When your boyfriend needs space, there’s a big possibility that your boyfriend is no longer your boyfriend. In his mind, he could be your ex-boyfriend because the thought of being with you smothers him and makes him unhappy and uncomfortable.
Whether your boyfriend just needs some space or is done for good really depends on the issues he’s dealing with.
If he’s going through a death in the family, a loss of a job, or something painful, he probably still loves you but doesn’t know how to express his emotions and work on his issues. He just knows that he isn’t happy and that he must do something about it.
But if he’s not going through anything difficult and appears angry, frustrated, and detached, then your boyfriend likely needs space from you rather than space from the issue itself. In that case, he likely won’t come back (at least not any time soon) because he’s developed a negative opinion of you and said he needed space not because he needed time to think but because he was afraid of breaking up with you.
He thought you’d give him a hard time with the breakup, so he decided to lie to you and force you to take your attention off of him.
Guys often use the “I need some space” breakup excuse out of a fear of seeing their girlfriend react with anger or denial. That’s why they give their girlfriend something that guarantees them a safe transition from a relationship to single life.
Just how some guys in relationships lie to avoid conflict, guys who want to break lie as well. They know there’s an easier way to deal with an about to become ex-girlfriend, so they make excuses and lie. By doing so, they ditch their girlfriends before their girlfriends turn around and realize they were dumped.
So if your boyfriend needs space and you’re wondering if he’ll come back once he’s gotten it, the first thing you need to do is to figure out why he needs space in the first place. Is it because something bad happened to him and he doesn’t know how to handle emotions very well or is it because he’s tired of the relationship and wants to get rid of you so he can focus on himself?
Discovering his reason for needing space is crucial as it will tell you if he’s:
- Emotionally unavailable (incapable of giving and receiving love and not ready for a relationship).
- Unhappy with you and the relationship (doesn’t like you anymore).
- Or if he’s going through a rough patch.
You need to discern what’s wrong with him emotionally so you know whether you should stay hopeful about the relationship or give up on it.
In my opinion, anyone who pushes another person away in a relationship isn’t ready to be in a relationship. He’s got a lot more work to do on himself before he’s ready to deal with his problems with his partner by his side.
Not only does he have to learn why he’s pushing his partner away, but he also has to work on himself and provide his partner with the reassurance that he won’t do it again.
The same goes for your boyfriend.
If he’s facing some internal issues (not dilemmas about whether to be with you), he needs to learn how to talk to you and get through his personal issues with you. Life is unpredictable and he’ll experience many more issues like the one he’s going through now.
That’s why he mustn’t just avoid issues. He must learn how to handle them. When he does, he’ll be able to deal with stressors and unwanted emotions successfully without shoving you away and telling you he needs space.
In this post, we’ll talk about whether your boyfriend will come back if you give him space.
Why does my boyfriend need space?
When your boyfriend says he needs space, it’s obvious that he’s emotionally incapable of investing in you and himself at the same time. Something’s preventing him from living his life the way he wants to live it, so he’s pushing you away to minimize his stressors, reduce his anxiety, and have more time to focus on his own wants and needs as well as other people.
A guy who claims to need space needs to be alone because he’s exhausted himself out. He wasn’t getting what he wanted in a relationship for a very long time, so he reached a tipping point and pushed you away.
This is how he stopped reliving the negative emotions he associated with you while he was still with you and made it possible for him to be free and independent.
The reason why your boyfriend needed space isn’t just because he was unhappy. It’s because he wasn’t capable of dealing with his unhappiness the way emotionally ready and mature people do – by talking about it. Instead of talking about it and looking for a solution with you, he thought you’d make him feel worse, so he got overwhelmed with pressure and allowed relationship-breaking emotions to build up to the point that he gave up on you.
Giving up on you was the only solution he saw because giving up eased his resentments and other unhealthy associations almost immediately. It may not have fixed them, but it swept them under the rug and stopped him from needing to address them.
You probably already know that running away from issues and unhealthy emotions is easier than facing them. That must be the reason why alcoholics and drug addicts like to distract themselves rather than do something about the issues that badly need to be fixed.
Your boyfriend may not be a drug addict, but he handled his negative emotions (problems) the exact same way – by ignoring them and hoping they would go away on their own. Little did he know that people who ignore emotional issues in relationships almost always develop resentments and break up.
If your boyfriend says he needs space, you have to understand that the issue is much bigger than you think. It’s not just with his stressors. It’s also with you because he’s associating stress and negativity with you. In other words, he’s distancing himself from you because he made you into a problem whether you contributed to his issues or not.
This means that your boyfriend hasn’t learned the most basic relationship rule which is that he mustn’t project his anger, sadness, depression, or any negative external issues onto you.
The relationship and his life outside of the relationship are two separate entities. If he tries to fuse them, things can get very ugly very quickly.
Have you ever wondered why so many families or couples who work together have a difficult time maintaining their relationships and working together peacefully? It’s because they have close relationships with each other and take issues, opinions, and disagreements personally.
They don’t know how to make their work about work, so they mix the two together and often damage their friendship or romantic relationship in the process.
I’m telling you this because there’s a chance that your boyfriend also associated external stress or unease with you and broke up with you because he wasn’t happy in general.
Depressed or mentally ill people do this often. They lack the strength to perceive and treat their partners the same as before they got ill, so they drag their partners down with them. This is why it’s so important that we work on our emotional health.
If we neglect it, chances are that we’ll project our pain and frustrations onto our partner and suffer when our partner reacts to it.
The infographic below shows 5 reasons why your boyfriend needs space all of a sudden.
Let’s now talk about the three main reasons why your boyfriend needs space.
1)He’s emotionally unavailable
If the guy you were with recently broke up with his girlfriend and immediately monkey-branched to you, the guy likely tried to heal/distract himself after the end of his previous relationship by getting involved with you. He wanted to skip the grieving and self-improvement phase and thought that you would be the solution to his problems.
And he was right. You definitely helped him in terms of validation and emotional support.
That’s why he was really into you and seemed like a perfect match for you. At least at first because he gave you a lot of attention, spent a lot of time with you, and probably even talked about the future.
But when the issues he swept under the rug caught up with him, he quickly started to pull away. This is how he proved that he wasn’t okay emotionally and that he needed to work on his issues before he could bond with you or with anyone else.
Emotional unavailability is something many guys deal with. Especially guys who get broken up with and find someone to date right away. Such guys aren’t honest with their new girlfriend, so they end up shattering her dreams and hurt her.
Of course, they don’t hurt her on purpose. But they still cause her a lot of pain that could have been avoided.
Some guys also deal with emotional unavailability because of unresolved mental health issues. Such guys also try to get involved with someone new too quickly. They don’t take the time to heal and improve themselves, so they get so close to their partner that they blame her for their issues.
As a result, they become emotionally exhausted and think that the only way to be happy is by shutting their partner out of their lives and focusing on themselves.
If you really like your ex, the best thing to do is to leave him alone and let him become emotionally available on his own. He’s responsible for his emotions, so let him take care of them while you take care of yourself.
2)He’s unhappy with you and the relationship
The biggest reason why boyfriends need space in a relationship is that they fail to communicate their wants and needs efficiently. They feel like their girlfriends don’t listen or understand them, so they become unhappy or annoyed and give up on their girlfriends.
This is why they often get angry and hurt their girlfriends in the process. Some guys say the breakup is only temporary, some ghost their girlfriends, some tell their girlfriends it’s their fault, and some blame themselves.
Only guys who understand their emotions and care about their karma break up with their girlfriends properly (apologetically in person) and offer to help their girlfriends get through the breakup.
But then, there are also guys who are neither angry nor extremely eager to help. Those guys just look after themselves and break up with their partners without actually breaking up with her.
They do this by giving their girlfriend one of the following excuses:
- It’s just a break
- I still love you
- I just need some time to think
- I need some space
Guys like this may not want to cause harm, but they end up causing harm anyway. They usually hurt their girlfriends days or weeks later when their girlfriends realize that the relationship has ended.
So if your boyfriend was unhappy with the relationship and said he needed space after an argument or a period of reduced intimacy, keep in mind that your boyfriend isn’t interested in fixing the relationship.
He’s interested in getting space from you which means that he likely won’t get back to you in the near future. Not unless something goes horribly wrong on his end.
While your boyfriend is MIA, make sure to follow the indefinite no contact rule so you can preserve your worth and minimize the number of emotional setbacks you experience because of him.
3)He’s going through a rough patch
Some guys are so bad at dealing with their unwanted emotions that they shut down and block out anyone who tries to help them. They want to look strong in others’ eyes, so they refuse to show vulnerability and signs of weakness.
They’d rather deal with their issues themselves.
Many guys are programmed by parents, guardians, and society from a young age to be strong and self-sufficient. They’re told to be emotionally strong like robots, so that’s exactly what they become. They turn into stoic robots who have trouble expressing the kind of emotions their society classifies as weak and undesirable.
That’s why they hold difficult emotions inside and become emotionally unreceptive to their girlfriends and push them away when their girlfriends get too close and try to “meddle” with their difficulties.
Guys oftentimes just don’t want their girlfriends to help them. They may need help, but because they’re taught to deal with certain difficulties themselves, they reject their girlfriend’s help and feel misunderstood and/or disrespected.
How could they not feel that way when they always needed to fend for themselves? If you ask me, this is a big issue in many societies because it takes a lot to overcome such deep-rooted thoughts and behavior. It takes self-awareness, willpower, and oftentimes even professional help to identify that a person has these emotional blockades.
So if your boyfriend pushed you away because of something he’s not ready to deal with, bear in mind that your boyfriend wants to deal with his issues on his own. The best thing to do is to let him do that while you take care of your separation anxiety and self-esteem.
When/if he comes back, you can decide if you want to be with someone who pushes you away when things get difficult for him.
Will my boyfriend come back if he needs space?
If space is all your boyfriend needs and you provide it to him, there’s no reason why your boyfriend shouldn’t come back. The guy won’t associate stress and pain with you, so he’ll come back once he’s resolved his issues.
But if your boyfriend’s need for space is merely an excuse to break up with you without facing the consequences of breaking your heart, then your boyfriend might not be back any time soon. He’ll likely need to enjoy himself for a while first and then decide if leaving you was a good decision.
To put it simply, your ex-boyfriend will need a lot of time to himself and will possibly need to date other women to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. This is why you mustn’t think that he’ll come back while you’re waiting for him to come back.
Most guys come back only if they fail and suffer badly. That’s when they engage in introspection and learn to respect their ex-partners again.
Does your boyfriend need space and you’re wondering if he’ll come back? Post your comment below the post.
And also, if you’re looking for personalized advice regarding your (ex)boyfriend’s need for space, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I need advice.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. we have been close friends for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together as we only live 5 minutes away. We had really good relationships with our parents, we used to go around each other’s houses and everything was going well.
In february my boyfriend’s parents said to him that i am around too much, they feel they don’t get to see him or speak to him as i am always there, we see each other too often and we shouldn’t be having sleepovers in the week. Realistically i would probably be over his house 3–4 a night (as we work full time). Before this i was feeling anxious going over as i felt in the way as they would have conversations about things i couldn’t join in a lot of the time but i thought it was me being paranoid and anxious and my boyfriend said it wasn’t true but hearing this made it real.
From then i have said i will stay away to not make this difficult 1 because i felt intimidated and in the way and 2 i was upset. I haven’t been back since and it’s early june
Since then they have had a few conversations with him about when i’ll be over, they told him to take me over and he told them i felt in the way and uncomfortable. they asked why and said he should be doing more to make me feel comfortable going over to their home.
since we haven’t been to his home together.
however on sunday when his parents were away, we had to check on his family pets at their home. we planned to have dinner together so made it there to be with the dogs and make sure they were ok. we couldn’t have been there more than 2 hours until his brother got home.
this caused an argument the following day as they felt uncomfortable knowing i was in there home without them there and behind their back. they asked him if i have been begging to come over everyday and that i should be asking to come over. they want me to come over to talk about it which i find really intimidating, my boyfriend says he understands but I’m not sure.
this caused my boyfriend and i to have an argument from which he now wants space from me and doesn’t know how things will get better. he’s angry with me because i said i don’t understand how they can feel uncomfortable with the idea of me being there and that it’s really harsh. I’m devastated as i feel this isn’t a problem between us.
i have tried to fix things, i’ve said sorry for upsetting him and i tried to make him understand how i was feeling but he said he feels his world his crushing around him and he doesn’t know what to do. he wants space from me to think and this has given me really high levels of anxiety and paranoia. it doesn’t help that in a few months they will be moving an hour + away. i feel he will break up with me to avoid these problems and to avoid heartache when he moves. i need advice on how he feels and what i should do </3
he broke up with me 2 days after this. He said we are broken up, he said he doesn’t know if i should have hope, he doesn’t know what to do about concert tickets i bought us for next month, he doesn’t know about him coming on holiday with me in august. he kept saying i don’t know babe about all of it. he said he still loves me and loves me like a lover not as a friend. that he needs space because he doesn’t want to make a rash decision even though he made the decision about breaking up. i asked if he wanted to meet and talk he said not right now. i said i love you he said i love you back. he sounded fine on the phone and he said he’s just trying to get by. he hasn’t changed my name on his phone or my picture and hasn’t changed his social media. he doesn’t know if we will get back together or not and that he just wants space and time to do nothing but that he thinks we could make it work.
i don’t know what to do. his job has changed recently and he and his family are moving away this year. all of this does cause a lot of stress on him.
i don’t know what to do. i am completely heartbroken, i miss him terribly and can’t stop thinking about all of our memories and how perfect everything was days before this. is it stupid i still have hope?
Hi Joanna.
You have to give him space as that’s what he wants. You’ve broken up, so don’t text him or call him anymore. He’s developed resentments because he wasn’t capable and willing to oppose his parents and fight for you. He let them influence his thoughts and feelings.
Stay away from him and focus on yourself. He’ll contact you if he changes his mind.
Best,
Zan
Hi zan, I appreciate this website so much! I was wondering if you would be so kind in giving me some advice?
So I’ve recently got a new boyfriend we only recently made it official. First few times of meeting him went perfect we clicked instantly! But he had a few issues with his children and his ex girlfriend and him being walked over about custody. Anyway he kept letting me down last minute and he was very sorry, at one point he left a message saying “sorry I can’t see you anymore” after telling me how much he was falling for me ect. Anyway he had to roll over and have his kids whenever she’d say so she could have her “free time” or she would threaten to not let him see them.. anyway he eventually plucked the courage to say NO to her because he works 247 and then has the kids and he obviously now wants more of a life which is fair, he needs to be able to have a life outside the children and work. It was going perfect he treated me took me on a lovely day out wouldn’t let me pay for a thing really fun romantic funny day! A few times he’s let me down again.. falling asleep or some lame excuse. However when he’s with me he looks at me like he loves me and we have so much fun! It’s really positive.
He never let me down since.. however yesterday he was suppose to come over we had an evening planned.. but during the day he received an anonymous text saying that apparently I had been sleeping with someone else.. which wasn’t true.. he ignored me all night without question I was still waiting on him like where is he,, I text him asking why he was late and he said “sorry I got held up” and then I didn’t hear from him the next day he claimed that he dug his head in the sand and didn’t come to me straight away. And that he was scared to get hurt.. but on the other hand I can’t keep being let down it’s making me feel like I’m not loved or a priority I’ve voiced this to him he’s promised to change.. we have an evening planned tomorrow and if he bails what do I do? His words don’t match his actions, if a man wants to see you he would right? I’m always waiting on him until last minute he bails or I don’t even hear from him st all.
Hi Curious girl.
You’re right that a man will see you if he wants. The problem is that you’re always initiating things and waiting for him. He seems so passive or scared that he doesn’t do anything. This isn’t a good way for him to live. It’s not good for you either as it doesn’t seem like he’s 100% invested. He may be afraid of getting hurt, but fears need to be overcome. He has to work on them pronto.
Also, if someone texts him you cheated, he should ask you about it and not just believe whatever people say. I think this person is dealing with stressors, fears, and a lack of control and will struggle to invest in you as much as you do in him. Makes sure that he’s resolving his problems or things could end poorly for you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Wowowowow!!!! I’m amazed
Here it’s my whole breakup story Zan
I agree with your opinion, def anyone who pushes another person away in a relationship isn’t ready to be in a relationship.
And now I understand that he wasn’t capable of dealing with his unhappiness the way emotionally ready and mature people do – by talking about it.
But I will forever grateful for your help Zan ❤️
Hi Linda.
Your ex definitely didn’t handle the breakup well. I hope you realize this so that you don’t blame yourself.
Best,
Zan
Great article Zan! This article is so relatable (for me). It’s absolutely spot on as you nailed all the reasons. My ex was a classic example of the guy who used the excuse of “needing space” as described in this article. He wanted space, every time whenever he felt overwhelmed. He associated all his stress and negativity with me and he saw me as the problem. When I tried to talk to him about his unhappiness, he gaslighted me by denying the resentment and negative associations he felt towards me. Worst of all, he used his denial to justify that we are not compatible because we view things differently.
It’s obvious he attributed the main source of his stress to me, which caused him to feel smothered and unhappy with me. But he refused to admit all these and merely told me he need space and need time to think. Looking back, this was a major red flag and it was already signalling non-commitment and lack of will power to want to work things out.
A guy who is truly in love will not want to take a break from the woman he loves or push her away. Couldn’t agree more that if a man keeps telling you he wants space, chances are he is no longer invested.
Hi Mag.
“Viewing things differently” is not an incompatibility but an unwillingness to work together to resolve differences. Due to a lack of willpower and too much stubbornness, your ex associated more and more negativity with you every day. It eventually got to the point that he created so much resentment and other negative emotions for you that “getting space” was all he could do to feel better.
It’s okay, Mag. I have a feeling you’ll do much better without a guy like him.
Best regards,
Zan
Dear Zan, thank you for the reply. I do agree that a relationship is all about compromising and willingness on both parties to work out the differences. It’s also about embracing differences and accepting the person as they are. There are no couples who are 100% in alignment with each other.
That’s why I feel that people who use incompatibility to break up is often unrealistic and immature, as it shows that they have a ‘grass is greener’ mentality and that they are looking for their “phantom soulmate” match whom they do not have to put in much effort to make the relationship work. To them, they expect the relationship to flow smoothly without much disagreements or conflict and this is their idea of compatibility. If there are any conflict, they view it as a sign of incompatibility.
Would you be so kind to write an article about incompatibility? Would love to hear your thoughts whether is incompatibility is a convenient excuse used by one party not to commit or work things out? Thank you.
Hi Mag.
I agree with what you wrote. Some dumpers throw the incompatibility excuse around as if the universe is at fault for the breakup. In reality, it’s their lack of commitment and ability to grow individually and with their partner.
I’ll write an article about incompatibility excuses soon.
Thank you,
Zan
Personally, from my experience, ‘I need space’ is the other person trying find the will to break up.
You’re right, Doug!
Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Zan