My Ex-boyfriend Has Changed Into A Different Person

The journey of self-discovery that follows a breakup can lead to significant personal changes. It can force dumpees to suffer and grow and make dumpers so relieved that they do things they previously didn’t do and said they wouldn’t do.

Some dumpers treat their exes poorly during the breakup and destroy their exes’ self-esteem whereas others treat their exes with respect and turn into completely unrecognizable people.

They appear to have forgotten who they are as people and what they like and dislike and as a result, confuse their dumpees with all the changes they’ve implemented in their lives post-breakup. They make dumpees wonder what triggered these changes and if they’re responsible for them.

If you’re also wondering why your ex has changed so much, the truth is that dumpers seldom change into better people. They may pick up a few new hobbies, make some new friends, and turn into party animals, but they don’t necessarily change for the better.

Most of the time, they only look and act differently because they feel relieved and wish to make use of their newfound relief.

Relief is the driving force behind their big, yet temporary changes as it makes them engage in unpredictable behavior. It forces them to get angry, cold, or mean when their ex gets in their way and pressures them into thinking about the things they don’t want to think about.

Things they don’t want to think about can be anything that has to do with the breakup and getting back together.

The interesting thing about relief is that it doesn’t last very long. Despite it being a very strong emotion, it makes dumpers feel liberated only for a couple of months on average.

When relief runs out (and it always does), they stop being impulsive and slow down a little bit. They don’t necessarily ditch their new friends and stop acting rude or impatient toward the person they left, but they do stop feeling this incessant need to explore life and do something new and exciting.

Dumpers may be done feeling relieved after a few months, but they still go through other stages of a breakup such as the elation stage. The major difference between the relief and elation stage is that in the elation stage, they don’t feel relieved anymore.

They feel mainly happy for leaving a relationship that held them captive and prevented them from being their true selves.

Many dumpers start dating someone new during or before the elation phase and go through a love stage with that person. That’s how they unintentionally delay their relief/elation stage and continue to look happy and unrecognizable for another two or three months.

New relationships can be very empowering for dumpers as they make them feel loved, validated, and infatuated. They often create such strong emotions for them that they make dumpers fall in love with people totally opposite of their exes.

Their new partners are not only different, but they also match the descriptions of the types of people dumpers previously stated they would never date.

So what gives? Why do people say one thing but do another?

It’s because in relationships, people often focus on their partner’s qualities and find differences unappealing. They like who their partner is and say they’re looking for those exact qualities in their romantic partners.

After the breakup, though, that usually changes. Dumpers disassociate from their ex and no longer find the same qualities, appearance, behaviors, professions, possessions, values, humor, and direction in life attractive. Suddenly, they’re open to dating different types of people.

Oftentimes, different types of people include friends, coworkers, and random people they previously found ugly, boring, stupid, or strange.

This makes dumpees think that their exes are deceitful and inconsistent, while actually, their exes simply adapted their thoughts and actions based on the person they’re with.

If they’re with a physically strong person, they may look down on scrawny people and find thinness unappealing. But if their partner is slender, they may view heavily built people as showoffs who spend too much time at the gym.

I’ve seen people change their likes and dislikes more times than I can count. Even my exes would go back on their word and date the types of men they disapproved of while they were with me.

This doesn’t mean they lied to me, but rather that one of the people who expressed interest in them turned out to be someone they wouldn’t have dated previously.

Now that I think about it, I had a similar experience. I had thought that certain types of women weren’t my type because they all looked the same. But now that I’m with this type of woman, I no longer think that way. I see how wrong I was and that people’s dating preferences may change over time.

People tend to be attracted to qualities similar to those of their partner. But after a breakup, they often become accepting of a wider range of qualities, even those they previously disdained.

The point I’m trying to make is that people in relationships tend to change their beliefs, align with their partner’s opinions, and enjoy the same things as their partner. They are so intimately connected to their partner that their lives become intertwined.

And that’s how it should be. Couples should share the same goals and have compatible communication styles.

Things get scary after the breakup because dumpers change their demeanor and force dumpees to watch dumpers turn into people they were prior to meeting them. If they were developed, dumpers typically give dumpees closure and refrain from saying or doing hurtful things.

But if they lacked maturity, they tend to show dumpees how they treat people they feel angry with and don’t need in their lives anymore.

Most dumpers sadly don’t see a reason to worry about their ex-partner after the breakup because they don’t have to impress their ex anymore.

They know they can’t lose anything, so they show their true colors and stop caring about the morals, behaviors, and lessons their ex tried to inculcate in them.

That means dumpers change into different people because they become themselves again and don’t want anything to do with their ex. They want to be left alone and heal in whichever way they need to.

You’ve probably noticed that in a relationship with your ex, you and your ex became somewhat alike. You liked similar things, joked similarly, talked similarly, believed in similar things, and wanted similar things out of life. This happened because of a process known as convergence.

Due to a strong connection, you grew closer and lost some individuality in the process. This was expected and healthy as long as neither of you neglected yourselves and overprioritized the relationship.

The issue you’re dealing with is that the breakup stopped your ex from continuing to be the person he was because of you. Your ex could no longer pretend to be someone he wasn’t, so your ex ignored all the promises he made and reverted to the person you never knew.

You never got to know your ex’s worst traits because you got infatuated with him shortly after meeting him and never put him in a situation where he disassociated from you and didn’t need you in his life anymore.

You only got to see your ex’s true personality after he or she has left you because your ex stopped caring about how he appeared to you.

In this article, we delve into the phenomenon of a former significant other transforming into a completely different person after a breakup. We explore the reasons behind this change and what it can mean for those who have experienced it.

My ex-boyfriend has changed into a different person

If your ex-boyfriend has changed into a different person, this didn’t happen because you were a bad partner. You may have pushed your ex a bit too much (begged or annoyed your ex), but that didn’t excuse your ex’s bad behavior and indicate you deserved to get punished.

Your ex’s actions and inactions showed who your ex is (not who you are) as they made it clear your ex is incapable of treating people fairly.

So don’t ever think that your ex turned into a mean person because you forced him to defend himself and treat you poorly. Your ex may find you very persistent and obnoxious, but that wouldn’t be a problem if your ex had the emotional intelligence necessary for putting himself in your shoes and understanding your feelings.

Sadly, angry and impatient exes aren’t able to identify the source of their anger. They’re convinced that dumpees are at fault for making them feel uncomfortable and that they have the right to say and do what they want.

Such exes are years behind in personal growth and may never develop a sense of personal responsibility that would allow them to see the importance of helping their exes and anxious people.

You’ve got to remember that your ex merely changed back to the person he or she has always been. He’s not a victim or someone who became a completely different person around the time of the breakup.

The reason you’re noticing your ex’s capabilities only now is that up until the breakup, your ex’s interests aligned with yours and prevented your ex from reacting in negative ways. Your ex was on the same page with you and wanted the best for you.

Therefore, your ex changed only because his loyalty and feelings for you changed. He stopped valuing you, so he naturally began to crave alone time and decided to get rid of you as fast as he could.

This was his way of dealing with a situation he lacked the EQ to handle maturely.

So you can pretend that your ex has changed after the breakup and blame yourself for it. Or you can consider the possibility that your ex has always been capable of being the way he was but that he never had a reason to be. As long as your ex was with you, your ex was happy and comfortable.

But when the breakup ensued, your ex broke free and embraced his newfound happiness and freedom as if he had been forced to stay with you.

Whatever you do, don’t take your ex’s behavioral changes personally. Try to remember that your ex is merely following his instincts because he’s relieved and doesn’t see the need to stop and think about how his behavior affects you.

Grownups seldom change into different people. Yes, they mature, sharpen their skills and improve a bit over the years, but they certainly don’t become totally different people in a matter of days, weeks, or months.

Most people evolve with years of time and experience. Dumpers typically grow when they’re hurt and have no choice but to make some positive changes.

So don’t think that your ex-boyfriend has changed into a different person just by dumping you and feeling relieved and excited. Relief and excitement are short-lasting emotions that vanish shortly after the breakup. They don’t have the capability of permanently transforming your ex into a different person.

What you’re seeing in your ex is a temporary moment of empowerment. Don’t confuse that with a permanent change. If you do, you could think that your dumper ex has actually changed and that you’re missing out on someone amazing and capable of significant growth.

That said, here are 6 reasons why your ex turned into a different person.

How do exes change after the breakup?

Dumpers appear different in many ways.

Some dumpers treat their exes badly during and after the breakup whereas other dumpers appear happy and different.

Every dumper makes use of relief and elation differently. But generally speaking, most dumpers appear different because they feel that the breakup freed them and enabled them to care only about themselves.

This doesn’t mean that they’ve improved as people but rather that they’ve regressed and failed to make any significant discoveries and changes. Happiness and relief, sadly don’t make dumpers reflect and change for the better.

They make them stay exactly as they are maturity-wise as they tell them to focus on non-relationship things.

Some of the things dumpers focus on include:

• blaming their ex for breaking up (justifying the breakup, avoiding responsibility, self-empowerment)
• pursuing new romantic relationships (infatuation and self-empowerment)
• spending more time with friends and focusing on hobbies (distraction)
• getting busier at work and aiming for promotions (focusing on things they need or are good at)
• running away from stressors and problems they need to work on (avoiding hard work and making changes in their life)

These things have nothing to do with becoming better or different people. The only thing they do is that they keep dumpers busy and focused on things that are the easiest for them to focus on.

Their past issues that define their happiness and success in relationships don’t go anywhere. Most of the time, they continue to negatively impact their future relationships.

So bear in mind that the things dumpers concentrate on after the breakup (the superficial things) merely appear to better their lives. They don’t actually encourage them to make positive changes (the changes they really need to make).

I learned this through my own experiences with past partners. It took me a while to see things clearly, but when I finally did, I realized that leaving past relationships didn’t help me address my own flaws as I often blamed my exes or convinced myself that our incompatibility was the issue.

Whether that was true or not didn’t matter. I was certain the relationship needed to end and that there was someone better for me out there.

So bear in mind that any changes in your ex-boyfriend’s life are temporary and that his newfound relief brings him a sense of empowerment.

What should you do if your ex-boyfriend appears different?

When your ex-boyfriend changes into a different person, the very first thing you should do is ask yourself why this has happened.

Did your ex feel smothered, impatient, angry, and interested in someone else at the end of the relationship and found it hard to focus on things or people he wanted to focus on?

This could explain why your ex-boyfriend felt pressured, cut ties with you, and showed no regard or consideration after the relationship has ended.

An ex who lost interest in you may have also lost interest in you as a friend as he wants to put his emotions first and doesn’t see the need to keep in touch with you at the moment. Either that or he understands that you need time to heal and that leaving you alone is the best thing for everyone’s sake.

If you’re concerned that your ex’s life has improved after the breakup and that you were the problem because your ex is posting a lot of happy pictures online, remember that social media only shows a curated perspective. For all you know, your ex could be dealing with a lot of stressors and doing a great job at hiding them from you.

Don’t convince yourself that he’s a changed man and that you’re going to stay miserable. That would be a very pessimistic way of looking at life.

Instead of making yourself feel miserable on purpose, remember that often, the most flashy individuals are the least content as they constantly seek validation from those around them. They merely portray themselves as happy people to appear better and feel better.

With that said, if you feel that your ex has changed into a different person, don’t call him out on it. Confronting your ex and pointing your observations out to him is a major turn-off because it shows you’re watching him like a hawk when you should be focusing on yourself.

Your ex simply mustn’t know that you’re obsessed with him and want to get back together. If he knows you’ve put him on a pedestal and feels you have romantic expectations of him, he could feel overwhelmed and run for the hills.

As a dumpee, your objective is to redirect focus away from your ex and allow him to come to you.

My dumpee ex-boyfriend has changed into a different person

Dumpees are much more likely to improve their lives post-breakup. Dumpees feel rejected and hurt, so they initially work on themselves with the intention to impress the person who left them. Their goal is to make their ex see that they’ve changed and that they can add value to the relationship.

Unlike dumpers who act on their relief, dumpees act on anxiety and desperation. They’re very eager to achieve positive results, so they often analyze the relationship/breakup obsessively, sign up for therapy, journal their thoughts, emotions, and observations, and take some time for themselves before they move on to someone else.

Dumpees can’t move on as quickly as dumpers can no matter how they try, so they constantly relive the breakup and regret some of their words and actions. They blame themselves for the end of the relationship and by doing so, make a lot of personal changes.

Nothing helps people (dumpers or dumpees) improve themselves better than anxiety, pain, and regrets. And dumpees (being masters of self-blame) have plenty of them. That’s why they grow as people and find more success in their next relationships.

So if your dumpee ex-boyfriend has changed into a different person, you probably mean that your ex is more self-aware and mature. He’s learned to control his emotions and doesn’t rely on you and others emotionally, physically, or financially.

You should be happy that he’s made so many positive changes and should stay out of his way unless you regret leaving him and want him back. He might still have (some) feelings for you and could get confused if you try to befriend him all of a sudden.

Did your ex-boyfriend change into a different person? Does that bother you? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you want our help with your breakup, visit our coaching page to learn more about our services.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.