Updated on October 22, 2025
Avoidants often struggle with intimacy and attachment. They perceive relationships as emotionally draining, so they abandon them when they reach their emotional limits and think of their partners as the biggest stressors in their lives. Instead of working on problems with their partners or alone, they chose to avoid dealing with emotionally difficult situations by running away from them.
That way, they minimize stressors and focus only on things that make them feel in control of their lives. Control is very important to them because they’re used to being in charge and feeling solely responsible for their thoughts and emotions.
Okay, we now know why they leave a relationship. But why do avoidants come back? What urges them to reconcile?
I can tell you it’s not the sudden realization that they miss their ex and want to be loyal partners. Like most dumpers, avoidants return when things don’t go their way and they’re forced to realize that they left a good and healthy relationship. Bad experiences after the breakup tell them that what they had with their ex was stable and that they must recommit if they want that stability in their life.
Other than stability, they also crave familiarity. Regretful avoidants also feel lonely and nostalgic at times and remember they used to feel comfortable with their ex-partner. They wish they could talk to their ex, do things together, or simply have a good time. This kind of longing heightens their regrets, brings back their feelings, and triggers their sense of urgency.
They feel they must return quickly if they want their ex to love and respect them. They must return before their ex falls in love with someone else and forgets about them completely. Therefore, a fear of loss is extremely important. Avoidant dumpers must feel it strongly to rush back to their ex, confess their feelings, and state their expectations.
If they don’t feel that they’re losing their ex and missing out on a great life, they don’t return because they don’t feel any pressure to act. They simply keep their distance and talk to people who excite them or challenge them to try their hardest.
Sometimes, situational triggers, such as stressors at work or fallouts with family or friends, cause them to reflect and come back. But that rarely happens, as they usually turn to their support system for understanding and comfort.
Most of the time, they return when they start dating someone much worse than their ex and get hurt by him or her. Pain and failure show them they made a big mistake, destroy their ego, and force them to value their ex.
Avoidants must essentially experience something uncomfortable, shocking, or negative. Something that breaks their unhealthy opinion of their ex and makes them want to get emotionally close to him or her. You may not like hearing this, but it typically takes a bad dating experience to stop running away from the past and think about their decisions and feelings. A failure, rejection, or breakup can force them to look inward and question their self-worth and direction in life.
If they’re not happy with who they are and where they’re going, they get anxious and scared and start thinking about their backup options. Their backup options are usually people who understand them and validate them. In other words, they consider going back to their exes because their exes instantly hide their failures and take their pain and regrets away.
If you want to know why avoidants come back, they come back because they don’t have any other/better options. They can either move forward and slowly deal with the consequences of their actions or go back to an ex and instantly gain love, validation, and support. Ultimately, they decide what’s best for them, which is to return to an ex and rely on him or her for getting rid of problems and pain.
It’d be nice to think that they come back just for their ex, but that’s seldom, if ever, the case. Avoidants come back to someone they lost interest in and left when they experience situations and emotions they didn’t expect to encounter. Unwanted, uncomfortable, and painful situations and emotions open their eyes and show them that they overestimated themselves and underestimated their ex.
Avoidants may prefer space and emotional independence, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get disappointed and hurt (catalysts for wanting reassurance and closeness). Just like secure people, they go through ups and downs in life, need support, and realize they made mistakes.
Of course, not all avoidant people realize their mistakes, but those who do usually possess some level of self-awareness, which allows them to reflect on their behavior and take steps toward change. The more mature a person is, the more likely it is that the avoidant will recognize his or her problems and admit his or her mistakes.
That doesn’t mean the avoidant will work on them and ensure they don’t happen again in the future. It merely means that he or she becomes aware of them and takes responsibility. To not make the same mistakes in the future, the avoidant must commit to improving and actively work on his or her avoidance issues.
In today’s post, we answer the question: Why do avoidants come back? Understanding their patterns can help you recognize their motives and protect your emotional well-being.
Why do avoidants come back?
If you’re looking for a simple answer, avoidants come back because they try to find happiness on their own and fail. They fail to meet their expectations and, as a result, face reality. Reality teaches them that the life they envisioned was unrealistic, that it failed, and that they have to find a new path in life.
A path that distracts them from their failures and mends their wounds. Once they realize that they’re on the wrong path, they reflect on their decisions and actions and quickly run back to their ex for comfort, safety, and validation.
All in all, avoidants come back to get what they lost by running away. Whether it’s love, reassurance, or purpose, they want to reclaim it by reconnecting with their ex.
If your avoidant abandoned you to deal with his or her own issues, you need to know that your ex might not return. If your ex doesn’t resolve his or her issues and dissociate them from your persona, your ex might continue to blame you and/or move on to someone else. To someone who allows him or her to continue his or her avoidance cycle.
You might do everything right (leave your ex alone and focus on self-growth), but your ex still might not return. This is because it takes more than no contact and growth on your end to reconcile with an avoidant (or any ex for that matter). It takes a lot of growth on the dumper’s end to break negative thinking patterns and get rid of avoidance issues.
The avoidant must learn that he or she was solely or mainly responsible for the negative perceptions that led to the breakup and that it’s his or her job to fix the broken relationship.
Until the avoidant is aware of his or her mistakes and responsibilities, the avoidant won’t regret leaving and won’t get back together with you. If he or she returns without learning anything and regretting his or her decisions, the avoidant will soon get what he or she is after, lose interest again, and leave.
Don’t expect an avoidant or any unregretful ex to stay when he or she doesn’t even understand the reasons for leaving. Many dumpers who come back leave within a couple of weeks. They don’t stay long because they return for reasons unrelated to the relationship. Most of the time, they want forgiveness, validation, or security without putting in much effort.
Such relationships break at the core and make dumpees regret getting their hopes up and taking their ex back.
Anyway, avoidants tend to come back when life doesn’t turn out the way they imagined it would. They return when high expectations come crashing down on them, wound them, and show them that they aren’t as great as they thought they were. Destroyed ego and self-esteem help a lot with their perception of their ex and the desire to get back together.
So if you want to know why avoidants come back, it’s never due to positive reasons, such as happiness and success. They always come back when they’re unhappy and consider themselves unsuccessful. A lack of happiness and success forces them to engage in introspection and tells them to take back someone who can fix their problems and make them feel needed.
With that said, here’s why avoidants come back to someone they detached from and lost interest in.
When do avoidants usually come back?
It’s hard to say when avoidants regret leaving their ex because it usually depends on unpredictable circumstances out of their control. Sometimes it takes them weeks, other times months or even years.
It all depends on how long it takes for reality to set in and for them to realize that distance didn’t solve their internal struggles. When the excitement of independence fades and they’re faced with loneliness or regret, that’s often when avoidants start thinking about coming back. After that, it doesn’t take them long to act on their emotions and return to a familiar face.
From the time they get hurt and regret leaving, it usually doesn’t take more than a few days for them to stop feeling sorry for themselves and beeline back to their ex. A few days of sitting on their negative emotions are usually enough to return to someone they redevelop feelings for.
If you want your avoidant ex-partner to come back to you, you need to give your ex all the space in the world to enjoy his or her life, fail badly, reflect, and realize your worth. Your ex must think about his or her poor decisions and actions and want to make things right. When your ex wants to fix things, your ex will return to you at lightning speed and ask you for another chance.
You won’t have to do anything other than listen.
When an ex (avoidant or not) wants you back, he or she considers you an equal or even slightly above him or her. The dumper understands the importance of earning your trust back and wants to win you over, even if you’re hesitant. He or she knows the damage caused by abandonment and is typically okay with taking things slow.
As long as you forgive him or her and show eagerness to work things out, the dumper will be happy to agree to your terms and gradually earn your full acceptance.
I know you want your avoidant back yesterday, but your ex currently doesn’t care about what you want. Your ex wants to be alone and spend energy and time on other people or things. It doesn’t matter what your ex plans to do without you. All that matters is that your ex gets the space and time he or she needs to self-prioritize and not feel pressured.
When your ex feels free, respected, and in complete control, your ex must explore his or her life and hit a snag. That’s when your ex will get a chance to truly think things through and determine if leaving was the right thing to do. Right now, it is because it lets your ex experience true freedom. But later, that might change. Especially if your ex encounters problems he or she lacks the answers to.
So don’t assume that your avoidant ex will feel regret within a specific timeframe. It’s hard to predict when or if your ex will engage in reflection and come back to invest in you and the relationship. The best thing you can do is focus on things you can control and keep yourself busy.
Your avoidant ex will either come back or show you that you can do much better.
Still wondering why avoidants come back after a while? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
However, if you want to talk to us about dealing with avoidant exes, feel free to subscribe to coaching and reach out directly.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
