Why Did My Ex Come Back And Leave Again?

When your ex comes back and leaves again, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for your ex’s departure. And that explanation is that your ex couldn’t resolve old issues and develop new thinking and behavioral patterns. He or she just couldn’t (or didn’t want to) disassociate old problems from your persona and start anew, which is why your ex continued to doubt your worth as his or her romantic partner and detached.

Eventually, your ex lost all romantic feelings, got tired of staying in an unfulfilling/emotionally draining relationship, and felt that the best thing to do was to self-prioritize and be on his or her own again. Bad thoughts and feelings essentially overweighed the good, so your ex left despite coming back and promising/thinking things would be different.

All in all, we could say that your ex lacked the determination to work on the relationship with you. Instead of discussing old and new issues with you and putting his or her best foot forward your ex went on autopilot and assumed the relationship would fix itself and get stronger. But in reality, it got weaker and continued to get weaker until your ex stopped loving you and staying committed to you and decided you weren’t his or her ideal partner.

That’s when your ex left again and made you go through another breakup.

So if your ex came back and left again, know that it wasn’t your fault. The problem was that your ex expected old issues to magically disappear when those issues needed more work than ever before.

They needed reassurance that you were both more self-aware and willing to overcome any problems you encountered together as a couple as well as individuals and that you truly loved each other and knew what you needed to work on.

But because you merely resumed the relationship from where you left off, you couldn’t deal with problems in new/healthy ways. You probably both responded to them similarly as before and put a strain on the relationship. I’m not necessarily saying your problems were arguments, but that there were issues you neglected and that those issues slowly and silently plagued the relationship.

There could have been issues such as:

• poor commitment and maturity
• unhealthy relationship mentality
• a lack of communication, gratitude, and desire to grow together and individually
• trust issues/childhood issues, personal shortcomings
• an inability to express emotions or concerns
• an unwillingness to leave the past behind

These problems couldn’t improve without self-awareness and a lot of hard work, so they only got worse with time. That’s because people who get back together need to understand their partner’s importance and redevelop their commitment to their partner. If they don’t think fondly of their partner, they usually come back for the wrong reasons and leave again.

They just don’t have what it takes to make a broken relationship work after they’ve lost feelings and hope.

I want you to understand that many exes come back and leave again. Some leave months later, but most leave after a week or two. I’d say two weeks into the new relationship is when dumpers who come back for selfish purposes or those who aren’t ready for a serious commitment usually leave.

This is because they go through a quick infatuation phase with their partner and run out of emotional reasons to persevere and stay committed. In other words, they realize that love isn’t there anymore and that they must distance themselves from their partner and seek happiness elsewhere.

In this article, we’ll answer the question, “Why did my ex come back and leave again?” We’ll talk about the reasons why dumpers leave and give you some advice on what to do when a person leaves twice or thrice.

Why did my ex come back and leave again?

I know I said it’s not your fault your ex left after coming back, but if you said or did something self-degrading, you may have contributed to the breakup (not forced it). Many people (especially guys) don’t understand and respect romantic partners who are anxious, insecure, and in pain.

They consider their behavior to be clingy, needy, and controlling, so they get overwhelmed and associate negative emotions with them. They get hurt, so they leave when the pain becomes intolerable for them.

The same is true for your ex. If the guy or woman perceived you the same as before the previous breakup or if you were visibly anxious and afraid of getting dumped again, it’s possible that you gave your ex too much power and appeared weak for him or her.

Your lack of assertiveness may have given your ex a chance to control the relationship and prevented him or her from feeling the need or desire to invest in it. Why would your ex invest emotions and time when you’re at your ex’s mercy and don’t require your ex to invest, right?

Well, some people know they need to respect their partner even if their partner is scared, anxious, depressed, and doesn’t respect himself or herself. They know their partner is going through a difficult time and that their partner’s self-esteem shouldn’t determine how they think of their partner and treat him or her.

But, unfortunately, many people aren’t that understanding. Many people can’t put themselves in their partner’s shoes, so they take advantage of their partner by hogging all the power. By doing so, they make important decisions by themselves and lose interest in the relationship when they lose respect for their partner.

I’m telling you this so you know that if you chased your ex after the reconciliation and bent over backwards for him or her that it may not have been very helpful. Your ex probably liked it at first, but because you didn’t stand up for yourself, your ex stopped seeing you as an equal.

This made your ex detach—and you know the rest.

Another possible reason why your ex came back and left again is that your ex came back for selfish purposes. If he or she came back because of anxiety, guilt, jealousy, sex, boredom, or anything other than love, your ex came back for himself/herself rather than you.

And when your ex got what he or she needed from you, your ex left to continue to self-prioritize.

Here are some possible reasons why your ex left after coming back.

Don’t blame yourself!

Look, even if you didn’t love yourself and tell your ex what you expected from him or her after getting back together, your ex should have tried to understand how you felt and why you felt that way. Your ex should have valued you whether you felt confident in your skin or not.

That’s what partners who love each other do. They don’t measure each other’s worth based on how self-assured they are and how many people of the preferred gender find them attractive.

Only people who haven’t grown up do that. They think their partner’s value is determined by how attractive their partner is, how much money their partner earns, what kind of people their partner hangs out with, and how easy it is for their partner to find someone else.

Such things are by definition superficial. If their partner loses a job, gets his or her skin damaged, or gets kicked out of a popular group, their partner’s value in their eyes plummets significantly. That’s because they can no longer benefit from their partner in ways that are the most important to them and fail to appreciate the things that make their partner the person he or she is.

So if you picked up some trust issues and fears and weren’t the most confident and secure person after the reconciliation, don’t blame yourself too much. Your ex should have been more understanding of the trust he or she had broken because trust takes months to repair. The dumper needs to be patient and wait as long as it takes, even if it takes years for the dumpee to process the past and lower his or her guard.

But if you didn’t have difficulty trusting your ex and expressing things to your ex, then you’re even less responsible for the breakup. You can’t take the blame because your ex probably came back to gain things from you and didn’t want to improve relationship standards and old habits.

Your ex likely just came back because he or she felt a bit nostalgic and wanted to know what you think and feel.

Whatever the case may be, a person who comes back and leaves again probably doesn’t deserve another chance. It’s up to you to decide, of course, but if your ex comes back after leaving you twice, the chances of the relationship working out are not very big.

2 breakups significantly decrease the dumper’s commitment to the relationship and add a lot of uncertainty to it.

Be more careful next time

Every time your ex comes back, it’s much more unlikely that he or she will gather the determination to work things out with you. You should take extra caution because you don’t want another breakup that hurts you and makes you wonder if you mean anything to your ex.

You want a relationship that lasts and makes you feel secure and important. And you can’t have that kind of relationship if your ex keeps taking you for granted and leaving you. You can have a relationship in which you can’t tell what your ex thinks and feels about you.

So decide how many breakups you’re willing to put up with. You’ve been broken up with twice now. It may be a good time to start detaching from your ex and planning a life without your ex. If you do that, you might realize that you shouldn’t have accepted your ex back last time and that you deserve more than your ex can offer.

You probably don’t want to hear this right now, but give it some thought a few months from now, and your perception of your ex will likely change. You won’t feel the way you do right now because eventually, you’ll start caring about yourself more than your ex and perhaps even meet someone better than your ex.

You don’t know what the future holds, but you don’t need to worry about that right now. The most important thing is that you focus on detaching from your ex and finding happiness within yourself. A time will come when you rationally and emotionally understand why your ex came back and left again and that a person who leaves you once (or twice) will likely leave again.

Did your ex come back and leave again? Did it make you feel used? Comment below the post.

And as always, if you want to talk to us about it privately, take a look at our coaching services.

Stay safe!

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.