change to her liking, she became bitter over time and eventually fell out of love.

When that happened, she didn’t break up with you right away. She merely started avoiding you or avoiding intimacy, treating you differently, pretending she was busy, or actually was busy.

She began planning her escape and frequently bolstered her negative beliefs by reminding herself you weren’t the right partner for her. Eventually, she finally mustered the courage to leave, stopped feeling suffocated, and embraced feelings of relief.

That’s why now that she’s gone, she expects to stay relieved and in control of her emotions and decisions. She wants to be free and not worry about what you want and how you feel.

If she sees that you’re unhappy and that you depend on her for love and happiness, she feels guilty and smothered and tries to defend herself by force (being mean).

Dumpers aren’t rude, mean, angry, and cold because they still have feelings for you. Anyone who claims that a cruel ex loves you either doesn’t understand human emotions or wants you not to understand them (wants to deceive you, give you hope, and get you to purchase his or her services).

Always remember that your ex would respect you and be afraid of hurting and disappointing you if she loved you. She would do everything in her power to make you happy and minimize the chances of getting rejected and hurt.

It’s very simple. A detached and mean ex is detached and mean for a reason. She lost feelings and wants space and quiet. A regretful, respectful, and worried ex, on the other hand, wants to impress you and avoid getting rejected, abandoned, and hurt.

She wants a relationship because a relationship is best for her.

So if you’re wondering why your ex is so mean to you, the simplest explanation is that she lost feelings and care. She’s okay with being mean because that’s who she is at her worst and also because she stopped caring what you think and feel about her.

She no longer craves your love and commitment and expects you to let her live the life she wants.

Currently, she enjoys having the space and freedom to focus on herself and those who make her feel good. She’s not trying to hold on to you as a backup plan (most dumpers don’t). All that matters to her at the moment is her new-found happiness and freedom. 

She enjoys being in control and will, as a result, feel relieved and appear unrecognizable for a while. Expect her to talk and behave differently from what you’re used to at least for a few months. After the relief period, she’ll likely revert to her old self.

With that said, here are 7 reasons why your ex-girlfriend is so mean to you after the breakup.

When will my ex-girlfriend stop being so mean to me?

Your ex-girlfriend will stop being mean to you when you stop bothering her and letting her say and do mean things. She’ll be respectful when you respect yourself and encourage her to communicate with you on her own terms.

As long as she feels in control and sees that you’ll tolerate good or bad behavior, she’ll know she can say anything and that you’ll keep coming back for more.

Of course, she doesn’t want you to keep annoying her, but because you do, she knows she can say what she wants and get away with it.

You must understand that exes go through a period of relief after the breakup. While they’re relieved, they crave a ton of space and feel suffocated by their ex’s actions and presence. If they lack patience and empathy, they also feel tempted to react negatively to their ex’s needs and expectations.

More often than not, they react instinctually and cause their ex problems.

Time often helps dumpers process the breakup a bit, but it doesn’t bring them back. It merely helps them cool off to the point where they stop feeling pressured and start wondering about their ex.

When they become curious, they sometimes feel bad for ignoring their ex’s needs and mistreating him or her. That’s when they reach out, apologize, or obtain forgiveness indirectly by speaking with their ex and seeing how their ex is coping with the breakup blues.

So bear in mind that your ex will stop being angry/annoyed with you and acting mean when you:

• stop making breakup mistakes and making your ex feel pressured, uncomfortable, and in charge of the breakup
• give your ex enough time to enjoy life, process negative breakup emotions, and see that you didn’t mean anything bad and that you deserve respect

What should I do if my ex is mean to me?

If your ex is mean, don’t fight back, but don’t let your ex mistreat you either. If you let your ex treat you terribly, you’ll feel miserable and blame yourself for your ex’s behavior.

If you need your ex in your life (let’s say you have kids or work together), you should tell your ex there’s no need to be mean and that you need to work together as difficult as that may be. This should make your ex calm down and cooperate when needed.

If you don’t depend on your ex for anything, though, simply stop talking to your ex. Whether your ex is nice or not, go no contact with your ex and show your ex you value yourself and don’t need him or her to love you.

Don’t be afraid to cut your ex off. You may have strong feelings for your ex, but you can’t make your ex want to be with you with words and actions. Your ex has to rediscover your worth and want to be with you on his or her own.

That’s the only way your ex will respect you and give you back the power he or she stole from you.

So don’t bother telling your ex you want another chance—and go no contact instead. This will exude emotional strength and show you know your worth.

What do you think? Why is your ex-girlfriend so mean to you? Do you think she’s trying to punish you for her unhappiness and lack of success? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you want to have a private conversation about your ex’s mean behavior, check out our coaching options and get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.