It’s very common for an ex to talk to you and then ignore you.
This kind of behavior is a clear sign that your ex is testing the waters with you and that his or her messages or calls are meaningless.
We call such pointless conversation initiations breadcrumbs and their main purpose is to:
- alleviate guilt
- find out what you’re up to
- discern your feelings toward him or her
- contact you out of boredom
In most cases, when an ex contacts you and disappears shortly after, he or she has no intention of staying in contact.
The dumper instead contacts you for various selfish purposes that don’t concern you in any way, shape, or form.
In this article, we’ll go in more detail and talk about the possible reasons why your ex reaches out to you, talks to you, and then ignores you.
My ex talks to me and then ignores me
Let’s make something clear first.
Ignoring an ex or any living person is very disrespectful.
It shows people that you don’t care about their time and effort enough to reciprocate their actions.
Moreover, it also shows that you have no expectations of them and that you don’t care about their emotions.
And this is very, very wrong from a moral point of view.
Every person – ex or not deserves a response from you no matter what he or she has done.
Yes, even if this person cheated on you and treated you like dirt, he or she still deserves an acknowledgment.
As someone who received poor treatment, you need to have one important goal in mind.
That goal is to be better than your ex and everyone who’s ever hurt you.
And you can only do this by giving them the kind of treatment they don’t deserve.
Now, some of you may disagree with this because you feel responsible for teaching those who wronged you a lesson.
You likely want them to learn through pain and suffering just like you did and make them regret crossing paths with you.
If that’s what you’re thinking, I can tell you that it’s not worth reducing yourself to their level.
There will always be someone who wrongs you in one way or another, so you’d technically always be punishing people for their actions.
You’d become someone who hurts others to feel better about the damage that was done to you.
So before you do that, please remember that hurting others hurts you more than it hurts them.
Although it might temporarily make you feel better and empower you, you’re the one who’s going to have to live with it after the dust has settled.
People will usually hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves.
Sonya Teclai
Whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper, engrave the following information into your mind.
Ignoring a person does one of two things:
- Hurts the person who cares about you
- Makes him or her lose respect for you
What does it mean if my ex dumped me and is ignoring me?
Most dumpers will not talk to you right after the breakup.
They have so much built-up contempt and disgust inside them that their abilities don’t allow them to work through their smothering emotions.
That’s why dumpers with poor emotional intelligence will either:
- React impulsively and get angry at you
- Outright ignore you—and by doing so, make you regret dating them
Whichever option they choose, their lack of care speaks for them.
It describes their personality and says that they can’t overcome their suffocating emotions.
They just don’t have it in them to show some respect and compassion.
And that’s why they instead rely entirely on their primal instincts.
For most underdeveloped minds, primal instincts comprise of impulsive, emotional, and thoughtless responses.
Here’s why exes reaches out to you, talks to you, and ignores you after.
Why did my ex text me and then not reply?
If your ex texted you and didn’t reply after reading your response, your ex probably wanted to see how you’ll respond.
He or she wanted to bring a reaction out of you (positive, negative, or neutral) and discern what you think and feel about him/her.
Your ex did this to obtain some kind of post-breakup empowerment that only you as a dumpee could provide.
And the second you provided it, your ex gained an understanding of your thoughts and emotions and completed the missing piece of his or her puzzle.
Completing this puzzle, of course, had one particular purpose.
To validate your ex’s pre/post-breakup actions and allow your ex to continue moving on without you/with someone else.
It probably didn’t give your ex an ego boost, but rather a guilt-free card that permitted your ex to focus on himself or herself.
If this happened to you, it’s best that you give your ex what he or she wants.
Give your ex a reprieve and let him or her go.
You won’t achieve anything significant by deliberately trapping your ex and making him or her feel guilty, angry, or depressed.
You’ll just push him or her away and ruin your good karma.
My ex started talking to me again and then stopped
In this particular case, your ex probably engaged in conversation with you to pass his or her time until something or someone more entertaining came along.
It’s possible that your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend captivated your ex’s attention.
Or perhaps your ex focused his or her energy on work or studies.
Whatever the case, it’s clear that your ex no longer wished to talk to you, so your ex did what people with low respect for others do.
Your ex stopped talking to you and ignored you.
But don’t beat yourself up for your ex’s actions and inactions.
They aren’t deserving of your concerns. I’m sure you have more productive things to think about, such as your hobbies, friends, and your family.
Besides, it’s way better for you if your ex disappears when he or she doesn’t wish to reconcile.
By sticking around, your ex would just string you along and make you crave his or her approval.
My ex flirts with me and then ignores me
Flirting is a sign of physical and emotional attraction as it depicts mutual affection and helps people bond.
But when your ex flirts with you and ignores you, it’s obvious that your ex’s emotions for you aren’t quite where you want them to be.
They are unfortunately alternating between hot and cold—depending on what your ex thinks and feels.
And there’s a reason why they’re constantly changing.
One of the reasons is that your ex is rationally choosing to keep you at bay so that you don’t get too close to him or her.
It could be a desperate measure for your ex to protect himself or herself from getting involved with you again.
Your ex remembers that it didn’t work out the first time and thinks that giving it a second chance isn’t worth it.
Another reason why your ex flirts with you and ignores you is that your ex has another person whom he or she is close to.
So when your ex speaks to that person, your ex feels more attracted to him or her and no longer needs you around.
He or she needs you only when that person is busy or when they’re arguing.
More reasons why your ex talks to you one moment and ignores you the next
As a dumper, your ex is always on the defense.
He or she has his or her guard up and doesn’t want to bond with you again.
And that’s because bonding is for couples—and you and your ex aren’t one of them.
You’re an ex-couple who used to be in an intimate relationship together until things went south.
So if you insist and try to bond despite being broken up, your ex won’t like that.
He or she will feel smothered and might even ignore and block you.
So if your ex ignored you or did something similarly disrespectful, try not to blame yourself for it.
You just wanted to bond with the person you like and didn’t know that your ex doesn’t want the same.
To be honest, your ex probably liked a little bit of flirting, but when it got too serious, your ex got cold feet and ran away.
He or she failed to commit.
What to do when your ex ignores you?
If your ex ignored you and you don’t know what you should do, I want you to know that there is a universal plan for all broken-hearted dumpees.
And it will never let you down.
This plan is called, “Do what your idol would do.”
Whether this idol is your parent, a friend, or a complete stranger doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that he or she behaves in line with high moral values.
This means that he or she needs to be incredibly mature, self-aware, and in control of his or her emotions.
So when your ex ignores you and you don’t know what to do, pretend that you’re this highly developed person who’s loved by everyone.
By doing so, you will quickly understand what you must say and how you must act.
You’ll realize that you must let your ex get away with ignoring you and forget about it.
You’ll simply brush it off and pretend that it doesn’t bother you.
This is what strong people do on a consistent basis. They practice the kind of mentality that helps them forgive and forget their worst enemies.
And that’s exactly what you need to do as well.
You need to remember that reacting to your ex’s poor treatment doesn’t hurt your ex.
It hurts you and everyone close to you.
So when your ex ignores you and treats you poorly, give your ex space to come back on his or her terms.
Let your ex ignore people if that’s what your ex wants and keep moving on.
Eventually, your ex will likely contact you again.
And when that happens, you probably won’t care about it very much.
Not if you distance yourself from your ex—and in your ex’s absence realize that he or she is a disrespectful, selfish person.
Does your ex talk to you and ignore you on a consistent basis? Let us know in the comments below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Gee mate wish I had of read this 8 months ago, my ex is doing the same to me but after 8 months I now realize why the hell I ain’t heeled up at all, so as of a month ago I’ve ignored her pathetic texts as to be able to move on with my life. Self pride and dignity shall return soon hopefully…
Hi there my ex gf just contacted me after like 4 weeks of not talking asking if I knew this guy who was for her aunties friend? Then she asked how I was doing i told her I was doing well and bossing it at work then never heard from her was this the correct response?
My Ex Girlfriend reached out every 2 months asking for something so I tried getting together and she turned me down. Now another two months later she texts me a decently nice paragraph on my birthday. I’m not asking to get together anymore so I just said “thank you” I almost felt bad because her text was nice. She didn’t answer me unfortunately. This was the first time she has ignored me. I’m not sure if it was the right or wrong thing to do but I feel it was just a friendly birthday text and not trying to reconcile.
Wish I’d read this before I responded to her late-night contact out of the blue. Still hurting after being ditched for someone else, I did everything wrong: leapt to reconnect; let loose with the angry thoughts I’ve been harbouring for months; followed up with a pitiful email confessing my feelings & interest in reconciling.
She of course disregarded my subsequent messages & I feel worse than ever. I’d actually started to make a little bit of headway during no contact & resigned myself to letting go completely. I guess she & her new person had a fall out & she thought of me as a confidence-boosting or boredom alleviating last resort when she was alone one night. Or maybe she wanted to use my response as a means of keeping my replacement on their toes. Whatever the case, I’ve only lowered my worth further in her eyes & humiliated myself.
I hope other people read this page before they follow suit & make things harder for themselves. The dumper left you for a reason. You are no longer a priority. They moved on. Responding to breadcrumbs confirms that you sadly haven’t, that you are a low-quality option, & guarantees their continued lack of respect for you. Finally, your already damaged self-esteem will be completely destroyed & you’ll have to start the hard repair work all over again. Have the dignity to stop reading into their communication & find someone who values you. Better still, forget about other people until you genuinely value yourself.
Hi he left me for another woman 9 years ago he also talked about me so bad to friends & family members now years later he’s flirting with me he even stops by time to time I text him a lot asking how he’s doing sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn’t last nite I texted him and asked him is he good and his response was not really I don’t know what he wants from me im really shocked that he’s even talking to me because a couple of months he was hating me its scary how he did a 360
So can relate to your situation, I too have been guilty of accepting breadcrumbs from my ex over the last 8 months & now I know why I’m still broken and dealing with depression…
Hi, so I’m in a similar boat. My ex ended us as she wanted to focus on coming home plus she was getting pressure from family, friends, job and me unintentionally. Felt she couldn’t connect with me and wasn’t sure on our future or her feelings for me so felt best to end us. I spoke to her briefly that day and said go figure your things out and get in touch when your ready.
34days later she gets in touch asking how things are, hoping I’m well & liking my insta pictures or cycling and runnging. I said things are good, keeping fit and hope she is well also. How was her family., she said family is good, job wise is sorted just arranging to get my things back from the bvi. How was the wedding? I responded ‘it was incredible thanks. Congrats on new job, hope everything is going to plan, when are you looking to get your stuff back here? She responds ‘nearly sorted. New car purchased, get house back in may, new job sorted and old job finish date, just booking flights to return home to get my stuff and sort the car out 😁’. I respond ‘glad it’s all going to plan. New fancy car then, I’m looking to race a Porsche next year. Got reminded of our incredible cuddles today which made me smile’…..no response back. Should I of suggested a meet, left the message or wished her luck getting her stuff back and get in touch when you’ve everything back.?
Too much beating about the bush. Shouldn’t have mentioned the cuddles brah, just asked her where she stood.
She’s done. She never said she’d come back. Only you did, by asking her to get in touch. Sorry.
Zan,
What is the correct tone to strike when an ex reaches out to you like this? In other words, what is the right way to respond to an ex when they talk to you to test the waters as you describe here?
My ex got in touch with me last week for the first time (I have been in NC from the start). I didn’t want to give away what I was thinking, so I gave him brief, neutral, minimal replies. I thought I would hear from him a second time but I haven’t, and it makes me wonder if I failed the test. Perhaps I should have struck a warmer, more upbeat tone?
Hi
So my ex and I was together for a year and my insecurities got the best of me and started arguments we had four physical altercation which the last one crossed the line . We tried working things out after that altercation but other stuff happened in her life with family and friends and myself. So she felt alone she went home to be around loved ones . She became busy because we was on a different time frame so it causes arguments for about a week straight which made her realize she needed space before she grows to hate me she implied. She said she needs to find herself she doesn’t want nobody but herself she needs herself. She doesn’t know how to be my girlfriend anymore with all the possibilities that comes with it. What should I do. We tried the no contact but we texted one time either she texted and I replied the next day or I texted and she replied the next day and sometimes I’ll multiple text and she will reply once I stopped.
I feel like theres really not a single article that seems to apply to my situation that i have found online. This comes a little closer but still my situation always seems so much different than anything i ever see described. We started dating when we were 20. We are 30 now. Its been over a year since the break up. We were together steadily for over 8 years. In those 8 years we did not fight- a few arguments here and there but we always talked everything out. There was never violence, never abuse and no red flags or anything that i can look back on and identify as foreshadowing. We didnt move in together until 3 years into the relationship. It wasnt until the actual day of the breakup when i was completely caught off guard. From that point on i didnt hear from him for almost a year (which included about 2 months after the breakup where we lived together and he was only home when i wasnt and communicated entirely through post it notes- i even got a post it note on my birthday but still never saw him around. He never responded to anything so i gave up. 11 months later out of the blue i got the “i am sorry” text. From then on we have small very formal conversations, but when i respond, he goes weeks or months without a response. This behavior is 100% diffrent from anything he ever exhibited and i have known him for 15 years and have friends who have known him since he was 10 years old and say he has no history like this. I have lost my mind searching for answers. It was a complete flip of behavior in 24 hours that never reversed. I cant even identify a struggle we were having that could have led up to thag day. I thought i was getting close to some sort of answer but he cut off mid conversation and i havent heard from him in 2 weeks.
Very similar to what is happening with me nowadays. It’s been a very very long time after break up. She contacts me on Facebook with a friend request now. I accept her friend request and message her but she does not respond though she was the one who contacted me in the first place.
I then remove her from friend’s list.
After couple of weeks she again sends a friend request. I accept again. In her info on Facebook her phone number is there so I send her a WhatsApp msg. She then responds.
But again goes silent. She keeps messaging every week once or so but hardly responds when I reply back.
Omg this is my story to the tee the 8 years and all I’ve been knowing him for 16 years we dated in Highschool broke up but remained friends we got together 8 years later moved in a 2 months after because we were inseparable,… same as none violent none argumentive relationship we had disagreements here there but like you said worked through he break up with me proclaimed he just wasn’t happy even though I treated him like complete king … he started being unhappy with my physical appearance things like not wearing enough make up etc… he moved into his own place 6months after our breakup we even stay the first night together after the move at his place this how I’m good terms we were despite the hurt he put me through for the last 6 months he has keep in contact then ghost a few days on and off comes sees me let’s me come over stay days then ghost again for a few days this his been Since our separation
Hi all, my ex gf broke up with me about 5 months ago and it was like a shock to me. First days I was texting her trying to figure what was the problem and only feelling worst. She telled me she needed to find herself and that she didn’t feel atracted to me anymore.Then I started no contact and on working on myself.
About two months after, she started sending me some funny stuff on Instagram like she used to do when we were together, and by little she started asking me how I was doing, etc… At this point I was feeling better, she got a new tattoo and sent me photos asking if I liked.
Eventually by March and before the quarentine, I asked her if she would like to go for a walk, and she immediately agreed. It worked well, was not awkard we talked a lot and didn’t talk about our relationship because there was some tension. After this she started reaching out more on Instagram and we started talking more and I adopted a more relaxed and funny posture with a bit of flirt that she seemed to like, because she was laughing and also flirting a bit back, but sometimes she ignored me out of the sudden. And then two or three days later reached me again.
We are now stuck on this kind of routine where she reaches me with some funny stuff, we have some good talk and then she disappears again. What should I do? I’m getting a bit tired of this behaviour, should I ignore her back until she reaches me out with a call or a concrete message? Or should I keep on responding her until something happens?
At this point i’m ignoring her and she sended me already three posts.
Thank your for your help.
Keep working on yourself and don’t rush things. If you can find someone else, even a casual date. I’m sure your ex will react and possibly take a final decision
I could notnget past your everyone deverse to be heard part. I get what you are saying but you can not tell someone who was abused or bullied by someone that they mist respond. That includes cheating ! They communicated through their behaviors and if i chose not to reply than the silence is my response. this is rare for me as 9ntext to explain and cut contact but no one should feel guilted into respondijg to anyone who misstreated you. That is fangerous and shows lack of boundaries, self worth and respect.
Great read, I last week I got a sudden text from ex asking me how I was doing, a bit of text back and forth and then nothing. This week she asked me for the password to the wifi, asked how Easter than nothing again. I’ve been trying to let her go for my sake but I’m stuck wondering if she still cares about me or is just and asshole.
Hi, It is great article. Before just posting about my question I want to let you know that he was the first person of my life so I wanted to marry him at any cost. We had almost four year relation. We ended up because he makes me realized that I am an option for him and he can go to any girl even though he send me a girl message as well where she was decided to meet him and showing her madness to him that she is desperate to meet him. Moreover, he was already married. He was my first love so I wanted to marry him at any cost. Before just ended up he started abusing me by messaging sexual texts even in videos. Afterwards, I involved my family and specifically my mother as well so that he can talk about our marriage and resolve conflicts and you know what all his claims that he will handle the situation were vanished. He had short temper and during the conversation with my mother he put things on me that your daughter first show involvement. I cried for him much and he know all that but he never take any responsibility at his end.
My parents decided forcefully married me with the person I don’t want to marry but when I realized my so called lover cannot do anything for me I married with the person my parents wanted with dead heart.
When I told him about my marriage than in start he showed me that he was so crazy for me and said that he had a minor heart attack as well. I though may be he realized so we can find some way around as well. But when he surely know I am married his behavior suddenly changed and he abused and insult me very much.
Though, I married in 2018 but before starting a new relation I decided to consult with a doctor and normalized my self to forget him because I was mad for him and I don’t want to accept any other person but because of his behavior I had to do this marriage. It took me one year and three months to start a new relationship with my husband. Me and my husband started relation from March 2020. I sometimes still remember my ex because he was my first love.
Now come to the point my ex just send me message on my birthday and after doing some google research I reply him back in good manner. Then he again contacted me to know about my current situation. In start I avoid him but later on when I told him that my job and achievements then he send me good wishes. During these conversations I disturb again and start missing him but he again showed that all fault was at my end and he is correct and good person.
What is your opinion about this person? I feel that I was the only person who involved with him and he was just doing time pass with me because I missed him still and It was very difficult to start a new relation with a new person.
Hi all, I allowed myself to be in this situation with my ex for 3 months now. Even though I lived my life and bettered myself in the meantime, met new people and dated a bit, I loved this man so much and we had planned to start a family etc. so it was hard not to keep in some kind of contact. He was the one who broke it off out of the blue, with a series of hurtful and immature moves, a combination of I need a break, I need to fix myself, it’s not you it’s me, I am scared to get married/have kids, etc. Every day it was something different, so I had to verbalize what was going on and say the words that we are breaking up, I am moving out, etc Had to break my own heart and translate all the clusterfuck that was going on.
At first he was the one contacting me, being nostalgic or flirty, then I engaged him, I asked to meet up at some point and discuss, he started ignoring me. He reappeared, we went out once, didn’t discuss anything relevant, he was flirty again. Then I was the one who asked for a second date, he has been postponing it for some weeks now.
I realize typing this out that this man will never be able to have an honest and open conversation about his thoughts and feelings, probably never was able to during the relationship either. I also realize the love is dead and there is no going back. Some days I am optimistic about my future, and others I cry and have really dark thoughts and bad anxiety
My therapist said he will never give me closure because he doesn’t want to, he will always use me as a safety net, he doesn’t want me to move on, be in a new relationship or move to another city. I also realized it’s the ‘nice guys’ that ruin your life if you let them (not really nice guys, but you know the type, charming, manipulative, breadcrumbers).
My advice to you based on what I am going through is keep you patience, keep your dignity, think of what advice you would give to someone else in your situation or what your idol would do 🙂 try to win them back if you must, never regret that you loved and wanted to be kind or fix things or whatever it was.
Be kind to yourself! We will be ok
So, I was involved in a long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend for 6 months. I made the first effort and visited him in Ireland back in January of this year 2020. Well, when I returned back home to the USA, he avoided me for a few days. When I reached out to him to find out what was going on because it was not normal for him to avoid for more than 3 days, he wrote me a text telling me that the distance between us was not healthy for us and basically broke it off with me. He was not disrespectful, but just really to the point and told me he was being realistic.
Well, obviously this hurt me bad because of the time, money and effort I made to visit him. He treated me well during my visit, so I couldn’t understand why he was breaking up with me so soon. Anyway, I decided to go “no contact” after his break-up text and 2 1/2 weeks later he texted me out of the blue telling me that he still thought of me and that he still loved me and still had feelings for me.He told me that he thought he could let me go but couldn’t..He kept asking me if I still thought of him or if I had moved on and how did I feel when he broke up with me,etc…I did not reveal any of my true feelings to him because I didn’t want to give him the pleasure of knowing that I do still love him. I basically told him that it was best that he find someone local to meet his needs. Well, he didn’t respond back to me after I texted him that.
The statement he made of not being able to let me go really got to me and so the next day I texted him asking him why he decided to let me go to begin with and he responded back telling me it was the distance, that it was the problem and that he thought we got on very well when I was there with him, but that he felt with the distance that it couldn’t really work. He then proceeds to tell me that he wants me to find someone special and “get back out there”, to which I replied,” Who says that I’m not?”. He then says, “Oh so you have ? Have you met someone ? Have you moved on?” I told him it didn’t matter and that he was there and I was here and that he should just do him and I will do me. He then told me that was OK and that he wished me the very best in life. I told him ” same to you”. He said “thanks” and no more response after that.
Well, the next day I texted him again because I felt bad and told him I just wanted to say hello and that I hoped he got to feeling better because he had mentioned to me that he had a very bad cold. Well, he hasn’t responded back to me at all on FB messenger and I’ve seen that he’s been active a few times since I sent my text, so I feel like he is ignoring me now. 🙁 I’m not texting him anymore and I even blocked him on messenger for a day then unblocked him because it’s hard for me right now…Was he just bread-crumbing me the whole time ?? Was I wrong to reach back out to him ? I refuse to be gullible and chase after him, even if that means I never hear from him again. =(
Please let me know your thoughts ? This was just last week that he told me that he still had feelings for me and loved me, etc and now he is avoiding me…
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Michelle C.
Hi Michelle, some men are not secure or mature enough to do long distance, you need to believe him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you in his own way, just not enough to commit. Can you guys move to one or the other’s city? This is actually what someone who really wants to be with you would say ‘hey, i am having trouble with the distance, can we set up a plan to move?’ Be very careful because his behavior will really fuck with your head, read the above article again. Nice guys will ruin you more than some assholes who would have cut you off cold turkey. best of luck, you deserve to be loved and committed to!
Hi Ava,
Thank you for your response. 🙂 He told me he still loved me and that he thought about every day. He said he genuinely cares about me but it’s the distance that is the problem. He says he is just getting his life back together again after the death of both of his parents back in June of 2018. They both died in the same month. 🙁 They were his adoptive parents. (he’s an adoptee)
Anyway, he said he doesn’t want to make any major changes for the time being, so that means he doesn’t want to move here to the USA. The only way I would ever consider moving to Ireland was if I was to get married…So, I guess he does not love me enough to make that change or at least it’s not the love I want.
Maybe he did just reach in guilt…He did say that he felt bad about how things ended with us and that he does care about me. I have not told him that I loved him back. I did tell him that I cared for him and missed him. I haven’t received a response back.
I know that nothing will ever come of this, but I had to clear my mind and let him know that I did still care for him and that I thought about him so that I would not have any regrets in the future about not ever letting him know. I was hard on him when he first texted me out of the blue, but I was respectful. I just didn’t let on how I felt about him.
If I never hear back from him again then at least I let him know that I did care and was not a coldhearted bitch LOL.
Thanks again for your response.
Sincerely,
Michelle C.
Hi Michelle, I believe this man does hold love for you very much but he is not in a position to do anything about it at this stage in his life. He has told himself that long distance doesn’t work (and they usually don’t) and he can’t leave his homeland for the USA, that is a huge big life changing move. I think his perfect answer would be that you move over to Ireland but he knows that is a big ask, particularly as he, nor you for that matter, knows if it would last and he is intelligent and considerate enough of you not to expect you to move to him with no guarantee of the relationship lasting. He cannot talk marriage because you haven’t spent a long time in each other’s company to even have those thoughts. To discuss marriage is not something he is prepared to do and that is understandable but he does wish you two could be together because he does have strong feelings for you, but he isn’t going to ask you to sacrifice your homeland for him because he understands that commitment from the way he feels about not wanting to leave his homeland. He is trying to be mature and gracious when he says to go forward and hope you meet someone else special. Of course in his heart he is hoping you don’t, as you don’t for him vice-versa, and he is trying to be a man about it. He is hurting about having to let you go but he doesn’t want you to hold your life up for him because he knows that isn’t fair on you. He is right about long distance relationships, rarely do they come to fruition as one or the other forms new interests and meets new people where they live and feelings can wane when not together personally all the time. He is intelligent enough to know this. If you play the careless attitude on him and respond with the same pleasantries “yes, I hope you meet someone nice too” and act out that you don’t feel hurt, are your feelings of love really genuine or is it a “who loves who the most” game? Both of you at this point are seeking truth about how much you both love each other. Be real and tell him. Don’t let ego come into it. Let him know that you miss his presence, you miss not kissing him, you miss your conversations together and you are feeling hurt that you aren’t together now. See how he responds. If he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings with his being likewise, and still replies to move on…..then he has let you know he genuinely does not want to continue on with you. If he opens up he feels the same way, then gently discuss how you both be together if that is what both of you are wanting. Toss some ideas about between you – open up the conversation. These are just my thoughts. I am an older woman in my 60’s who has seen life and love and lost and regretted. If it is real, if you feel genuine love for this man, fight for it – don’t sit on your pride. I hope I have given you some things to think about for happiness.
Regards Meggie.
Hi Zan,
I’ve been on and off your blog for about three months. I’m the bad guy in my story, or gal rather.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years 6 months ago. We had been having a tough time for 1-2 years and broke up 2 times during the year only to make up some hours later. We didnt change anything about our relationship though… how stupid we were. Being together so long, we had the feeling it would last forever. When I finally ended things it was because of all the fights we had had, and that I thought I’d be happier alone. I felt like I’d given up so much for him and that I finally wanted to prioritize myself. ….Well, I’m not happier alone. I miss him, I miss us, and feel I was so stupid not to cherish what we had. I’ve learned I’ve been projecting my own issues on the relationship and I’ve been in therapy for a few months now.
At this point, I’ve tried to reach out a number of times and he’s telling me he has moved on. I’ve been desperate and needy 3 months ago and then we went back into semi-no-contact (we have some shared responsibilities). Now I’m trying to get us talking casually on Whatsapp but he is neutral and short in his answers. When he helped me move some of my things recently we talked about starting to meet as friends, but then when I suggested meeting up, he put it off by more than a month.
I think that he is still trying to move on (probably rebounding) and afraid to get hurt. I want to prove to him that I am commited now, but he keeps ignoring me. What should I do? I feel like I need to fight for him since I was the one who ended things. But he doesn’t respond. I know I should not keep pushing but I’m afraid pulling back will only show him that I was not serious about getting back together in the first place.
Zan – thank you for this article. Can these breadcrumbs or pointless initiations also happen in person? For example, If you work with an ex and they find excuses to converse with you after a month of not speaking.
Mr. Z fits well on: “Myex flirts with me and then ignores me”.
But yeah, thx for the tips, I am going try to use it, besides I don’t really need have his contact again.
Hi Zan!
Great article! The dumper’s appearing and disappearing acts are really the worst. Getting your hopes up that he’s finally realizing what he lost when he reaches out, always inconsistently, but always warmly, only messes you up even more. Like I should be ‘grateful’ for the breadcrumbs when they come, because if I’m not appreciative I’m the one with the problem? It’s so demeaning and frustrating. When does the balance come? Should I ignore his next text? Or will that just push him away and make him think I’m being dramatic? Limbo hell …. thanks!
Hi Zan,
This post especially hit home with me. Like a lot of dumpees my breakup came from out of the blue when I thought mostly everything was okay. I did not beg or plead but I was very hurt and angry that the breakup was by text and she refused to discuss it like adults. A spineless and cowarddess ending. I really considered revenge but I’m glad I continued by taking the high road but that was difficult. I really like your discussion for hurt people to take the moral and mature response as to not lower themselves to their level. If I ever hear from the ex in the future I will remember your advise. In the meantime I will continue to go forward happy and content to know I am a high value person and many great women and men out there.
Hi Zan,
Great article and insightful information right there.
My ex and I broke up four months ago, and our relationship was good. Although we were mostly in long distance relationship, three months before breakup, she went to a different city to study, things messed up, lot of miscommunication arose and she broke up. For two months I begged and pleaded, then I came across your blog and went into no contact and I am in it since then. I wish for a future reconciliation, but have been working on myself, and now in a mental state that even if she doesn’t come back, I’ll be okay.
She sometimes text me, just normal stuff to check out what I am doing and have been up to, and although I get completely overwhelmed, I reply to her minimally and don’t pursue conversation with her. Then she disappears for days, and somewhere down I somehow keep expecting that she will text and pursue things from her to make a reconciliation effort. I don’t know if that’s coming within the definition of ignoring me, but it certainly feels she is breadcrumbing. I now don’t text her, or watch her social media, even though she still has our pictures posted in her feed and I have our pictures posted in mine.
What do you think is the best way to respond whenever she texts? I read your article on stages of breakup for a dumper, and although its difficult to discern exactly since she is in a different city, she seems happy and elated in her new college life, and seems in her elation stage. What do you think is the best course of action for me if I wish for a future reconciliation?
We were married 25 years, split going on six years, after 4 he contacted me and said we should be friends since we have kids, even told me he loved me.
Suddenly 2 weeks later im ignored again his last words were, don’t talk to me i don’t want to know who your with or where your going.
its been another year and nothing. I miss him everyday like a dumbass.