The Ex-wife That Never Goes Away

The phrase “the ex-wife that never goes away” is often used colloquially to describe a situation where someone’s former spouse continues to be a significant presence or influence in his or her life. The ex-wife feels privileged to post-breakup communication and refuses to stop being involved.

She enjoys the perks of staying in touch too much to respect her ex-husband’s independence and privacy as well as his new (potential) partner.

An ex-wife that never goes away likes the comfort of talking to the ex-husband she used to be close to. Either that or has obligations that tie her to her ex. Obligations such as shared bills, work, pets, and children. She thinks her life currently intertwines with her ex’s and that they need to work together to reach their mutual goals.

If she has no kids or financial obligations with her ex, on the other hand, she probably just sticks around out of habit. She’s attached and used to being around her ex (especially if she got dumped) or doesn’t see the need to distance herself fully and give her ex the space to move on.

In her mind, she needs to do what’s best for her. And what’s best is to continue getting what she’s getting out of her relationship.

Ex-wives who get dumped often refuse to accept the breakup. They don’t want to lose their ex (even though that has already happened), so they look for common interests that would make their ex feel connected to them.

To keep their ex in their life, they insert themselves into their ex’s life, create problems to solve together, and try to make themselves look and feel useful.

Their self-esteem took a hit, so they want to feel valued and respected by the person who caused them pain and no longer wants them.

Such exes may ask for help, offer help, and try to convince their ex that they’re needed. By doing so, they continuously get involved in their ex’s life and make their ex’s life difficult as a result.

If their ex-husband is with someone else, they also make the new person raise red flags and wonder why the person she’s seeing is so involved with his ex-wife.

The first thing she suspects is that someone may still have feelings and that it’s not safe for her to fully trust and invest.

So if you’re dealing with an ex-wife who seems to never go away, know that both parties need to establish boundaries that encourage them to disconnect from each other and become fully independent. Boundaries allow them to eventually meet and connect with other people and have new romantic relationships.

If it’s been months since they separated, someone (probably the ex-wife) doesn’t understand why it’s important to create post-breakup boundaries and get space from each other. She’s probably in pain due to the rejection or thinks that they need to work together as former partners.

This kind of thinking doesn’t help. It makes dumpees more anxious and forces them to act on their feelings. 

Whatever the reason for staying involved after the breakup may be, it’s not healthy and respectful to the person who wants to move on. It’s also unfair to new potential partners who want their partner’s ex-wife gone.

That’s why it’s in everyone’s best interest to discuss boundaries and come up with solutions that respect their wants and needs. It’s not an easy conversation to have, especially if the wife and husband stayed friends for months or years after the breakup.

But it’s a conversation they need to have if they want to be happy on their own and with other people. They must remember they separated because their relationship wasn’t working and that they can no longer treat each other as if they’re together.

That must stop so they can move forward and experience everything life has to offer.

The topic for today is the ex-wife that never goes away. We discuss why she sticks around and what can be done to rectify the situation.

The ex-wife that never goes away

If your or your partner’s ex-wife doesn’t plan to go away, you need to understand her reasons for not going away. Understanding her reasons will help you see that she’s a human being who needs to realize that being close to her ex-husband after the breakup is detrimental to all parties’ health and well-being.

It constantly drags them into the past and makes them worry about problems that should no longer be there.

So first things first, remember that this person could be attached to her ex-husband. She might have gotten her heart broken—or perhaps she broke up with her ex and chose to stay on good terms with him to not lose him and feel alone.

Some people keep their exes around for safety and convenience.

They enjoy the way their ex makes them feel and fear losing their ex completely. In other words, they want friendship and act as if the breakup doesn’t change anything for them. Such people refuse to go away despite their relationship ending and needing them to disassociate from each other.

They don’t see or care that their post-breakup behavior hinders detachment and complicates the relationships they and their new partner will get into.

All they care about are the benefits they can continuously receive from their ex.

Bear in mind that an ex-wife that never goes away may also have ulterior motives. She may be friends with her ex-husband to prevent him from dating other people and eventually get another chance with him.

If she still has feelings and/or is vengeful, she could ruin or try to ruin his new relationships by giving him bad advice and saying nasty things about the people he dates.

I can’t say whether the person in question wants friendship, relationship, or acquaintanceship. But if she talks strictly about unfinished business such as belongings, kids, or divorce, she probably just wants to be done with the relationship and move on as quickly as possible.

This is something you need to figure out on your own. You can get to the bottom of your ex’s intentions by analyzing the things your ex-wife talks about and needs from you.

If she wants to finish unfinished business and doesn’t ask for affection and time to talk about random things, she’s probably over you and will stop bothering you as soon as she makes plans with you and gets what she needs.

But if the breakup destroyed her self-esteem and made her want to be with you more than ever, then she’ll likely keep trying to obtain your love and validation until she discovers no contact and understands that she won’t accomplish anything by staying in your life.

The main question regarding an ex-wife that doesn’t seem to go away is whether she’s sticking around because she wants to or because she needs to.

Obviously, she can’t completely cut her ex-husband out of her life if she has kids with him. But what she can do is limit conversations strictly to children and other unfinished business such as what happens to the house and the items they purchased together. 

She needs to talk only about such matters as personal questions and intrusive behaviors suffocate the dumper and give the dumpee hope. For these reasons, ex-couples must set boundaries and stick to them at all costs. They must respect each other’s need for space and desire to move forward with life.

If they don’t respect each other, they could bring out the worst in each other and become resentful and competitive, which would in turn, delay their healing and make them miserable.

So if your, your partner’s, or someone’s ex-wife didn’t go away even after months of breaking up, know that the situation might be more complicated than you think. They could be forced to work together, have unresolved romantic feelings, or feel anxious or guilty for hurting each other.

For some reason, they like or need to interact with each other and seem stuck with each other for life. That’s probably not true, though. Even though the ex-wife may never go away fully, she will eventually move on and fall in love with someone else.

When that happens she’ll stop bothering her ex-husband and talk to him only about important topics such as kids. When the kids are grown up, they could stop interacting or interact even less.

That being said, here’s why some ex-wives never go away or make it seem like they’ll be around forever.

What can you do about the ex-wife that never goes away?

There’s a lot you can do when an ex-wife is struggling to detach from you. The first thing you can do is talk to her and offer her support. Make sure she understands why the relationship has ended and why it’s important that you don’t interact anymore.

She needs to know that there’s no hope of getting back together and that letting go of the idea of being together is the only viable solution to her problems. Of course, don’t tell her this directly, but do say you both need space to process things and fall back in love with yourselves.

Avoid saying things like, “Maybe we’ll get back together in the future” as such statements give unnecessary hope and delay detachment. Your ex-wife needs to know that the only path forward is the path on which you aren’t on.

When she accepts that, she’ll stop feeling anxious and desperate for your attention and affection and understand she feels better when she doesn’t interact with you. Therefore, be patient, empathetic, and supportive.

Answer her questions, give her closure, and treat her as you’d expect her to treat you if the roles were reversed.

If the breakup happened recently, it could take her a few months to process the rejection and stop begging you to take her back. It depends mainly on her self-esteem and what you say and do.

If you call her names and start dating someone else, she obviously won’t like that. She’ll think something’s wrong with her and crave your reassurance even more. To protect her, you should talk to her only when she reaches out and needs emotional support.

On the other hand, if your ex-wife can’t stop talking to you because you have kids and need to regularly talk about them, then you and your new partner will have to accept that your ex-wife will be around for quite some time.

She won’t go anywhere because the kids will always come first. You’ll probably need to find someone who understands that you’re talking to your ex not because you want to but because you need to.

Eventually, you’ll all get used to it and accept it as a completely normal thing. It’s only a matter of time before your ex-wife’s presence and behavior stop affecting you and your new (future) partners.

So if you can’t get rid of your ex-wife, learn to deal with her when you need to. A healthy relationship with someone you need but don’t want will promote your emotional well-being now and in the long run.

Just make sure your ex-wife understands where the boundaries are and that she avoids crossing them. You can do this by talking about boundaries and reaching out to each other only when you need to.

Are you currently dealing with an ex-wife that never goes away? What is your ex’s reason for staying in your life? Let us know in the comments below.

However, if you’d prefer to go into detail and discuss things privately, sign up for coaching with us here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.