My Ex Contacted Me After 5 Years. What Should I Do?

Exes often reach out after 5, 10, or even 20 years. They become curious about the ex they lost contact with, so they try to reestablish contact and learn more about their ex’s new life. Sometimes they just want to know how their ex is doing because they’ve been thinking about their ex a lot, and other times, they want to know if their ex is open up to getting back together and reconnecting emotionally.

What they want isn’t very hard to find out because most of the time, they will voluntarily tell you. They’ll say, “I’m reaching out to be friends, because I miss you, because I’m bored, or because I want to see if you’d like to give us another chance.”

You must be wary of words like “I miss you” and “I love you” because those words rarely mean what you think they mean.

Most of the time, they indicate that something’s going on with your ex emotionally and that you need to find out what that is so you don’t get sucked back into a bad situation and get used for emotional support.

If you got dumped by your ex and it’s been like 5 years or so since you’ve heard from your ex, you should first figure out why your ex is reaching out. Doing so will not only protect you from getting used and hurt but also help you understand what’s going on in your ex’s life and what your ex expects from you.

If he or she expects friendship and you’re not ready or interested in it, you obviously shouldn’t accept it. Becoming friends with your ex when you don’t have much or any respect for your ex wouldn’t be the mature thing to do because you’d be going against your principles.

You’d be giving in to the idea of being polite and letting your ex get his or her way. You should always be a bit cautious about an ex coming back into your life years later because there’s a reason why he or she is reaching out. And that reason could have something to do with life not going the way he or she had imagined it to go.

Something could be causing your ex a lot of anxiety and pain. And you need to get to the bottom of it so you don’t jump back into a relationship and get taken advantage of. You want to be smarter this time. Especially if your ex left you and treated you horribly afterward.

In that case, you should try to learn if something bad happened to your ex that inspired him or her to apologize and asking for forgiveness.

Today, we’ll talk about the steps you should take if your ex contacted you after 5 years or more.

Why did my ex contact me after 5 years?

There are many reasons why exes contact you out of the blue after 5 years. We’ll try to cover as many of them as possible so you can determine your ex’s reasons for reaching out.

With that said, the most feasible explanation for your ex’s reach out is that your ex was curious about you. He or she had spent a significant amount of time wondering about you, building up interest to reach out. And when enough interest had finally built up, your ex decided to contact you and find out what you’d been up to all these years. Your ex wanted to know if you were happy and if you’d found that special someone to share your happiness with.

Curiosity often drives people to contact their exes years later. It starts with a few ex-thoughts, but those thoughts gradually develop into a desire to understand what’s going on with the person they used to be extremely close to.

Understanding their ex’s life eases their burning desire for information on their ex and enables them to focus on themselves and keep moving forward. This explains why so many people (especially dumpers) disappear after reaching out. They obtain information (empowerment) from their ex, so they quickly get bored and stop feeling the need to communicate further.

Another possible reason why your ex contacted you after 5 years is that something had gone wrong in your ex’s life. Something or someone had hurt your ex, lowered his/her self-esteem and pride, and forced your ex to seek shelter and comfort in you.

Because you were close to your ex not too long ago, your ex still considered you dependable. He or she thought and hoped that you would provide shelter and support until he or she has recovered and started feeling better.

Of course, your ex wasn’t thinking about what he or she would do with you after he or she has healed. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion.

He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support.

If your ex needs your help with something, your ex may not necessarily express that to you directly. He or she could indirectly seek your approval and support by sending you confusing, hope-instilling messages also known as breadcrumbs.

An example of breadcrumbing could be messages like:

• I miss you
• I’m thinking about you
• Our relationship was special
• I really care about you
• You’re extremely important to me
• You’re the best

Words like that are more often than not a mixture between a projection and deception – something a person says when he or she is in pain and wants reassurance. You need to keep them away from your heart so you don’t get pulled back in just because your ex is struggling.

Moreover, sometimes people contact their exes simply because they’re bored. They have no one entertaining to spend time with and don’t know what to do with themselves, so they reach out to an ex they respect at least to some degree because that person may be able to keep them busy until they find something better to do.

Their ex is essentially their temporary source of entertainment and a distraction that allows them to stay engaged.

So if your ex is bored, know that he or she would speak to you only when it’s convenient for him/her.

Your ex would talk to you when he or she is:

• lonely or out of people to talk to
• waiting in line
• waiting for friends/partner
• on a bus
• on a break at work/school
• at home sick

When exes have enough time to think about things, that’s when they contact you and alleviate boredom. They reach out because they’re tired of twiddling their thumbs and want something entertaining to do. If that’s what your ex is doing, it’s obvious you’re not your ex’s top priority anymore because 5 years have passed since you’d even heard from your ex.

You weren’t important to your ex, so you’re probably not very important now either.

Another possible explanation as to why your ex is messaging or calling you all of a sudden is that your ex finally feels guilty for what he or she has done to you. It’s possible that your ex got hit by karma and/or that he or she finally regrets treating you poorly/unfairly.

You see, guilt doesn’t always occur right after the breakup when emotions run high. It sometimes happens much later when the dumper gets involved with someone impulsive and vengeful who reminds the dumper of his or her past behavior.

That’s when the dumper tries to appease his or her guilt by reaching out to the dumpee. Sometimes this happens after a few weeks and other times, years later. It’s impossible to predict when a person is going to hit a snag in life and reflect.

But generally speaking, the more underdeveloped a person is or conversely, the more self-conscious he/she is, the higher the chances that a person will anger the wrong person, start feeling sorry for himself/herself, and reach out to the dumpee to directly or indirectly apologize/gain recognition.

We should also mention that some exes reach out just for sex. They run out of sexual partners, so they contact people from the past to spice up their sexual life. Such people often start flirting with their ex soon after reaching out and ask to meet up at night when it’s the most convenient for them.

Although exes know each other and can reconnect very quickly if they want to, always remember that 5 years is a lot of time and that there’s a time and place for flirting and sleeping together. That time isn’t right after reaching out. It’s sometime later when ex-couples figure out where they stand and what they want.

So with that being said, here are some reasons why your ex contacted you after 5 years.

Should I get back with my ex after 5 years?

People change and grow with time, so keep in mind that your ex may have grown a bit. How much he or she has grown really depends on experiences, lessons, and self-reflections he or she had been through.

The more work your ex had done on himself/herself, the higher the chances that something good could come out of the relationship if you give it another chance.

To understand how much your ex has improved, you should try to learn more about your ex’s mentality. Ask your ex lots of questions about post-breakup discoveries and discern whether he or she has matured or not.

Once you feel that your ex has outgrown his or her old self, you’ll then need to figure out if your ex respects you and came back for you. Sometimes dumpers reach out because of romantic rejection and pain, so they don’t necessarily come back for their exes. They come back to use their exes so they can ease their anxiety and mend their broken hearts.

This is something you need to pay attention to and avoid at all costs. Before you get back with your ex, puzzle out if your ex is in some kind of pain and needs to reconnect with you to stop that pain. You can do that simply by talking to your ex about the unpleasant things that had happened just before reaching out to you.

Your ex might not tell you everything from the get-go, but try to encourage your ex to open up anyway. Make him or her feel safe for sharing difficult things with you—and then decide whether getting back with your ex is even the right thing to do.

I can’t decide if it is for you because I don’t know your ex. All I can do is dissuade you if your ex recently got dumped and is heartbroken or if the relationship with your ex was unhealthy and unfulfilling.

So whatever you do, don’t rush back into a relationship with your ex the moment you get a chance to do so. You should take things slowly so you can get to know your ex again and discern what or who caused your ex to reach out to you.

There’s a reason behind every action and inaction. Find that reason before you venture off into the unknown with your ex.

Here are my tips on what to do when your ex contacts you after 5 years.

Whether it’s been 5 or 20 years since you’ve last heard from your ex, remember that you won’t have a fairytale-like relationship just by getting back with your ex. To have a successful relationship, you’ll both need to work on yourselves individually and as a couple.

That’s how you’ll be able to overcome your differences and make sure that the relationship doesn’t go down the same path as before.

So once again, be smart about this. You don’t have to get back with an ex just because your ex wants you back. You can just take the time to get to know your ex and then make a logical decision that makes the most sense to you. Obviously, if you’re in a relationship with someone, don’t abandon your partner to be with your ex.

You may have feelings for your ex, but those feelings don’t necessarily come from a healthy place. They probably come from a place of rejection (hurt ego and self-esteem).

Did your ex contact you after 5 years and made you wonder why he or she reached out? Post your views and questions in the comments section below.

Or if you want to talk to us about your ex’s breadcrumbing, get in touch with us here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.