My Ex Apologized, Does He Want Me Back?

When your ex apologizes but doesn’t ask to see you or get back with you, it’s unlikely that your ex wants you back. Your ex probably just wants you to know that he regrets destroying your plans, wasting your time, and hurting you. Your ex wishes that the manner in which he left didn’t hurt you and made it difficult for you to accept the situation.

Because it did and your ex feels bad, your ex now wants to apologize and accomplish one of two things.

1. See that you forgive him.
2. Or see that you’re doing okay.

That would allow your ex to stop worrying about you and his behavior and enable him to focus on other things. Things that bring your ex joy and distract him from the past.

The reason your ex apologized is that your ex wasn’t happy about how he treated you and the problems he caused you. At the time of the breakup, your ex probably lacked patience and sympathy and thought it was perfectly reasonable to act on negative breakup emotions.

But as time went by, your ex stopped feeling pressured by you (especially if you went no contact) and began to ruminate over the breakup. That was when your ex soon realized that some of the things he said or did may have offended you, hurt you, inconvenienced you, and made your moving-on process harder for you than it needed to be.

The only way to find out how you were doing was to reach out and apologize for acting impulsively. Your response (whether it was good or bad) was enough for your ex to forgive himself for hurting you. This is because your ex needed to apologize for himself (not you). Your ex had to get it out of his system as it hed probably been weighing on him for a while.

Your ex didn’t need anything else. The apology was enough because it worked like a religious confession. It let your ex express regret to the person he harmed and by doing so, allowed himself to let go of guilt.

Bear in mind that a guilt-ridden dumper wants to either be forgiven for causing pain or just wants to express guilt. Either way, he or she wants you to hear and acknowledge his or her apology. This alleviates his or her guilty conscience and enables the dumper to move on from the past.

A confession is the last thing the dumper needs to let go of the past and forgive himself. Once the dumper has forgiven himself, he doesn’t need the dumpee anymore as the dumpee has helped him close that chapter of his life and allowed him to look forward to new adventures.

So if your ex apologized and you’re wondering if he wants you back, know that an apology without an immediate request to meet up/get back together doesn’t mean much. All it means is that your ex reached out for himself (to apologize and be forgiven) and to give himself a chance to move on.

An apology alone is just an apology. It’s meant for your ex to feel better rather than to reconcile and work on the relationship. Dumpees often get this wrong. That’s why they get hopeful and suffer immensely. 

Always remember that an ex who loves you won’t just apologize and leave afterward. He won’t confuse you and make you wonder if he wants you back. A guy who loves you will take the initiative because he’ll want an investment from you. He’ll want your love, reassurance, commitment, and the things couples need to feel fulfilled and needed.

If your ex didn’t show any desire to reconnect emotionally, it’s clear that your ex doesn’t want you back. Your ex wants something else from you. Something that enables him to clear his guilty conscience and date other people.

You need to keep that in mind so you don’t think your ex apologized just to work on the relationship. According to Gary Chapman’s The Five Languages of Apology, there are, well, 5 languages or types of apologies. 

Here they are:

• Expressing regret
• Accepting responsibility
• Making restitution
• Genuinely repenting
• Requesting forgiveness

If your ex didn’t steer the conversation in the direction of getting back together, your ex’s apology probably doesn’t mean much and help you much.

It might help to know that your ex regrets certain things, but it won’t help with the reconciliation process as your ex won’t slowly process things and fall back in love. There is no such thing as a slow reconciliation. Dumpers who take it slowly tend to give up very quickly (in a week or two).

They don’t feel the need to work on things, so they get tired and leave again.

That’s why it’s much more likely that a relationship with your ex will work if he realizes your worth and comes back quickly. A quick reconciliation typically means determination, romantic cravings, separation anxiety, fear, and pain. These are the things a dumper needs to feel and act on before he can give a relationship another shot.

So don’t think of your ex’s apology as the first step to getting back together. Think of it as the last thing the dumper needs to move on.

That is unless your ex immediately suggests meeting up and getting back together. In that case, your ex wants to give and receive love and stop feeling anxious and hurt.

In today’s article, we talk about why your ex apologized and whether he wants you back.

Why did my ex apologize?

If your ex apologized, you should try to figure out what exactly your ex feels sorry for. If your ex just apologized vaguely by saying “Sorry about all this,” your ex doesn’t take responsibility and doesn’t regret anything in particular. Your ex just feels sorry for dumping you and causing you pain.

That means your ex isn’t working on improving himself and trying to correct his mistakes.

Mistakes take genuine regret to fix. Your ex would have to regret certain thoughts, words, and actions before he could start working on them. And an ex who says “sorry” or “sorry it had to end like that” doesn’t regret much other than destroying your relationship plans and making things difficult for you. He doesn’t feel awful and is going to make the same mistakes in the future.

Such an ex obviously doesn’t need much from you. He probably doesn’t even need you to forgive him. He probably reached out just to check up on you and focus on things that his guilty conscience is preventing him from focusing on. 

However, if your ex apologized for behaving in certain ways and appeared genuinely sorry for mistreating you, then he probably feels bad for you and wants to make some changes in his life. He may not be super eager to grow, but at least he understands his flaws and knows he has things to work on.

The reason he reached out was to express guilt and deal with it.

You should probably forgive your guilty ex so he doesn’t keep reaching out. Forgiveness will give him the reassurance he’s looking for and let him leave you alone (at least for a while). If you don’t forgive your ex and wish your ex unhappiness, your ex won’t necessarily blame himself and struggle to move on.

On the contrary, your ex will probably switch to plan B.

Plan B entails relying on himself for forgiveness.

In that case, your ex will worsen his perception of you to the point that the act of expressing guilt will be enough for him to move on. Either that or your ex will justify his reasons for being mean and uncaring to you by convincing himself that you’d asked for it.

Dumpers who don’t want their ex back think the breakup needed to happen. They see their ex as the culprit and stop feeling guilty when they convince themselves their ex deserved what he got.

So bear in mind that the best way to deal with an apology from your ex is to understand why he apologized and tell him he’s fine. He’ll leave you alone quicker and make you feel less anxious if you forgive him on the spot and allow him to clear his guilty conscience. 

Holding your ex hostage by preventing him from assuaging guilt won’t do you any good. It will probably anger your ex and make your ex forgive himself by destroying his opinion of you.  

It’s obvious that your ex apologized to get something out of you. It’s probably forgiveness, but it could also be a favor, friendship, sex, support, money, or something you used to give in the past. Your ex wants to get it to be happier and move on quicker.

With that said, here are the most common reasons why your ex apologized after breaking up with you.

Ways to determine if your ex wants you back after an apology

If your ex apologized and you can’t stop thinking if he wants you back, you need to know that there’s a very easy way to determine if your ex wants you back. You just need to wait and see what your ex does next. If your ex gives you power, compliments you, expresses love, and wants as much of your time, affection, and validation as possible, your ex clearly has romantic expectations of you.

Your ex wants to give and receive love and get back together with you. A regretful ex is emotional and can’t stand being away from you. Hence such an ex will want to see you right away. The sooner the better for him.

On the other hand, if your ex just wants to apologize and doesn’t want you back, your ex will appear friendly (probably talkative) and act as if the breakup never happened. Your ex will want to catch up, chitchat about random things, and show no urgency to get back together.

That will be your proof that your ex had ulterior motives and that your ex’s motives don’t concern you and can’t help you mend your broken heart.

Discovering your ex’s opinion and feelings for you can be a bit tricky when you’re anxious and highly emotional, but if you do your best to look at your ex’s behavior objectively, you should quickly see if your ex is trying to impress you and commit to you.

That’s because a regretful ex will be anxious and highly motivated to reconcile with you. He’ll do everything in his power to keep talking to you and creating an opportunity to confess his feelings to you. 

If you have a hard time understanding why your ex reached out, ask your ex. Tell him you’d like to know why he contacted you and why he feels bad. Your ex’s response will allow you to quickly determine whether your ex’s reasons for reaching out have something to do with guilt, love, or something else.

Once you’ve learned why your ex reached out, you can then respond accordingly. You can keep talking to your ex and wait for him to bring up reconciliation. Or you can tell your ex you forgive him and that you need more space to process things (if you’re not over your ex or are with someone else).

You don’t need to keep talking to your ex if you still have feelings for your ex. Talking will make you more attached and dependent on your ex. And it will all be for nothing because it won’t make your ex regret leaving you and want to be with you.

If your ex apologized and didn’t ask to get back together, your ex doesn’t want to get back together, period. Your ex just wants to be on good terms and perhaps keep you in his life as a friend, occasional friend, friend with benefits, or someone who uses you for validation, comfort, and support.

You shouldn’t agree to such terms if you’re not emotionally ready for their consequences. Settling for anything other than a relationship will keep you emotionally hooked on your ex and prevent you from finding happiness within. It will make you much more obsessed with your ex than you already are.

Remember that your main goal as a dumpee is to get over your ex, not more attached to your ex. You should strive to detach from your ex by staying away from your ex and keeping your reconciliation hope low. 

You won’t regain control of your emotions if you let your ex reach out whenever he wants and say whatever he wants. There need to be certain boundaries your ex can’t cross. And you’re responsible for setting and maintaining those boundaries.

Do that by communicating about your wants and needs and explaining that you don’t want to stay in touch.

Did your ex apologize and make you wonder if he wants you back? Did that give you hope? Post your thoughts and feelings below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.