How To Deal With A Gaslighting Ex-girlfriend Or Ex-boyfriend?

If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is gaslighting you, your ex is saying or doing something that’s making you doubt your emotions, wisdom, memories, or sanity. Your ex is putting all the blame on you and telling you that you’re overreacting, oversensitive, or making things up.

He or she is doing that to make you doubt your perceptions and feelings and stay in charge of the situation. In other words, your ex is putting you down to make himself or herself feel better. It’s what people do when they feel wronged, pressured, unhappy, or angry. They look for others’ mistakes, shortcomings, and weaknesses and use them to their advantage.

So before we talk about how to deal with a gaslighting ex after the breakup, the very first thing we need to discuss is that most dumpers are gaslighters to some degree. They all feel victimized and tired—and will often blame their dumpees for the way they feel.

They may not express their frustrations out loud or through actions the way the biggest gaslighters out there do, but deep inside, they nonetheless play the blame game and hold their ex responsible for their inability to control their unwanted emotions as well as the lack of their positive feelings.

They are emotionally burned out, hence they act on their exhausted mentality and project their fatigue onto the person who perceives the breakup differently.

That’s why learning how to deal with a gaslighting ex-partner is crucial so that you don’t blame yourself more than necessary. You have made certain mistakes throughout the relationship—and that’s normal, but your ex doesn’t need to make things worse by saying that you should have listened to him or her and fixed things before his or her unhealthy emotions brought about the separation.

The truth is that you and your ex were both responsible for maintaining the relationship. Relationships consist of two people. But your ex was the one who ran out of patience and gave up first.

Probably because he or she felt less attached to you than you were to him/her and had different plans in mind.

Whatever the case may be, dealing with a gaslighting ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend can be challenging as your ex’s behavior can bring out the worst in you. It can make you feel that you’re losing a sense of self just to please a person who feels wronged more than you do.

The topic of this article is how to deal with a gaslighting ex. We’ll talk about what gaslighting is and how you can handle it without hurting your ex and forcing him or her to gaslight you even more.

How to deal with a gaslighting ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend?

If your ex is the dumper and he or she is gaslighting you, you obviously don’t need to put up with your ex’s abuse. You don’t have to let your ex dump his or her frustrations on you and treat you badly just because your ex resents you and feels like treating you poorly.

Letting your ex do what he or she wants isn’t going to solve your ex’s problems nor your problems. It will just show your ex that you’re going to tolerate abuse, which will, in turn, encourage your ex to keep gaslighting you and hurting you.

Talking to your ex and reasoning with your ex when he or she is incapable of rational thinking is not what you should be doing because your ex is far too unreceptive to hear your side of the story and see the bigger picture. He or she had been developing negative opinions of you for months and had convinced himself or herself that his or her reasoning is correct and that yours isn’t.

That’s why you shouldn’t attempt to prove your point to your ex. You won’t be able to prove anything because your ex isn’t in a reasonable state of mind, capable of understanding your point. Your ex is in an emotional state and will, therefore, reject your ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and reasoning even if you’re 100% right.

Your ex will only listen to his/her feelings.

For that reason, you shouldn’t lose your cool and tell your ex how wrong he or she is. You should instead let your ex think that he or she is right—and quickly and safely get some space from your ex. There’s just no point in talking to someone who isn’t open to hearing a healthy opinion.

We can all be a little stubborn sometimes; it’s in our nature. But when we’re constantly told it’s all our fault and that we deserve to be miserable, we’re better off not talking to an ex who deflects everything we say back at us. We’re better off on our own—and eventually, with someone else.

However, if your ex is the dumpee, then you should probably act a bit more concerned. Again, you shouldn’t tolerate your ex’s abuse and try to fix your ex’s problems on your own, but you should learn that your ex is gaslighting you because he or she is anxious. Your ex is desperate to be with you, so you need to understand where his or her anger comes from.

Most of the time it comes from rejection. And you need to handle your ex’s feelings of rejection sympathetically because you have a moral responsibility to do that. You don’t owe it to your ex for being your partner and for all that he or she has done.

You owe it to your ex out of compassion as a fellow human being.

This is something dumpers sometimes disagree with because they feel extremely angry, hurt, betrayed, or victimized. They think their ex’s problems are their ex’s problems and that they needn’t sacrifice their happiness to help their ex.

But that’s not entirely true. Dumpers are responsible for their ex’s health too. They indirectly cause their ex pain, so of course they need to help their ex even if their ex is handling the breakup poorly by threatening them. Dumpers need to forget about the issues they had with their ex before and even after the breakup, put their hurt feelings aside, and help their dumpee no matter how difficult it is for them to help their ex.

They shouldn’t just ignore their ex’s calls for help. Especially not if their ex has a mental illness. That could lead to suicidal thoughts or perhaps even something worse.

So if you’re a dumper, put yourself in your ex’s shoes, remember that your ex is gaslighting you because your ex is in pain, and treat your ex the way you would want to be treated if you were suffering that badly. Surely, you would want your ex to be compassionate too, right?

I read an interesting comment on this blog a while ago. The commenter was the dumper and he said something like, “Why do I need to help someone who was toxic to me for years and never apologized and cared about my feelings? I’m done with this relationship and I’m not going to make it easy for my ex now that we’re over. She deserves to suffer.”

This person was clearly very upset with his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife (I’m not sure what their status was). He was so angry and frustrated with the dumpee that he wasn’t capable of considering her emotional struggles and doing the right thing.

His ex may have been mean to him numerous times in the past, but that doesn’t really matter because as a dumper, he was in a position of power whereas his ex lacked power and was having emotional difficulties. Her words and actions indicated that she was in mental anguish and that she could use all the help she could get.

I’m not sure if this person helped his dumpee, but I hope that at the very least, he didn’t make her feel worse. There’s no need to make an ex-partner suffer after the breakup. The relationship ended, and so should any remaining bad blood between the ex-couple.

Why is my ex gaslighting me?

Your ex is gaslighting you to justify his actions or behavior and to make his or her image look better.

For example, if your ex cheated on you, he or she is gaslighting you to make the cheating seem less serious and your behavior the main cause of his or her actions.

Most gaslighters hate taking responsibility for their actions. They prefer to blame others for their mistakes and feelings because doing so empowers them and cleanses them of their sins. Gaslighting is their self-defense mechanism that diminishes the feeling of guilt and regret—and helps them distract themselves from doubting themselves and reevaluating their behavior.

Gaslighters just don’t like taking the blame even if they’re the ones at fault. They actually tend to get angry when they’re caught redhanded, so they defend themselves by pointing the finger at others and abusing their weaknesses.

If your ex is gaslighting you, you need to know that your ex can’t or doesn’t want to see things from a different perspective. He or she is being influenced by emotions and will, therefore, continue to act on emotions for as long as he or she feels disrespected.

How do I stop my ex from gaslighting me?

If you’re being gaslighted by your ex, your main aim should always be to neutralize the gaslighting—not ignore it and make it worse. You should treat it as a mental illness and be the bigger person.

I know it’s not easy to keep your emotions under control when someone is intentionally playing with your feelings, but if you don’t stay calm and composed, chances are that you’ll give your manipulative ex exactly what he or she needs to keep gaslighting you.

You’ll give your ex a reason to feel hurt and victimized, which will then make him or her treat you unfairly.

So be the bigger person and let your ex win. Sympathize with your ex and help him or her feel understood and respected. When your ex feels that you’re concerned about his/her well-being and that you’re not trying to cause pain, your ex will probably stop telling you things you don’t want to hear.

Your ex will still feel hurt, but your ex won’t act out of anger or desperation anymore. That’s when you can respectfully tell your ex that you both need some space from each other to heal and get your lives under control.

With that said, here are a few tips on how to deal with a gaslighting ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.

There’s no perfect thing to say to an ex who’s gaslighting you because your words alone could infuriate your ex. But you can’t just do nothing. You have to do something to put an end to gaslighting. You have to improvise a bit and speak to your ex in a way that doesn’t reject, hurt, and anger your ex or leave room for misinterpretation.

The best way to do that is to talk to your ex without giving false hope, promising things, demanding things, getting upset, and explaining why things are the way they are. Your ex already knows the full story (or at least thinks he/she does).

That’s why you should find a way to peacefully leave your ex’s life and not give your ex any more reasons to stay in touch with you.

This may sound like an easy task to do, but not offending a gaslighting ex is extremely challenging. You’re in pain yourself, so any knee-jerk reaction could end up making things worse.

So just how you mustn’t make things worse by not hurting your ex, you must also stick to your boundaries and not tolerate your ex’s gaslighting behavior. You have to be a decent human being and at the same time, treat yourself with dignity and respect.

Some people think you need to be one or the other – nice or mean, but it doesn’t have to be that black and white. You don’t need to be a pushover and let your ex walk over you. And conversely, you also don’t need to be a resentful person and react with anger to your ex’s improper behavior.

If you think your ex isn’t a good person, simply be better than your ex; it’s that simple.

Isn’t that the whole point of calling your ex a gaslighter?

I think the best way to deal with a gaslighting ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is to avoid acting on impulse. Most people won’t gaslight you for long after the breakup if you handle your emotions and respond politely. If they do, they have deep-rooted issues and should probably see a professional.

And if they need professional help, perhaps that’s something you should be even more understanding of. Instead of getting upset with your ex for displaying unsightly traits, you should feel sorry for your ex and find him or her help (if your ex is open to that idea).

When you start to understand that people treat you poorly because of their own issues, I guarantee that your whole understanding of the world will change. You’ll start to see that angry and mean people have unresolved issues and that you should be thankful you don’t have them or that you’ve resolved them already.

What if my ex doesn’t stop bothering me even though I’m nice and patient?

Look, your ex will eventually stop bothering you. It might take time, but if you stay out of his/her way long enough, your ex will get bored and find something else to do and someone else to bother. That’s when your responsibility as an ex-partner will come to an end.

But until that happens, you have to be on your best behavior. I know that waiting for someone to stop bothering you can seem to go on forever, but you have to care for the person you committed to. Technically, you committed to your ex only for the duration of the relationship. But your kindness should nonetheless last until he or she is capable of moving on.

That’s what being a good person is all about.

Are you wondering how to deal with a gaslighting ex who won’t leave you alone? How would you treat an ex who gaslights you? Post whether your gaslighting ex is a dumpee or a dumper below.

Moreover, if you’d like to talk about this on the phone or via email, see how you can do that here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.