My Boyfriend’s Ex-Wife Controls Him

Ex-partners shouldn’t dictate each other’s lives. They shouldn’t have a say in each other’s lives unless they have kids together or some other mutual obligation they’re both responsible for. They should both mind their own business, let each other date other people if they want to, and not lose their cool even if they disagree with each other’s behavior.

When unaware or abusive exes cross the boundaries, their controlled ex should immediately let them know they’re being intrusive and controlling and stop them from meddling with his or her post-breakup life. The controlled person should let his or her ex know that things have gotten out of hand and that it’s time to live life the way he or she wants to live it.

Failure to stand up for him/herself will likely result in a huge power struggle and unhappiness on both sides. That’s because the controlled person will keep getting manipulated into doing unwanted things, letting the abuser of power keep wanting more and more control. Eventually, they’ll both become miserable and argue over things they should no longer argue about.

They’re exes for a reason. They broke up due to a lack of willingness or ability to resolve relationship matters, so there’s no point in staying close to each other after the breakup. Since they both function differently and want different things in life (or get them in different ways), friendship would be difficult if not impossible to maintain.

Most people struggle to be friends and give up on it eventually. They see that staying close to their ex is unfulfilling and that they can find happiness somewhere else much easier.

So if your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls your boyfriend and doesn’t let him move on and be happy, bear in mind that she doesn’t have his best interests at heart. She’s merely looking out for herself and getting the most out of her ex.

Since her ex hasn’t set any healthy post-breakup boundaries, she doesn’t see the need to stop controlling her ex.

Stopping it would be a loss for her as she’d need to do things herself or find someone else to do the hard work for her. Hence, she continues using your boyfriend for her wants and needs and gets the best of both worlds (a friendship without commitment). This type of relationship enables her to feel fulfilled in some ways and unfulfilled in others.

As long as her ex does what she wants, she can behave normally and refrain from causing him any trouble. The guy can make her happy and get something from her as well. What he gets is hard to say, but it’s possible that he gets reassurance, friendship, support, or hope (for reconciliation).

It’s not common for people to be controlled by a former spouse after the breakup. Some people indeed settle for friendship, but they don’t do everything their ex says. Not unless they were dumped by their ex and want to impress their ex (get back together). Such exes date others just to avoid feeling abandoned, unworthy, and lonely.

They want someone by their side while they patiently work on reattracting their ex.

You need to make sure your boyfriend wasn’t dumped recently and that he’s not using you. If he’s with you just to fill the void in his life, he’ll leave when he feels stressed/unfulfilled or when he thinks that his ex is coming back to him. That would make you feel used and replaced and trigger your worst fears.

Both your boyfriend and his ex-wife are responsible for the mess they’re in. Your boyfriend is responsible because he doesn’t respect your feelings, say no to her, and cut her off. And she’s responsible because she expects him to act like a friend and do her bidding.

They should both understand their roles as ex-partners and allow each other to move on and find happiness without each other.

Your boyfriend is probably at fault more because he’s tolerating his ex-wife’s behavior and not understanding or caring how you feel. He’s probably helping her out because he’s scared of offending her or losing her. Whichever it is, he’s acting on (negative) emotions and ignoring your feelings.

If this continues, you’ll feel neglected and wonder where you stand with your boyfriend. Slowly, you’ll become anxious and say or do things that make you look insecure and demanding.

So don’t settle for your boyfriend’s post-breakup friendship with his ex. You don’t have to be okay with it if it doesn’t make you feel good. You’re not being unreasonable for wanting his ex out of his life. Your feelings and expectations are perfectly normal and healthy. Your ex may not agree with it, but he has to see the situation from your perspective and do something about it.

The sooner he empathizes with you, the sooner he can make some tough calls. Calls that push his ex away and bring you closer to him.

Clearly, it’s hard for him to stop talking to his ex and not doing what she wants him to do. A part of him still respects and wants his ex around. He may do the right thing (get rid of her) when he understands how you feel and wants to avoid hurting you further.

In this post, we discuss why your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls him and what you can do to stop her from doing that.

Why does my boyfriend’s ex-wife control him?

The reason your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls your boyfriend is that 1)she’s allowed to control him and 2)gets something out of it. She gets friendship and relationship benefits even though she’s not his significant other anymore. She’s merely acting like one so she can continue to benefit from him.

Simply put, the guy makes her life easier, so she’s happy to keep him around as her errand boy and go-to person. He also treats the breakup passively and doesn’t do anything to keep his ex-wife away from him. He’s okay with communication and perhaps even hanging out and spending money on her.

He may be doing that because he thinks his ex-wife needs help or because he’s scared that she’ll react strongly (negatively) if he doesn’t help her out.

This shows he lacks self-awareness, empathy, emotional strength, or priorities in life. The guy is treating his ex like a friend when he should be leaving the past behind and letting her find help elsewhere. There is simply no need for him to keep talking to his ex-wife after breaking up unless they have to communicate about work, kids, mortgage, loans, shared vehicles, personal belongings, or something they both need to know about.

Their goal should be to disconnect from each other and rely on themselves and others (anyone but each other). They should quit treating each other like they’re taking a short break and that they might get back together in the future.

I don’t know what your boyfriend’s ex-wife is expecting from the guy, but if she’s controlling him, she’s probably doing that because she has high expectations of him (doesn’t respect his boundaries) or because she’s insecure and doesn’t want him to move on and be happy (with you).

She may no longer be with him romantically, but she could still be possessive (insecure) and have difficulty accepting that her ex may be happier without her. If that’s the case, she might consider the breakup a competition and doesn’t want to let go of her ex-husband due to the fear of being replaced and left behind.

Her insecurities may essentially be preventing her from feeling comfortable with who she is and how far she’s come in life. Insecurities could be the reason she’s clinging to your boyfriend and controlling his words and actions rather than letting your boyfriend be who he wants to be.

Controlling behavior typically stems from insecurities and a lack of emotional intelligence. It’s further magnified by others’ (romantic) success and behaviors that indicate letting go and moving on.

Hence, she may be jealous of you and fear that you’ll do a better job than her.

If she doesn’t care about you or doesn’t know you exist, then she simply hasn’t learned to let go of things or people. She probably has a high ego and lacks the ability to accept people’s actions and inactions. She’ll probably have to learn that the world doesn’t bend to her will the hard way – by getting hurt and realizing that lacks power over people.

So bear in mind that your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls your boyfriend because they both get something out of it or avoid feeling something because of it. They get reassurance and various relationship/friendship benefits and avoid negative reactions, jealousy, envy, and fear.

Controlling behavior gives his wife a sense of control and power and your boyfriend a sense of safety. He feels that by doing what she wants, he can avoid her tantrums and seeing her hurt.

With that said, here’s why your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls him.

If his ex-wife feels hurt and victimized, she wants him to give her a strong reaction and validate/empower her. She wants your boyfriend to pay for his relationship mistakes and give her various relationship benefits. By making him work hard to make her happy, she assumes control of his thoughts, emotions, and actions—and feels good about her ability to control him.

Not all exes want to control their previous partners (especially when their partners are in a new relationship). But those who do usually have unresolved childhood issues and need to learn where their cravings for control come from. Once they’ve figured it out, they must work on themselves and let their exes be happy without them.

Some people also convince themselves that friendship with an ex is totally normal. Dumpers feel bad for their ex and want to string their ex along to not feel so guilty whereas dumpees want their ex in their lives for validation purposes.

Some things exes often want after the breakup are:

• friendship
• attention
• (sexual) favors
• emotional support
• validation
• forgiveness
• love

How to stop your boyfriend from being controlled by his ex-wife?

If you want your boyfriend’s wife to stop controlling your boyfriend, you have to convince him that he shouldn’t be talking to his ex. He should be leaving her alone (and she him) unless they have urgent matters to attend to. Matters that they can’t or shouldn’t resolve without each other.

You must never force a guy to do what he doesn’t want to do.

Guys hate being told they’re weak/unfaithful and that they shouldn’t talk to other girls. Such demands make them feel emasculated and cause them to believe your insecurities are your problems. When they’re convinced you’re the one with issues, they feel even less determined to stop talking to others and helping you feel better.

Besides, your boyfriend may already know that his ex is controlling him. He knows his ex is asking for things she shouldn’t be asking. But because he lacks the willpower to stop talking to her, he keeps tending to her wants and needs anyway. He can’t stop interacting with her because she gives him a feeling of familiarity, reliability, and safety.

So instead of telling your boyfriend you’re unhappy with his behavior, find a good time and place to talk and tell him you feel hurt when he talks to his ex and does things for her. Avoid using words like “You make me, you always, you don’t care.” Replace them with “I feel hurt, I get sad, I cry when you…”

It should make the guy see that his actions are hurting you and that you aren’t blaming him directly. Your way of expressing pain and discontent is extremely important. The less direct you are at accusing the guy of disrespecting and disregarding your feelings, the bigger the chance that he’ll empathize with you and want to do something about it.

Many guys are terrible at communicating wants, needs, and emotions and dislike being blamed. The moment their partner says they’re doing badly at something, they get their egos bruised and become defensive. It’s impossible to reach a compromise with them because they feel attacked and ready to fight back.

So choose your words wisely. Show your boyfriend that you want to get to know him better and that you’re not telling him what to do. You’re merely trying to get your point across and making him see that staying in touch with ex-partners (especially controlling ones) is bad for the growth of the new relationship.

Try to make your boyfriend see that you’re in pain and that all you’re looking for is for him to care about you and prioritize you. If he cares about you more than his reasons for keeping his ex in his life, he’ll distance himself from his ex and focus on you. But if he doesn’t care about you as much as he cares about his ex and the strange relationship he has with her, he’ll get angry and fight with you.

If you’re not happy with him ignoring your needs, talking to his ex, and his ex influencing him, you should let him go. He’s not the right guy for you because he can’t put himself in your shoes and cut off people from the past. My advice is to be with him only if he’s willing to compromise and make you a priority.

There’s no room for ex-wives in romantic relationships. There’s room only for two romantic partners.

Whatever you do, don’t contact his ex-wife yourself. This is between your partner and her. He’s the one keeping her around and getting bossed around by her, so naturally, he should do something about it. If he can’t tell her to stop bothering him, he probably doesn’t want her to stop and is attached to her. He’ll let her control him for months to come.

You can’t stick around and put yourself between them. Not if you care about your health and well-being.

So if your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls him and it’s bothering you, talk to your boyfriend as quickly as possible. Let him know how it makes you feel and that you’ve decided to tell him because you care about him and the relationship. Try to make it his idea that keeping his ex around is unhealthy and wrong.

It’s especially wrong when someone abuses power and takes control by force.

So figure out what to do with your boyfriend. After talking to him about his controlling ex-wife, determine if he’s willing to end or at least change their relationship. If he is, you may be able to work on things and get along better. But if he isn’t, then breaking up may be the only option. It’s better to break up than to constantly watch him converse with his controlling ex-wife.

Does your boyfriend’s ex-wife control him? What is she saying or doing to him? Comment below and let us know.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.