Many of us have done things we aren’t proud of. Some of us have said or done hurtful things during a relationship whereas others have taken revenge after the breakup and tried to get back at the dumper.
We did such things because we felt betrayed, belittled, abandoned, or hurt and thought we needed to show our partner or ex-partner how he or she has made us feel.
When we hurt a person, we don’t always do it on purpose. Many times, we don’t put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and think things through. We hurt a person simply because we assume a hurtful response will help our partner/ex-partner understand us and make us feel better.
The same is true for cheating. People betray their partner not to punish their partner (unless they revenge cheat), but to feel validated by the person they cheat with. They lack the commitment and tools to resist temptations, so they follow their instincts and end up hurting their partner more than anything.
They don’t worry about their partner while they’re betraying him. They usually start feeling bad after they’ve done the deed – when they’ve had some time to think about what they’ve done and what cheating means for their relationship.
That’s when they start to question their morals and dedication to their partner and may even regret cheating.
The point is that people are emotional beings. We often let emotions meddle with our thoughts and let them decide how we act. If we lack emotional self-control, we feel extremely tempted to project our emotions onto the person who has given rise to our negative emotions.
We make sure the other person knows how we feel and that we don’t want to feel that way anymore.
So if you said or did something you aren’t proud of, bear in mind that you felt it was the right thing to do in that particular moment. You were probably emotional and didn’t know how to control or want to control your emotions.
Negative emotions made you feel victimized and impacted your ability to communicate efficiently. They made you respond in ways that damaged your ex’s perception of you and the way he or she felt about you.
If you didn’t do anything bad because of negative emotions but instead lied, got addicted to drugs, let your ex do all the chores, or refused to spend time with your ex, then you hurt your ex indirectly due to a lack of empathy and awareness.
You couldn’t see or care what your ex wanted from you and how your ex felt, so you did things your way until your ex detached and desired freedom. In that case, you didn’t know what a fair and healthy relationship looked like, so you neglected your ex and expected your ex to stay with you despite him or her being unhappy.
Needless to say, your ex couldn’t stay unhappy forever. He or she desperately needed things to change. Every day, unhappiness grew and so did his or her doubts and resentment. Eventually, your ex lost all feelings and pulled the plug.
Even the most patient, loyal, and low self-esteem people eventually have enough. They determine they can’t keep fighting battles they can’t win and that they’d rather be single than with someone who doesn’t care about them in ways they want to be loved.
That’s why they lose feelings and look for distractions to keep themselves busy with. In other words, they make backup plans to make the transition easier on themselves.
If your ex left and appears to be hurt, you need to know that a simple apology won’t change your ex’s feelings. Multiple heartfelt apologies won’t make a difference either. They’ll probably just make you look anxious and desperate for reconciliation.
Your dumper ex has to want to forgive you. He or she has to want to let go of the past and be willing to invest in you and get hurt. He or she can do that by understanding that a relationship with you will make him or her happier than staying broken up.
The challenging part for your ex is lowering his or her guard. Due to hurt feelings, resentment, pride, or all these things combined, your ex created defense mechanisms that prevent him or her from trusting and loving you.
These defense mechanisms make your ex unreceptive to your reasoning and personal growth.
As long as your ex thinks you’re to blame for the breakup and refuses to take accountability, you won’t get back together. All your efforts will be in vain because your ex will remember your mistakes vividly, extort power from them, and justify his or her decisions and actions.
By focusing on how badly you messed up, he or she will feel victimized and in control of the breakup. Hence, you’ll have to choose another reconciliation approach. One that lets your ex do what he or she wants and encourages him or her to naturally go through the dumper stages.
You’ll have to go no contact. But not just any no contact. You’ll have to do the indefinite no contact and follow all the rules of no contact. By following the rules diligently, you’ll show you respect your ex’s decisions and feelings and that you won’t degrade yourself for a person who doesn’t want to be with you.
Like it or not, you must exude strength, not weakness. You must show you love yourself more than any person or relationship. That makes you attractive and desirable whereas communication and begging make you undesirable.
Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to apologize for causing problems and pain. If this is a real breakup (not a fakeup), your ex considers the breakup final and wants you to accept it. He or she expects you to not disagree, guilt-trip, spread secrets/rumors, and make your life about him or her.
In other words, your ex isn’t waiting for you to feel sorry and apologize. Due to a loss of feelings and the desire to reconnect, your ex needs you to avoid making his or her life difficult and let him or her be free.
Freedom will let your ex self-prioritize and allow your ex to think about you in a better light than unsolicited reachouts and apologies.
In today’s post, we shed some light on how to get your ex back after hurting them. We discuss what to do and not do if you made mistakes and want to show you’ve learned and improved from them.
How to get your ex back after hurting them?
Getting your ex back after hurting them isn’t easy. Due to pain and resentment, the dumper associates relationship-preventing beliefs and feelings with you and will do everything in his or her power to stay away from you (at least romantically).
He or she will focus on your mistakes and talk about them whenever you try to change his or her mind.
Every time you express regret and try to move past it, your ex will drag you back into the past and stop you from reconnecting as partners. This will destroy your hope of getting back together and hurt you immensely.
You’ll feel rejected, anxious, and depressed and become even more dependent on your ex for recognition and love.
Hence, I strongly suggest not to pour your heart out and apologize to your ex after the breakup. You should apologize only when your ex apologizes and/or expresses a desire to get back with you.
If you apologize before then, you’ll show you’re in pain and make your ex think you expect certain things in return. Things such as forgiveness, acceptance, love, and support.
Your ex can’t think that you depend on him or her for such things. If your ex thinks or sees that you do, his or her curiosity and respect will plummet, making it much harder to get back together.
You just can’t say or do anything that shows you still want to be with your ex. Initially, reconciliations don’t require communication, apologies, sincerity, and even personal growth. This comes later when couples decide to get back together.
Reconciliations need couples to forgive each other, notice each other’s romantic worth, improve perceptions of each other, and see each other as equals. If they don’t respect each other, let go of the past, and see how they can benefit from each other, they can’t get back together.
They can’t reconcile until they miss the romantic aspect of the relationship, develop cravings for love, and think they can feel fulfilled with each other.
So whether you cheated on your ex, talked to an old flame, hid things, said mean things, or acted irresponsibly and selfishly throughout the relationship, know that apologizing about it now that the relationship has ended is pointless.
It will probably make your ex think it’s too late to be sorry and anger your ex. Even if your ex likes you taking responsibility for your actions, your ex won’t actually change the way he or she feels about you.
Feelings are incredibly difficult to regain.
The dumper needs a very good incentive to let go of the past and see his or her ex romantically. The dumper needs a complete reset and desire the dumpee more than his or her post-breakup life. That means that his or her life must be so bad that the dumper doesn’t see a way forward without the dumpee.
Think about that for a minute. Your ex won’t get back with you unless he or she can’t be happy without you. Sadly, your ex’s happiness doesn’t just depend on what you offer as a partner but also on your ex’s ability to be successful after the breakup.
If your ex has insecurities, self-esteem issues, financial problems, difficulties maintaining relationships, and strong desires to feel loved, your ex has a bigger chance of coming back than an ex who has his or her life all figured out and doesn’t get attached to people.
But your ex will probably have to get hurt again. This time, he or she will have to get hurt by something or someone other than you. Your ex will have to experience major problems and consider you someone who can help with those problems.
Not only will your ex have to confide in you and think you can help, but your ex will also have to crave your love. If your ex only wants your support, your ex will see you as a friend and rely on you only for as long as he or she needs emotional support.
That will get you friend-zoned and make your ex more disinterested in you. The dumper shouldn’t get services and love for free. He or she shouldn’t get them even if you hurt your ex and think you must now redeem yourself.
Your ex isn’t waiting for you to be selfless and giving. Your ex is enjoying his or her life and “waiting” for something unpredictable and painful to stop his or her happiness and trigger nostalgia.
When your ex is nostalgic, scared, and regretful, your ex will apologize to you for acting irrationally and refusing to work on the relationship with you. That’s when you’ll get your power back and have a chance to showcase changes and improvements.
You won’t change your ex’s opinion of you and the relationship before then. Your ex won’t care about your changes and accomplishments because your ex will keep thinking you’re the problem or that you’re incompatible as partners.
The only way you’ll get your ex back after hurting them is if something happens to your ex that makes your ex forget the pain from the past and causes your ex to need you again. Something like a breakup, rejection, anxiety, mental health problems, and difficulties in life.
When your ex has problems he or she needs your help with, your ex will come back on his or her own. Your ex will ask you for forgiveness rather than expect you to apologize and make it up to him or her.
I know that you want to get your ex back after hurting them, but you should keep in mind that the relationship won’t work if you want it more than your ex and do all the work. It will most likely fail before you even get back together.
That’s because your ex will see that you’re trying to get back with someone who doesn’t want you and feel repulsed by the idea of giving you another chance.
Even if you made big mistakes, you should be the one giving the dumper another chance. Your ex was the one who broke the commitment, so naturally, your ex has to come to you (not the other way around).
If you seek your ex’s attention and affection and think that you need to fix things because you hurt your ex, your ex will lose even more respect for you and make it harder for you to present yourself in a confident light and get back together.
So ignore the voices in your head and remind yourself that it’s not your job to fix the relationship.
You wanted to fix it when you got broken up with. Your ex didn’t. Your ex felt hurt and wanted to quit. Now that the relationship is over, he or she shouldn’t be promised changes and asked for another chance.
The dumper should be left alone so that you can both reflect on the breakup, improve your shortcomings, and figure out if you even want to be together.
Right now, you probably want to be with your ex more than anything. You’re willing to apologize or even beg for forgiveness and an opportunity to do better. But no matter how badly you want to be with your ex, you can’t throw away your dignity and let your ex think the relationship means the world to you.
Currently, there is no relationship. There are two exes with opposing feelings and beliefs. Until that changes, give up on saying or doing something to get your ex back. Forget about making your ex feel better and focus on making yourself feel better.
You want your ex back because you’re unhappy (not because your ex is). So recharge your zest for life and your ex will respect you. He or she may not love you, but it’s better than thinking you’re desperate.
You’ll still have to wait for something unexpected and distressing to happen to your ex.
Something that breaks your ex’s negative thought patterns and forces your ex to see your good traits. If your ex thinks positively of you, chances are that your ex will forgive you and desire you.
There’s no telling what will happen. But if you want to know how to get your ex back after hurting them, your best bet is to accept the breakup and preserve your worth. Avoid breakup mistakes and focus on things that give you purpose and value.
Your ex could find you attractive and want you back when he or she fails and reflects. Don’t try to fix the relationship before then. You’ll only look miserable and make things worse.
Remember that your ex has to be receptive and open to reconciliation. When he or she is, reconciliation will happen naturally.
With that said, here’s how to get your ex back after hurting them.
As you can see, there’s a lot of waiting involved. Most of the reconciliation process consists of respecting your ex as well as yourself. If you show respect and let go of control, your ex will have fewer reasons to dislike you and stay away from you.
He or she might even become curious about you and decide to reach out. I can’t predict the future, but I can tell you that your ex refused your help after he or she got hurt and that your ex is in charge of fixing the relationship.
If things don’t go the way your ex has planned (and your ex wants you back), you can be certain your ex will reach out and ask for another chance.
While you’re waiting, focus on healing and improving yourself so that you don’t hurt your ex or someone else the same way.
Are you still wondering how to get your ex back after hurting them? How are you planning to redeem yourself? Share your thoughts and ideas below the post.
And if you’d prefer to speak to us directly about your ex, you can do so by subscribing to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Zan—who wants to take someone back that only looks at you like a backup plan after they failed at life? Not me. Go use someone else. Go work your issues out on someone else, not with you.
If you got dumped—be strong—-and keep
walking forward not backward. Don’t ever take someone back, don’t ever depend on commingled finances, don’t let someone hit you, and never be caught without a backup plan—that way, you never stop growing and won’t be taken advantage of.
Hi Claire.
Reconciliations are backup plans—that’s all they are. Dumpers return because they aren’t happy with the life they chose. I wouldn’t call that a mistake, but selfishness, immaturity, and a lack of gratitude.
You’re right, Claire. People grow when they move forward, not backward. But dumpees are emotional and don’t think rationally. They take their ex back because they also think they’ll be happier with their ex. Only those who are over their ex reject their ex and move on to better things.
Best,
Zan
Dear Zan,
thanks for that article. Can we hold our ex „responsible“ for getting hurt that much? As in my case, I feel that the total
lack of boundaries, that she had, made it „easier“ for me, to disrespect her. I know that sounds weird, but its sort of what happened.
If after I said a hurtful thing to her, she would have become hurt, exerted a boundary and told me, (in a loving way, not demeaning!), that this must stop
to preserve the relationship, then I would have felt regret immediately. Its weird, but I somehow reacted mean and belittling, when I needed her love and some recognition, not because I wanted to hurt her. It was my way to make myself heard and seen. Although idealistic, I kind of wished, that she could have pushed me away in a gentle way, so that I could have self-reflected a bit and see my own faults and apologize.
However, what usually happened was her becoming defensive, increasing my feelings of not being heard and seen, and afterwards she usually forgave me for very hurtful things that I said. That did not „solve“ anything, as her forgiveness was not authentic, because she never empathized with me, why I got mean in the first place. I got mean, because I felt hurt or feared abandonment in some way or another… I did not show that vulnerable side very often, because as you can imagine, being so afraid of abandonment is certainly not attractive, so I‘d rather become aggressive and push her away. Sadly she never understood that…
Hi Mark.
Pain varies per person. Some people get offended and hurt easier than others. But generally speaking, if a person says or does something without care and empathy, that person should be held responsible for his or her actions.
You probably did mean things because you were hurt and wanted her to care. It wasn’t okay to hurt her intentionally, but you weren’t getting the care you deserved. Next time, you should walk away wthout inflicting pain. Don’t let your partner bring the worst out of you.
Best regards,
Zan