Is My Ex Using Me As A Security Blanket?

Most of the time, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends don’t intentionally keep their exes in their lives as security blankets or backup plans. They tend to keep them around as friends or people they can emotionally, financially, or sexually benefit from.

By remaining in touch with them, they can use their exes to deal with guilt, needs, and various unpleasant emotions that cause them unease, worry, or even doubt.

You need to understand that unlike dumpees, dumpers don’t need a feeling of safety as they’re more certain about wanting to break up than they are uncertain. They know that breaking up was the right thing to do because their ex’s absence helps them forget about their ex’s needs and allows them to focus only on theirs.

They’d been wanting to self-prioritize for a while but weren’t able to because they were still committed to their partner and wanted to make sure their partner was okay. But after the breakup, this changed completely. They suddenly had a lot of time on their hands and could do whatever they wanted to do.

Even date other people.

You see, dumpers need to overcome many negative breakup emotions and focus on personal interests.

It’s just that sometimes, they involve their dumpees in their post-breakup life (especially when they have issues) and end up confusing their dumpees with strange questions, statements, and behavior. They make them think that they still crave them romantically even though they’ve already severed the bond and found new people or hobbies to distract themselves with.

I suppose dumpees are so hopeful about reconciliation that they quickly mistake their ex’s desire for emotional support for love. They don’t (initially) consider the possibility that their ex might be using them (taking from them) and not giving them much or anything back.

This is why they settle for friendships and keep waiting for their ex to realize what he or she has lost.

With that being said, your ex is likely not using you as the kind of security blanket that would make your ex run back to you in case things go south. It’s much more possible that your ex just doesn’t understand what you need to heal or that he or she doesn’t want to let you heal.

Your ex probably wants the cake and eat it too because your ex didn’t know what the breakup was going to look like.

He or she thought you would remain friends and stay in frequent touch like you both wanted the same things from each other. Little did your ex know that your needs are different from his/hers and that staying in touch with your ex (especially when your ex appears to be friendly) gives you false hope and messes up your healing.

Unfortunately, many dumpers contact their exes out of the blue not to reconcile but to patch their wounds. They want their ex’s help coping with stressors and issues, so they try to use their ex for emotional support. Such dumpers consider their exes to be one of their most reliable sources of help and support.

They’re still used to having them in their lives and are very familiar with them.

And because they’re familiar with them, dumpees are the only people in the world who can give them reliable emotional support without getting love, affection, reassurance, or anything they actually need in return.

This is why dumpees often feel used and taken for granted.

So if you think your ex is using you as a security blanket when things go awry just to set you aside the moment your ex recovers, know that your ex isn’t slowly coming back to you. Your ex is just using you to deal with personal problems because he or she considers you a friend and one of the best (if not the best) people to get help from.

You have a history with your ex, so leaning on your shoulder comes very naturally to your ex.

This post is for my fellow dumpees who are fearing that their ex is using them as a security blanket – as someone who provides emotional or sexual satisfaction but receives no romantic fulfillment in return.

How do I know if my ex is using me as a security blanket?

There’s a quick and easy way to check if your ex is using you as a security blanket. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for self-centered behavior that doesn’t include you or help you in ways that you want it to.

Look out for behavior that intends to take something from you rather than contribute to your life.

Things that would take something from you are:

• Sex or conversations that revolve around sex
• Requests and utlimatums
• Angry outbursts
• Favors
• Boredom
• Guilt relief
• Validation
• Emotional, financial, physical, or any kind of support

If your ex is using you for selfish purposes, your ex is going to talk mainly about his or her problems and concerns and ask how you’re doing only as a conversation starter or out of courtesy. Expect your ex to rely on you for healing and to leave you alone once he or she has recovered emotionally or in whichever way your ex needs to recover.

You must understand that an ex who uses you doesn’t need you nor want you romantically. The man or woman just wants to get what he/she can by giving as little in return as possible. It’s not that your ex doesn’t want to be a decent person. It’s just that he or she doesn’t feel like investing in you and fulfilling your highly demanding emotional needs.

Of course, your needs aren’t necessarily demanding. They just appear that way to your ex because your ex broke up with you so he or she wouldn’t have to worry about them anymore.

So if you’re wondering if your ex is using you as a security blanket, know that it’s possible. Your ex may be relying on you from time to time to have an easier time managing stressors and personal issues despite ending things with you and making it clear that he or she wants to handle these things on his or her own.

Here’s how you can tell your ex is using you as a security blanket.

How long is my ex going to keep using me?

It’s hard to say how long an ex could keep using you for support, but if it’s been months and your ex still hasn’t left you alone, you’ve got enough evidence to conclude that it could take a while. It could take your ex years or longer because that’s how long it could take your ex to develop the strength to handle difficulties or find someone else to rely on.

Many dumpers prefer their exes to their friends and family members for support. This is because they don’t feel ashamed or weak for asking their exes for guidance, encouragement, or money. They’re close to them and find it easier to turn to them than their parents or siblings.

Their family members don’t know them on an intimate level (on the kind of level their exes do). This is why they seldom think twice before they turn to their exes (usually their recent ex) for healing. For them to choose their family and friends to confide in, the first thing they would need to do is to lower their pride, stop trying to protect their image, and develop stronger bonds.

People often tell me, “My ex has a network of people who provide practical or emotional support. Why would my ex reach out to me rather than friends and family for support? Why not just spend time with those people?”

The answer I give them is that their ex’s family and friends can’t and/or don’t provide the kind of reassurance (ex) romantic partners do. Sure, they distract dumpers and make sure they have an easier time coping with stress, but they don’t help them much with self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and health issues.

Even professionals often need weeks of time to help people get back on their feet. Don’t assume that friends can do it quicker. Friends often run out of patience after a few days of listening to their friend rant about the same things over and over again.

But that’s beside the point.

As long as your ex is hurting or needs help with something important, know that your ex likely won’t stop using you. He or she is going to put himself or herself first and string you along for as long as necessary. Your ex probably won’t see anything wrong with that because in his or her mind, your ex will think of himself or herself as a caring and respectful “friend.”

A friend that is in dire need of help—and feels entitled to receive your help for everything he or she has done for you in the past.

Don’t let your ex use you for emotional support!

If your ex dumped you, you owe it to yourself to take care of your mind and body and get over your ex. You needn’t stick around and make sure your ex can handle all the predicaments life throws at him or her. That’s not what you signed up for. You agreed to be in a “conditional” romantic relationship in which you would provide love, care, and support for as long as you receive love, care, and support in return.

Once you no longer receive these things, the contract is no longer valid. It’s invalid, so you’re more than free to do what makes you happy, provided that you don’t hurt your ex and people related to your ex.

Call it egocentric, but the truth is it’s neither selfish nor selfless. You’re just prioritizing your mental and emotional health over an ex who can use you and ruin your healing in the process. Since your ex can set you back and stop you from growing, it’s better not to give your ex a chance to be in charge again.

Your ex was in charge when he or she broke up with you. That’s why there’s no need for your ex to continue to dictate the flow of the breakup. From now on, your ex needs to respect you and your boundaries. If he/she doesn’t, you need to do something about it.

In a relationship, you could express yourself by saying that you feel underappreciated and even used from time to time. But since you’re not together anymore, there’s only one thing you can do now that will allow you to keep healing and make your ex respect you for your strength.

And that thing is the indefinite no contact rule. This straightforward self-imposed rule consists of principles and guidelines that will send your ex a powerful message. A message that says you love yourself more than your ex and any other relationship you’ve ever been in and ever will be in.

It might not force your ex to come running back, but it will give your ex no choice but to respect you as a person and let you regain your dignity.

Just make sure to follow its rules diligently. You need to stick with them at all costs because no contact won’t affect your ex and heal your wounds overnight. In most cases, it takes people at least a few months before they start seeing results.

So start following no contact today and make sure to give it some time to do what it’s supposed to do – mend your broken heart.

What if my ex keeps using me after that?

If your ex doesn’t leave you alone after going no contact, the best thing to do is to ask your ex not to reach out anymore. Say that you don’t want to come off as angry or rude but that you’ve decided it’s better not to communicate so you can focus fully on yourself.

Your ex should understand that you’re trying to move forward with your life and let you go. Your ex won’t hold you back unless he or she is immature, codependent, lacks breakup knowledge, or takes your decision personally.

So whatever you do, don’t let your ex continue to give you false hope and hurt you. You’ve got to be brave and put an end to your ex’s hurtful behavior. You have to do it even if your ex hurts you only indirectly and unintentionally.

It doesn’t matter how your ex hurts you. The problem is that he/she does and that your healing is taking a toll because of it. That’s why you now have to stop worrying about what your ex will think and do and start looking after yourself. Your ex has already started doing that when he or she left you, so you have every right to just focus on yourself and learn what you can from this.

The breakup is a chance for you to break some old patterns, build emotional strength, and stand up for yourself. You can be the person you want to be. But you must really want to be that person. You must want it so bad that you never put yourself in another situation where a person with power could use you or abuse you.

Is your ex using you as a security blanket or a backup plan? Does talking to your ex make you unhappy and hinder your recovery? Let us know what you want to do about your ex’s mistreatment in the comments below.

However, if you prefer to talk to us directly, find out more about Magnet of Success 1-on-1 coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.