Many dumpees contemplate breaking the no contact rule. They feel so anxious, scared, depressed, and power-deprived that they want to reach out to their ex, tell their ex how they feel, and rely on their ex for emotional support. Instead of dealing with stress themselves or with the help of people who care about them, they consider their ex a valid person to reach out to and beg for reassurance.
Pain makes them think irrationally, forget why they started no contact, and tempt them to say or do things that risk endangering their and their ex’s health and well-being.
If you’re thinking about breaking no contact, it’s likely because you’re struggling to manage your thoughts and emotions. On the one hand, you know you must stay in no contact and give your ex the space he or she asked for. But on the other hand, you have trouble focusing on yourself and keeping your distance. You constantly wonder about your ex and desire answers, closeness, or validation.
What you’re experiencing is completely normal. Most dumpees think about breaking the no contact rule to alleviate their suffering. Some even go as far as to convince themselves that no contact isn’t working and that they must check up on their ex to see if their ex wants them back. This kind of thinking often leads to the breach of no contact rules, depiction of desperation, and a painful rejection. The dumper doesn’t want to reconcile because he or she hasn’t had enough time to fail in life, reflect, realize his or her mistakes, and redevelop respect and feelings.
So if you want to break no contact and try to get your ex back with words or actions, remember that you likely won’t succeed. You’ll probably make things worse because you’ll pressure your ex to do something he or she doesn’t want to do. In other words, your ex will get more frustrated with you and see even fewer reasons to communicate and reconnect romantically.
Your gut may be telling you to contact your ex and gamble on a desperate attempt to win your ex back, but remember that desperation doesn’t work on detached and determined exes. It works on exes who still love you, want you to give them your power, and do things their way. Such exes listen to what dumpees have to say and typically reach out if dumpees don’t contact them and express their regret within a set timeframe.
Other exes, though, refuse to be guilt-tripped and persuaded back into a relationship. They stay guarded and block any efforts to stir up old feelings. Even if they like their ex as a person, they keep their ex out of their heart and stay in control of the breakup. Control empowers them and lets them avoid taking responsibility.
You’ve got to remember that you started no contact because your ex broke up with you and forced you to prioritize your recovery process. If you break no contact now, you’ll lose your healing progress and make it difficult for your ex to take you seriously, respect, like, and miss you. Your ex will think you’re fickle-minded and that you’re unworthy of his or her time, attention, and love. That will, in turn, reduce his or her interest in you and willingness to invest.
Breaking no contact is only acceptable in specific situations, such as when you need to discuss something important.
For example:
- Retrieving your personal belongings
- Discussing shared responsibilities (work, children, pets, shared bills, etc.)
- Handling emergencies or health-related issues
- Clarifying or sharing something essential
In such cases, you can break no contact even if it inconveniences your ex. Sometimes you don’t have a choice but to reach out and discuss what needs to be discussed. Whether it’s in person or through electronic communication, you must do what’s best for you, your ex, or someone else. You must set your pride aside and communicate efficiently. Efficient communication means no relationship or breakup talks. You need to get straight to the point about why you’re reaching out.
That way, your ex will see that you have no romantic expectations and not feel so pressured to talk and fulfill your needs. I don’t know your ex, so I can’t tell you what your ex feels and might feel if you reach out strictly about important matters, but if he or she is mature and in control of negative emotions, your ex will likely respond appropriately and do what you expect of him or her.
It’s in your best interest to only reach out if you have to. Your ex will (or rather should) understand that you’re not doing it to get close to him or her, but that you genuinely need something. If your ex sees or thinks that your reason for reaching out is unimportant, your ex could feel overwhelmed, trapped, offended, or angry and do something you (not your ex) will regret. Your ex could respond coldly/angrily, ignore you, or perhaps even block you. There’s no telling what your ex will do when you take the liberty to initiate a random conversation.
But from my experience, it usually doesn’t lead anywhere. Most dumpers consider the conversation emotionally draining and stop responding when they see how their ex is doing. Many times, they cut their ex off and make their ex wonder why they did that. The conversation doesn’t answer the dumpee’s burning questions, nor make him or her feel better. That leaves the dumpee no choice but to go back to no contact and avoid receiving unwanted reactions from the dumper.
In this post, we discuss why you feel the need to break no contact and how you can resist it.
I want to break no contact
Why do you want to break no contact all of a sudden? Did you have a bad day and want someone to listen and care? Or did you come across something that reminded you of your ex or opened your wounds? Something or someone likely swamped your brain with obsessive thoughts and anxiety and made you want your ex close to you for love and validation. Whether you were lonely and missed your ex or had a powerful dream about your ex, you feel a strong need to reach out and not feel how you currently feel. This feeling is responsible for your urge to reconnect with your ex and get what you need out of it.
It’s not just about your one-sided feelings. It’s mainly about your perception of yourself, your unmet expectations, and the lack of happy hormones your ex provided to you on a daily basis. Your ex used to empower you, give you purpose, and make you feel safe. Now that you’re in no contact, this is no longer the case. You feel no sense of empowerment, accomplishment, or purpose. You can’t find a reason to keep going, since nearly all your goals and dreams involved your ex.
You intended to stay with your ex and move in the same direction together, but the breakup shattered your sense of direction and forced you to look for happiness within. Because you don’t have any backup plans and ways to recover emotionally, you feel stuck, wondering whether you should reach out and lean on your ex for direction and support.
This is known as a loss of identity. It occurs to dumpees when their dumpers pull the rug from under their invested ex, leaving him or her disoriented and unsure of who he or she is without the relationship. The dumpee feels scared to move forward and face the world alone, so he/she thinks about the dumper and contemplates getting back in touch.
If you want to break no contact because you’re scared of being alone or giving your ex too much time to find someone else, this is completely normal. Most brokenhearted dumpees fear letting go of control and giving their ex a chance to meet someone else. It’s a legit fear. But despite that, you shouldn’t break the silence just because you feel insecure, anxious, and afraid of being replaced.
Your ex won’t care less and move on more than he or she already has. You won’t anger your ex and waste your chance to be with your ex. You must remember that your ex has already lost feelings and that getting them back will require more than communication and effort on your part. It will require maturing and a realization that leaving was a mistake.
Your ex will mature and realize things on his or her own, probably when life gets hard. And life will get hard when your ex gets in trouble and feels stressed or anxious due to something unpredictable and out of his or her control.
For now, you need to acknowledge your temptation to break no contact and tell your ex what you want and how you feel. Remember that it’s perfectly normal to feel this way and that you’ll feel less and less eager to reach out the longer you stay in no contact. It may take a while, but eventually, you’ll detox from your ex and realize that you no longer depend on his or her validation.
That’s when you’ll see that no contact is working and that you’ll only get stronger.
If you want to break no contact because you’re unhappy, that’s obviously not a good reason to contact your ex. You may feel super hurt and really want to confide in your ex, but try to remember that your ex isn’t your friend. Your ex is someone you tried to make things work with, but couldn’t due to certain problems or incompatibilities.
Whatever the reason for breaking up is, it’s not okay to reach out unless your ex asked you to, once you’ve made some necessary changes in your life. You can’t reach out just because you’ve grown since the breakup and want to give the relationship another chance. Usually, the dumpee’s growth doesn’t matter because the dumper associates negative beliefs with the dumpee and doesn’t care if he or she has improved.
All the dumper cares about is getting space and surrounding him/herself with other people or things. Others empower the dumper, whereas talking to you, especially about the past stresses him or her.
Having said that, here are 6 reasons why you want to break no contact so badly.
No contact is your friend, not your enemy
I know you want to check up on your ex and feel validated, but you can’t break no contact prematurely. Breaking the rule early will destroy all your progress and pin your hope on your ex. It will force your ex to communicate, which will tell your ex that you’re not taking care of yourself and moving on.
It will also make your ex quickly realize that you’re reaching out entirely for yourself and that he or she can’t benefit from talking to you.
It’s important for you to know that no contact is mainly for you, not your ex. It allows you to distance yourself from the person who rejected you and made you crazy about him or her. If you break it with the intention to get close to your ex and feel loved, you’ll fail and feel rejected and hurt.
Don’t look at no contact as something you can break when things get tough. No contact is absolute. You can’t end it just because you’re finding it difficult to move forward. End it temporarily for important reasons mentioned earlier, or permanently when your ex wants you back, or when you’re over your ex and don’t want your ex back.
No contact will help you detach and see the relationship from a clearer perspective. It will show you that your ex isn’t everything and that you have plenty of better and more reliable people to lean on for support. People who actually want you close to them. They will help you wean off your ex and point you in a new direction.
So keep in mind that no contact is your best no contact strategy, whether you want your ex back or not. The longer you commit to it, the more you’ll see that you’re perfectly capable of disconnecting emotionally from your ex and living a successful life without him or her.
Also, if things don’t go well for your ex, your ex might even reflect and catch a second wind. He or she might work on things that need work and recommit to you.
If that happens, it means that no contact helped you get yourself back as well as your ex.
While you’re fighting the urge to break no contact, remember that your ex is thinking about you as well. It may not be as often as you think about him/her, but that’s because your ex isn’t hurt. He or she is feeling relieved due to the breakup and wants to stay in charge of his or her life.
Your ex will keep feeling empowered as long as the breakup is new and exciting. There’s nothing you can do to stop your ex from feeling that way. Any attempt to communicate and change your ex’s thoughts and feelings will only make you feel weak and disrespectful. So much so that your ex cuts you off and shows you that breaking no contact was a mistake.
Are you following no contact, but thinking about breaking its rules? What do you find the most difficult? Post your thoughts and feelings below.
However, if you’d like to chat with us about your urges to talk to your ex, reach out directly to us. We’ll work through your breakup together and find effective ways to maintain your distance.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
