Instead of reveling in a summer romance this year, you suffered a summer breakup.
You did all the right things after the breakup, however. You didn’t whine, you didn’t plead, you didn’t beg your ex to give you another chance.
You protested a bit, of course, and told your ex that he or she was making a huge mistake in letting you go. It was clear from your ex’s tone that you weren’t going to get anywhere with your protest.
So after a passionate but brief exchange, you stoically accepted the decision and walked away.
You didn’t sleep well that first night after the breakup. It was so tempting to reach for your phone in the middle of the night and text your ex.
As you tossed and turned in bed, you started second-guessing your decision not to be friends. In the stillness of the night, you cried, and you pretty much stumbled around like a zombie the whole next day.
Should I text my ex happy holidays?
You didn’t crack. You stayed strong. You stayed in no contact and focused on yourself and your healing. And you’re moving on. It’s a good feeling.
But now three months later, The Holidays are bearing down on you. And you’re facing a dilemma: “Should I reach out and wish my ex a Happy Thanksgiving?”
“Should I send my ex a Christmas card? Or a card to my ex’s parents? They were always so nice to me.” “Should I send my ex a Happy New Year’s text when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st?”
You’re not a heartless person, of course. You’re full of love and good cheer and you wish for peace on Earth each and every holiday season.
So what’s the harm in breaking no contact just to say happy holidays? Even during the bitter fighting of World War I, both sides stopped killing each other for one day so they could celebrate a Christmas truce.
You want to let your ex know that you still love him or her, right?
Unfortunately, boys and girls, if you’re in no contact, you have to stay in no contact.
Especially if you want to give yourself the best odds of attracting your ex back to you. And that means no Merry Christmas greetings, no Happy Hanukkah text, or no Happy New Year’s message.
Nothing.
It’s tough, this love business. But before you get all soft like a gingerbread man, remember what your ex did and said during your breakup.
“I love you, but only as a friend.”
“I think we’ll both be happier seeing other people.”
“I want you to be happy.”
Yes, you probably heard many of them—all the standard brush-off lines. And when you finally fell asleep later that night your pillowcase was tear-stained.
Don’t weaken now, dear reader.
You’ve done a great job maintaining no contact for days, weeks, or months. Do not waver. Do not cave. Stay in no contact and enjoy the holidays with those who truly care about you and who are loyal to you.
Your ex believed that he or she was better off without you. Do not reward your ex’s thinking—and especially, do not reward your ex’s actions.
Possible outcomes
I know you may be fantasizing about how your ex would perceive a holiday greeting from you. So let’s look at fantasy vs. reality.
Your Thanksgiving fantasy:
You sent your ex a Thanksgiving text: “Hey, long time no talk to. I just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Turkey Day!” You’d hoped for the following response: “OMG, so nice to hear from you! That was sweet of you to remember. You’re so wonderful.”
The reality:
You sent your ex that Thanksgiving text and he or she tersely responded, “Thanks.” Or your ex didn’t respond at all and thought, “I could have that turkey back with a snap of my fingers.”
Ouch.
Your Christmas fantasy:
You send your ex a small Christmas gift, a token of your lingering affection. Your ex calls you back and says, “Merry Christmas! That was so thoughtful! I really miss you.”
The reality:
Your ex opens the gift on Christmas morning and it goes in the pile with his or her dozen other presents. A day or two later, you receive a curt, joyless text from your ex: “Thanks for the gift.” Or maybe a week later, you get your own package in the mail. It’s your gift, unopened, with a small note: “Thanks, but I can’t accept.”
The key point to remember is this: your ex will not respect you more if you contact him or her during the holidays. Your ex will respect you less. And you’ll lessen your chances that you’ll win your ex back.
When you remain in strict no contact, it tends to create unease in the mind of your ex. As for you, when you’re anxious about something, the desire grows for it.
For example, the more anxious you are about money, the more you desire it. If your ex is anxious about whether you’ve moved on, he or she may start to desire you again and want you back.
But if you break no contact for any reason, you alleviate any anxiety on the part of your ex and any desire that is building for you immediately wanes.
Is it ever okay to break no contact and send holiday greetings?
Yes, but only if you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that you don’t want your ex back and that you’re okay with being platonic friends.
Also, if you’ve been in no contact, for nine months, or more and you haven’t heard from your ex, you may want to reach out and see if you can stir the pot a little.
I don’t recommend this, because your ex will get an ego boost from your contact, and although your ex may appreciate hearing from you, don’t expect him or her to turn cartwheels for you.
You’ll be at a disadvantage in terms of relationship equity—as your ex will continue to hold the upper hand.
And that’s how you may be setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.
Keep in mind that human beings value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. One of the reasons why your ex broke up with you may well have been that you were too available, and your ex knew that he or she could always have you.
Basically, your value plummeted in his or her eyes.
By contacting your ex during the holidays, you’re only reaffirming what your ex already believes: that he or she can always have you.
You’re like a puppet on a string, easy to manipulate, easy to cajole, always at the beck and call of your ex.
And that is exactly what you do NOT want. When you refuse to go soft and remain solidly no contact, your ex will likely think that he or she has lost your affection, and this anxiety will help spur your ex to contact you at some point.
If you make things easy for your ex, however, he or she will never have space and distance to miss you and truly appreciate you. Never forget that your ex broke up with you, not the other way around.
You owe your ex nothing in terms of holiday wishes, greetings, and gifts. What you owe is the gift of peace of mind for yourself.
If you’re a girl and you’re tempted to send your ex-boyfriend a holiday greeting, repeat this mantra: Let him feel the loss. Let him learn the lesson of appreciating me.
If you’re a guy and you’re tempted to send your ex-girlfriend a holiday greeting, say this to yourself: Let her feel the loss. Let her learn the lesson of appreciating me.
Stay strong and maintain the ultimate respect for yourself. Stay in no contact through the holidays and you’ll feel more empowered and more at peace as you head into the new year.
Are you tempted to reach out to your ex during the holidays? Express your wishes to those who deserve them instead in the comments below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello,
I was wondering what if its the other way around? So in august me and my ex broke up. I went in no contact, took my dignity and worked on myself. It is still a very hard process cause i miss him a lot but i didnt let my sadness take control over my actions. However the no contact was broken many times by him and we met up once as well. He kept telling me it is better that were not together but that he really appreciates me as a person and wants to keep me in his life. Last time the no contact was a bit longer (3.5 weeks) till i found a christmas card in my mailbox yesterday. Its not really a christmascard though.. its him saying that he still sometimes thinks about our fun and beautiful memories and that he hopes i am well and that he really likes me as a person. He says in his card as well that he wrote my parents a christmas card. Just to reveal his gratitude of how welcomed he was in our family. Second half of the card is him telling what is going on in his life. That he is doing way better now, has a new job, will go travelling and a lof of details i cant do anything with. He ends the card with wishing me the very best. Wondering what your thought is about that? I thought about not responding? Cause there is no question for me in the card
Hi Maggie.
He’s made it clear numerous that he wants to be your friends and string you along. Since he won’t give you what you want (a relationship), you need to cut him off immediately. Don’t be a friend to him because it won’t bring him back. It will just torment you.
He’s telling you things about his life but not showing any interest in yours. He isn’t even sorry or anything. He doesn’t see that his actions hurt you and delay healing. Go no contact by telling him not to reach out anymore. Do that when you hear from him.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Axel,
I initiated the break up, mainly because he has been a bit cold. I keep getting mix vibes from him. He can be very sweet, then cold in way ( no contact for some days, when this happens most of the time I intiate contact again, few times he does). Then at times he may call several times in
day . I feel I am putting more effort in the relationship than he does. I do not want that anymore. It is a long distance relationship.
Presently, we are in no contact just started, but Easter is around the corner. I know I am not going to send a message, but if he does should I ignore or should I reply? I want him back, but at the same time I want something different and I want him to know I can ignore him too.
What a great article… Thank you!
After her breakup with me, which involved no begging, no pleading or no complaining but only sadness and acceptance on my part, I have been in No Contact for close to 6 months now. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I have been contemplating on sending a card merely to wish her and her family a very safe and happy Thanksgiving. It’s very tempting. And my intentions are sincere. I’m not looking to get back together now. But it would be nice to eventually return to some form of relationship.
But your article reaffirms, no matter how hard or how tempting, I absolutely MUST resist the urge to reach out. My only chance of ever hearing from this woman ever again is for her to reach out on her own terms.
In the mean time, I will continue to work on me, go easy on me and love me. I will acknowledge that she didn’t value me as a person and didn’t want to remain in touch. I will let go of the guilt and recognize I’m not a selfish or bad person for not keeping in touch during the holidays. I am giving her exactly what she asked for… a life without me.
This is tough to accept. Even after 6 months.
I’m trying to stay strong.
You’re definitely not alone feeling this way. I am in similar situation and was contemplating the Thanksgiving card. I even bought one. It is very tough to accept. Hang in there.
i am already broken have no word brother and sisters
I decided not to send my ex a holiday gretting. On the 26th he sent me a text «Hey hope you are enjoying your Christmas holiday». I replied the same back and tried to make a conversation. Clearly he was not interested in talking much, even though he replied nicely. I guess I should have just kept it to «Merry Christmas to you too»… And I guess he just felt bad and the text were only breadcrumbs(?). What should I do now? Should i stop liking hes instagramposts. We have been NC/LC the last six months. Should I wish him a happy birthday in march?
Hi Celine,
Belated Christmas greetings to you.
Oh, those breadcrumbs! I remember when my relationship was going sideways, my girlfriend was being distant, and I got in the habit of accepting breadcrumbs. You and I both know that we deserve much more than mere crumbs. When our partner begins moving away, it’s time to have a talk–and be prepared to walk.
I don’t know the particulars of your relationship dynamic. I suspect that your boyfriend decided to cut things off. If that’s the case, he was wanting to be friendly by sending the Merry Christmas message. You’re correct: your response to him should have been a simple, “Merry Christmas, too.” But don’t beat yourself up about wanting to have a conversation with him. Just let him be.
As you resume no-contact, he may long for a conversation with you down the road. For now, focus on you and do things that bring you some happiness and enjoyment. Think of the good things that you have in your life. Give thanks for them and appreciate them.
Do not follow him on Instagram. Do not follow him on Facebook. Do not follow him on Twitter. Do not follow, do not follow, do not follow. No-contact means no contacting and no following. Try not to focus on him; do try to focus on yourself. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you. This guy decided that his life was better without you. Never forget that.
If you’re still in no-contact in March when his birthday rolls around, treat it like just another day. No gift, no card, no hello. Nada, nichivo, nichts. Nothing. This is tough stuff, I know. But there is peace of mind and contentment ahead.
Kind regards,
Axel
Thanks for the reply! But do I really have to unfollow and unfriend him? Or can I just stop watching his insta stories and stop liking his posts? I feels to drastic to suddenly unfollow him now, 8 months after the breakup. Yes, he broke it of after living together for four years. He broke it of because I was depressed and therefore negative all the time. I begged alot, but when he moved out I stopped. I have since been seeing a therapist, which he knows about. I told him I was not interested in a friendship.
Hi Celine,
I will always encourage you to do as you ultimately wish, even if I don’t agree with your actions. You more than anyone know yourself best. I give my advice freely, and whether you accept it or ignore it is totally fine.
That said, how do you feel emotionally, when you’re following your ex’s life on social media? Do you feel sad or hurt? If so, I would encourage you to just not monitor those sites anymore. You don’t have to unfollow him. Just don’t visit the sites.
On the other hand, if you’re able to follow his escapades and it’s helping you somehow accept the distance and the breakup, then go ahead and do so. I would avoid posting comments or likes, though. Ordinarily, it is best to not follow what’s going on in an ex’s world. In my case, I have no idea what my former girlfriend is up to. Ignorance is bliss. But everyone is different.
Best regards,
Axel
What if your ex sends you a Xmas card? Is it OK to send one back?
Also if she gives a present to your daughter? Is it OK to give her one back, from your daughter? (the ex isn’t the child mother)
I’d like to share something that is happening to me as well. It’s very difficult to explain all the details, but here I go.
I met an amazing girl in spring of 2017 and we hit it off, dated for about a month and a half and then, disappeared on me. I was ghosted and turns out, she started seeing someone else and just ignored me completely. I was hurt, given that I thought our connection was great. Six months later, I receive a text from her, trying to reconnect. I was in shock and responded angrily, given how she cut me off without a word. I told her I wasn’t interested and we could hook up if she wanted but nothing more… I was angry. She continued to insist even after she said reaching out to me was a bad idea. I was hurt, but liked her. I gave in and decided to give us another shot at dating.
We dated and a few weeks down the road, she needed to tell me something. She had been pregnant from encounter she had during our time away from each other. I could tell it wasn’t easy for her to tell me. I was hurt, yet couldn’t seem to walk away. She said she no longer spoke to that friend or person and he was out of the picture. I was really vested in her. I stuck through that experience at her side most nights.
Things got better between us and I fell in love with her. She became my gf and I was very happy as was she. After new year 2018, we were actively looking for an apartment and I treated her great. One day, she tells me she needs to talk to me. I head over to her place at that time with dinner for us… her favorite… in and out. Something was on her mind… she wanted to cry and she finally told me; she was pregnant. I was shocked …. but somewhat happy. But, she said, “I don’t know”… I asked what she meant by “I don’t know”…. it crossed my mind and I asked her…..”you don’t know if it’s mine?” She cried…… I was devastated even worse. It broke me right then and there. At my best, she did this to me… I lost it and balled my eyes out. Turns out, she had again slept with the old friend person whom was no longer in the picture and never told me… only mentioned it because she was pregnant and unsure whose it was. I was completely broken. There was no remorse and said she didn’t regret it…. I was not the sameness after that as It changed me inside and did something to me I can’t ever forget. I should’ve walked away, but had to know why? I was great to her.
I know I’ll be judged for the following, but I decided to try and work through it as best as I could… was never easy. We moved in together near the beach and things were great. We both had a far commute (together) for work and honestly, things were good when moved in together. Internally, what happened was not easy to forget, but I genuinely loved my girl. She began working closer to home and I had a far commute to and from work. I found myself stressed with everyday life of commute, getting home late and cooking, chores, etc. I began to feel a bit neglected and asked my girl to simply help me with things I wanted help with. She was good at cleaning and washing clothes, but just asked for something genuine towards me. I guess in my mind, I wanted to feel I could trust her, not just give it to her as she seemed to expect. Progressively, things got worse… I felt neglected and little things, petty things turned into arguments and became often. Part of me felt that I just wanted a little bit of genuine love or trust and just wanted to see it, that’s all. I felt as if she just went through the motions to get by and that would be enough. I asked for help with cooking and she would decline. I asked her to often go with me to family functions and she’d decline… I was frustrated, but knew I loved her and was an easy fix…. just talk to me. With time, I felt neglected emotionally, physically and sexually…. but I loved her and was certain. I began neglecting her as well because I wanted her to react and would often tell her to “snap out of it” . I have all this love to give you and just want to feel something genuine from you so I can give you all my love… maybe it was my fault for taking that approach. It was difficult to be romantic with her since I felt unappreciated … I wanted to do all these great things for her, but instead, neglected her because I felt she was doing the same…. I felt horrible for it. I didn’t know how to communicate with her anymore and to tell her, I simply wanted to be able to trust her, not just give it to her because she expected it. Several other things happened along the way, she exchanged messages with others on Instagram as if she was single and I was hurt over it. She would tell others on Instagram that I treated her bad and was unhappy. She said she did that because of how I treated her. She left town for a few days without saying a word to me and we had a huge argument when she came back, but given our problems, we stuck through it. Eventually, she lost her job and she was devastated over it. Things at that point weren’t that bad, but could have been better. I told her not to worry, I’d pay all the bills and actively helped her look for a new job. I often felt as if she didn’t tell me things and would rather have it that way. I no longer asked her for much, just simple communication. It seemed tough to do so. I have to say, that I NEVER stopped loving her, even after our problems and feel guilty I could have been much better with her. She seemed to have given up on looking for a job here and simply said, she’s antes to go back home (near east coast) for a while. I was in shock and didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t change her mind… I helped her drive half way across the country and I flew back to west coast. She left several things behind, but also took as much as she could and I would ask her, why take all that stuff if you’re only going back for a bit? Said she’d be back maybe soon as she would probably get tired of being back home. I was certain she’d be back, she asked me to please talk to family member and make sure it was okay for us to live together in new home, since family member would also be in the home…I told my girl it was also her home and she had say in it. I did and organized all her things left behind in the house.
When she was back in home town, we communicated often and she seemed okay, but unsure when she’d be back. Gradually , she became distant as I’d tell her I missed her and our dog and to please come back. I began to be needy and asked her to please just talk to me and communicate, as it now became difficult to hear from her. I must say, that I often told her I wanted a family with her, and she wasn’t sure she wanted that. While she was in hometown, she mentioned having been thinking of this. What if she drove all the way back to SoCal and I told her I wanted kids and she didn’t. She would then have to drive all the way back? Honestly, inside I just wanted to feel a little bit of commitment towards me, given what we had gone through. At this age (late 30s), I’m genuinely okay without kids. She became more distant and day before thanksgiving , broke up with me (via text) and said she was there (hometown) for now, and didn’t know when she’d be back…. she was tired of arguing and of me stressing her out. I was in shock and again, devastated. She ignored all further text and eventually, blocked me on all social media and cell. Blocking I know because I begged a big for a few days here and there, and got on her nerves to please reconsider and to come back. She began working out there and I don’t know if and when she’ll come back. I’m distraught and heartbroken. …. and yet, love her very much. I regret not treating her better. Even though she let me go, I feel guilty for everything.
It’s been a month since I heard anything from her and couple of weeks since I last texted her before she blocked me… I hope we can talk one day…. what to do?
M.
Hi Axel,
Thank you for this article.
I read in one of the comments below that you once were in the position of the dumpee and that you remained in indefinite no contact.
What was the effect on your ex and did she try to get back with you ?
Thanks.
That’s a very good question. It’s been a year and a half since I told my former girlfriend that I was leaving her life. (She had wanted to remain friends after seeing someone else behind my back.) I told her off when I walked away from her. That may be why I haven’t ever heard from her since then. But that is totally fine.
For a long time I wondered what effect my no-contact was having on her. Now I understand that it’s not important what effect no-contact had on her, it’s what effect it has had on me. Speaking for myself, no-contact worked–it helped me get over the hurt. It enabled me to break the addiction to my ex.
For three or four months after my breakup, I would have taken my ex back. Today, I would not and it’s a freeing feeling to have cut my emotional ties.
In fact, I would recommend the following to anyone who has had a cheater for a partner: don’t take him or her back. I know that’s harsh to basically give someone a life sentence of no-contact. But once trust has been broken, can you really be confident with the other person again? Can you admire or respect him or her again? Remember, it wasn’t you who went sideways. Sometimes love needs to be tough love.
When I was together with my former girlfriend, she told me many, many times that I was incredibly sweet, that I was her best lover ever, and that I was the best person she’d ever been with. Then weirdly and fairly suddenly, she gravitated back to an abusive she’d been with before. It was heartbreaking to cut her totally free. My heart wanted to stay in her orbit, wait for her relationship with the abuser to go bad again, and start up our romance again. However, there was no way that I could do that and have any respect for myself. I did the tough thing, but it was the right thing.
This long after, I have a feeling that my ex would be really happy if I reached out to her. I suspect that she’s had regrets about the loss of our relationship and friendship. But she has only herself to blame. I’m content with the knowledge that she was not a good partner, she betrayed my trust and my friendship, and I would never want to be romantic with her again. I’m not bitter or hateful toward her, but I did have those feelings for a while after our breakup. Now, I’m mostly indifferent, and I’m happy that I decided to move on.
In the final analysis, no-contact is first and foremost a process for you to heal and work on yourself. Yes, no-contact is also a strategy that allows your former partner to miss you. My advice is to focus on yourself first and to be your own best friend during a breakup aftermath.
Thanks Axel.
My ex moved out in August and I’ve been mostly feeling pretty good lately, but the holidays have hit me hard. I spent the last three with her. I’ve followed no contact strictly other than once I looked at her Instagram in September. I’m at a ski resort right now that we were at together in 2018.it’s hard and I was hit by a wave of sadness when I checked in to my hotel but I have to live my life and do the things I enjoy. Hopefully four days of snowboarding will take my mind off things. I didn’t want to be at home alone. I know she’s at a family resort in the Philippines so I doubt I’ll hear from her. That’ll be the last bit of info I have about her and hopefully ignorance will help me detach more in the new year
It’s hard to believe someone who said I was the Love of their life could turn stone cold and walk out of my life. It’s hard not to imagine that she’s doing great without me, but I suppose she’s not the happiest person and I’m just creating scenarios. The last day I saw her she thanked me for how I handled the breakup so I guess I did the best I could. Since the breakup I’ve just been working on my weaknesses and reading a lot of self help books. I’m learning guitar and I lost 7 kgs.
Hi Trevor,
Whoever said that ignorance is bliss was probably going through a breakup. The less you know about your former girlfriend and the less you think about her the better. The trick, of course, is how do you think less about her? One way is to keep yourself busy, which is what you’re doing this holiday season. I’m wondering why you chose the particular resort you did. Could you have gone snowboarding elsewhere? Were you subconsciously wanting to test yourself by choosing the resort which you visited with her?
No matter. You’re there now and you owe it to yourself to enjoy yourself. So do it. You miss your ex now; you will not always miss her. For whatever reasons, she chose to end the relationship. She decided all on her own that she was better off without you in her life. It’s tough stuff, I know. My ex once told me I was wonderful, amazing, her best lover ever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Lol. Yes, I can laugh about it now.
A year ago, I was missing my ex at Christmas and I was tempted to send her a nice email. I sucked it up, though, stuck to my no-contact guns and did not contact her. I’m really glad I stayed strong. It made me feel good about myself. Last Christmas, my silence let her know that I did not need her. That was exactly the message she deserved. This Christmas I am not missing her. I am emotionally free of her; it’s liberating. You’re not there yet, but you will get there, I assure you.
You loved your ex deeply; she told you that you were the love of her life, and then she went sideways. I had the same experience. It sucks. It hurts. But allow a little lecture from a guy who wore the same shoes you wore. There is peace and happiness on the other side of this. You are already taking positive steps. You’re making good progress. As you heal, you will have setback days. It’s okay to relapse into momentary sadness here and there. But refuse to wallow in it. Be reassured that setback days are followed by positive bounceback days.
When you’re out on the slopes the next few days, force yourself to talk to other people. Smile. Share a laugh or two with a stranger. Soak in the beauty of nature around you. Give thanks for your youth and your health. There are millions of people right now who are not physically able to do the things that you’re able to do. Don’t allow thoughts of your ex to dampen this trip that you’re on. She’s not there with you. It’s her loss.
Don’t assume that she’s not thinking about you. She probably is. She’s also probably wondering how you can be so emotionally strong. So many guys cave in and contact their exes. Not you. Your strength impresses her, but now she no longer has your love, care, and support. Once again, it’s her loss. Let her feel that loss. Let her learn a lesson. You were once her best friend. Now it’s time to be your own best friend.
It takes courage, self-respect, and self-love to do what you’re doing. Give yourself credit for what you’ve accomplished so far. Even though it may not feel like it, it is true that you don’t need your ex, and every day forward you will learn this more and more.
Keep in touch. Take heart that there are people out there who are wishing you happiness and peace of mind.
All the best,
Axel
Thanks Axel.
In hindsight a different resort might have been better but this is a really nice one and I got sick when I was here with her and felt like I missed out I was a bit introverted at first but I’m going out of my way to socialize and it makes me realize I am fine alone. I don’t want to date yet but I locked eyes with an attractive woman earlier and she gave me a second look. My ex isn’t the only woman out there and life goes on. I didn’t want this but she forced it on me so I am doing what I have to.
You are so right that your ex isn’t the only woman out there. “One-itis” can be crippling; it is easy to delude ourselves that only one woman can make us happy. When I went through my breakup, I felt like I was losing my twin soul. It was heart-wrenching. Today, I view my ex as an ordinary person, at best. She has long since fallen from the lofty pedestal I had put her on. It feels great not be hung up on her any longer.
I’m glad that you’re forcing yourself to meet other people. I predict that that attractive woman is the first of many that you’ll be locking eyes with in the near future.
Hey Zan,
What if your ex sends you a holiday text after the last time you spoke (week before) he said ” this is the last time you’ll hear from me”? He also liked my new picture on social media a couple weeks after saying that. What do you think when the dumper is sending the holiday text? All during no contact btw. Your thoughts?
Hi Ann.
Your ex lowered her guard a bit, so he changed his mind and contacted you.
It doesn’t mean that you should contact him yet though. He did it just to appear friendly.
Stay strong, Ann!
Zan
It’s K again! Good article btw. It’s been 3.5 months since my ex broke up with me. As you know, he broke up with me to enter into another relationship with someone he’d been “talking” to for 2 months before he broke up with me. Although there are parts of me that still misses him, most of me doesn’t like him much anymore. It’s really most unfortunate as he was my best friend before we started dating.
I’ve heard through friends that he still asks about me, wants us to be friends and that he still cares for me “as a friend”. But I really don’t see the point of being friends with him again. I mean, really… what can be gained from that friendship? He and I go to different schools on different coasts. He’s with someone else – yes, the same girl that he’d been emotionally cheated on me with. After what he did, I can’t trust him whatsoever. What sort of friendship could you have with someone when you don’t even trust them???!! Also, I don’t even like him as a person anymore. The way he broke up with me really showed me the sort of person he is and I don’t want to have anything to do with someone who is a coward, who lies, who cheats, who does not take responsibility, who is lazy in relationships, etc.
That all said, part of me would love for him to come to his senses and tell me how much he misses me and how he made the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up with me. The only reason I’d love for him to tell me this is so that I can tell him that “yes, you made the biggest mistake of your life but I’m not interested in being a part of your life anymore.” I play out that scenario in my head all the time. But then again, should he ever tell me that he made a huge mistake, in all honesty, even if I were to get the opportunity to “kick him to the curb”, I probably wouldn’t. Reason is, what I relish saying to him would simply cause him unnecessary pain and I’m not all about that. If he were to ever tell me that he made a huge mistake, I would likely just say, “I’m sorry to hear that but I think we’re better off with other people.” I would wish him well and end it as that. I guess I’m about ready to move on.
Do I miss his friendship and companionship? Yes… sometimes I do. But then I remember how one-sided things were and how disappointed I was at times when we were dating. But most importantly, I now realize that I miss the person I created him to be in my mind. I don’t actually miss him – the real him, the person that he really is in real life – does that make sense?
I know that I can do much better. Much, much better. And while I’m not dating and … I’m really not interested in dating (I’m focused on me and becoming the best me that I can be), I know that I will find someone who’s better suited for me, …. someone who wants to be with me and will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
So with Christmas just around the corner and with us both coming back into the same town for the holidays, I do not plan to wish him Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I have no intention of reaching out to him. In fact, I hope I don’t run into him anywhere. (It’s not that I’m running scared. I just really have nothing to say to him.) The crazy part is, I never thought I would ever get to how I currently feel… that is, to be in a place where I just have nothing to say to him. Strange how things get over time….
Hi K.
I’m so happy you’re feeling much better. This article was written by my friend Axel, so kudos to him for making a great point.
Rationally, you always knew your ex wasn’t the best you deserved, but your heart was telling you otherwise. You wanted him back, despite him hurting you on purpose. K, you knew he wasn’t great before the break-up, and especially after. His true colours really shone through brightly, so you don’t want this person to be your SO or the father of your children. At least not right now. I’m glad you finally realise how badly you were treated, and how great a person you are. I don’t want to sit here and talk about his bad points just to convince you further of his bad intentions.
You now realise that you were infatuated with his perfect image, instead of who he really was. This is due to the side effect that occurs when you are broken up with. Anxiety tells you that you need him to be happy, and you believe it. Luckily, you seem to be a lot healthier than you were, so you are able to see things much clearer now.
I know you want to tell him a lot of things, and that’s ok. You will most likely have a chance to do so in the future, when his relationship fails or when life doesn’t go the way he wants it to go. When he admits and regrets what he’s done, I personally suggest you don’t stomp on him, but be the bigger person and do things the way he should have done them.
As Axel suggests, reaching out during the holidays is a bad idea, so give all the love to people who appreciate you. I’m sure there are plenty who are thrilled to have you in their lives, even if they don’t verbally express so very often.
Zan
Hi!
This is a great article, thank you. Me and my ex broke up a year ago this time around, and got back together after 6 months. Back then I was doing 30 day no contact and wrote him emails occasionally after nc and he did reply but I feel like I was helping him to move on. That proves that 30 day no contact period is way too short! I became a doormat and when we met he did fall for me again and we got back together, but I was soo greatful that he wanted to be with me again that I began to lose my identity more and more. We had a long distance relationship and I was planning to move nearer to him. He made all the plans and I followed his lead. When I visited him again, he became distant and after a few months broke up with me again, almost exactly one year after the first breakup.
He blocked me on fb again and said that if I want to, I can reach him through email or text messages. I am determined to do indefinite no contact and really change this time not for him but myself. If he does come to his senses, I will consider trying again but not out of neediness.
Last year he wished me merry christmas, so he might do that this year too. I feel like he is so confident that I
m weeping after him that he is doing a favor by texting me that out of courteousness (yes, im at the angry phase…). He might text me or not, I dont know. If he does, would it be rude not to wish him merry christmas back, if I dont feel like doing so? Or is it immature?Kind regards,
Elle
Hi Elle,
Thank you for your kind words about the article. I’m glad that you found it helpful. I empathize with what you are going through with your ex. It sounds to me as if he may have an avoidant attachment style. Are you familiar with attachment styles? Here is one website (among many) that discusses attachment styles: https://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/
You are wise to remain in indefinite no-contact and to focus on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. Also, continue to listen to your intuition. You are intuitively aware that your ex needs to “come to his senses.” In that, you also know that the rift in your relationship is largely about him and not you. It’s frustrating for you to know that your ex-partner is making wrong decisions for himself, but unfortunately you can’t control that. It hurts, it sucks, but at the end of the day, you need to learn to let that go.
In answer to your question, I would caution you not to act–or not act–out of anger. I certainly understand your anger regarding your situation, but I have learned that bitterness interferes with the healing process, and ultimately what you want is peace of mind for
yourself. You indicate that you will consider trying again with him, if he does come to his senses. That tells me that you do want to leave the door open to him. Consequently, if he does reach out and wish you a Merry Christmas, my advice is to wish him a Merry Christmas also. I recommend a short, simple response, such as, “Merry Christmas to you, too.” I wouldn’t send anything more than that.
I know part of you is sorely tempted to ignore a Christmas greeting from him, and if you did choose to ignore him, he could certainly interpret your lack of response as rude. That might hurt him, but I believe that you would also feel hurt.
If you would like to schedule a one-on-one advice session, please feel free to contact me at: axel.descanso@gmail.com
Best of luck to you, and may you experience peace and joy this holiday season.
Axel
Hi Axel,
Thank you very much, I think you are right. Your response has veen very helpful and I feel much calmer and certain about this situation.
I hope you (and others also) have a joyful, peaceful holiday season too 🙂
Kind regards,
Elle
Hello it’s been a while, need to vent but i’ll keep this short.
It’s been 10 months now, i still miss her loads and love her, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t.
I’m finding it hard trying to enjoy christmas, after the time’s we had last year when we were together… although i am trying and still sticking to my nc. I’m pretty sure she’s on her high horse a little still, with the gigs syndrome… however i refuse to contact her after she broke everything and the promises we said we’d always keep, regardless of how much it still hurts or bothers me, i’m not playing games.
As you know already, she stopped putting her best foot forward in the relationship after a while, didn’t appreciate the things i did for her and to roll it up took me and the love we had for granted. I just hope deep down one way or another it is still affecting her, eating away at her… and eventually guilt and realization will kick in as i’ve read in your other articles. I hope me staying out of her life provides all of what you say my friend, and i read this line very well:
“Let her feel the loss. Let her learn the lesson of appreciating me.”
I really hope time catches up with her, and she starts to or one day feels the pain she put me through, because although we was very close and i knew her inside out as she did me, i know what we had was special and the love we had was like no other and real, so it’d be impossible for her to feel nothing, surely. I gave this person my heart and soul, how can you not miss someone like that? I hope she will realise the mistake she made, and that she messed up.. and the anxiety and fear of loss becomes stronger every day.
(it’s me secret squirrel plz delete the other one)
Hi Secret Squirrel.
I hope you’re doing well.
As you know already, you weren’t happy in the relationship and neither was she towards the end. You wanted more, and she refused to provide, hence why the break-up occurred.
This article was written by my friend and editor Axel, and you quoting him makes perfect sense. She underappreciated you big time, and the best way for her to feel the loss is by staying away. Fear of loss and anxiety are both dependent on how well she is doing, as well as your own well-being, so keep fighting.
I’d like you to detach completely from her and expect nothing in return. She is not worthy of your love and dedication right now, so truly allow her to feel the loss.
You know you can and should get more in a relationship. We all have different needs, and she just hasn’t fulfilled yours. If she comes back, how are you going to tackle this problem? Will you make her see that she needs to invest more or sacrifice your own happiness just to be with her? Think this through, because it’s so important.
Your friend,
Zan