How To Tell If No Contact Is Working?

Maintaining no contact with your ex is without a doubt one of the hardest things to pull off in life. Because of the complexity of emotions you’ll deal with, you need to develop incredible resistance to stick with no contact indefinitely.

Dumpees who are able to go cold turkey experience enormous mood swings, both positive and negative. These are all part of the process of moving on and wanting to reconcile with their exes.

If you’ve been dumped and you’re willing to follow a strict no contact regimen, generally referred to as the indefinite no contact rule, you will most assuredly gain increased self-respect and you’ll most likely help yourself heal faster from your breakup.

If you want your ex back, no contact gives you the best possible chance to make that happen. In this article, I will share some insight on how to tell if no contact is working in your favor when you are in the process of maintaining no contact. I’ll divide the article content into two major segments – whether NC is working for you and whether it’s working for your ex.

The biggest sign that no contact is having an effect on your ex

If your ex reaches out to you, that’s the most positive sign you can receive, telling you that no contact is working. Your ex could contact you by writing a text, calling you, stopping by your home, or visiting your workplace. Dumpees long for any kind of renewed contact. Unfortunately, the reality is more often than not quite different from expectations. When you’re maintaining no contact, you need to be patient.

Sorry to say, most of the time you are not going to know what your ex is experiencing emotionally while you are maintaining no contact. You simply need to trust the process.

Because you’ll be completely out of touch, you’ll probably have no idea whether your ex is happy, miserable, or so-so. And that’s okay because during no contact your focus should be on yourself. Whether your ex decides to come back into your life or not at some future point is something you can’t control. All you can control are your own thoughts and actions.

Many dumpees have heard that 30 days is a magical amount of no contact time, and after 30 days, these dumpees expect their exes to contact them. If their exes don’t contact them by then, the dumpees will instead contact their exes.

This is a bad idea. Heed this well: when it comes to maintaining no contact, there is NO magical amount of time that will impel your ex to contact you. Whatever you do, do not break no contact! Indefinite no contact is your best option.

You must be aware that immediately after your breakup, your ex is simply not interested in engaging in conversation. Just like you’re feeling the need to reconnect, your ex is feeling the need to disconnect. That’s what brought on the breakup, after all. You’ll most likely want to beg and plead with your ex for another chance. You’ll be tempted to give chase.

Don’t do any of this. Instead, give your ex space and time. Cease contact right away. And no contact means just that: no contact. No Facebook likes, no social media stalking, no “accidentally” bumping into your ex at your favorite night spot.

By breaking up with you, your ex has, in essence, asked for space. You, of course, will not agree with your ex’s decision, and you really have no choice but to give that space to him or her. If you exhibit insecure behavior and beg your ex to take you back, it will only drive your ex further away. You have no cards to play at this point, except for the no contact card. Play it.

Remember, you don’t want to give your ex any more reasons to think negative thoughts about you. You’ll appear weak and not attractive if you beg, plead, or chase. Give your ex the space to experience the certain stages of a breakup.

Take care not to overanalyze

If you’re fortunate, you may receive some subtle signs from your ex or from others in your social circle that your no contact regimen is working. However, be careful not to overanalyze things in your favor. Take off those rose-colored glasses. You could get signs and clues and interpret them one way when they mean completely the opposite.

During the first several weeks after your breakup, you’ll especially want to know if your no contact strategy is working or not. Eventually, after a few months, you’ll likely come to a point where you’ll care less about the effectiveness of no contact and your focus will shift more toward indifference.

Expect this to happen as you gradually let go of unrealistic attachments and desires. This is a positive step and it means that you are regaining more control of your life.

In the first days after your breakup, your emotional pain was likely all-consuming. Just as time heals physical wounds, it also heals emotional wounds. Never forget that time is your ally.

For now, you would like some solid proof that no contact is affecting your ex in a way that benefits you. Here are a few ways you might find out that no contact could be working:

• You learn that your ex is asking others about you
• You learn that your ex seems to be sad and miserable
• You find out that your ex is reminiscing about the good times with you
• You learn that your ex’s anger and resentment toward you are subsiding
• You find out that your ex is unhappy in a rebound relationship
• Your ex has unblocked you on social media. (However, if you are faithfully following no contact you should never know whether you are blocked or not)
• You learn that your ex is exaggerating about how happy he or she currently is

The vast majority of dumpees initiate a no contact strategy for one overriding reason–to get back with their exes. Shortly after your ex broke up with you, you likely went online and researched how to get your ex back. In so doing, you may have learned about no contact for the first time. Keep in mind that your ex may be experiencing conflicting emotions, just like you.

Initially, your ex probably felt relief that he or she was finally able to deliver the bad news. Your ex likely held off telling you for a while, because he or she was reluctant to hurt you. More than likely, your last conversation with your ex was a heated one, so you both probably need time to process things and cool off. If you said anything hurtful to your ex, indefinite no contact will give your ex time to let go of any angry feelings toward you.

Can you tell if no contact is working without any contact or information from your ex?

Because no contact puts into effect a total blackout between you and your ex, unless you learn information from a common member of your social circle, you’ll literally be in the dark about your ex. Take heart, though. Several positive things are working in your favor during no contact. These include the following:

• When you leave your ex alone, he or she gains the time and space to start missing you
• The more time passes, the more your ex forgets your negative attributes and begins to reminisce about the good times
• When your ex goes through challenging situations, your ex will remember that you used to provide his or her support
• You avoid making post-break
• up mistakes
• You develop increased self-respect by not begging or chasing
• You gain more respect in the eyes of your ex
• Your ex is left to wonder how you are and if you’ve forgotten about him or her
• You regain power in the relationship; you’ve shown your ex that you don’t need him or her

When you’re tempted to break no contact and reach out to your ex, be aware that you may well be sabotaging any chance of getting back together with your ex. Breaking no contact actually diminishes your value to your ex.

This is because your ex will rightly assume that he or she can have you back at the snap of the fingers. So as you can see, breaking no contact communicates weakness to your ex and that is assuredly not an attractive quality. There are a few rare instances in which the no contact rule doesn’t work.

How can you tell if the no contact rule is working for you?

If you’ve only recently suffered a breakup and you’re a new devotee to no contact, you might be thinking, “I’m not interested in what no contact can do for me. I want to know what my ex is doing, thinking, and feeling.”

However, if you’re interested in learning more about bettering yourself, I encourage you to read through the following information and determine if no contact is working for you. This can be such a satisfying outcome and the key element to a successful no contact rule. Achieving long-lasting positive results is what the indefinite no contact rule is all about.

Provided you are going through a process of personal transformation to become the best version of yourself, you’re going to eventually want to know that your hard work is paying off. This second segment of the article is meant for you–your healing, recovery, and improvement.

The gift of healing

One sure way to tell that no contact is working for you is when your depression starts to lift and your obsessive thoughts begin to lessen. The phrase “out of sight, out of mind” certainly applies here.

Resist the temptation to keep tabs on your ex on Facebook or on other social media platforms. No contact will facilitate your healing only if you strictly follow a no contact regimen.

You will feel angry about your breakup, you will feel frustrated, and you will feel bitter. But as days pass, the intensity of these feelings will ease, too. You need to acknowledge your pain; it’s an important component of the healing process.

Remember, it is a strength to reach out and ask for help and support from your friends and family. It’s also a healthy idea to seek out a therapist who understands interpersonal relationships and the dynamics of the no contact rule.

Every day puts more distance between you, the breakup, and your ex. You can expect to feel better with the passing of time. However, don’t be alarmed if you experience “setback” days — occasions when you feel worse than the day before. Psychological healing does not happen in incremental steps–it’s more like two steps forward, a step backward, four steps forward, one step forward, two steps backward, and so on. You will be making forward progress even on those days when you feel like you’re heading back to square one.  Be patient with yourself and let time do its healing magic.

And do keep in mind that there is no set amount of days by which you should start feeling better. It takes some people longer to get over heartbreak, while others get over breakups more quickly.

An improved physical state

In the first few days after your breakup, it’s okay to throw yourself a personal pity party. Allow yourself a little time to feel your pain and loss, and shut out the world if you want. But don’t let yourself mope around for long.

Force yourself to get outside and engage in some physical activity. Go for a walk or a run. Hop on your bicycle and get your legs moving. Take a hike and get your heart pumping. It doesn’t matter what you do, but get out and do something.

While it is difficult to make yourself feel better mentally in the early days following your breakup, you can always make time for exercise, and this provides many benefits.

Here’s what WebMD says about exercising:

“When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain.

“Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as “euphoric.” That feeling, known as a “runner’s high,” can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.

“Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain.”

The message is clear. Resist the temptation to continue feeling sorry for yourself and get your butt off the couch. When you start an exercise program (after first consulting with your doctor) you’ll put yourself back on the road to recovery from your breakup. Your no contact regimen will also help your physical state.

Every day that you stay away from your ex will give you greater self-respect and greater strength. You’ll sleep better and this improved rest will help you to continue to exercise regularly.

You’ll find yourself able to tackle your day-to-day chores with vigor, and you’ll be able to focus on your job and career with renewed enthusiasm.

A heightened mental state

Because your body and mind are interconnected, your mental and physical states are strongly dependent on each other.

With the proper amount of exercise, your brain releases those all-important endorphins and elevates your mood. Exercise alone will not bring you happiness, of course, but it’s an important element in the healing process.

As you continue to put more distance between you and your ex through no contact, you’ll feel less dependent on your ex. When you experience this independent feeling, it is truly liberating. Don’t expect to feel complete independence all at once, though. It will happen gradually.

Your cognitive abilities will start to improve as you move out of your wounded, perplexed state.  As you let go of unhealthy attachment and bitterness, you’ll feel a corresponding improved ability to relax. Your anxiety will wane. It’s almost as if toxins are being released out of your system.

You’re getting healthier. The feeling of being released from the bonds of obsession and attachment will empower you with thoughts of new healthy beginnings.

You’ll begin to find pleasure in former as well as new activities and realize that the world hasn’t ended after all. In fact, you can peer into the future with renewed hope. Dating another person can help you realize that you are still desirable and give you an important confidence boost. 

You will experience periods of happiness again. You’ll no longer need to feel validation from your ex. You may even consider moving on and not taking your ex back if he or she decides to come back into your life. Congrats. You’re getting your mojo back.

Since you no longer feel the need to be alone, you’ll find yourself engaging in social activities where you can express yourself openly and feel good about it, too. You’ll also feel a greater appreciation for your friends and family who have supported you through these trying times.

Improving yourself for the better

Breakups do have a silver lining: they force you to make positive changes in your life. If you’ve been dumped, try to find a gift in it. Simply put, you’ve been blessed with the gift of improving yourself. Without the breakup, you wouldn’t see the need to do so.

Because most people who have been dumped want to get back with their exes, they are motivated to work on themselves and this determination often fuels a very high success rate of personal transformation. When you transform yourself into a better human being, people around you are sure to notice.

Experiencing a sense of desperation can take one a lot further and higher than a feeling of inspiration. Desperation is a much more powerful emotion since it stems from the basis of human needs. Desperation also has the tendency to last and bring the results it absolutely requires.

Inspiration, on the other hand, is a positive emotion that guides us toward our goals and desires. It’s what we want, rather than what we need, and that is why inspiration is a lot less effective. Inspiration usually doesn’t last as long as desperation, since we often get preoccupied and inspiration wanes.

When you need to improve, you consciously as well as subconsciously begin to condition yourself and improve upon what is lacking. You’re dedicated to not repeating your mistakes, which allows you to rewire your belief system and change any bad behavioral patterns.

Long-lasting changes take months of conditioning to firmly take hold, and that’s exactly why you should avoid the 30-day no contact rule. Those couples that get together during those 30 days normally regress back to their old ways very shortly.

Successfully reconditioning your belief system

Depending on the goals you’ve set for yourself and what you want to permanently change, it may take some time before you notice any changes. Your personal transformation probably won’t make you feel any different, at least not at first. If you’ve successfully undergone personal development, you will notice your belief system has evolved.

You will recognize mistakes that you’ve made, and instead of making excuses for them or avoiding them, you’ll face them head-on and work to correct them. This will change the way you view people, places, and things. You’ll be able to keep your emotions under better control. You’ll learn to respond to challenging situations thoughtfully, rather than merely reacting to them.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you used to get frustrated and angry when you got stuck in traffic. You would honk and make obscene gestures at people. You would fume and think, “Why does this always happen to me?” You might remain upset for the rest of the day and everyone you encounter would be affected by your negative behavior.

After your self-improvement and changing your belief system, you would handle the same situation much differently. No longer would you honk the horn or lash out at other drivers, because you’ve conditioned yourself to believe that demeanor would not help you or anybody else.

You now understand that reacting in anger is not helpful. Instead, you use your thoughts to respond in an emotionally mature way.  And that response is to simply let things go.

You know that you have no control over the traffic mess. You also know that by remaining calm and patient you will eventually get to where you need to go. By applying different relaxation techniques, you can eliminate outbursts and unwanted emotions.

These changes become automatic, without you having to think much about them, once you’ve successfully “convinced” yourself of the positive effect they provide to you on a daily basis.

When you associate positive behavior with positive emotions, you also begin to think of negative behavior in a negative way. It’s so simple, yet it requires much practice to master this skill.

Personal growth is a lifelong endeavor

You should always strive to become as great a human being as you possibly can, whether or not you’re going through the pain of a breakup. Think of this as your life purpose–to change and evolve.

Is the no contact working for you? Has it worked on your ex? If so, how long did it take? Include the details in the comments section below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.