My Husband Still Works With The Woman He Had An Affair With

The workplace is generally the place where affairs happen the most. Work “confines” people in the same place and allows them to communicate, joke, flirt, and bond in ways that make it tempting for them to cheat.

Cheating doesn’t have to be just physical.

It can also be emotional, which can be much more dangerous for the cheater’s existing relationship and painful for the cheatee (the person who got cheated on).

The reason people cheat at work or any place, really, is that they lack self-awareness, morals, self-control, gratitude, and reminders to be loyal to their partner. They enjoy spending time with their coworkers more than they’d like to admit, so they fail to resist the urge to get to know the people they fancy and end up getting attached to them.

This slowly increases their cravings for recognition and decreases their interest in their partner. At that point, feelings start growing at a steady rate, so it’s only a matter of time before they physically cheat on their spouse and destroy years of love, security, and trust.

Trust can, of course, gradually be rebuilt, but once cheating happens, the relationship is never the same again. It loses its innocence and blind faith, makes it much easier for cheaters to cheat again and leave, and reduces cheatees’ ability to relax and stop scanning for danger.

How fast cheatees recover depends on their ability to forgive and love themselves and what the cheater does to earn their forgiveness and trust back.

If the cheater continues to talk/meet up with his/her affair, the cheater obviously doesn’t make cheatees feel very good. If anything, he or she increases their anxiety and decreases their faith in the relationship.

To fix the relationship and create a sense of security, the cheater must admit to cheating, regret cheating, and swear to never cheat again. He or she must do everything in his or her power to express regret and prove loyalty.

The best way the cheater can do that is to cut off the person he or she cheated with and focus solely on his or her spouse. That’s how the cheater can show that the relationship with the affair person is over and done with and that he or she is ready to invest fully into the damaged relationship.

Many companies discourage workplace romance as it can cause favoritism and arguments and decrease productivity and team morale. But despite that, coworkers often form a connection and unknowingly cross the friendship boundary.

They normally back off and quit their job only if their relationship ends and they don’t like being in the same place as their ex or if they’re forced to resign for breaching work policies.

Those who don’t change their jobs usually continue to feel uncomfortable around the person they dated/had an affair with and feel uncomfortable or anxious. This is especially true for those who get dumped by their affair because rejections cause separation anxiety and trigger fears.

The problem with people who keep working with someone they had an affair with is that they constantly see their affair and think about him or her. They don’t get a chance to distance themselves from that person and heal/focus on their partner.

Instead of fixing things with their spouse, they’re forced to spend a third of every day in misery with the person they shouldn’t have any contact with. This makes them uneasy and their spouse extremely anxious, jealous, and uncertain.

So if your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with, know that the guy now needs to think about your feelings more than his. He broke your heart and trust, so if you feel uncomfortable with him working at the same place as the woman he cheated with, tell him you’re not happy about that and that you expect him to do something about it.

He doesn’t have to resign the very next day, but there’s probably something he could do right now. Perhaps he could start by changing teams, texting/calling you more often, updating you on their communication, and showing you he’s committed to staying away from his coworker and talking to her only about work-related matters.

I don’t know your situation, but I do know that people who had affairs shouldn’t be anywhere near each other. They should be distancing themselves and allowing themselves to detach.

Sadly, work is work, so there’s only so much they can do. They usually can’t switch teams and not communicate just because they’d prefer not to.

So what can they do?

There’s not much they can do, to be honest. They may want to consider finding a new job. But before they do that, they should at the very least try talking to their partner and decide with their partner what the best course of action is.

If their spouse feels very hurt by their cheating and wants them to change jobs, they should do that without any hesitation. Their decisiveness and eagerness to take appropriate action can make their cheatee spouse feel the most reassuring feeling cheaters have the capacity to create.

That’s why if their relationship is important to them and changing their place of work could restore trust, they should be grateful their partner is willing to forgive them and start anew. They should show gratitude by thanking their partner for forgiveness, looking for another job right away, and working on themselves.

Under no circumstance should they take their partner for granted and lie to quit their job just to make their spouse feel guilty and change her mind. If they have no intention of quitting, they should talk to their spouse about it and see if their spouse is open to alternative options.

Today’s post is for women whose husbands still work with the woman they had an affair with.

My husband still works with the woman he had an affair with

The moment a person cheats on you, it’s no longer about his feelings and needs. Priorities instantly change, which means that it’s about your feelings and ways you can heal from infidelity. Your problems are much bigger and more important than his guilt, shame, and reputation at work.

A guy who knows this has a decent level of empathy and care. He knows that he messed up badly and that he’s responsible not just for getting rid of the woman he cheated with but also for helping you feel better.

This means he must give up power and let you be in charge and feel a sense of control. He must do it willingly and happily out of respect and love for you. If he fights with you, calls you names, defends himself, and refuses to stop interacting with his affair partner, it’s evident he doesn’t value you enough.

He may regret cheating, but he doesn’t have the determination to put the effort in and do what it takes to gain your trust back.

A guy like that won’t improve over time. He’ll continue to stick around until he’s forgiven himself for cheating and lost respect for you. And when all respect is gone, he’ll eventually ditch you and hurt you a second time.

So first things first, don’t take a guy back who had an affair and refused to do anything to prove his loyalty and show a desire to grow and regain your trust. Before you even consider taking him back, you should see if he’s willing to do anything it takes to save the relationship.

Open your eyes and remember that regretful guys will do anything you ask them to do. They’ll give you access to their phones and social media, stop talking to the person they cheated with, call you from work, and help you value yourself and feel better about the cheating.

They’ll do this out of respect for you and their own safety. I say safety because if you were to break up with them, you would threaten their emotional well-being, happiness, and quality of life. Regretful guys know that any wrong move could hurt you and make you give up on them and hurt them back.

Guys who don’t know this simply don’t care about you. And because they don’t care, they often stay in touch with the woman they cheated with and develop feelings for her or someone else.

You need to make sure that your husband is mature and regretful enough to regret cheating, reflect on his mistakes, work on growing as a person, and listen to what you want and need. Such a guy may grow from cheating whereas an uncaring one will likely cheat again.

So how can you tell if your husband truly regrets cheating on you and has the capacity to learn and improve from his mistakes?

There’s an easy way to find out.

All you have to do is observe his behavior and attitude over the course of a few days. Self-centeredness, disinterest, frustration, and impatience will tell you that he’s stopped caring whereas his empathetic, patient, caring, and most of all, consistent attitude will tell you that he’s in pain and that he’s worried you could leave him and hurt him.

A guy who genuinely wants to be with you will focus on making sure your needs are met and that you feel secure. Your security and calmness will help him feel calm and accepted whereas seeing that you’re uncertain, hurt, angry, and cold will make him feel rejected and scared of breaking up.

Just to remind you, here are some responsibilities and traits of a good husband.

What to do if my husband still works with the woman he had an affair with?

If your husband still works with the person he cheated on you with, you need to remember that you’re a couple and that couples express their emotions, wants, and problems to each other. By talking about their issues, differences, and concerns, they can feel loved, supported, and respected and make sure they’re all on the same page.

It’s in your best interest not to bottle up difficult emotions and suffer in silence. Withholding emotions from your husband will let him do what he wants (not what you want) and prolong your suffering.

That’s why you should talk to your husband. Tell him you know the upcoming conversation won’t be the most pleasant one but that you’d like to get some things off your chest and look for a solution that works for both of you.

Once you have your husband’s attention, tell him you’re not happy with him continuing to work with the woman he had an affair with and that you expected him to change offices/branches/locations or at the very least, to do something about the situation.

Because he didn’t, you now feel that you have no choice but to talk to him about it and figure out what the best thing to do is. Don’t immediately give him an ultimatum and make him choose between his work and you.

Although this can be one of the options if he displays a lack of care and concern for your feelings, you should first hear your husband out and see what he’s willing to do to make you feel secure and comfortable.

He might suggest alternative options that you’re somewhat okay with. Quitting a job because of an affair is often the right thing to do, but sometimes also unnecessary. It depends on whether your husband still has feelings, urges, or expectations of his affair partner.

The same goes for the other woman. If either of them feels drawn toward the other, they must do whatever it takes to get space from each other. Space is the only thing that could let them detach and allow them to focus on things they want to focus on (you and work).

While speaking to your husband, you must show eagerness to compromise but at the same time, avoid letting him take full control of the situation. You can do this by expressing what you’re willing to do and what you expect of him to change.

I can’t tell you to ask your husband to quit his job because I don’t know how you think and feel about your husband quitting work, but I can tell you what I would do. I would try to gain insight into his and his affair’s relationship and determine if there’s any animosity or awkwardness between them.

If there is, I wouldn’t be okay with them working together because his seeing her could affect his perception of her and me. For that reason, I’d tell him (not blame him) he created a difficult situation and that I want him to find work elsewhere.

I’d avoid giving him an ultimatum unless he got angry/defensive, insisted they were just friends, or blamed it on me and expressed that I’m overreacting. These things would tell me that he’s putting his feelings way above mine and that he’s not taking the cheating seriously.

Work on restoring trust and love

Since your husband destroyed the foundation on which trust is built, the two of you will need to rebuild it. It will take time (lots of time), but with a proper relationship mindset and dedication, you will not only trust each other again but also improve your relationship.

This new relationship will be an improvement of the previous relationship and will have everything the previous relationship lacked plus more.

The things the previous relationship lacked were gratitude, bonding, values, and the ability to control temptations. You must both work extra hard on supporting each other and communicating properly.

You must let go of any resentments, trust issues, and fears you’ve developed as a result of cheating whereas your ex must be honest, kind, patient, and understanding of what you’re going through.

Getting over betrayal and staying together requires mutual understanding and cooperation. The more open-minded, expressive, and interested in working things out you are, the better your new relationship will be.

So if your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with, talk to him and find out what he even wants from you. If he seems unsure and keeps hanging out with the affair woman, don’t contact his affair partner. I strongly encourage you to forget about him because he hasn’t found your worth yet and likely never will.

But if he’s prepared to listen, follow your lead, and help you deal with his betrayal, then you might still be able to talk about problems and grow together as a couple.

Does your husband still work with the woman he had an affair with? How does that make you feel? Share your feelings and cheating experiences with us in the comments below.

And if you’d like to talk to us about your husband’s cheating, sign up for coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.