Before we discuss what it means when your ex wants to talk after no contact, we need to discuss what “after” no contact means. You may already know that no contact is indefinite. It ends not with the passage of time, but when you’re over your ex or when your ex wants you back.
Many dumpees believe that no contact is supposed to last for a certain number of days and that they can safely reach out after that. They like the idea of staying silent for a pre-set amount of time and taking the initiative afterward. I don’t blame them; I was the same way. I thought I needed to wait 30 days before I could contact my ex and start re-attracting my ex.
Luckily, I didn’t reach out. I made enough emotional progress to see things rationally and prioritize my well-being over the temptation to reach out. I learned that talking to my ex wouldn’t make a difference and that it was safer to stay in no contact and focus on myself. Had I reached out, I would have gotten rejected and reset my healing.
That’s why I stopped believing the things I read on the internet about the no contact rule and stayed in no contact. I actively worked on getting rid of the illusion of action, which is the belief that I needed to do something to get back with my ex. Eventually, I saw that breaking the no contact rule would be a big mistake and that I needed to keep my feelings to myself.
Many people online will tell you that your ex will move on if you just wait. Such people will give you hope and urge you to try to talk some sense into your ex. They will get you rejected and force you to start healing from scratch. You can avoid that by learning more about no contact and its rules and why it’s important to let your ex reach out first.
So keep in mind that no contact has no end date. It ends when your ex wants to discuss getting back together and improving communication, trust, and love. That’s when you get on the same page and have a good reason to talk.
You need to remember this when you hear from your ex. Remember that your ex had some time to think and that he or she may or may not have something important to say. Your ex might not say it if you ignore the message and wait for your ex to message you again. Even though the reachout may be a breadcrumb and a complete waste of time, it’s best to give your ex a chance to speak.
By giving your ex a chance to say what’s on his or her mind, you’ll know whether your ex regrets breaking up with you, needs to talk to you about some non-romantic matter, or just wants to catch up and see how you’re doing.
If your ex just wants to talk and be friends, you obviously shouldn’t entertain your ex. You should tell your ex you need more time and that you want to be left alone. Your ex needs to see that you’re putting yourself first and that you won’t talk about things that interest him or her way more than you. Your ex may not like it, but will nonetheless respect it.
He or she will see that you’re standing up for yourself and that you’re not afraid to be alone.
So don’t be afraid to tell your ex you don’t want to talk. As a dumpee, you don’t owe your ex friendship and endless conversations. What you need is to get some space from your ex and heal your broken heart. When you’re healed, you won’t analyze your ex’s actions and care about your ex so much. You’ll learn that you come first and that your ex’s texts and calls can’t give you what you want or need.
It might take a while to recover to the point where your ex’s reachouts stop making you feel anxious and hopeful, but that’s okay. No matter how long it takes, keep in mind that your ex may reach out to talk about things that have nothing to do with getting back together.
He or she may just want to assuage guilt or learn more about you. Keep your hopes low so you don’t feel deceived.
So if your ex wants to talk during no contact, remember that it’s most likely just a breadcrumb. Your ex probably misses you as a friend and/or wants to chat a bit. You’ll find out what your ex wants within minutes of reaching out. Your ex may not say it directly, so you might have to look at the things your ex does and wants from you.
If your ex asks about your new life, your ex is probably curious. If your ex apologizes, your ex feels guilty. If your ex talks about his or her problems or random things, your ex misses having a friend to talk to. And if your ex appears sad, cautious, and regretful and wants your validation and love, your ex has feelings and wants to reconnect romantically.
It shouldn’t be too difficult to learn what your ex wants from you. But you may need to ignore your feelings and look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself what you would want from an ex if you said or did the same things as your ex. By putting yourself in your ex’s shoes, you’ll have an easier time understanding your ex’s choice of words and reasons for talking.
So if your ex wants to talk after no contact (after leaving your ex alone for a while), try to remain calm and composed. Don’t jump to conclusions and assume that your ex wants you back. Although that could be the case, it’s much more likely that your ex has other reasons for wanting to talk.
Other reasons include:
- missing you as a person
- leaning on you for support
- feeling lonely
- wanting you sexually
- seeing how you’re coping with the breakup
- wondering about you
- needing to talk about something important
Because your ex could talk to you for any reason, it’s highly advisable to keep your hope low until you know why your ex contacted you. You can give your ex a few minutes to tell you on his or her own. But if your ex doesn’t reveal the reason for talking to you after that, you can or rather should ask your ex yourself.
You can say something like, “So why did you reach out all of a sudden?” Be direct but respectful at the same time. Your ex will most likely be honest and tell you the truth. He or she won’t have a reason to lie. Not if your ex regrets leaving and wants you back.
Today, we shed some light on why your ex wants to talk after no contact. We also share some valuable tips on how to handle the reachout confidently and maturely.
When your ex wants to talk after/during no contact
If your ex reaches out after a period of no contact, it likely means your ex has something to say. Whether it’s about missing you romantically, non-romantically, or something else entirely, be polite and hear your ex out. See what your ex has to say and whether you can work with it. You may feel hopeful or rejected, but at least you’ll know what your ex wants and be able to tell your ex to take a hike.
You won’t be left wondering what your ex wanted, whether ignoring was the right thing to do, or if you should have responded.
That’s why you should never ignore an ex, especially if you want your ex back. Ignoring is considered immoral, bitter, and vengeful behavior. Your ex won’t like getting ignored after breaking the silence and expecting a response. He or she will probably consider your behavior disrespectful and unworthy of his or her time.
Your ex will get irritated and give up on whatever he or she was trying to achieve.
Hence, I encourage you to find out why your ex broke no contact. Respond, listen, and ask questions if you need to. Your ex’s attitude and behavior toward you will reveal what your ex wants or needs from you and if you should give it to your ex or go back to no contact.
No contact doesn’t officially end when the dumper reaches out and expresses the wish to talk. If you settle for friendship and/or talk to your ex longer than necessary, you’ll overanalyze the things your ex says and look for nonexistent secret meanings. This means you’ll think about things that don’t matter, give your ex what he or she needs, and delay your recovery.
You should talk to your ex longer than a few minutes only when you have something important to discuss (kids, divorce, shared items), when you’re over the breakup and single, or when you’re certain your ex wants you back. Don’t get caught in a lengthy conversation with the dumper, thinking you can make him or her miss you and fall back in love.
If your ex doesn’t want you back when he or she contacts you, it’s unlikely that talking to your ex will change anything. It won’t make your ex realize that he or she has made a mistake and that it’s in his or her best interest to get back together. The reason why talking can’t bring an ex back is that the dumper has his or her guard up and is unreceptive to reconciliation.
The dumper considers the relationship over and likes his or her new life more than the life with the dumpee.
Reconciliation can happen only when the dumper is unhappy and wants the dumpee back for happiness, validation, and/or security purposes. That’s when the dumper feels tempted to initiate the conversation and bring up reconciliation.
Having said that, here’s why your ex may want to talk after no contact.
If your ex wants to talk to you, give your ex a chance to say what he or she wants. Let your ex express thoughts and emotions and reveal why he or she wants to talk. But if you learn that your ex’s reasons for talking don’t align with your needs and expectations, prevent your ex from continuing the conversation. Say that you’re not ready to chat at this point—and wish him or her the best of luck.
If you’re super hurt and don’t want to talk to your ex even for a minute, you can skip the “how are you phase” and go straight to the point. You can ask your ex why he/she reached out and by doing so, avoid getting breadcrumbed. You can say, “Hey, how come you reached out?” Your ex’s response will tell you if your ex has feelings and interest in getting back with you or if your ex wants something else.
If it’s something else, you don’t want to keep talking to your ex. You want to go back to no contact and keep healing. Talking to your ex when you have feelings and expectations is a huge mistake.
Some dumpees talk to their ex for hours. They think they’re having a productive conversation and that their ex feels how they feel. But in reality, their ex has ulterior motives for reaching out and talking at length. Usually, it’s guilt, curiosity, anxiety, or a mixture of everything.
As a dumpee, you must understand that your job isn’t to reel your ex back in with words and nice gestures. Your job is to put yourself first and distance yourself from your ex. If your ex needs your support or validation, your ex will realize that certain benefits are unavailable to him or her and that he or she may have lost them for good.
The only way your ex can obtain them is by getting back with you and investing in you.
It’s your turn to take control
Your ex was in control from the moment he or she broke up with you till the moment he or she reached out. This must not continue. Now that your ex wants something from you, you must learn what your ex wants and either give it to your ex or refuse it. You must demonstrate that your self-love exceeds your love for your ex (that you’re in control of your emotions) and that your ex must follow your lead.
Your ex shouldn’t expect you to chase and do anything he or she wants you to do.
You probably did some begging and chasing after the breakup. Your actions proved that you needed your ex to be with you and validate you. They made your ex feel powerful and more important than he or she is.
You won’t get back with your ex if you make your ex think that he or she is the prize. On the contrary, you’ll push your ex away and make your ex seek approval from people he or she considers to be equal.
So think of your ex’s reachout as an opportunity to regain your lost power and control. Since your ex reached out, make your ex respect your boundaries and consider your requests. If your ex isn’t prepared to compromise, your ex doesn’t love you, nor want to be with you. Your ex wants something else. Something that doesn’t concern you.
The easiest way to tell your ex wants you back is by observing your ex’s willingness to return the power he or she has taken from you. If your ex gives your power back, does what you want, and wishes to impress you, your ex likely regrets dumping you and wants to feel validated by you. He or she is treating you nicely to increase the chance of being forgiven and given another chance.
All you have to do is wait for your ex to initiate the reconciliation talk. Everything will fall into place shortly after.
So if your ex wants to talk after breaking up with you, remember that your ex has something to say and that it may or may not be what you want to hear. You won’t know what it is unless you hear your ex out. You can ask your ex why he or she wants to talk right away or wait for your ex to bring it up.
What you do is up to you. Just don’t entertain your ex’s breadcrumbs and prolong the conversation. Don’t give your ex more of your power because it will affect your health and the time it takes to recover.
Does your ex want to talk after no contact? Why do you think your ex wants to talk all of a sudden? Leave your comment below.
And if you want to talk to us about your ex’s wish to talk, check out our coaching options and reach out.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
