We Broke Up, Got Back Together, And Got Married

Some couples break up, get back together, and get married. They do this because they realize that they’re well-suited for each other and that there’s no need for them to go look/keep looking for different people. They’ve already found the person that works for them.

They just need to learn to value each other and respect each other’s differences. Instead of rejecting differences and seeing them as incompatibilities, they need to see them as minor personality differences and accept them. That’s how they can desert the notion that there’s someone better out there for them who will need less adjusting and maturing to make the relationship work.

Although there probably is someone out there who has less work to do on himself/herself, looking for that person is oftentimes completely unnecessary. Not only is it a waste of time and effort, but there’s also no guarantee that he or she will make a better romantic partner.

That person may be better at making money and being more social, for example, but he or she may not necessarily be better at maintaining a romantic relationship and living joyfully.

People are different because we go through different things in life. No one is perfect because even if we had the most perfect parents who knew what they were doing to us psychologically, there are still things in life meant for us to learn on our own.

And those things are relationships.

In relationships, we don’t just learn how to work with our partners. We learn how to work with our grumpy selves. What I mean by that is that when we’re single, we don’t project stress, anxiety, pain, jealousy, and other similar things at people.

We internalize these emotions and sometimes share them with our friends and family. But even if we share them with our loved ones, they don’t take them personally. They’re not close enough to us for them to get affected by them.

Our partners, on the other hand, do. They’re emotionally connected with us and therefore, get frustrated when they feel like we’re projecting our frustrations at them. This is what causes arguments over trivial matters and often escalates into big arguments.

I’m telling you this because couples tend not to understand this. They tend to blame each other for their lack of self-development and internal happiness. It’s not until some time later (after the breakup) that they realize they’re still grumpy with other romantic partners and that all they needed was some self-awareness, motivation, and space from their ex-partner to improve the things they needed to improve.

That’s when they start feeling bad for how they behaved throughout the relationship and come back more eager to work on themselves and control unhealthy thoughts and emotions.

The reason why couples break up so often is that they stop appreciating each other. Instead of focusing on the things that are working, they focus on the things that aren’t and reject them. They reject them so much that they associate negative feelings with each other and fall out of love when negative feelings get out of control.

If they spend enough time reflecting after the breakup, they normally realize they both have things to work on and get back together. They grow their love and stay together. But if they are too hurt by the breakup and blame each other instead, then they usually become bitter and continue thinking their ex was the worst.

Such ex-couples tend not to make any personal changes and improvements. They remain as they are and usually go from one relationship to the next without much success.

For them to change and come back, they need to suffer and be proven wrong because that’s the only way for them to open their eyes and see that their ex was better than they made him or her out to be.

Today, we’re going to talk about couples who broke up, got back together, and got married. We’re going to discuss why such couples improved so much and what they should do to stay happily married.

We broke up, got back together, and got married

In my opinion, couples who were broken up for a short time (a few weeks) shouldn’t rush back into a relationship and get married. Marriage on its own doesn’t mean that they’ve done the necessary self-work and that they’re capable of committing long-term.

They may want a long-term commitment, but that doesn’t automatically indicate that they’re ready to maintain it. To maintain it, they both need to focus on their shortcomings individually and then communicate about the things they’d like to work on together.

Communication is important, but so is acceptance. A person in a relationship probably needs to accept more than he or she needs to change about the other person. This is because differences are normal and healthy. They make the relationship more interesting, but also more challenging at times. Especially when there are gender/cultural differences.

It’s no secret that we sometimes say or do something our partner doesn’t appreciate. But that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re at fault. It just means we’re different and that unless it’s unhealthy, we may not need to change that about ourselves at all.

The reason we want to change certain words our partner uses is that we associate bad feelings with them. For example, if one of our exes used a certain word in an angry tone, we feel that that particular word makes us feel on edge and that we don’t want to keep hearing it and feeling that way.

We want the unpleasantness to stop, so we tell or ask our partner not to use it anymore. We do this because it’s easier for us to push the problem away than to disassociate the unpleasantness from the word itself.

In psychology, the meaning we give to a word is called perception. It’s our understanding of the world without necessarily understanding where our understanding comes from.

We just know that certain words or actions make us uncomfortable, so we try to make our partner do the heavy lifting for us. Perceptions aren’t easy to change because they require self-awareness and emotional strength. They demand an understanding of what caused us to interpret it the way we do and knowledge on how we can change it.

Not everyone has the emotional intelligence and willpower necessary to discover why they are the way they are. Most people run away from the kinds of perceptions that make them feel uncomfortable and misunderstood. Doing so is much easier.

What about you? Do you understand why you like or don’t like certain things?

• Do you understand why you like a specific sport, hobby, type of movie?
• Do you remember why you dislike certain activities, behaviors, people, places?

If you can go back in time to that particular moment that made you feel good or conversely, feel bad, you can discover the root cause of your perception. And when you understand what triggered that particular feeling that developed into a perception, you can then change it if necessary. You just have to put in the effort.

You can change things you don’t like about your partner and be happier with him or her, too.

Some of the things you can change about your partner are the way you feel about your partner’s:

• money-spending habits
• untidiness
• loud chewing
• taking long to respond
• cracking knuckles
• smoking
• talking a lot

You see, not all things are your partner’s fault. Some things require you to rewire your brain so you can be more accepting and loving towards your partner.

Sometimes a breakup can help an ex-couple break their thinking patterns and rewire their perceptions. This is because a breakup creates the necessary emotional space for an ex-couple to see things more rationally – more clearly. It gives an ex-couple enough time to become more accepting of each other’s bad characteristics and grateful for the good ones.

So if you broke up, got back together, and then got married, things must have improved during the time you spent away from each other. You probably spent some time reflecting on your flaws and the things you took for granted—and your ex probably did the same.

Who did what after the breakup probably depends on who broke up with who because the dumpee tends to put the dumper on a pedestal whereas the dumper who comes back realizes he or she had taken the dumpee for granted. The realization that he or she has made a huge mistake triggers regret and enables him or her to work on personal shortcomings and unhealthy perceptions.

The more regret and pain the dumper encounters, the more he or she tends to improve within.

What did you and your ex improve?

If you and your ex broke up and got back together—and it’s been months since you got married, you most likely improved many things. You became more grateful to have each other in your lives and as a result, strengthened your bond, willpower, and commitment to the relationship.

You realized that you were good for each other but that you previously weren’t able to see that because you weren’t emotionally ready and/or mature enough to understand your frustrations and accept each other’s shortcomings.

Unless you got married like a week after getting back together, you probably didn’t neglect the work that needed to be done, nor did you get married just to have a little honeymoon/infatuation phase. You got married because you realized you still loved each other and that searching for someone else would be a waste of time.

Not only would it take time to find someone to get along with, but it’d also be completely unnecessary because most things between you and your ex were fixable with sheer will and effort.

So if your relationship is growing strong, the biggest thing you’ve learned from this prolonged experience is that you must respect, value, and commit to the person you’re with. You must give it your best because relationships demand it no matter who you’re with. All relationships go through ups and downs. But only the strongest ones make it through the storm.

You’ve probably also realized that everyone has shortcomings and that you must learn which ones to accept and which ones to communicate about. Some shortcomings weren’t even shortcomings. They only appeared that way to you because your understanding of them was your understanding that had nothing to do with your partner and the reality of the situation.

There’s so much a person can learn about relationships, so it’d be impossible for me to talk about all the things you’ve improved and have yet to improve.

I’ll just generalize them by writing them below, and you can see for yourself what you’ve improved on:

• Emotional maturity
• Self-awareness
• Gratitude
• Determination
• Self-control
• Honesty
• Problem-solving skills
• Trust
• Perceptions
• Understanding
• Respect
• Individuality

How to stay happily married after getting back together?

To stay together after breaking up, you must start dealing with differences, disagreements, arguments, stressors, and unpredictable difficulties better than before. You must understand that relationships are fragile and that improper care and nurturing could result in another separation.

You don’t need to be hypervigilant and fearful of saying or doing something wrong because that will give you anxiety and probably cause more issues down the road. Instead, you should communicate about the things that bother you in a healthy manner, accept some of your partner’s differences, and make sure to take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.

Although it’s good to stay close to your partner, you should also have a life outside of the relationship. By having your own friends and hobbies to spend time with, you will look and feel independent and have your partner respect you for it. This is necessary so you don’t depend on your partner for happiness and exhaust him or her with high expectations and demands.

You must do things differently than last time.

If you were severely attached to your partner and had low self-esteem, you must do your best to create a self-sustaining lifestyle.

If you were too avoidant, unreceptive, and a bad listener, you must become better at listening and speak to your partner the way he or she wants to be spoken to. Identify what love language your partner speaks and learn how to be emotionally closer to him/her.

And if your attitude was not good because you were reacting to stressors and certain perceptions, then take the time to work on that too. Improving these things won’t just make you into a better romantic partner but also a better friend, colleague, and person in general.

So if you got back together and married your ex, focus on your shortcomings rather than your partner’s. Trust your partner that he or she knows what to work on while you stay busy with your own flaws. You’ll be surprised how much better your relationship will be if you just improve your understanding of the world and the way you perceive love and react to negative emotions.

And yes, one person can’t carry the relationship all by himself. But he can make changes that will give the relationship a chance to overcome some old issues and avoid new ones.

Some couples break up again even after getting married

If you married your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, keep in mind that you’re not out of the woods just yet. Self-work and cooperation don’t end with a marriage. All the lessons you’ve learned during the time apart were merely lessons.

You still have to put them into practice and see how your partner responds to them. I know it probably feels like things are off to a good start, but if you got married quickly after getting back together, you need to know that you’re going through a temporary honeymoon phase.

Once you get to the end of that stage, your relationship is going to be put to the test. It’s going to experience certain stressors and demand that you react better to them.

If you react better, your relationship is going to have a good chance to grow stronger than ever before. React the same as before the breakup, though, and the relationship won’t be any different. It will be the same because the same issues will resurface.

You can stay happy in a relationship with your husband or wife if you successfully identify issues that broke you up last time and work on them. You need to make self-improvement a part of your daily life so you don’t take your partner for granted and/or take your frustrations out on him or her.

If you broke up and got back together, this is your chance to evolve and do things differently. Don’t waste it like so many other couples who think that relationships are supposed to work on their own without putting in any effort.

Such people live in a fairy tale and don’t understand that the success of long-term relationships depends on the will to make it work.

Did you break up, got back together, and then married? What did you discover during the time apart and how is your relationship working now? Feel free to share your experiences and tips below the post.

And if you’d like to discuss things with us privately, learn more about our coaching by clicking here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.