My Boyfriend Won’t Cut Ties With His Ex

When your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex, it’s obvious that the guy has an emotional connection with his ex. That connection may not necessarily be romantic or sexual, but it’s a connection that proves he likes his ex and enjoys her company. He respects the girl and wants to keep her in his life because she empowers him and makes him feel good.

If your boyfriend were to get rid of the girl just because you tell him to, he’d feel that you’re controlling him and being selfish and that you don’t care if he’s happy or not.

When a guy thinks that way, you need to understand that he feels hurt and victimized and that it’s very hard for him to put himself in your shoes. He can’t do it because he’s in too much pain and feels angry. And because he feels angry and disrespected, he’s unreceptive to your ideas and considers your behavior to be demanding.

This means that the only way your boyfriend will cut ties with his ex is if you somehow make him understand how it makes you feel when he talks to his ex.

If he’s developed empathy and sympathy, you should be able to help him see that you’re hurting and encourage him to do something about it. But if he doesn’t know or care that you’re hurting, then you’ll have to do something else. You’ll have to resort to plan b. Plan b entails forcing your boyfriend to stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend by telling him it’s you or his ex.

Giving an ultimatum to a person you love is the worst thing you can do as it shows that you’re willing to walk away. But when a guy isn’t open to compromise and doesn’t care or see that he’s hurting you, saying you’re about to walk away (and mean it) can hurt him and make him see how you feel.

It can take his power, anger, and ego away and give him the motivation to fight for you and the relationship.

Sometimes there’s no other way to tell an immature, oblivious boyfriend that he’s hurting you than to show him that you’re against him talking to his ex while he’s in a relationship with you.

So if your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex, know that there are five ways you can handle this matter.

You can talk to your boyfriend about it nicely (when he’s receptive to you) and hope and hope that he understands your concerns. You can compromise and try to meet him halfway. You can give him an ultimatum and shock him into treating you better. You can get used to him talking to his ex-girlfriend and hope that he matures with time. Or you can leave the relationship and let him have it his way.

The choice is yours, but if you decide to leave, you should probably at least try to communicate your wants and needs in a non-demanding manner and see if there’s any hope left for your boyfriend.

Why won’t my boyfriend cut ties with his ex?

If your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex-girlfriend, it doesn’t mean that she’s more important than you and that something’s going on behind your back. Your fears might be telling you that he’s being sneaky, but what it really means is that he doesn’t want to stop talking to his ex because they’ve developed a bond -a friendship.

They don’t want to throw away that friendship because they’ve spent months or years developing it and feel connected.

You must understand that they got used to having each other in their lives and that they became friends or best friends. They rely on each other and as a result, find it extremely hard and unnecessary to cut all ties with each other.

To you, this doesn’t make sense because you know they used to be intimate with each other and fear that they might still think fondly of each other or feel certain emotions. Whether this is true really depends on their attachment and love for each other.

Do they both agree that their relationship is over forever and that they must respect each other’s boundaries? This is something they need to talk about if they haven’t already. They must understand where to cross the line and learn how to support each other without causing problems for their new partners.

For most people, friendship with an ex just doesn’t work. There are too many hurt feelings and/or too much bad blood that prevents them from downgrading a romantic relationship to a mere friendship.

More often than not, they can’t do it because breakups take a lot of time to get over. On average, they take 8 months but can take twice or thrice as long if the relationship was long-term or if someone was codependent.

There are also ex-couples who get back together after dating other people. Such ex-couples develop feelings for each other after failing romantically with others and discover that their relationship deserves another chance.

People can get confused by someone they used to be emotionally close to and fall back in love with him or her. And that’s something you’re afraid of. You hate the uncertainty and the possibility of getting cheated on by the person you love and trust the most.

If infidelity is what you fear more than anything, know that you’re not asking for much. You just want to stop feeling jealous and anxious and be the only woman your boyfriend connects with. That means you have a problem that needs to be resolved.

You both see things differently and clash when it comes to finding a solution.

Your boyfriend thinks of his friendship with the ex as a polite gesture whereas you see it as a red flag that could break your relationship.

It’s hard for both parties involved because you’re emotional and your boyfriend rational. To fix this issue, you must both see things from each others’ viewpoints and find a solution that works for both of you.

With that said, here are 5 reasons why your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex-girlfriend.

Try to solve the problem the nice way first

Before you get fed up and give your boyfriend an ultimatum, try to resolve this issue the nice way. Give it another go even if you tried being nice and failed badly.

Talking about this sensitive subject is all about the timing and the approach. For example, if you talk to your boyfriend when he expects you to get jealous, you’ll have a significantly smaller chance of convincing him that he’s in the wrong.

And that’s because he’ll be on the defense from the beginning and reject all your thoughts and ideas.

So instead of bringing up this issue the moment you catch him talking to his ex, put up with it for the time being and open up to him when he’s happy and relaxed. Address the issue in a way that prepares him for a difficult conversation and assures him you have his best interests at heart.

If you’re not sure how to do that, Dale Carnegie’s advice’s advice might be able to help you with this.

In the book, How To Win Friends And Influence People, Dale wrote, “Begin with praise and honest appreciation.” He suggested that you should tell your boyfriend that you’re grateful to him for being patient with you recently—and that it makes you happy because you know you haven’t been your best self.

These words will make your boyfriend feel understood and appreciated and encourage him to open up to constructive criticism.

When it’s evident that your boyfriend is ready to listen, it’s time to take it to the next step. Say that you want the absolute best for him, but that something’s been on your mind and that you’d like to understand his point of view.

Say that it’s a sensitive subject but that you’ve been wondering why he enjoys talking to his ex so much. After hearing his answer, proceed by telling him that it hurts you very much when he talks to his ex because it constantly reminds you that he’s been intimate with her.

You can be honest and say that you’re jealous and that it’s not a good feeling.

If your boyfriend acknowledges your pain and apologizes, wait and see if he wants to stop talking to his ex and focus completely on you. He should be able to do that if he loves you and truly cares about you. He’ll bring it up himself.

Meet each other halfway

If you can’t talk to your boyfriend and get him to understand your side of the story, then you should know that your boyfriend is way too committed to his ex-girlfriend and won’t let go of her no matter how good your approach is.

He’ll probably insist that she’s a good friend of his and tell you to accept it.

In that case, you’ll have to try to meet your boyfriend halfway and find a solution that you can both work with. You’ll have to overcome your fears and anxiety, accept that she’s just a friend, and devise a plan on how your boyfriend can be transparent with you.

Whether you have trust issues or not, I suggest that you inquire if he’d be willing to talk to his ex-girlfriend at specific times (when you’re around) and if he’s happy to show you their conversations.

Upon hearing his reply, also ask if he can stop/not meet up with the girl in person.

As his new girlfriend, you’re probably aware of the risk that they could redevelop feelings for each other months down the road and cheat on you. But just like your boyfriend says, you must trust him. You must give him the benefit of the doubt even though he’s giving you reasons not to trust him.

It takes courage and blind faith to do that, but that’s what relationships require. Nobody can guarantee that he won’t cheat on you and that he’ll stay with you forever, but if you communicate efficiently and tell each other everything, the chances of something going wrong are much lower than if you were to hide things and argue a lot.

The better your communication is and the better you get along, the more successful your relationship will be for years to come.

That’s why you and your boyfriend need to master communication, improve perceptions of each other, and do your best to meet each other halfway. You may not like that he still talks to his ex, but if you’re meant for each other, you might be able to find ways to agree with each other and both get what you want.

Give him an ultimatum

If meeting your boyfriend halfway doesn’t work, then you can probably try shocking your boyfriend into caring about you. It’s not the ideal method of making someone care about you, but if talking about it doesn’t work, then you have to make your boyfriend afraid of losing you.

Fear can cause your boyfriend to take you seriously and force him to become self-aware. So give him an ultimatum and see how he responds.

If he wants to be with you and puts you above others, rest assured that he’ll choose you over his ex and any friend. As a disclaimer, I’m not saying you should use the ultimatum as a means of manipulation. But if you’re not happy with the relationship situation and the guy doesn’t want to do anything about it, the ultimatum can make him afraid of losing you and force him to care about you.

It can be the solution you’ve been looking for all this time.

However, if your boyfriend doesn’t care about you as much as he should and has doubts, then know that the ultimatum can backfire on you. It can make your boyfriend angry and cause him to break up with you/tell you to leave.

My advice is to use the ultimatum only when your boyfriend lacks maturity, self-awareness, and love for you.

Once you’ve given him the ultimatum, there’s no going back. You need to get through with the plan because your boyfriend won’t respect you if you go back on your word. He’ll probably see that you lack power and use your lack of power against you.

Get used to him talking to his ex

If your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex, you could try to adapt to his lifestyle and do your best to think of his ex as just a friend. You won’t like it at first, but if you do it for love, you’d eventually get used to it and get along better.

The only problem is that you’d be the only one putting in the effort. Your boyfriend would just keep all the power and stay the way he is – stubborn. He’d make you adjust and have control over you.

So if you tried the previous methods and your boyfriend rejected them, bear in mind that you might get used to your boyfriend talking to his ex. It’s not the best solution (or a solution at all) as it would give your boyfriend all your power and make you look weak, but it’s something you can do if you’re still deciding what to do with him.

Some guys mature a bit with time but know that time likely won’t change his mentality. For his mentality to change, he has to want to change it or be forced to change it.

Leave him

The last thing to do when your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex is to leave him. Doing so could make him anxious and cause him to reflect on his behavior. Maybe even force him to come back and get his act together. But whatever you do, don’t leave your boyfriend with the intention to get what you want from him. That would be extremely immature and manipulative.

Just like the ultimatum, it could achieve the opposite of what you’re hoping to achieve.

So don’t leave your boyfriend just so you can make him care about you. If he cares about you and you’re both ready to be with each other, there are healthier ways to make him care.

And those ways involve very little pain and suffering.

I say leave your boyfriend only if he’s bad at communicating and doesn’t care about your feelings. It won’t be easy to abandon him because you’re attached to him, but it may be for the best. Hoping that he’ll improve with time is a gamble—and life is too short to gamble on people’s ability to grow and improve.

Is your boyfriend refusing to cut ties with his ex-girlfriend? Does it make you anxious and doubtful about the relationship? Comment below and let me know what you think about the five different ways you can handle your boyfriend talking to his ex.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.