As the saying goes; all is fair in love and war.
If love is deemed as beautiful and magical, then breakups are shocking and wicked. They bring out the worst in people regardless of whether you are the dumpee or the dumper.
The only difference between the two is that dumpees usually do their best to control their behavior—for they want their exes back, while dumpers give in to the repulsive emotions and act imprudently as if the dumpee never existed.
So if you’re somewhat fresh out of a breakup and you’re thinking to yourself, “Why does my ex want to hurt me so much,” this is the topic for you.
Moreover, please note that the content of this article applies to both males and females, but the article will be written from a male perspective. Let’s jump right to it.
Why does my ex want to hurt me so much?
There are two possibilities why an ex is trying to hurt you.
- Your ex is trying to get back at you due to the victim’s mentality.
- Your ex just doesn’t care enough and hurts you inadvertently.
It’s not too difficult to discern whether your ex is hurting you on purpose or non-intentionally.
If your ex is deliberately going out of her way to hurt you, she will make sure you find out about her malevolent actions. Your ex will hurt you because your pain will give her a huge ego boost and provide her with the validation she so badly craves. In a nutshell, her actions will appear very immature, vengeful and even crazy.
Contrarily, if your ex is not trying to hurt you, then her actions will be a lot less demeaning. She will probably talk badly about you to her friends to justify her reasons for leaving and might even post how happy she is on social media. Moreover, she will not compare you to the new person she’s dating and will just mind her own business.
Why is my ex-girlfriend trying to hurt me only after the breakup?
Most of the time, dumpers don’t play any mind games, but sometimes, we come across that one individual that takes vengeance to a whole different level.
When that vengeful individual breaks up with us, we finally get to meet the real person – the one that has been hiding behind a mask all these months or years.
You’re probably thinking, “In the relationship, my girlfriend never tried to harm me. Why is my ex trying to hurt me now?“
If you are having these thoughts, I believe can help you with them.
Your girlfriend cared about you and the relationship she was in. So now that she’s a free spirit—and fully-detached from you, she doesn’t care about what you think about her. She can do as she feels – which she avidly does.
So if you get the feeling that your ex-girlfriend is out to hurt you by doing horrible things, rejoice! You finally got to meet the ugly side of her which will help you move on when you’re past the initial hurt.
Your ex’s mean actions will also prevent you from wanting her back if she ever returns. And that’s a good thing as you will know exactly what your ex is capable of. Not only that. You will also have learned not to tolerate her behavior again and especially—her post-breakup treatment.
It goes without saying that relationships should start the other way around by getting to know a person’s bad side first. Unfortunately, people conceal their dark side for as long as they can until they can’t control it anymore. That’s the reason why most relationships fail within the first 6 months when people’s true colors finally protrude through the surface.
But just because people’s true colors show with time, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have an even darker side – the really scary one. This side is usually summoned when we are undergoing something extremely emotional. Breakups are a good example of this thesis.
The dark side ???
Sadly, most people are capable of bad things. They just need to be pushed far enough to show them. Begging and pleading to insanity or anything that goes against the dumper’s freedom for example, usually does the job.
People can be vengeful, manipulative and absolutely bitter when it comes to our past relationships. When our pride, ego, and self-esteem have been hurt, we do unimaginable things to soothe our raging anxiety.
This usually occurs when things don’t happen the way we want them to, so we lose emotional self-control and tap into our dark side to unleash the fury.
Since everyone has a dark side, this is exactly the reason why exes hurt us so much when we only want to live peacefully after a breakup. Everything we do and sometimes even don’t do quickly enrages our exes, bringing out the worst in them.
Unfortunately, the only way to help your ex cool off is to completely remove your presence and go indefinite no contact.
Dumpees’ pain
It’s also important not to mistake our exes’ actions and inactions for deliberate intentions for them to hurt us. Since we are so heartbroken, it’s really easy to get hurt from something/anything our exes do.
Try not to get hurt if your ex starts hanging out with someone new, goes on vacation with her friend or posts every single moment of her life on social media. These are not the reasons to get offended and hurt so don’t misinterpret your ex’s post-breakup life. It’s full of relief and elation anyway, so don’t pay much attention to it.
It doesn’t really matter how much fun your ex is having and who she’s with. None of that matters in your short and precious life.
What does matter, is you. You are the most important person in the world – at least to yourself.
The things exes do to hurt you
Exes do all sorts of things to hurt us—especially dumpers. They go to great lengths to win the post-breakup war and celebrate in glory once they achieve it.
Fortunately, the reasons why exes hurt us have nothing to do with who we were as their partners. It’s got everything to do with our exes’ competitiveness and their unjust sense of retribution. So if your ex is hurting you on purpose, know that it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t be getting punished for your past mistakes.
Here are some of the things exes do to hurt you a lot:
- posting explicit pictures and comments on social media
- bragging about the new boyfriend
- ignoring and avoiding you
- getting angry at you
- spreading rumors about you, your friends or your family
- trying to make you jealous
- threatening, insulting and belittling
Unintentional ways in which your ex hurts you:
- being able to stay away from you and not reaching out
- not getting as hurt as you
- moving on with ease
- drinking and partying
- appearing happy on social media or in her new relationship
- getting engaged, married
What do I do if my ex is trying to hurt me?
If your ex is trying to hurt you on purpose, whatever you do, don’t reciprocate and fight fire with fire. If you do, your ex will likely win the battle.
And even if you prove to be the worst person and get the short-lived satisfaction of revenge, it likely won’t last very long as it never does.
Revenge isn’t sweet, it’s nasty. It doesn’t make you grow as a person, it delays your maturity and shows that you’re a bitter and spiteful person.
If you get back at your ex for hurting you, you will eventually regret your actions and wish that you’d been the bigger person and let karma take care of your ex.
Instead of regretting your actions later, remind yourself that you don’t need to compete with an ex that’s trying to hurt you. You’ve won already by sticking with this person to the very end. That’s why you have absolutely nothing to lose by letting your ex do what she wants to do. You only have things to gain.
Always keep in mind to be the better person when things don’t appear pretty. Gather your strength to smile at your ex’s malicious behavior and forget about it as quickly as you can. Nothing will annoy your ex as much as forgiving and pitying her poor, vengeful soul.
You will instead inadvertently show her that you are not going to play her dirty games because you’re a mature individual. If you did, you’d only have fallen into her trap.
Unless your ex is threatening you with physical violence or is emotionally abusing you, you just have to wait for her anger to dissipate.
But if it’s serious and you’re scared for your safety, contact your ex’s friends and family. And if that doesn’t help and things escalate—inform the police.
But when will my ex stop hurting me?
Both dumpers and dumpees eventually stop bothering and annoying each other. It’s only a matter of time before your ex finds someone else to pester. The only thing you need to do is to not pay any attention to your ex—as difficult as it may seem sometimes.
I know you may be wondering, “Why is my ex hurting me when I’ve been nothing but nice to her prior to the breakup and even after?”
Whenever you blame yourself for your ex’s emotional instability, tell yourself that it’s got nothing to do with you. Provided you’re in indefinite no contact, you have nothing to take responsibility for. Absolutely nothing at all.
Your ex will stop hurting you when either of the two conditions are met:
- Your ex gets bored and tired from a lack of reaction from you.
- You get over the breakup, grow as a result, and move on to better things.
If your ex is hurting you on purpose, do your best not to worry about your ex’s actions. She’s digging up her own grave of negative stigma to lay in, so let her karmic injustice be her future problem to worry about.
In the meantime, figure out how you can better your own life so that the pettiness of your ex won’t wound you.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
Breakups and bad experience help us grow tremendously as human beings learn the most when we’re out of luck. This includes angry exes that are trying to hurt us out of spitefulness and a false sense of righteousness.
Every time we react positively to a negative encounter we further rewire our brains to become the best version of ourselves.
So yes, even something as negative as a crazy, vengeful and miserable ex can serve as a lesson to us. We just have to be prepared to see it that way.
Consider your breakup a challenge – a predicament to evolve from. Don’t let your ex drag you to the abyss down with her. It will only give her the pleasure of knowing that she’s got you right where she wants you.
Instead, climb above and beyond—far out of your ex’s reach and keep going. Run so far, your ex won’t even see your dust anymore. That’s how you will outgrow your ex and always be one step ahead of her without even trying.
Everything depends on your determination, hence that you always have two options.
1) You can react to your impulses and become somewhat similar to your ex.
2) Become someone your ex will only dream of being with.
The choice is yours to make, but it starts with you here and now.
What will it be? Vengeance or personal growth?
Can you think of more ways and reasons why your ex wants to hurt you so much? Comment below and let me know. ?
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi me and my ex broke up a week ago, I know she loved the bones of me because of the way she constantly give and showed her love with the little things… now after the break up she doesn’t reply to my texts answer my calls before she unfriended me on Facebook she added over 30 lads then unfriended me when I brought it up.. she’s kept me on Snapchat and Instagram and done the same thing on insta followed loads of different types of lads that are nothing like me.. but what I don’t understand is she’s unfriended me on Facebook but kept our pictures on there but then deleted them of Instagram I know she’s trying to hurt me as she knows I will be looking and I know I shouldn’t but it’s just so hard when you truly love someone and no everything about them inside and out.. I just don’t no what todo .. I sent flowers to her work I got no text nothing .. do I block her on everything even tho I still love her and want her back I need advice
I think you should move on Zan. As you said she’s depressed and she needs to get over her depression of whatever it is before she’s able to have a healthy relationship with anybody. If you have really accepted her decision you wouldn’t just move on and don’t worry about if she blocked you or not. Find other things to keep you occupied and your mind off her. Maybe she need time to get herself together. Since she broke off the relationship she needs to make the first move. Don’t try to convince her and if she doesn’t make the first move then she’s not the one for you and you have to accept that and move on. You’ll meet someone else. Enjoy yourself with friends and family. Keep going out and having a good time someone else will come along. Good Luck.
Sometimes you have to think differently. If you know someone is trying to hurt you then maybe that is the reason not to be hurt. They are intentionally trying to hurt you not because they want they are out of control. It’s different if it’s unintentional but if it’s done on purpose that shows you are in control of their thinking process and what they do in some way. In a way you are controlling him. For example If I hate this restaurant because the food is terrible but I’ll take my new boyfriend there because my ex boyfriend loves this restaurant and always go there. I’m thinking and doing things that is against what I even like because of some feelings I have against my ex. I’m making myself miserable just to hurt or get a reaction out of my ex. It’s possible your ex didn’t even care about those girls he posted on his page but did it because he’s hurt and wants to hurt you in return. Don’t be hurt by this kind of behavior try to understand it. Understand hurt people hurt people. Also he’s immature, he’s being spiteful and wants to get a reaction from you. Don’t reward negativity with attention ignore him. Next he’ll be looking all over your social media to see if what he did had an affect on you and feel vindicated. What he wants to see if what he does still has a effect on you and its a way to control a person. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Avoid and ignore negative behavior.
Me and my ex, we were in a relationship for over one year. It was a long distance. Lately I realised that it was never a relationship according to her. Lol. She was the one who first initiated the contact. At first I was not interested. Slowly I began to develop feelings. She was also elated that I like her. We belong to the same hometown but my workplace is in another town and it takes a whole day ride to reach my workplace. So I rent room at my workplace. I could hardly manage to visit my hometown thrice or fourth times due to my tight schedule. I met her up whenever I visit hometown. Long short story. This continued for a year. Gradually one fine day she started ignoring my calls and texts even professional related queries. I asked if someone is in her life. She replied there is none. Then one day I discover that she is posting pictures with some guy on social media. At this point I got the hint. So I decided to shot one last text after a couple of weeks just to make sure that I have tried my best to work out this relationship. I ask her that she could tell me if she doesn’t have any feelings for me. Her reply shocked me. She replied, she never said she like me nor does she had feelings for me and she also says that she don’t hate me but she don’t love me either. Man I only asked her one thing and she made it loud and clear about so many other things. She also says that she loves his ex. I din’t feel bad not because she says she loves his ex but because she didn’t tell me about all these things in the first place whenever I tried to enquired. But the worst part is she did accuse me of false allegations. I repeat, she replied she never said she like me but the truth is I never claim that she said she like me. I only asked if she had feelings for me. After that I didn’t reply and never contact her again. That was our last contact. Now it’s been over 10 months since breakup. Today I can say i’m completely healed. The reason why I write this is because I want to help those people across the globe who goes through this same similar patterns. I will share both from the dumper and dumpee perspctives some points:
1. When someone loves you but you don’t love them, just tell them. There is no harm if you let them know the truth. They are also human being like you. They will respect you for your maturity.
2. When someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore, respect it. You don’t owe them. The best thing is to walk away with dignity and integrity. Otherwise you will get hurt all the time.
3. When someone ask you something on a professional level, reply them. They are not asking for your marriage proposal.
4. When someone hurt you in the past. Don’t put your past anguish on somebody else. They don’t deserve it.
5. Don’t never ever contact your ex. Time is a great healer. The more you spent time apart, the quicker you will be able to get over him/her. One day you will come to a point that you don’t need them anymore. Why? It is because time have healed you.
6. Don’t never ever block/delete/unfriend your ex. Let them do if they want but you don’t do it. Why? It is because you shouldn’t let their existence or non-existence bothers or affects you. You don’t matters to them. In the same way you shouldn’t let them matters to you. They are on their own and you are also on your own.
7. And most importantly, once the damage is done means it is done. There is no going back and there is also no turning back. Why? It is because life is too short to waste on the wrong person for the second time.
P.S: please pardon me if I make it too long.
P.P.S: You will not die if you observe any of the following points. Haha.
My ex and I have been broken up for 3 weeks. I have not attempted to contact him, but have seen his social media. He emotionally cheated on me a few times via social media. I forgave him and we moved forward. That was last year. Since our breakup, he has added back the same girls to his accounts. His accounts are public. He knows that would hurt me to see. I just don’t understand the why. He’s single and can do as he please, but the SAME girls? That screams lack of respect and care for me, in my opinion.
Hi Bee.
It was disrespectful of him to cheat on you in the first place.
In my opinion, you should have ended your relationship with him back then because he clearly didn’t improve since.
You’ll find someone better if you haven’t already.
Kind regards,
Zan
I know my comment is months later, but I want to talk about cheating of any kind. “once a cheater always a cheater” used to rub me the wrong way. But I’ve been with a few men who cheated and now have a different opinion.
I have found that men I know (exes, relatives and acquaintances alike) who have cheated do not change. Do not. I haven’t seen it. Doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but I think it’s such a deep character flaw that most people won’t put the work in to fix it. These guys are entitled and lack consideration. It’s so simple, really.
I was married to a man who cheated constantly. While he was begging and pleading for us to save our marriage (with snot and tears), I was observing him trying to get laid in vehicles with randoms in the same week while spying on him. He cried for years after. I expect him to cheat on every woman after me. It’s senseless, right? Cries his eyes out but continues to cheat.
I also dated a man who was apparently reformed from his old habits. He did have a history of cheating and other problems but had changed his life around, and I admit it looked promising. I gave him a chance. About a year in, I was told by a friend that he was on tinder and posted pics that I took of him! When confronted, he didn’t consider it cheating at all and took no responsibility. He simply was looking at what else was out in the world. I also began to see other red flags. They don’t change probably 99% of the time.
Hey Zan. I want to start off by saying that you have really helped me in my healing process over the past couple of months so thank you.
I’m in a bit of a predicament. So my ex was the one who dumped me over what she did. This was my first real break up and I didn’t know how to react to it and lost all emotional self control. I regretfully made a lot of post break up mistakes without even knowing it (until now when I started doing research on all of this). For about a month and a half after the break up, I would keep in contact with her on and off until we had our last argument which resulted in her walking away. She would then post depressing stuff on Snapchat and when I commented on it, she would delete it and post up about her best friend and how she’s going to get married to him. She did this for a good two weeks about stuff that seems like it was towards me, especially since she made her snaps private (with the lock icon). I wished her the best and went into indefinite no contact.
A couple of weeks later, she shows up to my workplace with her new guy but before I continue, here’s a bit of a backstory. She used to work where I work so she knows the schedule and facility and where I would be. She quit to go work somewhere else but now she comes back out of the blue on days that I work to make sure I see her with her new guy. I’m assuming she’s either trying to get my attention or trying to rub her new happy relationship in my face. I really didn’t understand why she was out to hurt me like that when I was nothing but good to her prior to the break up and tried my best to fight for the relationship until I read this article. She would tell others it was my fault that the break up happened despite her telling me personally that it was her fault and apologized for it.
Fast forward a month later and now she engaged to her new guy. It came as a complete shock to me how she can get engaged to someone so fast while completely showing up to my workplace to torment me. A bunch of my coworkers think that she’s still emotionally attached to me in some way. Every time she comes by with her new guy, I try not to show any reaction to it and just ignore her. I would notice that she would always look at me to try to make sure I see her with her new guy while she has her arms all over him. It hurt in the beginning but now it’s just getting annoying.
Now I see her in a new light and how emotionally insecure and immature she is. I wished her the best and left her alone so I can heal but she can’t seem to do the same and is completely spiteful to me and seems to want revenge for some reason even though she was the one who broke things off with me.
What’re you’re thoughts on this?
Hi T.
Your ex is indeed emotionally immature. If she weren’t, she wouldn’t be trying to hurt you on purpose and would just mind her business.
Since she’s the type to get back at you and hold grudges, you should avoid giving her a reaction. Just pretend she doesn’t exist.
And if she keeps doing this for months, then perhaps it’s not directed at you.
Best,
Zan
Thanks for the response! She finally stopped coming after a while of giving her no reaction whatsoever and acted like I don’t even know her. She probably got bored that I’m not giving her the light of day. At this point now, I don’t even want her back and turn inwards to self love and self healing.
A lot of people I talked to about this thinks she’s a textbook narcissist which led me to do a lot of research on the topic and I can definitely see it now. I’m now really glad I dodged a bullet. I feel bad for the guy who agreed to marry her only less than two months of getting with her. He has yet to see what’s underneath that mask of hers and by the time it falls off, it’ll be too late.
Hi T.
Proposing to someone after only two months is insane. He’s just barely getting to know her. After a while when he unmasks her, he might regret his decision.
As for you, I’m glad you realized she’s not worth your time. So give yourself all the love that you need, and I wish you the best of luck!
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Again, I really appreciate you for making this blog to help those like me who are currently healing and continuing to self improve. You help make this world a better place. All the best!
Thank you, T.
You inspire me to produce more content. 😊
Best,
Zan
Sometimes the dumper is simply emotionally immature and it’s their only way to deal with having ended the relationship. It’s a shield. It helps them to feel as if they’ve made the correct choice to leave you, even though they’re wracked with doubt and second guessing. Other times, they are as lost and fearful of the future as the dumpee, and being cruel and abusive makes them feel empowered, in charge of their life – even though it’s a pretty twisted way to achieve that feeling, and an illusion. It’s always about ego, ego, ego. A grown man or woman would never do that. Only emotionally stunted people would resort to cruelty and abuse towards an ex, especially if the ex was good to them in the relationship.
Hi again, Doug.
Very well said.
Emotionally mature people don’t behave in such destructive ways, but, unfortunately, everyone is in charge of their own emotions and behavior, so we can only control what’s in our power to control.
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
Hi Zan, great article has any of your exes come back? Anyway here’s my situation: my ex broke up with me over the last two months my knee jerk reaction was to talk her out of it but she didn’t reply to my text I already knew about no contact as I had broken up with her before and was looking for ways to convince her but realized it’s for people who got dumped not the other way around so the 1st time I chased her to convince her and got back together after about a week of separation. So when she broke up with me I later sent her a text to thank her for the relationship and accept her decision she then blocked me on Facebook which was weird given that I sent her a text via phone.
Fast forward 3 weeks later she unblocked me (I know I shouldn’t have been bothered but my 6th sense said I should just search her). I didn’t chase her but I knew I’d been unblocked then blocked again it’s been like that over 5 weeks now, no apology for her behavior I wished her the best and stopped communicating and her wall she suddenly has a marriage obsession and subliminally saying bad things about me though I know she’s not seeing anyone cause she’s depressed for reasons I won’t disclose.
I suspect she’s an avoidant because when she’d go aloof I’d explain to her that I have no problem giving her space as long as she says so and not just disappear and when that started an argument I’ve never expressed myself in an angry manner but would try to understand where she’s coming from and when she figures she’s wrong she’d just say “I guess”.
Anyway I’ve been blocked without abusing any lines of communication.
What’s the message she’s trying to send? Is it hopeless? I’ve reached the acceptance stage because hey even if I tried there’s no talking her out of it I’m just confused how she could toss it all in the bin and not look back or show accountability
By the way we’ve been together for about a year and she broke it off over an argument I feel unappreciated because it was avoidable and I didn’t say mean things instead I was accused and attacked then she dropped the phone next thing she cuts communication
Hi Skidipapa.
I was dumped once and that one hasn’t come back.
As for your ex, she has trouble lowering her ego and admitting she’s wrong. I wouldn’t expect an apology from her as she likely won’t give it.
Her blocking and unblocking is just her checking up on you and maybe, just maybe wanting to get a reaction out of you.
Stay in no contact.
Kind regards,
Zan