My Ex is Dating Me and Someone Else At The Same Time

Are you in a situation where your ex is dating you and someone else at the same time? Does the thought of your ex being intimate with someone else bother you and make you feel insecure?

If it does, I don’t blame you. Your ex is being inconsiderate of your feelings and is stringing you along for his or her selfish gain.

Your ex isn’t doing that on purpose to play games with you or to punish you for something you did in the past, but because you’re allowing your ex to treat you as a friend or a friend with benefits.

You’re offering your ex a relationship with no status and your ex is taking the offer because that’s exactly what your ex wants.

I’m not saying it’s your fault your ex is dating you and someone else at the same time. All I’m saying is that you didn’t back off when you had the perfect chance to do so (when the breakup occurred).

Instead of respecting yourself and walking away, you entered into a competition with your ex’s new fling and conveyed to your ex that you’ll fight for unrequited love. This in turn, only made things worse as it raised your ex’s ego and made it possible for your ex to have the cake and eat it too.

I don’t know what your ex is like as a partner, but fortunately, I don’t need to know to tell you that your ex isn’t worth the fight. He or she may be a kind, generous, and hardworking person, but he or she isn’t emotionally ready for a serious relationship.

At least not right now because your ex is trying to find himself or herself with the help of others.

Let me rephrase that. Your ex is lost and is trying to figure out what he or she wants through the use of other people.

Lots of people do this after coming out of a serious/long-term relationship. They feel they’ve lost a part of their identity, so they assume that the best way to find themselves is to venture out into the dating world and see what else is out there.

This, of course, is not the ideal way to go about it. The best way to find yourself after a long-term relationship is to avoid hurting people who are looking for a connection by looking for answers within yourself.

I suppose people these days seem to think that being single is a weakness. They don’t know that it’s actually a strength and that they should do some soul-searching before they get involved with someone else.

In this post, I’ll talk about what to do if your ex is seeing you and someone else simultaneously. I’ll make it simple and give you only two options to choose from.

Is my ex two-timing me?

If you’re still unsure whether your ex is two-timing you, I suggest that you start finding out. The sooner you get to the truth, the sooner you’ll know where you stand with your ex.

So ask yourself some important questions:

• Do you have a feeling that your ex keeps hiding things from you?
• Is your ex lying or refusing to talk about certain things and tell the truth?
• Is your ex refusing to answer your questions about his/her whereabouts and the people he or she is with?
• Do you feel unprioritized and neglected?
• Is your ex hot and cold and indecisive?
• Is your ex making excuses not to see you? Saying things like “I’m busy.”
• Is your ex showing signs of giving up on you?
• Does he or she keep postponing plans with you?
• Do you see your ex online late at night?
• Does your ex ignore you or not reply as quickly and enthusiastically as before?
• Does your ex get easily frustrated with you?
• Does your ex contact you only when he/she needs you?
• Is your ex afraid of your unplanned visits?
• Is your ex investing in you and the relationship?

If you don’t know the answers to some of these questions yet, I suggest do more digging. Get to the bottom of your ex’s behavior by talking to your ex and asking him about his/her plans for the future.

You don’t need to pressure your ex and accuse him of being disloyal but do figure out what your ex thinks of the relationship and how he or she feels about taking things further with you.

This will reveal your ex’s feelings and intentions almost instantaneously. Just keep in mind that it could mean the end of the relationship.

But that’s okay—don’t be afraid.

Two-timing is a form of disrespect. And if your ex is disrespecting you behind your back, it’s definitely not something you should ignore in hopes of pleasing your ex.

You should do something about it so that you can stop worrying and move forward.

When you talk to your ex and discover that your ex is two-timing you, bear in mind a two-timer ex could react with lots of anger (the way cheaters do) or conversely, make excuses and say that he or she did it to protect you.

How he or she reacts will probably depend on your approach, meaning that if you get angry and demand answers, you might trigger your ex’s self-defense mechanism and bring out the worst in him/her.

But if you get hurt and cry, then your ex might feel bad and try to reassure you and save his/her skin.

Why is my ex dating two people at the same time?

If your ex is two-timing you and you don’t know why, keep in mind that your ex is doing it for a very good reason.

Your ex is:

• hoping for a big change in life
• looking to have fun for a while (avoiding commitments and seeing what else is out there)
• intending to keep you as a backup plan in case something goes wrong
• and lacking the courage to tell you it’s over

To be completely honest, the chances of your ex wanting to be with you while dating someone else are not super high. They’re low to medium at best because your ex is in an experimental phase and is in no hurry to choose a person to commit to.

Your ex knows that if you walk away that he or she still has the other person on standby. And conversely, your ex also knows that if the other person leaves or proves to be incompatible that he or she can always return to you.

It’s a win-win for your ex because your ex is surrounded by unconditional admirers, feels secure because of them, and has no reason to take action any time soon. He or she doesn’t need to because he or she is discovering new things about dating and likes it.

A while ago, I saw some people online commenting that having dating options in a relationship is a good thing and that everyone should have one or two contingency plans in place just to be safe.

Honestly, I don’t know why they said that, but in my opinion, this kind of thinking is very, very flawed.

Not only is it morally wrong to get close to other people during a committed relationship, but it’s also harmful to the development of the relationship.

That’s because backup options often lead to a loss of attraction and cheating. They don’t affect every loyal person, but they do sometimes get those who have doubts, fears, mental health issues, inadequate morals, below-average self-control, and poor self-awareness.

While it’s true that multiple dating options boost people’s sense of self-esteem and self-importance, it’s also true that they confuse and distract people. They reduce the importance of their priorities and prevent them from focusing on the person who loves them and wants to build something with them.

In simple terms, options make it difficult for people to stay committed when stress, temptations, doubts, and negative emotions emerge.

Those who’ve been unfaithful before know what I’m talking about. They know they wouldn’t have cheated on their partners had they done everything in their power to distance themselves from other men or women before they developed feelings for them.

Here’s a quick relationship tip you might want to remember.

If you want to have a successful relationship with someone you love, it’s of utmost importance that you get rid of all backup options. Cancel your plans with them, delete them from social media, and block their phone number if you need to.

Do whatever it takes to push them away and stop yourself from thinking about running back to them when your relationship with your partner slows down or experiences difficulties.

Every relationship experiences issues and pressures at one point or another. And if you want to overcome yours in a quick, mature, and healthy manner when they arise, you have to know how to act.

You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) drop all friendships and make your romantic relationship your only priority in life because that will create codependence and smother your partner.

But you do have to stop talking to people you’re intimately close to and make your partner a priority.

Some people think they need dating options because they don’t want to suffer if they get dumped. But such people need to realize that there’s no need to be overly protected of themselves.

Overprotection is what we refer to as trust issues.

The dangers of being your ex’s backup option

If your ex parts ways with the new person and chooses to be with you, it may feel like you’ve won the battle, but, unfortunately, the battle is far from over. The battle has just begun because your ex might not be able to fall back in love with you and build something meaningful with you.

Your ex might try but fail because he or she lacks determination and commitment.

This is because until your ex comes back, you aren’t your ex’s first option. You’re just a backup option that hasn’t made your ex feel what it’s like to live without you.

So even though your ex may focus on you for a while and give you more attention than before, keep in mind that your ex might not be able to form a connection with your again. Your ex might instead take you for granted again and put you on the back-burner.

Especially if your ex finds someone else and feels ready to be with that person.

In that case, your ex could discard you very quickly and make you feel like a fool for holding on for so long.

Here’s why putting your faith in a two-timer is dangerous.

If your ex comes back after dating someone else, you’ll probably be very fearful that something bad will happen. You’ll have fears of getting hurt (dumped) again, so you’ll walk on eggshells and try to please your ex.

This will make you look weak and insecure and put your ex in full control. So be careful not to be at your ex’s mercy ever again. If anything, your ex should be at yours so that your ex can learn to value you again.

I’d like you to be aware of the dangers of being your ex’s backup option so that you don’t get your hopes up too much. Always remember that your ex is your ex and that he or she needs to work very hard to earn your trust and loyalty back.

You mustn’t just hand it over to your ex because you’re afraid of losing him/her.

It could take a long time before your ex decides who to be with

If your ex is dating you and someone else simultaneously, you need to know that your ex is in no rush to get back to you. Your ex has two (or more) options to choose from, which is why your ex is going to take his or her sweet time to decide what to do and who to be with.

Your ex will consider the pros and cons and eventually push someone out of his or her life. That someone will probably be you because your ex already knows you. He or she knows what you have to offer, but isn’t so sure about the new person yet.

The new person is still a mystery.

And yes, you may have a history (nostalgia and familiarity) with your ex, but the connection, unfortunately, isn’t as strong as it used to be. It’s much weaker now, which is why your ex is capable of dating two people at the same time.

So get the thought that your ex still feels strongly about you out of your head.

A connection isn’t something that is formed once and forever. Just how most things in this world, a connection can be destroyed much quicker than it is created.

Right now, you have to understand that your ex has at least two options to choose from. And those options are not a good thing because they’re hindering your ex from feeling the need to be with you before someone else gets to you.

To put it simply, your ex just isn’t afraid of losing you and doesn’t mind you dating other people.

What to do if my ex is two-timing me?

Knowing your ex is two-timing you can feel like your ex is taking advantage of your emotional vulnerability while you’re trying your hardest to get back on your feet and prove to your ex that you deserve another chance.

That’s why you only have two options to choose from.

1. You can either put up with two-timing and hope that your ex chooses you at some point in the future.
2. Or you can gather your strength and step away from your ex for good.

If I were in your shoes, I’d tell my ex I need time to myself and ask him not to contact me anymore.

By doing so, I would stop wondering why my ex can’t be honest with me and start thinking more about myself.

So ask yourself. Do you want to be an option or the option?

What to do after the two-timing?

I believe that no matter how much a person has hurt you that you should always forgive that person. You should do it for yourself so that you can set yourself free and eventually find someone you can trust again.

Many people today have trust issues because they don’t take the time to work through their traumatizing experiences. Instead of forgiving their exes and themselves for hurting their exes, they hold their ex or themselves accountable and refuse to let go.

This is how they become prisoners of their own pasts and make life extremely challenging for themselves.

I want you to do be stronger than that. Acknowledge that unpleasant things have happened to you but that you’ve grown stronger and smarter because of them.

Be that person who says, “I’ve been dealt a bad hand, but I’ll keep playing this game of life even though things seem pretty bad right now.”

If you do that, you’ll sooner than later let go of the past and increase your self-love. Things will get much better.

As for your ex, there isn’t much to do. My advice is to stay in no contact till you’re ready to talk to your ex.

Did you decide on what to do when your ex dates you and someone else at the same time? Write your comment below.

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Angelie

I’m Angelie, a writer and a designer at Magnet of Success. Whether I’m writing compelling content or designing engaging pictures, I create content that resonates with our visitors and aids them on their self-improvement journey. I enjoy writing about relationship dynamics and the difficulties couples may face.