My Ex-girlfriend Says She Hates Me

Hate is a strong word, often exaggerated and said in the heat of the moment. Dumpers use it when they feel pressured, disrespected, unheard, and victimized. They feel overwhelmed with negative emotions and think that the word “hate” is perfectly acceptable and that it will justify their negative emotions and behavior.

Most of the time, however, it does more harm than good. It hurts the dumpee and forces the dumpee to fight back. The dumpee says something in retaliation (something offensive) and walks away without making peace and obtaining closure.

If your ex-girlfriend says she hates you, she probably associates a lot of pain and anger with you. She thinks your behavior toward her is inexcusable and that you deserve to suffer for what you’ve done and how you’ve made her feel. Maybe she doesn’t want bad things to happen to you, but her personal feelings about you indicate that she doesn’t trust you with her happiness and well-being anymore and that she wants you to respect her space and need to be in control of her post-breakup life.

She could have said she lost faith in the relationship and lost feelings for you, but instead, she chose meaner words. She chose to tell you she hates you during a breakup. This implies she doesn’t want to see you and chat even as friends. Due to negative perceptions and pent-up frustrations, she wants to completely close the chapter with you and move on to better things (alone).

Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. Unless you’ve done something really bad (something like cheating, stealing, calling her names, and hitting her), her hatred is her problem. She didn’t open up to you about things that bothered her and looked for healthy solutions to deal with unhappiness and pain before it snowballed into resentment.

Instead, she expected you to change and waited for things to magically improve. Many people become resentful because they focus on their partner’s negative traits and fail to see his or her good ones. They expect their partner to do all the work, reach their expectations, and ease their frustrations.

Because that usually doesn’t happen, they convince themselves their partner isn’t changing and making them feel good. According to them, he or she isn’t paying attention to the right things and investing in him/herself and the relationship. This leaves them with no choice but to give up on the relationship and leave.

When they leave, they tell their ex they’re unhappy and take their anger out on their ex. Due to anger and power, they make it seem like their ex is entirely responsible for the breakup and refuse to do anything about their own behavior.

Many if not most dumpers blame their ex for the breakup. They want their ex to know he or she messed up so they don’t have to take accountability and change anything about themselves.

They’re okay with their flaws, breakup, and how their ex sees them.

Dumpees are the ones who want their ex to respect and love them. Their happiness depends on their ex, so they get hurt when their ex tells them things like “I hate you, move on!” They take offensive comments, post-breakup happiness, and their ex dating someone else to heart and think poorly of themselves. The worse their ex treats them and the happier they appear, the more they hurt their rejected ex and the harder they make it for their ex to love himself and move on.

So if your ex-girlfriend told you she hates you, bear in mind that she’s become bitter and (slightly) vengeful. She’s projecting her pain onto you and wants you to feel how she feels. To say she doesn’t like you is an understatement. She downright despises you for ignoring her wants, needs, or happiness and making her resentful to the point of no return.

If you were a bad partner and did lots of bad and selfish things to hurt her, she probably won’t come back. Not unless she has a really tight bond with you, lacks romantic options, and doesn’t love herself.

To come back when she hates your guts, she’ll need to realize she was the problem and completely change her opinion of you. It will take tons of self-reflection to let go of unhealthy perceptions of you and deal with her deep-rooted anger and frustration.

She’ll need to realize that each person is responsible for his or her emotions and that blaming others for personal problems is something immature and bitter people do. Only immature, resentful, vengeful, and “self-unaware” people project their problems onto others and expect their problems to go away.

Such people stay as they are maturity-wise and continue to experience the same problems.

Despite facing the same issues over and over again, they’re too closed-minded to see themselves from different perspectives, accept healthy criticism, acknowledge their mistakes, commit to self-improvement, and outgrow themselves.

It’s hard to say if your ex-girlfriend will grow to the point she needs to. This depends on her desire or need to make positive changes. After the breakup, she probably won’t change anything about herself. She’ll probably focus on having fun and feeling good. This includes hanging out with friends, meeting new people, and perhaps even dating.

She’ll completely ignore the need to evolve because she’ll feel empowered and relieved.

Your ex will likely need to experience something difficult and painful. Something she can’t deal with alone. If she encounters a problem bigger than she can handle, she could have an epiphany, stop hating you, and start wanting to love herself. This means she could seek your approval, love, and commitment and do anything she needs to feel needed and safe.

Just don’t pin your hopes on it. The chance of a hating ex-girlfriend to go through all these emotional processes isn’t very high. Instead of reflecting and changing, she could once again blame others or the circumstances for her misfortunes and move on to someone else. She could rinse and repeat this behavior multiple times before she decides to do something about it.

Although it’s normal for dumpers to feel angry after the breakup, it’s not healthy and reasonable for them to stay full of hate for months. If you leave them alone by going no contact, they should eventually stop feeling victimized, angry, and relieved, and feel neutral about the breakup.

They will still perceive you negatively or at least remember why you’re not their ideal partner, but they won’t hate you for loving them and staying committed until the end. If they hate you months after breaking up, they have some serious anger issues to address. Their anger signifies that they aren’t working on themselves and growing within, but that they’re casting themselves in the role of a victim on purpose to feel sorry for themselves and hold on to power.

However, if they hate you because you’re reaching out, begging for another chance, and making them feel uncomfortable, then you’re partly responsible for their vexation. You’re not following the rules of no contact and letting them process the breakup. Instead of giving them space, you’re putting them in an uncomfortable situation, making them relive the negative breakup emotions and fueling their anger.

This needs to stop or your ex-girlfriend could act on her hatred and say or do something to destroy your remaining self-love, self-respect, and hope.

Today, we learn why your ex-girlfriend says she hates you and share advice on how to encourage her to stop hating you.

Why does my ex-girlfriend say she hates me?

Your ex says she hates you for two possible reasons.

1. She had different expectations of you and was unhappy with your performance during the romantic relationship. Expressing pain lets her feel better about the injustice she suffered.
2. She doesn’t feel respected after the breakup and wants to push you away by force.

Whether she’s disappointed with your past or recent behavior, she associates unhealthy emotions with your persona and wants you to understand her feelings, wants, and needs. She wants you to stop what you’re doing or take accountability for the mistakes you made as her partner.

Your ex thinks she didn’t have enough say in the relationship and is looking for a way to gain control of the breakup. She has nothing to lose and fear because she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. She can safely turn you into the culprit and make herself feel victimized. She can do that simply by saying she hates you and directly or indirectly reiterating that she broke up with you because of your decisions, actions, or attitude.

“I hate you” is a strong statement. Dumpers who claim to hate their ex lack respect for their ex and think it’s okay to say hurtful words to their ex. They think it’s okay because they suffered a lot when they were with their ex or because their ex won’t respect their space and privacy after the breakup.

If your ex-girlfriend said she hates you and you can’t figure out what you did to deserve such condemnation, know that it may not have anything to do with you. The girl or woman might despise you because she’s angry at the world and thinks that holding you responsible for her pain will make her problems go away and make her feel better.

She doesn’t know that it will only help her temporarily. Making you her scapegoat will let her feel sorry for herself until she realizes she hasn’t gotten rid of her problems and that she’ll have to put the work in if she wants to live a better life.

So keep in mind that your ex told you she hates you because she feels angry and taken advantage of. She blames you for her problems and feelings and hopes to make you feel how she does. She may or may not want your apology; it’s hard to say. Most angry dumpers just want to be understood and continue to hold on to power for control.

They’re not interested in fixing things and hugging it out.

That’s what people in relationships (couples) do. They want sympathy, apology, and commitment to the relationship. If your ex isn’t open to talking and making plans for the relationship even days after the breakup, she told you she hates you to get you off her back and focus on her wants and needs. She doesn’t want you to apologize again and again and give her even more power.

She has enough power already.

If she wanted you to apologize, she’d be receptive to you and eager to get back together. She’d want to talk about problems that broke you up and look for solutions that are best for the relationship and work for both of you.

Hence, her fury and unwillingness to reconcile show that she doesn’t want you back. She has detached emotionally and has no drive to invest in you and be with you. All she wants is to punish you for the problems and pain you’ve caused her and stay away from you.

With that said, here’s why your ex-girlfriend says she hates you.

What should I do when she says she hates me?

First things first, don’t tell her you hate her too. That would be immature and incite a negative response out of her.

The best you can do is apologize for hurting her and leave the conversation. It will show you respect her feelings and decisions. It will also show you love yourself enough to walk away and let her think and feel what she wants. Nothing is more attractive than confidence and self-respect.

If you walk away with your head held high, your ex will respect you and think about you more than if you over-apologize, beg for attention and love, and settle for friendship.

You may be in a lot of pain and desperate to get back with your ex, but don’t forget that a furious ex isn’t looking for apologies and reasons to be with you. She’s already made up her mind and can’t be talked back into a relationship. She’s convinced she knows who you are and what you’re capable of.

Whether you can change isn’t something she’s worried about. The thing that stops her from coming back is her negative perception of you and her unwillingness to change that perception. If she were to change it, she’d have to admit she was wrong and that she’d made mistakes as well.

At the moment, she’s not ready to talk about her mistakes and flaws. She doesn’t have a reason to reflect deeply and worry about her issues. She just wants to distract herself from problems and enjoy her life. She’ll deal with her problems when she’s forced to deal with them.

This could be when she encounters a problem she can’t deal with and realizes she’s not perfect and desirable.

If you tell her she’s overreacting and try to make her think and feel differently about you before she gets in a pickle, you’ll cross her boundaries and be forced to see firsthand how she deals with convincing, stalking, and desperate exes.

So take her “I hate you” seriously and give her the space she craves. She broke up with you to get away from you. She doesn’t want you to chase her and show her you can be the partner she desires and deserves. This isn’t about your willingness to change and do what she wants.

It’s about her losing respect and love for you. You can’t force yourself into her comfort zone and expect her to treat you well. She won’t be nice to you as long as she hates you and doesn’t want to converse and be near you.

You’ve got to let her deal with post-breakup anger on her own. She’ll deal with it if she wants to. And if not, that’s okay too because you’ll soon stop caring about what she feels and start caring about yourself and your new life.

Does your ex-girlfriend say she hates you? Why is she so angry? Share your breakup story and reasons for her anger below the post.

And if you’d like a quick and more detailed response, get in touch with us via our private coaching services.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.