Sometimes dumpees wonder whether they should ignore their ex or respond to their messages and voice calls.
They believe that if they reply, their ex will get the wrong idea and think badly of them.
But that’s not true.
Although dumpers are often after forgiveness, support, and validation, replying to your ex won’t make your ex respect you any less.
If anything, responding to your ex will help your ex respect you more.
Everyone knows that ignoring an ex or anyone for that matter isn’t a very noble act.
It’s not something you want people to do to you because it quite frankly doesn’t feel very nice.
It makes you feel unimportant and belittled.
And the same goes for your ex.
If he or she cares, it hurts his/her ego and pride.
However, if your ex doesn’t care, it angers your ex and gives him or her the power to leave you behind.
So no matter what your ex is feeling toward you, ignoring your ex isn’t the wisest thing to do.
It’s not smart even if your ex isn’t showing any signs of remorse and might just be sending you breadcrumbs.
In this article, we’ll talk about whether you should respond to your ex as a dumpee—and share some insight on when it’s okay to ignore an ex.
Should I respond to my ex?
You should never ignore your ex when he or she reaches out.
The reason why you shouldn’t do that has more to do with you than it does with your ex.
You just don’t ignore a person who makes an effort to contact you.
Whether it’s a hello, a happy birthday wish, or a random question—be a good person and respond to your ex.
You don’t need to engage in conversation and keep your wound open if you’re still hurting.
Replying to your ex won’t give you more anxiety than his or her initial message anyway.
And that’s why it’s okay to respond!
All you have to do is be respectful and reply concisely.
In doing so, you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.
It will be morally right for you and you’ll know you’ve done everything in your power to appear polite.
That’s why you must remember that responding to your ex won’t do any harm to him or her. It will merely give your ex what he or she is after—and that’s it.
Your ex will probably disappear soon after and you’ll go back to recovering and getting over your ex.
So don’t be afraid to say hi back.
Here are 5 reasons why you should reply to your ex.
It hurts when I receive a message from my ex
Staying away from your ex and following the indefinite no contact rule has its good and bad points.
The most noticeable bad point is what I call the fear of an ex.
This fear is essentially an ex phobia developed in the early stages of no contact.
All the grief and anxiety you deal with right after the breakup, your brain engraves into your system to remember for the future.
It’s as if you store all your pain in a box and keep it sealed for your own safety.
But when your ex reappears out of nowhere and messages or calls you, he or she opens this box and releases your pain.
That’s when a portion of your unprocessed, avoided anxiety that you’ve managed to stay away from during no contact comes flying out at you.
This unpleasant, painful experience occurs on its own and there’s not much you can do to avoid it.
The only thing that helps is loads and loads of time as time is a natural healer.
It aids you to remove the anchor from your ex by putting your attention and importance on something/someone else.
So until you’re completely over your ex and you’ve gotten rid of the fear of your ex, you will probably feel anxious whenever your ex contacts you.
You will feel pain and anxiety as long as you deem your ex as important.
How do I avoid this pain?
First of all, you don’t need to keep responding to your ex whenever your ex feels like chatting.
You’re not your ex’s puppet and you certainly don’t owe your ex anything.
If you don’t want to keep your pain alive, there’s a simple solution to your problem.
Simply say that you’d like some space and that you want to focus on yourself.
Ask him or her not to contact you anymore and keep healing, recovering, and bettering yourself.
The time will come when you feel healthy, anxiety-free, and strong enough to converse with your ex.
How to respond to an ex?
If you don’t mind the anxiety whenever your ex reaches out to you and you’re wondering how to respond to an ex, I can tell you that talking to your ex is no rocket science.
You don’t need to act cold, distant, excessively nice, or different from how you usually do.
All you need to do is respond to your ex in a normal, calm, collected manner and show that you’re not holding any grudges.
Be concise and remember that if your ex doesn’t want you back, your respectful responses won’t suddenly make your ex love you again.
It will probably take many more interactions before your ex develops feelings for you again or until something goes wrong in your ex’s life.
That’s why you as a dumpee need to know that your ex’s perception of you will take months or maybe even years to change.
So don’t count the days during or after no contact. It’s completely meaningless.
Having expectations of your ex will only hurt you and prolong your healing.
Examples of how to respond to an ex
You should always be on your best behavior when you’re trying to impress a person who isn’t impressed by you.
That’s why you mustn’t solidify your ex’s decision for breaking up with you at any cost.
You can’t do it even if it’s painful for you and you want your ex to notice your pain.
It will probably only end up annoying your ex.
So if you’re trying to learn how to respond to an ex, here are a few examples.
Let’s start with when your ex reaches out to see how you’ll react.
This is just a typical dumper-dumpee conversation which means absolutely nothing.
It’s incredibly common for dumpees to get this from their ex.
So if that’s what you get, try to keep your expectations low and your head held high.
This next example of an ex reaching out will likely leave you wondering whether you should respond to your ex.
It looks like this.
In this case, you’re better off accepting your ex’s wrath.
Once you’ve done that, apologize to your ex once and say that you only realized what you’d done after it was too late.
This next example is also difficult to respond to.
This example shows that your ex is having a hard time being on his or her own/or with someone else and that your ex is looking for help.
If that’s what you get, I suggest you refuse to help your ex out.
Whether it’s emotional, financial or physical help your ex needs, you need to remember that you’re no longer your ex’s go-to person.
Your ex decided that you don’t contribute to his or her happiness, so you must act that way too.
Tell your ex you’d like to help him or her out, but you can’t do it because you’re taking care of your own priorities.
Should I respond to my ex if my ex insults me?
Technically, you don’t “need” to respond to anyone who treats you badly and disrespects you.
You don’t even need to acknowledge them and show them that they hurt you.
The same goes for your ex.
If your ex threatens, annoys, or belittles you—you’re not obliged to keep talking to your ex.
Tell your ex you’d like him or her to talk to you in a calm manner and that you’ll be gone until your ex decides to treat you better.
After you’ve said that, feel free to leave your ex’s malicious messages on read and “ignore” your ex until he or she calms down.
The reason why you shouldn’t get involved with an angry ex is that your ex’s anger and disrespectful behavior is not your responsibility.
Your ex needs to come to the conclusion that he or she isn’t being nice to you and contact you with an apology when he or she is ready.
But until that happens and your ex no longer endangers your safety, you can refuse to converse with your ex.
You can do so as a person who respects himself or herself as well as the people around you.
Respond to your ex if you want to respond
When you’re wondering whether you should respond to your ex, always think about your well-being first.
Is your ex making your life difficult and you’d rather live without your ex stressing you?
If your ex is causing you anxiety, let your ex know that he or she isn’t your friend. Do this in the nice way that we mentioned earlier, of course, and enjoy your anxiety-free life.
However, if you’re happy talking to your ex and you like where things are going with him or her, take your time and reconnect with your ex.
Do it slowly, and show your ex that you’re still his or her best option no matter how badly your relationship has ended.
Provided you stay respectful and your ex’s mentality of you improves over time, you may get another chance.
But whatever you do, don’t push your ex for commitment.
It has to be your ex’s idea.
Are you going to respond to your ex, ignore, or block? Let’s know what you’ve decided to do in the comments section below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Why does this article contradict itself? It’s so confusing. First it says (in general) that it’s not right to ignore a text (or whatever) from your ex. Then it says you can ignore them. What are you supposed to do? My ex dumped me 2 months ago after an 18 month relationship. I went NC and had no intention of ever hearing from her again. Then she texted me the other day wanting to talk. What am I supposed to do with that?
Hi Zan,
My ex broke up with me for the umpteenth time 2 weeks ago but this time he said, I love you but I have to let you go. We had just reconnected again and things were going great. I had started developing feelings again and he was showing those same feelings. So before I allowed my emotions to grow deeper with him again, I wanted to know if we were on the same page. So i asked are you feeling the same thing I’m feeling? Well he had some other things going on in his life that was stressing him out. He shared with me a month or so prior that he attempted suicide but he never told me why. He just became angry with me saying why do I make everything about me?! I wasn’t. My focus was in him but I had to protect myself first. When he broke up 2 weeks ago, I lost it. I told him let’s not make this decision out of anger and give each other space to think. I broke down and sent him a text 4 days later checking on him. Then another 3 days later. He respond saying “leave me be”. So i did.
Well just last night I called him. It was late and i knew he was asleep so he didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a message. However, I woke up this morning to a “?” text from him. The fact that after 2 weeks he responded made my day, but now I don’t know how to respond. I want him back and I think he does too. There’s so much advice online that it’s confusing on what I should do next.
You’ve fucked up repeatedly. Have you even read any of the articles on this site? Zan would tell you that you need to leave this guy alone unless and until he decides he’d like to reach out to you on his own…
Ralph, no I didn’t fuck up on my own. We ended up getting back together. And I officially broke up with him this time. I realized I was fighting for him to meet me half way. I also found out he had sex with another woman or women because I contracted an STI. As fucked up as it was post infection, I still stayed fighting for us because I loved the hell out of that man. When I told him I’m done with his games, lies and now infidelity (which he denied), this was the only time I actually seen him make an attempt to keep me but it honestly was not enough. I set boundaries and made them clear when we reconnected. He followed thru with them for a while and then resorted to old ways once the comfortability set in.
We had a great relationship but in reality i just don’t think he was ready to fully commit. I even expressed to him if he wasn’t, it was okay to say so.
We met shortly after he and his side separated and divorced so he really hasn’t had a taste of the single life. Btw, he lied to my face when asked in the beginning of our relationship was he married. I found out via public records. And the reason why i searches is because he asked to be exclusive, we talked about marriage and babies and even began the baby making process. All of this with 8 months into the relationship and I hadn’t met anyone from his family or friends. Suspicious as hell if you ask me.
And although I walked away, yes I feel good because I stood my ground and held onto my dignity but I feel bad as hell. I feel awful because the last thing he said to me was “if you really loved me you wouldn’t leave.” And he knows that’s always been my motto. I think of him daily and I miss everything about him good and bad, but I realized I’m worth more than being a hidden gem and sold a Dream with no action.
It’s been almost 2 months since the break up and I blocked him on social media but not the phone and he hasn’t reached out. Obviously he’s moved on and so will I.
Hi zan, what if all he sends me is random memes and YouTube links with no captions or context? I don’t know how to reply to a random video about manifesting your dreams. 😂 Not even a hello, certainly never a phone call or coffee. Ive been doing no contact for 18 months, he’s been reaching out for 6 months weekly, Ive been polite but not overly eager but it’s not going anywhere. I feel like all I’m doing is helping him get over me.
It’s called “breadcrumbs”. Look it up.
Hi Zan,
I need some advice, if you don’t mind! So how my first love ended was just a mess. My Ex’s home life wasn’t the greatest, which lead to his mom hating me and my family. She would go behind our backs and spread rumors about us. She was really manipulative towards everyone including my Ex (If you loved me you would…You don’t love me) to make him do things he didn’t want to do. She was controlling over his phone and threw out his photos of me he had in his room.
Then she started pulling him from all the activities we did together, and then I didn’t see him for weeks or even months at a time. It got so bad, that he would never want to go home and I had to comfort him. I loved him, and it hurt so much when we would talk and he would spill out everything. The authority’s almost got involved, then he breaks up with me because his mom kept pressuring him to do so. He was extremely rude to my mom, and lied to me multiple times before he moved away. Knowing him it left us both heartbroken over an entire year of being together. This caused my mental health to...do not so good. It’s been over 2 years since then, and recently I got a message from him. Mental scars and Anxiety have not been very kind because of being on the front seat of an intense emotional rollercoaster. I don’t know if I should respond to him or not. Ahh sorry for the long response, and thank you for your time.
Hey Zan! I have a question to ask… so this is how it ended… he met someone else and I told him it broke and hurt my heart, and he didn’t give me the time of day to talk about it, ignored my last message and dropped the call on me. I was heart broken for 2 months but I was getting better. Then on New Years at 4 am he calls me (3 times he called me) and third time my friend picked up and told him I was sleeping… I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him, what hurt was that he called me at 4 am (drunk) not at a regular time, he didn’t care enough to do that. I never called I’m back after that, as it hurt me so much. I feel like I did the right thing didn’t me. Why would I ring him back when he stopped so low to call me that late that’s how I felt
Hi Zan,
My ex (3 years) broke up with me after she moved away to a different city and within 3-4 months she found a person that she got engaged to and will be marrying shortly. I know there were some misunderstandings towards the end between us and the distances made it worse. But, I was in shock as to how can a person just end the relationship like that and move on so quickly. Her reasoning was that now she can’t hurt the new person or his family, which sounded stupid to me. Nevertheless i have accepted the reality now after suffering for the past few months. I have never met the person she is with now or neither do i care who that is.
But i don’t understand as to why does she still texts me randomly, asking for some friend’s number or some useless information. A few times i have received a random phone call or two from her too which i never picked up. Yesterday i got a text saying that she was in the city and if i wanted to meet.
I just didn’t feel like responding and i just left it there.
Now i read your article that it is disrespectful not to respond. I believe that she disrespected me when she dumped me for someone else and is still moving forward with her wedding. I don’t care if she is happy or not with her current partner. What do you suggest i do in future if she contacts me?
Hi Tyrone.
Replying is respectful.
So just see what she wants whenever you hear from her.
You don’t need to stick around for too long. If she wants something pointless from you, give it to her and leave unless she wants more from you.
Best,
Zan
Sorry not sure how you post a comment on here. I respect your opinions above however, in cases where an ex is obsessed with you and harassing, a reply can be dangerous and encourage them to continue. No one is obligated to reply to an ex nor do they owe them this. Of course it is different in each situation but in my case, my ex made me feel very guilty and responsible for him feeling terrible all because I would not reply to him. Anyone out there please remember you are NOT responsible for your ex’s emotions and you do not have to engage with them (speaking from my perspective of dealing with an obsessed ex).
This article is just so timely. After quite some time, my ex had called me yesterday. His first call after the breakup because he said he can’t dare to talk to me over the phone. We broke up through chat. At first I was having doubts if I have to answer the call but I remembered your article about not ignoring the ex when he contacts first. It turned out that he just needed his account information which he can’t remember.
Hi Jes.
It may be just a pointless outreach, but it’s better to respond than to leave him to his own internal demons. At least he got what he wanted.
Thanks for reading.
Best regards,
Zan
Aaaah… thx.
I asked a question on the previous article and you answered her 👍
Thank you ❤️
Hi SCV-rush.
Thanks for reading. 😉
Zan