I Want To Text My Ex So Bad! How Do I Snap Out Of It?

If you don’t want to make things worse with your ex, I strongly advise you not to text your ex. Not only will texting your ex anger, smother, or guilt-trip your ex (make the reconciliation harder), but it will also hurt you.

It will tell you that your ex is uneager to talk to you and reconcile with you and that you’re not good enough for your ex no matter what you say or do.

This information will then force you to relive the breakup, make you more addicted to your ex, and cause you so much anxiety that you’ll want to text your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend even more than you do right now.

So if you think that you have nothing to lose by texting your ex now that the world’s come crashing down on you, trust me that you do. You have even more to lose because you’re desperate for love and extremely vulnerable to romantic rejections and failures.

You’re still healing from the previous rejection and therefore aren’t ready to face another one.

The only reason you want to text your ex so badly is that you want to hear some good news. News that would assure your ex loves you, respects you, and wants to be with you. You want your ex to return to the loving person he or she was before the breakup.

But, unfortunately, texting your ex isn’t going to bring your old ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back and convince your ex that you’re worth another shot. It can’t because if your ex wanted you back he or she would have told you that by now of his or her own accord. Your ex would have reached out and admitted to making the biggest mistake of his or her life.

That’s what people do when they regret leaving their partner. They break the silence and reach out in an apologetic manner.

If you’re thinking that your ex is too proud or too stubborn to do that, you’re mistaken. Your ex can be the biggest self-absorbed narcissistic on the planet, but I assure you that if your ex wanted you back that your ex would have done everything in his or her power to get back with you.

Your ex wouldn’t miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be emotionally fulfilled, secure, and comfortable with the person he or she wants to be with.

Why?

Because of anxiety and fear. These two powerful emotions would torment your ex so much that your ex wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation to contact you. Just how you want to text your ex so bad, the same principles apply to your ex. Your ex would also want to text you very badly because your ex would be emotionally dependent on receiving a positive response from you.

That’s what your ex would do if he or she had discerned your worth and craved your affection.

So while your ex is taking the time to get hurt and see what you bring to the table, stay away from your ex. Don’t text your ex because the moment you do, you’ll interrupt your ex’s immense need for space and set your ex back.

You’ll bring out your ex’s unwanted feelings and make it nearly impossible for your ex to respect you and redevelop feelings for you. Don’t forget that respect is earned and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t respect you either.

Your ex is most likely just going to treat you the way you treat yourself.

This post is dedicated to all dumpees who are anxious and badly want to text their ex to ease their anxiety.

Why you shouldn’t text your ex?

No matter how badly you want to text your ex, you must always remember that your ex needs space to process his or her negative feelings and associations—and that you should never reach out to someone who dumped you. You shouldn’t do it no matter what your ex promised you prior to the breakup and what he or she is doing after the breakup.

If your ex isn’t texting you, you shouldn’t text your ex either.

As long as your ex is minding his or her own business (not texting you), it’s as clear as the sky is blue that your ex doesn’t feel a desire strong enough to converse with you. Your ex might be curious about you and perhaps even ready to have a short conversation about something unrelated to the relationship, but as far as your ex’s romantic interest goes, it’s just not there.

Your ex hasn’t found a good emotional and rational reason to fall back in love with you yet. And he/she won’t find it for as long as your ex craves and enjoys emotional and physical space and needs more time to focus on his or her wants and needs.

That’s why you don’t have a choice but to remain patient and wait for your ex to desire your presence. It could take your ex a very long time for that to happen, of course, but don’t worry about how long it takes. Time is on your side because the more time passes, the more your ex will process the breakup, and the more you’ll heal and improve.

Once you’ve healed (or made some emotional progress), you’ll be able to see things clearly. You’ll see that you’ve been thinking of acting on anxiety (emotions) rather than logical thinking and that your ex wouldn’t respect you if you reached out ahead of time.

Your ex would perceive your reach out as a cry for help and feel even less excited to talk to you.

So again, don’t just act on instinct and hope for the best. Doing so will show your ex that you’re desperate for attention and validation and that you need him or her to feel good about yourself. Furthermore, your irrational behavior will smother your ex and push your ex so far away that you’ll lose sight of your ex and suffer another emotional setback.

So if you want what’s best for you (and your ex), bear in mind that you must resist the urges to reach out. You must fight them by reminding yourself that there will be consequences for texting your ex.

Reaching out prematurely will make things worse for both of you. And here’s how.

The best that can happen when you cave in to anxiety and reach out is that your ex entertains you for a few minutes or gives you neutral responses. But even that likely won’t end well because you’ll eventually find out that your ex is not thinking about reconciliation, dating someone else, or doing something you don’t want him or her to do.

If you want to text your ex so bad, it’s best not to reach out because reaching out will raise your expectations and make your emotional health contingent on your ex’s reply. This means that the chances of getting hurt by your ex are very, very high.

It’s much safer for you to wait for the person who abandoned you to show interest in you first. That’s how you can tell that he or she has processed the breakup (or parts of it) and that it’s safe to have a quick chat.

Is it pathetic to text your ex?

It’s definitely pathetic to text your ex because texting portrays interest. It shows that you’re running after your ex even though your ex broke up with you and indirectly asked for space. To understand why texting is pathetic, you must understand how breakups work.

You must understand that your ex didn’t break up with you just to physically distance himself or herself from you. Physical distance means very little to your ex. Your ex broke up with you to get emotional space because your ex felt trapped, guilty, angry, or depressed.

Your ex was not happy with you and still isn’t because now your presence or comments remind your ex of the past (bring out negative associations) and make it impossible for him or her to keep up with your expectations.

The moment you text your ex, your ex’s very first thoughts will be “What does my ex want from me?” This means that your ex will immediately raise his or her guard and block all attempts to bond.

If your ex is mature, he will reply politely and concisely.

But if your ex lacks maturity and is impulsive, she will ignore you or tell you or show you she has no love and respect for you.

Whatever your ex’s response will be, you won’t be glad that you’ve reached out. You’re going to regret it because you won’t get the positive response you’re looking for.

So if you want to text your ex so bad, don’t do it. You have nothing to gain by reaching out when you’re anxious and dying to feel loved by the person who abandoned you. All you can gain is more anxiety—and my gut tells me you already have enough of that.

When is it okay to contact an ex who dumped you?

Look, as long as the reason you want to reach out is pain, you should not reach out to your ex. Your ex will see that you’re reaching out for yourself—and that just won’t impress your ex.

It will make your ex see that you’re anxious, depressed, or suicidal, put pressure on your ex, and force your ex to stay away from you.

Sure, if you want to reach out to your ex (let’s say just to congratulate him or her for landing a job), that may not put any expectations on your ex, but it will still tell your ex that you’re around, watching your ex’s every move. It will show your ex that you’re still focusing on him or her when you should be thinking about yourself.

This will likely annihilate your ex’s built-up desire to speak to you and give your ex your remaining power.

That’s why the only time it’s okay to text your ex is when you’re over your ex, when your ex has processed the breakup, and when the topic of conversation isn’t about you nor your ex. It’s okay to message your ex when you have shared responsibilities such as kids or when you have important topics to finalize. Topics like divorce, rent, work, or some unfinished business.

You shouldn’t contact your ex if your ex owes you money or if your ex left his or her belonging at your house. Friends and family exist for such matters, so put yourself first and focus on getting over the breakup.

The picture below depicts when it’s ok to text your ex and when it’s a bad idea.

So again, it’s okay to text your ex if your ex has no expectations of you, if you’re over your ex, or if you need to work together and discuss things that interest both of you.

But it’s not okay to text your ex you miss him/her and that you’re hurting because of the breakup.

I want my ex to text me so bad! How do I make my ex text me?

If you’re dying to hear back from your ex, you must know what makes dumpers reach out after the breakup.

The number one thing they absolutely need before they even think about contacting their dumpee is respect. Respect is essential because if they don’t respect their dumpee, they don’t gain anything from reaching out. They just end up feeling worse (more exhausted).

The second thing they need is emotional distance. Not talking to their dumpee for a while can help them process relief and replace their post-breakup negativity with more positive thoughts and feelings. The emphasis is on “can” because not all dumpers possess the mental capabilities necessary for disassociating negativity from their ex-partner.

But most of them do process the breakup at least to some degree when they get some emotional distance and see things from a more rational perspective.

Thirdly, dumpers need to have a good reason for texting their dumpees. Dumpees can’t just pick up the phone and make their ex text them by force. Forcing things after the breakup tends to achieve the opposite, so bear in mind that dumpers have to want to text dumpees or be forced to text them.

They have to find a rational or emotional incentive.

A rational incentive is curiosity and boredom.

And an emotional incentive is anxiety, worry, fear, guilt, discontent, loneliness, nostalgia, regret…

So if you want your ex to text you, it’s extremely important that you hold it together and remain confident and self-reliable in your ex’s eyes. You must give your ex time to see your value and allow your ex to find a reason to text you.

And here’s how you can do that.

1. Go indefinite no contact and stay in it (it will prove that you can handle the separation and earn you some respect)
2. Focus on improving your self-esteem, confidence, and shortcomings
3. Become ambitious and enthusiastic about your life again
4. Hang out with friends and family and get to know some new people
5. Gain relationship insight and develop yourself emotionally

Basically, grow as a person and show your ex that you’ve fallen in love with yourself again. Doing that may not attract your ex back, but it could prove that you’re self-focused and make it safe enough for your ex to text you or call you.

Also, don’t worry about how you’ll prove that you’re learning from your mistakes and improving yourself. If your ex becomes curious about you, he or she will find out the details in one way or another. If not through social media or friends, then by running into you or waiting for the power of no contact to do the speaking for you.

How can I stop myself from texting my ex?

Nothing in your life will be harder than resisting the urge to reach out to someone who rejected you. Stopping yourself from acting on impulse will take unbelievable willpower and commitment. It will take everything you have as it will put your self-esteem and the ability to cope with unfavorable conditions to the test.

There will be times when you feel extremely tempted to try your luck with your ex, but keep in mind that it gets easier with time. Every day should feel better than the day before. Especially if other parts of your life such as friendships and finances are stable.

If such things aren’t okay, however, then you can probably expect to encounter more setbacks on your journey to recovery. You can expect other stressors to hurt you and make you miss your ex.

This means that the most important thing you need to do to stop yourself from texting your ex is to get your life in order. Improve or fix your friendships, focus on work (or find work), learn how to control your emotions, and most importantly, stay busy.

Do whatever it takes to distract yourself because it will take some time before your anxiety wanes and self-esteem and independence return.

Below, you can find some important tips on how to not text your ex after a breakup.

Most dumpees find success in not texting their ex by becoming mindful of the consequences of texting their ex. So if the fear of knowing that you’ll smother your ex and push him or her away helps, feel free to remind yourself why texting your ex is a bad idea.

Do it as often as you need to.

Do you badly want to text your ex? What’s going through your mind right now? Feel free to vent in the comments section below the post. It might make you feel better

Or if you prefer, you can vent to us by subscribing to coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.